to hate that MIL brings all her coffee stuff when she visits?

[classicnegroni]

It drives me mad. DH and I are both quite into coffee so it’s not like we just have a jar of five year old instant coffee brought out for guests. We have a coffee grinder, espresso machine, French press and V60 dripper, as well as coffee beans from our local roasters and a bag of pre-ground. If I were a MNetter’s DH I’d probably be called a coffee wanker!! She is welcome to use any of it. But she always brings a load of stuff with her and clutters up the counter with it (I hate having clutter out on the counter, but there’s not room in the cupboard for this extra stuff and she’d just move it back to the counter anyway).

I’d understand bringing a bag of decaf, though we’d happily buy it for her, but most of what she brings is equipment we have anyway and caffeinated coffee, which we have plenty of also. It’s brought with an air of what we have isn’t good enough which is pissing me off too. I wouldn’t dream of doing this at my friends’ houses, even the one whose ancient jar of instant coffee was so solidified it would have taken a chisel to remove the coffee! I just drink the coffee they have or don’t drink coffee. So AIBU not to want to have my counters cluttered with someone else’s coffee crap or am I being too grumpy?

Does MIL have OCD? She might have a genuine anxiety around something to do with your coffee (not saying there's anything wrong with your coffee and tools!) and so making her bring half her kitchen with her! It does seem a bit OTT if not. If she really didn't want to drink your coffee if that's the reason why doesn't she just forgo coffee at your house?! Sorry if I have missed this, but have you had a little chat with her and asked her outright about it? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her.

My mum drinks mellow birds! An insult to even call it coffee, it tastes like sugar puffs!

Go to hers, and bring your own frying pan and the ingredients to make your own breakfast. What a silly bitch.

Well, first and only time my in laws rocked up, they were a day late. I was considering calling the police to see if they'd had an accident. They decided to stop off at a National Park and could be bothered to call.

They arrived with a coolbox containing butter, cold cuts, cheese, cream and yes, their own coffee.

They never ate anything I cooked unless their son was in the house.

They wondered why they had no relationship with their grandson.

This.

Im guessing her morning coffee is a big part of her daily routine and bringing the paraphernalia with her is a bit of home comfort. I admit when we have visitors I am slightly irritated at the clutter but it’s a small price to pay for guests to feel at home when they visit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Someone mentioned ‘colonising’ up thread. What a depressingly inhospitable sentiment. 😔

We had guests once, who brought the contents of M&S food hall with them. I smiled sweetly, stacked it in the fridge and fed them what I had been planning.

Not something I could get worked up over and would just leave a tray out for her bits and pieces.
I also had a relative who used to bring their own bedding and towels.They used to come down to stay for 2 weeks to house sit and feed my cats whilst we were away with a few days overlap to spend time together and as I live on the coast they had a free holiday in my house whilst I was away on mine.
i always thought it was strange they bought bedding but left them to get on with it but later learnt that she has leakage problems which of course she wanted to be private about and so by using her own bedding she could maintain her privacy without having to worry about my bedding or towels.
They are died a couple of years back but them and their visits.

I am with you OP on this. I think it is very rude of any guest to bring their own stuff with them for a visit. They are only there for a few hours and they should be okay with whatever their host offers them. It is bad manners to do otherwise

a Chemex (with standard paper filters so not even a Chemex),

The utter horror of someone doing this! Can you imagine!

Unless you feel she is deliberately trying to put you down she may feel she is helping in some way. Many older people will bring cake or something around to their friends - she may prefer instant coffee to perculated - and may very well be worried at using any of your equipment feeling it would be less work for you. Try accepting this little quirk if the counter is only cluttered for a short visit. If the visit is longer - allocate her a little space to put her 'bits and pieces'. The worst thing you can do is make it a war with your husband in the middle.

Some of the replies from pp are nuts. She is visiting her son, drinks and eats everything else that is provided but, for whatever reason, prefers her own coffee

Sure, she doesn't have to go to the trouble because op is able to brew a good coffee, lots of us wouldn't bother, we'd just drink the inferior coffee for ease, but it is hardly rude or offensive to do so.

If you're sensitive enough to be upset or offended by your mum implying that she prefers her own coffee to yours, I don't know how you get through life.

She dumps it all on the counter for the duration of her visit? Oh no. But surely preferable to her putting it in a cupboard or rearranging things. It's your mum. What would she do if you turned up at her house with something to eat or drink? Find a place for it? Happily leave it on the counter? Or get offended and start an mn thread?

Probably thought they were being helpful and didn't want to turn up empty handed.

Well done on 'smiling sweetly' and enduring the horrendous insult.

I just wonder if she uses paper filters for particular reasons? The do make it very easy to dispose of the grounds (straight to the compost bin for us), and I have heard that there may be health benefits. Perhaps it would be worth asking her.

Have you spoken to her and asked why? That be the first thing I did. And depending on her answer I would see how to proceed.
But YANBU

Agree in my Culture you never go empty handed usually home made dish or dessert or at times shop bought.

Just ignore it.

I think I know how you feel. I'm no with my parents (for very serious reasons) and have been for about five years.

Before that when they visited they would do things like this. My mother would bring the contents of her fridge with her and put things like half a pack of flora (we don't eat it) and some old raspberries in our fridge.

They'd read the newspaper and have it spread out all across the sofa and leave it there. When I put it away I'd get told off. Our house isn't big enough for people to leave spread out newspapers everywhere, no one could sit down.

She'd also go through the contents of my fridge and take out anything that was approaching its end date and spread it across the counter which I guess was a passive aggressive 'reminder' that, say, the mushrooms needed using up.

Whoever said 'coloniser' is bang on in my case.

I suppose I'm wondering what the rest of your relationship with your MIL is like. If she's generally critical of you then the coffee thing would feel like a dig.

My parents have absolutely no boundaries or ability to see me as anything other than an object to be ordered around and criticised and so their behaviour in my home was really hard for me to tolerate.

If there's there is other stuff than the coffee I can see how the coffee would feel like a dig. People who haven't suffered these kind of dysfunctional relationships won't be able to see it as anything other than coffee though (lucky them).

It might bother me slightly depending on the undertones (which only you know) but I'd probably put it out of my mind. Cluttering up surfaces for a little bit isn't the worst inconvenience of having a houseguest and actually in a way it's flattering when someone is comfortable enough to truly make themselves at home at your house. I might ask her about it in a polite way if you wanted - 'can we get any particular type of coffee in for you so you don't have to lug your equipment down?'.

even the one whose ancient jar of instant coffee was so solidified it would have taken a chisel to remove the coffee!

As an aside, I felt very seen by this part of the post😳Not to hijack but what would coffee experts suggest keeping in for guests as a non-coffee drinker. Needs to not be complicated (I'm not keen to buy any type of equipment) and keep well! But fancy instant coffee is fine... unless that is just beyond the pale?

I admit it would piss me off a little, my ex-MIL used to arrive with what I called a Red Cross Parcel, containing the foods she thought her son and our daughter 'should' be eating rather than the "foreign muck" I cooked. (I'm Italian)

I refused to inflict her tinned garbage on my child - tinned Irish Stew with an inch of lard at the top of the tin, that even the cat wouldn't eat, stodgy suet puddings and canned meatballs. She was actually really angry when I cooked with wine and herbs and even exploded at the dinner table saying "it were a nice piece of meat before it were messed about wiy". (She was a northerner)

Her idea of cooking was opening a tin of potatoes, tinned veg and that awful sliced meat in gravy that came in oval tins.

She died of a stroke.

Embrace the chance to try something different. Put all your stuff away when she calls and use hers. If she knows it’s irritating you she may do it intentionally so try reverse psychology and ask her about coffee and coffee machines and view it differently and she may or may not stop coming but it’s worth a try. It’s not worth getting upset about or even go out and let her have time with her son. You have to find a way to stop feeling so stressed out about it.

Haha my thoughts entirely. What an odd thing to get annoyed about. I’d love it if my guests filled my fridge with lovely M&S food.

And ‘smile sweetly’ is such a cringey MN phrase.

That would annoy me too. My MIL used to bring a refilled plastic bottle of water with her when she came round for a meal. Really annoying when the Christmas table was dressed at its best and there’s a creased, sad looking plastic bottle displaying the remnants of an Evian label taking its place at the table - why!?. Lol!

It’s amusing how this thread is full of people complaining that they are such good hosts and their MIL keeps ruining it (beautiful table settings spoiled by a bottle of water, the audacity of guests bringing food, or needing their own bedding to be comfortable).

Being a good host is allowing your guest whatever they need to feel comfortable.

Being a terrible host is being so caught up in your desired aesthetic, or the perceived superiority of your choices (whether that is food, coffee machines, bedding or whatever) that you make your guests uncomfortable and unwelcome.

I do generally take my own pillows with me. Not many people have feather ones anymore and comfortable sleep is very important!

Being a terrible host is being so caught up in your desired aesthetic, or the perceived superiority of your choices (whether that is food, coffee machines, bedding or whatever) that you make your guests uncomfortable and unwelcome.

I didn't mind too much my IL bringing their own bedding, biscuits (we don't buy that sort) coffee (again don't have the same brand)
I did mind them turning up late (without letting me know) to a meal they've been invited to - they have no allergies and hadn't made any preferences in advance- and bringing service station pre-packed sandwiches and eating them at the table, and ignoring the food I'd taken time to prepare.
To me, it felt like they were saying my food wasn't good enough but maybe it was me being unwelcoming?