to hate that MIL brings all her coffee stuff when she visits?

[classicnegroni]

It drives me mad. DH and I are both quite into coffee so it’s not like we just have a jar of five year old instant coffee brought out for guests. We have a coffee grinder, espresso machine, French press and V60 dripper, as well as coffee beans from our local roasters and a bag of pre-ground. If I were a MNetter’s DH I’d probably be called a coffee wanker!! She is welcome to use any of it. But she always brings a load of stuff with her and clutters up the counter with it (I hate having clutter out on the counter, but there’s not room in the cupboard for this extra stuff and she’d just move it back to the counter anyway).

I’d understand bringing a bag of decaf, though we’d happily buy it for her, but most of what she brings is equipment we have anyway and caffeinated coffee, which we have plenty of also. It’s brought with an air of what we have isn’t good enough which is pissing me off too. I wouldn’t dream of doing this at my friends’ houses, even the one whose ancient jar of instant coffee was so solidified it would have taken a chisel to remove the coffee! I just drink the coffee they have or don’t drink coffee. So AIBU not to want to have my counters cluttered with someone else’s coffee crap or am I being too grumpy?

My Mil when babysitting our 2 little ones for a few hours.
Came with a Tupperware box with a sandwich, another with cake and packet of crisps.
Plus a flask, milk. sugar and plate, cup, saucer and spoon.
Did our ironing while the children were in bed.(I never asked her to)
In the 44 years until her death she never used our toilet.
Thank goodness I just laughed no point in getting offended or angry.
Apart from all this she was the best Mil and grandmother.

she’s rude and demanding in general, especially to DH

Why can’t he tell his mother when she’s rude and demanding? I don’t know how old she is but potentially there’s going to be a lot of years of this. My dad is rude sometimes and I call him out on it, he doesn’t always realise how he can come across. When it does happen I either make light of it jokingly getting the point across or just reverse it and relay the conversation back asking how he’d feel if I’d spoken to him in that way. Sometimes it leads to a conversation other times a straightforward apology, we still love and respect each other.

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It wouldn't let it bother me. Put it on a tray if she is messy. If this is the worst she is doing then she's a dream... and it's only a few times a year.

Sounds like you married the son of an even bigger Coffee Wanker than you are.

They do say that men sometimes marry their mothers...

Out of interest, what does she bring instead? A Bialetti and tin of Illy?

Are the machines she brings different to what you have? It sounds completely over the top!

How long does she stay for OP?
I can hear that you are serious about coffee- and maybe her too.
You understand the relationship- I don't.
Perhaps she genuinely prefers her own coffee, or perhaps she is picking this as a battle ground because she knows this is a tender spot. Maybe she enjoys seeing you squirm
We can't change the behaviour of others, but we can have power over our reaction.
If this is a way she tries to rankle you then you best defence is to do nothing. No comment, no passive agressive manoeuves, no challenge. Simpy chill.
She doesn't live with you, the time will pass.
Let it wash over you.
Simpy ignore.

That’s nothing. Wait until they bring one of these bloody contraptions with them and clutter up your kitchen……

Forgot to mention that we are in deepest darkest Wales with the softest water in the country and that the machine talks all the time that it’s working hard performing it’s woo tendencies on the water

So, she really likes coffee too, and is used to her stuff?

I dunno that this would bother me.. I drink instant with skimmed milk and sweetener (does the mumsnet walk of shame 😂) and ds is a total bean to cup coffee snob.. he brings all sorts of contraptions when he comes to stay! So I’m guessing your issue is more about the relationship - and your level of clutter tolerance - than the coffee itself.

Tell her your house is being renovated/invasion of locusts and the next time you see her. you'll have to meet in your local Costa Coffee.

Let's see if she brings all her coffee paraphernalia with her!

Personally, I would roll my eyes as she unpacks and make a point of when I visited hers to bring my own 9 pack of bog roll to plonk down in her khazi for the duration of the visit.

Maybe you’re all coffee wankers?

Well I have decaff so tend to take it with me on visits - I don't expect other people to have it in for me so pop a jar of instant in my bag. But then I have friends who bring herbal tea so none of us bats an eyelid. If I was staying over then I might want to take ground coffee but would check if they had something for me to make it in and if not I'd take my small cafetiere.

She has found your weak point OP.
Do you find it uncomfortabe to have your coffee expertise judged?

YABU. It’s not as though she’s asking to leave it at yours 🤷‍♀️ You’ve got your tastes and she’s got hers, leave the poor woman alone. If this is all you’ve got to worry about then you’re lucky!

She just like things the way she likes it, it's not to insult you or anything like that. My MIL always used to bring stuff to our house which infuriated me then, and now I find myself doing the same. The clutter will go with her, take a deep breath and enjoy not having to share your lovely coffee.

Hmmm. I am very fussy about coffee and would probably do this (recently took my own coffee stuff on a weekend away in a b&b...). It isn't because I think the coffee where I am staying is crap or can't be bothered to understand the equipment - it's because I am very attached to my usual coffee and my coffee routine in the morning and I don't want to mess with it when it is simple enough to bring my own stuff. Hard to explain without sounding like a coffee wanker! It's probably the only thing I am like this about.

Just let her get on with it and have a laugh about it instead of letting it piss you off as maybe she has ocd about her coffee. Weird as it is and rude just try to ignore it if that is the worst she is doing. Do you get on otherwise beside her coffee ocd.

Coffee is expensive so I wouldn't mind if my MIL brought her own. As long as it wasn't done with a suggestion of "because you're a bad host and tight with coffee". It sounds your MIL just enjoys her coffee her way.

Why on earth don't you just say

"MIL, why do you always bring your coffee/coffee equipment when you come to our house? Is it because you don't like our coffee, because you don't want to use up our coffee or is it another reason?"

The respond accordingly dep[ending on what she says!

Why is it so hard to just have a sensible conversation?

Dh is a coffee wanker and now he’s turned me into one too. We take our stove-top coffee pot with us on weekends away - unless we are going to friends who have one - and usually some coffee just in case. We just can’t help ourselves as most people (and cafes) make crap coffee and only give you a small cup. If we are going to an Airbnb we take mugs too but restrain ourselves if visiting friends and family,

Coffee machines don’t make nice coffee btw but I’d be okay with an aero press and whatever brand you have, OP. But honestly indulge your MIL - coffee makes her happy.

The fact that you’re in such a state over a ‘cluttered countertop’ suggests that maybe you’re the one who’s quite ‘hard work’ here?

I have a pretty lax approach to cleaning so I’m sure if either of my DIL’s were verging on OCD tendencies, I can see they would dread my visits. Luckily, I only ever stay in a nearby hotel as neither adult D.C. has a spare bedroom.

What happens when you visit her place?

Oh dear. I always take my own coffee when I visit my daughter in law.
To be fair, I have a plunger mug which I use. I take the coffee in a little Tupperware box.
Only because she has instant stuff which I can't abide.

Whether the OP is a coffee wanker or not, the post appears to be about strange territorial behaviour, not coffee itself.
The OP has said it bothers her that the MIL brings her own things and lays them out all along he counter. She’s also said that the MIL is rude generally.