Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

227 replies

Donnaslayer · 10/06/2022 12:55

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/06/2022 12:59

Fortunately DS didn't notice

No need to do anything if your DS doesn’t actually care.

I mean, your MIL sounds bonkers and controlling, but don’t poke the crazy. Your DS already has 3 favourite teddies. It’s pretty unlikely Sonic gets to the same status, and if it does that’s the time to worry about it.

Howshouldibehave · 10/06/2022 13:00

My mum had some clothes, a teddy and toy box of toys at hers when my kids were little and they didn’t come to our house-didn’t bother me at all

pjani · 10/06/2022 13:00

He doesn’t care about the teddy. Worry about it when it’s a problem. She sounds OTT but I think you’re getting ahead of yourself, so YABU.

deirdreshere · 10/06/2022 13:02

Have you ever asked her why she changes his clothes? This is so bizarre to me.

3amAndImStillAwake · 10/06/2022 13:03

I wouldn't care at all about the clothes.

But I do think it's a bit mean to refuse to let them take a teddy if they notice. But your child hasn't noticed yet so hopefully it won't be an issue.

whowhatwerewhy · 10/06/2022 13:03

She sounds a bit bonkers , but not unusual to have toys that stay at grans

SummerInSun · 10/06/2022 13:06

Although I agree your MIL is basically a lunatic, actually there is a lot to be said for knowing that there are things you like playing with somewhere else you go. I remember one set of grandparents had an old board game which we loved as kids, the other set had a cool building toys. One of the fun things about going to stay with them was knowing that we'd get to play with those toys, and they were more fun and more special because they weren't the same old things we had kicking around at home. BUT - it was clear they weren't our toys that we owned that we couldn't take away, they were toys that belonged to those houses that we and all our cousins played with there.

So in short, I think it's fine for there to be "sonic that lives at Grannie's house which you can play with when you visit". What's not ok is to give a gift, say it belongs to the child but then tell the child they get no say in where they take it or what they do with it. That's not a gift

JennyForeigner · 10/06/2022 13:06

Inho clothes thing is weird and wasteful, teddy thing has some advantages. My mum keeps a couple of special toys at her house which our toddler gets excited about and makes looking after him there a breeze. He learns that not all toys come home, so it helps in shops and not to become completely fixated on one thing that might get lost (this totally mugged us a couple of times but luckily the toys turned up)

Your MIL sounds odd but even an odd clock is right x2 a day...

AdmiralsPie · 10/06/2022 13:07

So she sounds bonkers.

It's important he takes his own favourite home toy as a transition toy to MIL's and that it comes back every time. It's also important that he has access to it at MiL's - my concern would be that it might be taken away from him while he is there, especially as the most loved toys can get a bit... dingy.

Leaving Sonic at Granny's is absolutely fine, no different to leaving Nursery toys at nursery. The important thing is his access to those transition things, which will always be the ones you gave him.

viques · 10/06/2022 13:07

Just tell your son if he asks that Sonic lives with granny because she gets lonely when he is not with her. She is trying to make a fuss about it, so just be matter of fact and defuse the drama she is trying to cause. The clothes thing is crazy and a waste of her money, but at least you are getting your clothes back and they are still clean. She is either a bit loopy or is trying to wind you up, in either case the best response is smile and nod and don’t get drawn into her little world.

mistermagpie · 10/06/2022 13:08

Your MIL sounds batshit, but he's not bothered about the teddy so I wouldn't bother about it yourself.

My MIL used to do the getting them changed thing too if she ever had my kids over. I've always dressed them for comfort, I hate seeing little kids in uncomfortable clothes when they are trying to crawl and run about etc. But when I went to pick them up she would claim some spill or other (and clearly ignore the spare clothes I sent) and the boys would be wearing little shirts and waistcoats and stuff, things that are bonkers on a toddler. Now they are older she doesn't do it, but my daughter is two and invariably will be in some ridiculous frilly dress after a visit to grandma, when I sent her in leggings and a t-shirt.

It's weird but harmless and pretty much as soon as the boys could talk and say 'no I didn't spill my soup on my t-shirt!' she packed it in with them. I expect the same will happen with my daughter.

Just ignore it if you can, keeping the peace is more valuable than winning an argument if she is providing free childcare.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2022 13:09

She's pretending that he is her child, isn't she?

Beees · 10/06/2022 13:09

She sounds absolutely bonkers.

I appreciate its perfectly normal to have toys at a house where your child spends time regularly but to refuse to allow them to go back to the child's house is pretty cruel.

OK he didn't notice this time but he's clearly going to notice at some point and then it's you and his dad left dealing with an upset child for no other reason than grandma having pointless arbitrary rules.

Reallyreallyborednow · 10/06/2022 13:09

Have you ever asked her why she changes his clothes? This is so bizarre to me

because she’s worried about spills or marks on o/p’s “nice” outfits? If they do get dirty damaging them in the wash or losing them? This way if they’re “her” clothes no need to worry what happens to them. Worried herself about having bought stuff that will gradually end up at o/p’s and she’ll have to buy a whole load of new?

people often are quite precious about their kids clothes/belongings, and tbf it does sound like o/p might be one.

as for the sonic thing, if your kid really wants one at home, buy another. Stuff does get lost/damaged/mislaid at other places whether that’s paid childcare or grandparent.

collieresponder88 · 10/06/2022 13:10

I do think it's fair that the the teddy stays there. You do have to teach diddlers they can't have what they want all the time. To buy him the same one is spoiling hiM in my opinion. Teach him that teddy is for grandmas only. As for all the other stuff let her crack on ! As long as he's loved

GlitteryGreen · 10/06/2022 13:11

I think the clothes thing is weird and not sure why she'd do that?

But I think the teddy thing is fine, don't most children have things that live at their GPs that they only play with when they're there?

Moosake · 10/06/2022 13:12

The clothes thing I find odd. The toy not so much.

Carrotmum · 10/06/2022 13:12

I’m a grandma I buy toys for my grandchildren to play with at my house, it saves the need to always transport everything back and forth surely? My oldest grandchild likes having different toys/ bears at our house to play with and looks forward to coming regularly over( especially toys with small pieces as they can’t always have them out to play with at home cause their younger sibling would try to put them in their mouth or up their nose. I also keep clothes here as we have a garden and they don’t at the moment and pjs as they often stay over. I think it’s great cause if they are out shopping or something they can phone and if we are home they can just pop in, cause they know we have stuff here already..

Aria2015 · 10/06/2022 13:15

If he's not bothered just leave it. If it happens again and he gets upset, just direct him to mil and say 'sorry ds, grandma won't let you take it home' and leave her to console him...

10HailMarys · 10/06/2022 13:16

I think lots of kids have some toys that stay at their grandparents' house for them to play with when they're there, so no issue with that in principle, but I also think it's really rigid and inflexible not to let him take one thing home now and again if he wants to.

My mum had stuff at her house that my brother's kids played with there, but if they'd said 'Nanny, can I borrow this book so that Daddy can read it to me at bedtime?' or 'Can this teddy come for a sleepover with my teddies at home?' she wouldn't have said 'No, absolutely not' and hidden them!

The clothes things is really bloody weird. Again - normal to have a couple of bits on standby, like a pair of joggers and a t-shirt in case of accidents or spillages, and maybe a hoodie or something in case it turns chilly, but changing a child into a full set of different clothes and shoes for no practical reason, only to change them back again when they go home, is absolutely bonkers. Just bizarre.

VainAbigail · 10/06/2022 13:17

HollowTalk · 10/06/2022 13:09

She's pretending that he is her child, isn't she?

This ⬆️

Carrotmum · 10/06/2022 13:19

Also surely kids play with toys at lots of places but don’t get to take them home, nurseries or childminders have lots of lovely toys and so do friends houses but children manage to understand not everything goes home with them just cause they like it. It’s only a thing if you make it a thing, leave Sonic at grandmas and and your son will have the fun of playing with it the next time he’s over.

Beees · 10/06/2022 13:22

Carrotmum · 10/06/2022 13:19

Also surely kids play with toys at lots of places but don’t get to take them home, nurseries or childminders have lots of lovely toys and so do friends houses but children manage to understand not everything goes home with them just cause they like it. It’s only a thing if you make it a thing, leave Sonic at grandmas and and your son will have the fun of playing with it the next time he’s over.

The difference surely is that grandma has presented this toy as being brought for the OPs son. It's his toy so why can't take it wherever he likes. My DS is the same age as the OPs child. He understands that the toys at nursery or elsewhere like a childminder are not his toys brought especially for him so obviously he understands they are not his to take home.

A toy at granny's house is his toy so if he wants to play with it at his house granny wouldn't prevent him taking it home as its his toy.

WorriedWagon · 10/06/2022 13:23

Let's be honest, she's pretending she's his mummy and he's her DS and that you don't exist. She wants to dress him up in clothes that she's bought and watch him play with toys from her and not share those things. It's actually pretty sad because being a grandparent can be so much fun and joy but she's too hell-bent on re-living being mum.

If it were causing harm or distress or upset to DS then you should come down hard on it. Her whack-a-doodle isn't your obligation to facilitate. However, DS doesn't care, he's not upset, he's not distressed - so whatever. Let her have her wishes and she'll probably grow out of it and start grandparenting when she realises that it's more fun. She's probably a little bit anxious about being a grandparent because she hasn't done it before so her response is to just be a parent again, because she's done that before and it turned out fine. If you offer some praise on her grandparenting specifically by saying things like "aww, DS, sometimes Granny cuddles are the best, aren't they?" when he's cuddling her or "ooh, he does love granny's special biscuits" etc then she'll probably move onto that roll more quickly. She just seems insecure, age doesn't necessarily mean confidence.

hoomaeyya · 10/06/2022 13:25

Is he her first grandchild?

Her behaviour is loopy.
Fair enough if she wants to buy a couple of spare outfits at hers incase he gets dirty etc, but to actively change him in and out of it once he gets there?! Really bizarre.

As for the teddy, if he had been bothered then it would be really bad of her to say that the teddy had to stay at hers.

My MIL has loads of toys at hers for when my kids go over but if they wanted to bring one home then they would.

In my experience, first time grandparents can (sometimes) go a bit nuts and try and take over and act as if they are the parents and it's really quite odd. They seem to settle down after another kid though!

Or perhaps she just is loopy!

Swipe left for the next trending thread