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Original poster

MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

227 replies

Donnaslayer · 10/06/2022 12:55

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WalkWithDignityAndPride · 10/06/2022 14:46

If things are to be for one house only, then DS is to be at yours, not that conniving cow's. See how important her own clothes and toys become then.

budgiegirl · 10/06/2022 14:49

*Why shouldn’t she get him some toys to keep at her house, as she sees him regularly? She probably worries he’ll take Sonic home and lose it or it will get forgotten about with all his other toys at home. It makes it more special to keep it for when he visits.

He’ll learn some toys stay at Grandma’s house*

This. Totally normal, and something I think that lots of grandparents do. Even with toys that are bought with a particular child in mind. My kids have very happy memories of toys that were only ever played with at grandparents houses. It makes them more special, rather than just one more toy in the toy box at home.

The clothes are a bit more unusual. I don't think it's particularly unusual for grandparents who see their grandchildren on a regular basis to have a few clothes at their house for them, my in-laws always had one or two t-shirts etc in case of accidents, and all my children had their own toothbrushes and pjs at my in-laws, as they stayed over fairly often. But it does seem unusual to change them into different clothes when they arrive. However, I couldn't get too worked up about his, no doubt DS will start to protest about this as he gets older.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 14:52

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 10/06/2022 14:46

If things are to be for one house only, then DS is to be at yours, not that conniving cow's. See how important her own clothes and toys become then.

That's pretty harsh words. Some people really do hate their (free childcare giving) MILs on here. I hope my son doesn't end up marrying someone like that.

Maytodecember · 10/06/2022 14:52

I’m a granny, have a couple of boxes of teddies, toys, books, games here but if dgc want to take anything home, they do —- I bought the stuff for them, so it’s theirs.
The re-dressing your child unnecessarily is strange —- either mil trying to convince herself she’s a mother again or an element of control. Perhaps she takes your DS to meet her friends and points out the clothes she’s bought?
I just think a person trying to take over another’s role is odd.

Notmytiep · 10/06/2022 14:55

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 14:52

That's pretty harsh words. Some people really do hate their (free childcare giving) MILs on here. I hope my son doesn't end up marrying someone like that.

Show quote history

Yes because some MILs are actually not alright in the head. The amount of stories about horrible MILs I see on here are just mind boggling to me.

Who in their right mind would hate a MIL who is nice and sweet and respect boundaries?

budgiegirl · 10/06/2022 14:57

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 10/06/2022 14:46

If things are to be for one house only, then DS is to be at yours, not that conniving cow's. See how important her own clothes and toys become then.

Wow, that's pretty full on. What a conniving cow, buying toys and clothes for her grandchild, and looking after them every Friday. How dare she?!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 14:59

It's worth remembering that MILs have done a good enough job of raising the man you've married so leave them to it!

2bazookas · 10/06/2022 15:01

I think what some posters are missing is that this toy has been brought specifically because the OPs child currently likes sonic.

I think what some people arme missing, is that Grandparents often provide toys and activities at their house specially tailored to the visiting GC's likes. Because it makes the child happy.

Right now; in our house; we have
A box of meccano
books by a particular author
A lot of origami supplies
A n "owl" model set
A knitting circle

These are not generic choices; they were all chosen specially for one or other child's personal interests and pleasure. They are in ADDITION to many other generic books, craft activities and games.

Adamantspants · 10/06/2022 15:01

My mother had a box of toys that stayed at her house, my kids understood that and always associated those toys with going to her house. They looked forward to going there for this box of particular toys, had they been allowed bring them home, they only get lost, broken or forgotten about. My kids have great memories of the toy box at nanna's house and can name everything that was in it but could not name half the stuff they used to have at home.

The dressing of the clothesa is batshit though, I don't get that at all.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 15:06

2bazookas · 10/06/2022 15:01

I think what some posters are missing is that this toy has been brought specifically because the OPs child currently likes sonic.

I think what some people arme missing, is that Grandparents often provide toys and activities at their house specially tailored to the visiting GC's likes. Because it makes the child happy.

Right now; in our house; we have
A box of meccano
books by a particular author
A lot of origami supplies
A n "owl" model set
A knitting circle

These are not generic choices; they were all chosen specially for one or other child's personal interests and pleasure. They are in ADDITION to many other generic books, craft activities and games.

Yes, exactly. You're not going to buy toys your grandkids DON'T like, are you?

Mammajay · 10/06/2022 15:08

I would add that a present bought for the child's birthday or Christmas would go home with her/him. My children had no grandparents and I envied the support my friends got from theirs.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 15:08

Notmytiep · 10/06/2022 14:55

Yes because some MILs are actually not alright in the head. The amount of stories about horrible MILs I see on here are just mind boggling to me.

Who in their right mind would hate a MIL who is nice and sweet and respect boundaries?

Show quote history

Of course some MILs might genuinely be awful people but at the same time we're only getting one persons side of the story on these threads as well

Beees · 10/06/2022 15:12

These are not generic choices; they were all chosen specially for one or other child's personal interests and pleasure. They are in ADDITION to many other generic books, craft activities and games.

That's true I guess in my mind craft kits etc are very different to a soft toy especially for a child who clearly gets attached to soft toys. If your grandchild was brought a toy, played with it all day and wanted to take it home would you let them?

ancientgran · 10/06/2022 15:14

I bought a change of clothes for GC when they were little, only one though. I did it after tuts and comments if they got a mark on their clothes and a very angry phone call when I washed something and DIL was furious as she is very particular about how she washes things apparently. From then on they were changed when they arrived and could get dirty if they wanted to and no one to tell us off as they were back in their own clothes for pick up.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 15:20

ancientgran · 10/06/2022 15:14

I bought a change of clothes for GC when they were little, only one though. I did it after tuts and comments if they got a mark on their clothes and a very angry phone call when I washed something and DIL was furious as she is very particular about how she washes things apparently. From then on they were changed when they arrived and could get dirty if they wanted to and no one to tell us off as they were back in their own clothes for pick up.

That's such a shame, I was so grateful to my mother how she helped us out with childcare when mine were young, I wouldn't have dreamt of complaining about things like that. My kids hare older teen/young adult now and they have such a great relationship with her

CousinKrispy · 10/06/2022 15:20

Sounds like your MIL is being ridiculous, but just keep telling your son that Sonic is a toy who lives at granny's house. Hopefully he'll be more attached to his other teddies, or else MIL will eventually get the picture and let him take it home. But don't make it into a big deal if it's not bothering your son.

SafferUpNorth · 10/06/2022 15:20

All the posters saying 'Totally normal to have a box of toys that stays at granny's house' - yes of course. But I think what's being missed here is that the sonic teddy isn't just a toy, like a car or a football. OP's toddler clearly attaches very strongly to favourite teddies (like the 3 he carries around everywhere). In this respect, a teddy / cuddly is not a toy but a comforter.

Granny buying one that she knows he will like, and then forbids him to take home, sounds a bit cruel and controlling. It's like granny buying a comfort blanket for a younger baby and not allowing it to go with him.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 15:25

SafferUpNorth · 10/06/2022 15:20

All the posters saying 'Totally normal to have a box of toys that stays at granny's house' - yes of course. But I think what's being missed here is that the sonic teddy isn't just a toy, like a car or a football. OP's toddler clearly attaches very strongly to favourite teddies (like the 3 he carries around everywhere). In this respect, a teddy / cuddly is not a toy but a comforter.

Granny buying one that she knows he will like, and then forbids him to take home, sounds a bit cruel and controlling. It's like granny buying a comfort blanket for a younger baby and not allowing it to go with him.

Grandchild wasn't bothered, this is all from the OPs point of view.

MissyCooperismyShero · 10/06/2022 15:28

All you people saying mil is a conniving lunatic presumably would stop the child visiting? Forgo the childcare? Op if you are leaving the child with a person who you believe is batshit or any of the other hateful things listed in this thread, then wtf is wrong with you? I want you prosecuted for your willful neglect. But of course as is likely true, you are perfectly happy with her very adequate childcare and you just wanted to moan about mil so rock on, but maybe take a hard look at yourself.

SafferUpNorth · 10/06/2022 15:28

Grandchild wasn't bothered, this is all from the OPs point of view.

Sounds like he was, though? Had to have it hidden while his nappy was being changed.

Beees · 10/06/2022 15:28

Grandchild wasn't bothered, this is all from the OPs point of view.

He wasn't bothered this time but if he gets attached to soft toys it's quite likely to be a problem in the future. The only reason he didn't get upset this time is because they actively hid the toy.

Remember he's only 2 and 1/2 he's still pretty little and likely prone to tantrums so the OP will be the one to endure the fallout in future should he want to take it home next time.

PaintingClocks · 10/06/2022 15:32

The clothes is weird. I had toys at my Nan’s when I was little, and I loved playing with them but they were for Nans only (I think they were my dad and aunts toys from when they were kids), so I suppose in a way it’s normal to have toys at different peoples houses but it’s weird if she’s got it specifically just for her house. Its not like it’s just a board game or something like that either, a teddy is a bit more personal than that

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 15:33

...or maybe that won't happen and it will be fine.

Seaweed42 · 10/06/2022 15:36

I'd leave her to it. I wouldn't bother entering into the 'drama' with MIL.
Your son will get used to only having the Sonic over there.
Honestly, it's not worth it. Don't reduce yourself to playing mind games with her.
Let her pretend your DS is her son while he is over there.
I know it's awful annoying for you but you can't really control what she does when he is there.

He is safe and loved there in her house regardless of how he is dressed.

Be thankful she is not more controlling or intrusive in your lives.
She could be calling over to your house whenever she likes and staying all bloody day. At least she has her time with DS alone for the day and that will keep her satisfied.
Believe me, it could be a lot worse!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 15:37

Beees · 10/06/2022 15:28

Grandchild wasn't bothered, this is all from the OPs point of view.

He wasn't bothered this time but if he gets attached to soft toys it's quite likely to be a problem in the future. The only reason he didn't get upset this time is because they actively hid the toy.

Remember he's only 2 and 1/2 he's still pretty little and likely prone to tantrums so the OP will be the one to endure the fallout in future should he want to take it home next time.

It's ok to say no to a child.