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Original poster

MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

227 replies

Donnaslayer · 10/06/2022 12:55

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 10/06/2022 15:38

The thing is, she may not have thought too deeply about it. It may be just that she thought, he likes sonic right now, what's a sonic thing? Oh, this teddy, says sonic on it, that'll do. Fine, I'll pop that in my basket with the groceries and it'll be there for him when he comes over.

That's far more likely than her secretly plotting maximum upset for the child.

2Rebecca · 10/06/2022 15:38

My grandmother had soft toys that stayed at her house. Age 2 1/2 he's old enough to be told it's granny's toy for him to play with when he's there. As he gets older he'll stop allowing her to change his clothes and won't want to be her dress up doll.

Beees · 10/06/2022 15:40

It's ok to say no to a child.

No one is saying you can't say no to a child but it's a daft thing to do to deliberately upset a child over a toy that is there's.

Isaidnoalready · 10/06/2022 15:43

I'm wondering how long he will tolerate being changed as soon as he arrives 🤔 dd didn't make it past three before the screams and tantrums hit nanny's House hard

Laiste · 10/06/2022 15:44

It's normal to have a selection of toys which stay at GPs, but i've never known any GP to actually REFUSE to relinquish* *a toy if a v young child has become attached to it to the point of becoming upset.

If that happens OP, i'd buy him his own one.

And quite enjoy him bringing it to hers

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 15:44

Beees · 10/06/2022 15:40

It's ok to say no to a child.

No one is saying you can't say no to a child but it's a daft thing to do to deliberately upset a child over a toy that is there's.

It's also daft to worry about something that might not even happen.

itsgettingweird · 10/06/2022 15:44

The clothes is bonkers.

Toys that stay at a grandparents house is pretty normal ime.

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 15:45

I don't think buying toys for your house for you grandchild to play with counts as deliberately setting out to upset them though. My kids were the youngest of 6 grandchildren. Gran and Grandpa had a whole load of toys for communal use, they soon learnt that they couldn't take them home. Ds1 once had a massive melt down when he wasn't allowed to take the train set home (he was obssessed w trains). He got over it soon enough.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 15:45

PleasantBirthday · 10/06/2022 15:38

The thing is, she may not have thought too deeply about it. It may be just that she thought, he likes sonic right now, what's a sonic thing? Oh, this teddy, says sonic on it, that'll do. Fine, I'll pop that in my basket with the groceries and it'll be there for him when he comes over.

That's far more likely than her secretly plotting maximum upset for the child.

I imagine that's very likely!

dawngreen · 10/06/2022 15:46

At least you don't have to worry that your son arrives home with messy clothes. And its only one day out of 7 days. Maybe she just dotes on her grandson, and has no idea how you feel.

Choopi · 10/06/2022 15:48

`The clothes thing is a bit weird but there is no actual harm in it. My grandparents had toys for us that stayed at their house, my kids grandparents had toys for them that stayed at their house, it was just part of what made staying with them fun and you learn to put the toys away when you are leaving until next time. It's really normal and not something that would raise an eyebrow with me.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2022 15:49

The clothes is strange but I think you're wrong about the teddy. It's good for her to have things for him to play with at hers, I think this is pretty normal practise for grandparents.

oakleaffy · 10/06/2022 15:56

Howshouldibehave · 10/06/2022 13:00

My mum had some clothes, a teddy and toy box of toys at hers when my kids were little and they didn’t come to our house-didn’t bother me at all

Ditto.
Grandparents had specific toys at theirs that were very special as rationed to visits.

Bettethebuilder · 10/06/2022 16:00

clothes thing is a bit odd, but the teddy is normal. Normal to have toys that just stay at grandma’s house.

CandleSchtick · 10/06/2022 16:01

I do think it's fair that the the teddy stays there. You do have to teach diddlers they can't have what they want all the time. To buy him the same one is spoiling hiM in my opinion. Teach him that teddy is for grandmas only. As for all the other stuff let her crack on ! As long as he's loved

I agree with this. Toddlers have to learn that there are some toys out and about that you can't take home with you. This is a good way of teaching them.
My dc had toys that always lived at granny's, and they accepted it from a very early age.

godmum56 · 10/06/2022 16:03

usual MN question. It may not be how you want stuff to be but is this a hill to die on? Because as i see it you either let her do things her way in her house or you stop the arrangement?

broccolicheese · 10/06/2022 16:04

I think the clothes thing is weird. But, surely lots of children have toys that stay at their grandparents? Just say Sonic lives here at Grannys house, he'll be waiting for you when you come back next week. Never known this be an issue with any children.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/06/2022 16:07

Fgs if he does notice is she going to really let a child cry? Honestly some people.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/06/2022 16:07

She's a fruit loop who looks after your 2.5 year old every Friday. Presumably for free. If you were saying he comes home unhappy or you were worried for his safety I would take your concerns seriously. But you aren't saying that. Nod and smile and be thankful for some childcare freely given by someone who loves him enough to buy him extra clothes and toys.

HettyMeg · 10/06/2022 16:08

Sounds like a weird power trip. Disturbing and controlling by your MIL.

mam0918 · 10/06/2022 16:13

Is he the only grand child?

I had a family member that had a dozen grandkids (6 children each had 2 children) plus half a dozen nieces/nephews that they treat like grandkids... everything was for ALL kids not one so remained at the house.

My IL also have a thing where they send loads to my house (or DS will throw a stop) but they know I send everything back but the thing is non of the stuff 'belongs' to them... they have a wierd thing where items are 'loaned' around the family.

So between DH, his siblings and his cousins theres pretty much a baby born every year so each year the 'loan' rotates round to the grandparents of the newborn.

I frankly hate it as I feel responsible for other peoples belongings and they do expect it back for when their next baby comes... my view is dont give things away until your done using them (so if I plan another baby I dont give away my baby things) but DH parent love taking part in this 'churn' of belongings.

But yeah different families have different rules on these types of things.

Porcupineintherough · 10/06/2022 16:16

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/06/2022 16:07

Fgs if he does notice is she going to really let a child cry? Honestly some people.

He's a toddler, he probably cries 17 times a day. He'll cry when he's not allowed to eat dog food. He'll cry because his biscuit is broken. He'll cry when he's not allowed to take toys home from playgroup/a friends house/the ELC (do those still exist?)/the toy aisle at Tesco. Toddlers have big emotions and crying is one way they deal with them as they learn to navigate the world and its rules. Its not inherently harmful.

SeasonFinale · 10/06/2022 16:17

I don't think either the clothes or the Sonic is a problem

I assume she puts in him "her clothes" so she can let him get as dirty or messy as she wants without having to send him back in dirty clothes that a judgmental DIL might complain about on MN.

I don't have a problem re a toy that is special for playing with at Nanny's house either. She may want subsequent grandchildren to pay with it too. We had a farm that my siblings and cousins all played with at my grandparents. One of the things that made it interesting and exciting was we didn't have one at home so we looked forward to playing with it there.

BluebellField · 10/06/2022 16:18

I agree with pps that the clothes situation is strange but I think you're being unreasonable about the teddy.

A lot of children have toys that their grandparents have bought that stay at the grandparents' house. What happens when she buys him a train set or set of Lego next to keep at her house? He'll love it so much and want to bring it home? You can't do that with everything or he'd have nothing to play with when he goes there. That's just how it is, there are different toys at his grandma's house.

Kanaloa · 10/06/2022 16:22

I really wouldn’t like it if my mil kept special outfits at her house and made all my kids change into them when she was looking after them. She does have some spare stuff at hers (in case they need to change it have an impromptu sleepover) but that’s not what this is. This is some weird stamp/territory marking as she takes off the clothes you’ve chosen and replaces them with ones she has. It’s of no benefit to the child and it’s weird. It would make me uncomfortable and I’d have to say ‘mil why are you changing Jack? He’s already wearing nice clean clothes. Do you think I send him in dirty clothes? Why do you want to change him every time he comes here?’

Having said that, I didn’t rely on free childcare. Leaves you in a bit of a pickle really.