MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

[Donnaslayer]

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

My grandson has toys that stay at my house. Didn’t realise it was that unusual. If he particularly loved one, and was desperate to take it home he could, but otherwise it makes sense for him to have toys here rather than having to haul stuff over everytime he comes to see us.

The changing clothes thing is weird. If your kid went missing and you had to describe what they were wearing that day to tell police it would be wrong 😖

Very normal for grandparents who provide regular childcare to have a box of toys at their house. Children can understand this as it’s the same as visiting nursery/ playgroup/ activities etc where they only get to play with the toys whilst there. It’s no big deal I don’t think
immediately getting child changed at their house, yes but odd. Lots of parents and wider family enjoy buying outfits and dressing kids up though, I doubt your child is particularly worried and it makes no difference to you so I’d leave it

Have you written about MIL before on here?

DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant...All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed

I agree with some of the comments on here that its nice to have toys at Grandma's etc.
But that is a pretty forceful way overruling of both of you. Why does an Uncle get a say in anything?

Do you really want DS to go there every Friday if she's now making up "rules"? It's tricky because if you need the childcare and both MIL and DS seem to enjoy it then it's you probably don't want to end the arrangement, over some occasional misgivings and therefore discussing it with her (without Uncle butting in) might be the way forward.

But, this seems to be really bugging you, so maybe Proceed with caution because she sounds very determined to have her say and her way in his upbringing. My feeling is the more she's allowed to impose rules, the more confident she will be about doing it again (if that is an accurate reading of her personality, but only you two can know really) and you don't want to have her thinking its OK to override or undermine both of you on something more important.

Buy him a Sonic for home if he likes it so much ( you will probably feel much better about it) and try not to let the nonsense affect you. It could turn out to be a molehill not a mountain. The good thing is your DH speaks up for you when needed, which is a real positive.

But the nana would know and the child would be under the nanas care?

Imo you need to go buy him a duplicate Sonic... She isn't really a nice dgm is she?
Playing 'house' with your ds.. Urgh.
Would be considering a day at nursery instead...

Bingo. Another weird grandparent that thinks she owns the child. Thankfully, in this situation she’s only doing it in her own home.

My DM had clothes and toys and books at their House when mine were little . There they stayed .
The changing clothing thing is odd though really . My Mum never done that

I wish posters could refrain from reading something like this and then trying to persuade the OP that the right thing to do is go no contact. None of it is that big a deal. She changes the clothes immediately? Fine, less washing for OP. He has a toy for Granny's house? Normal enough.

None of it is worth trying to split a family over.

Not at all, they do a great job of parenting.

Tell her to
stop changing his clothes, there is no need and that you have addressed him appropriately already.

Also tell her not to buy him comfort toys, as you will send him with ones he can have whenever he needs.

She sounds a bit crazy tbh.

Yep, it reads that way, no doubt at all.

Utter bullshit.
The police would be in touch with parents automatically about this.

This crazy old lady is a control freak and the BIL has nothing to do with this.

Ooft she sounds hard work.

It isn't unusual at all, my mother looked after my kids when they were young and she had a stock of toys there for them and they stayed there, when my brother had kids they would play with the toy when they visited her too. Difference is my mother never had to tell my kids to leave the toys there for next time, I told them, it wouldn't have occurred to me to be bothered, I was teaching them that they can't take everything they want home all the time 💁

You wouldn't buy them stuff they didn't like [Grin]

Oh I definitely didn't mean don't get stuff they like but isn't stuff at a grandparents house normally more generic stuff that almost any child would like e.g colouring books, lego, art supplies, train tracks, cars, books etc

My point was more that they obviously know he's currently into sonic hence buying him the toy. He's played with it all day and then has to leave it behind because granny says so even though it's his toy and it was only brought because he likes sonic.

My DS is pretty understanding at knowing what stuff isn't his to take home but he would definitely struggle to leave something behind that was brought specifically for him because it was something he was currently very focused on.

The clothes thing I find odd but is it really worth getting worked up over?
As for the teddy, of course it should stay at her house, my mum and PIL have toy boxes of things that never leave their house, that's part of the fun, that they have different stuff at their house! YADBU!

Why shouldn’t she get him some toys to keep at her house, as she sees him regularly? She probably worries he’ll take Sonic home and lose it or it will get forgotten about with all his other toys at home. It makes it more special to keep it for when he visits.

He’ll learn some toys stay at Grandma’s house.

As for clothes, maybe she worries he’ll get your clothes dirty or something? Or she just enjoys buying him clothes and shoes? Tbh Hey Duggee sounds more age appropriate than Spider-Man 😂

Your MIL sounds like a PITA.

It's a bit weird about the clothes, but not really an issue is it?
The Teddy thing I think I understand. She wants to have some toys there for him that he only plays with when he's there. If he takes it home for the week and brings it back next time the novelty will be gone off it and he prob won't bother playing it, making it more difficult for your mother in law to entertain him? I would imagine that's the reason.
If she's normally OK and you have a decent relationship I'd let this one slide.

DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up.
@Donnaslayer What your MIL is doing is odd enough on its own, but I don't get why her son is so heavily invested? Is there history between him and your DH or is something else going on there?

What a complete nutter. Better get that child away before she converts him to one too.

I would just leave it, OP. The clothes thing sounds mad (what toddler likes being changed in and out of clothes more than necessary?) but perhaps she's putting him and out of clothes so he can dig in the garden/splash in puddles. If not she's doolally. The Sonic things as PPs have said - lots of toys at GPs house means it's a special visit. Unless he's unhappy and unwilling to go to her on the Friday's she's offering you and your husband free child care, I'd leave it be.

Yes, but buying a soft toy especially for a grandchild is not the same as having a box of toys, though, is it? Kids don't share favourite teddies they way they do a train set, cars etc. Especially as this tot clearly bonds with his teddies the way he takes them everywhere. It seems weird and cruel to present him with a new cuddly and not allow him to take it home if he wants to.

OP, Frankly she sounds bonkers. The changing thing is nuts. It's like she's playing happy families with your DS. What kind of upbringing does your DH say he had? I wonder whether, in a strange way, this is her trying to compensate for not having bonded with her own children?