MIL won't allow DS to bring teddy home

[Donnaslayer]

Hello mumsnetters. My MIL looks after our DS 2.5yrs old every Friday. She loves having him. Now we dress him in a nice outfits but as soon as she gets him to her house she changes him out of them and into clothes shes bought him. There's no difference in style or anything other than shes bought them. Today for example we dressed him in a tshirt, tracksuit and spiderman trainer's. Shes changed him into a tshirt and jogger bottoms and hey dugee trainers that shes bought him. Now all bought clothes are not allowed home and she changes him out of them again before we pick him up. We use to send spare clothes for accidents but she told us not to bother as she has absolutely heaps of stuff for him. I think its a bit weird to buy so many clothes and shoes that our DS only gets to wear 1 day a week and will probably grow out of pretty sharpish. It's not good economics but hey it's her money, her perogative I guess. My DS has 3 favorite teddies, he takes 1 to all 3 most places. My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home! DS Uncle was there too and backed MIL up. My DP had words with them about it but they were adamant. He laughed and asked why what do you think we're going to do with it? All we got back was it's staying here and they took it away and hid it while DS was having his nappy changed. Fortunately DS didn't notice but if he had there would have been hell to play. We both think it's so unfair to give DS a beloved teddy to play with all day and then tell him a toddler you can't take it home with you, it will be here next week sigh. Im thinking I'll just go buy him the same Sonic teddy as I cba with this pointless power struggle every week. Am I being unreasonable?

Omg no it's not! It's hard work looking after grandchildren and it's nice to toys that they like in the house. If all the toys went home then is she meant to buy new ones all the time?

If she is trying to alienate you and eventually lose contact with DS then she is doing her job well.
I'd hate her.

I'm not sure why you've posted this. You've painted yourself in a very bad light here.

Let's be honest, she's pretending she's his mummy and he's her DS and that you don't exist.

Don't be ridiculous! Almost every granny has toys at their house that they keep there for the DGCs.

I wouldn’t be taking my child there any longer. She’s batshit and not someone I’d let within 100 miles of my child unsupervised. Normal grandparents do not behave like that. Toxic. She’ll be poisoning your DS against you as soon as he’s old enough. My MIL would be like this if she lived in England, fortunately she’s banished to another country and we don’t let her visit as she’s nuts.

I'm going to say YABU, she wants to have toys at her house for him and your son needs to learn that sometimes he has to leave toys behind, like if he's at another childs house or a play group etc

The clothes stuff is a bit odd alright though but it's not doing him any harm I suppose

To clarify, I think it's completely normal for grandparents who regularly have their grandchildren at their house to have clothes and toys and things for them at their house. That's just simply more convenient for everyone. I just think it's abnormal the way that this grandparent insists upon such a harsh division between "home" and "granny's", to change a child out of clean clothes into a new outfit because it's "granny's clothes at granny's house" and to not allow toys to flow between the two houses is odd and controlling.

This!!

I just wanted to say I remember a thread from years ago where the Mil kept posher clothes at hers and changed her DGgch when they arrived at her house, so you're not alone!
Re Teddy, I am leaning towards it's good to have toys that live with Granny, for novelty value when.DS goes there.

You either accept it because of the childcare or drop the childcare. She is playing at being mummy.
I can’t imagine my MIL would have take clothes off my DC and put them in different ones for no good reason.

Your DS doesn't care.

Like a PP, my DM always had clothes, toys and teddies that stayed at her house.

I think your attitude is odd.

I think what some posters are missing is that this toy has been brought specifically because the OPs child currently likes sonic. Having generic toys to play with at another person's house is totally normal and she obviously has stuff at hers that he plays with every week

However this is a special toy she has brought just for him because it's something he currently enjoys and that's why I feel it's mean making it stay at her house. Toddlers are fickle creatures, he probably won't like sonic any more in a few weeks time so to deny him the enjoyment of playing with something he currently really likes just because she can seems very unkind.

The clothes thing is totally wild, but it doesn't matter if Sonic stays there. I know your DS likes Sonic, but it's really not that big of a deal.

My issue is she's now bought him a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy last week, he loves Sonic but she told him/us it's staying here! Hes not allowed to take it home!

Of course. Perfectly normal.

We purposely provide our visiting grandkids with toys books crafts and activities they don't have at home; and the toys/games etc stay at our house for next time . Also,. we have a stock of pants, pyjamas, wellies, toothbrushes (bought by us) that LIVE HERE. And we (purposely) serve food they don't get at home.

The GC's have understood this from the start; it's one of their joys of visiting the GP's ( immediately dive into the much-loved toys/crafts/games/books). Eating the foods we cook, the (very ordinary!) special dishes they associate with us and our home. Children LOVE habits, rituals and routines. It's their security.

Don't deprive your son of the happy anticipation and emotional stability of being reunited with all the special toys/clothes/food he only gets at his grandparents.

My mom does this with my nephew because his other Gran smokes and his clothes smell of it. Also though, I think she likes to have things for him at her house. She also have toys that live at nana's. If he particularly wanted to take something home she wouldn't bother / it could go home with him but similar premise of toys that live at nana's etc. it's free childcare so who cares 😂

I don't think anyone has missed that. They just don't agree that it's unkind for GPs to buy something a DC likes and then keep it in their house. You wouldn't buy them stuff they didn't like

As for falling out of like, yy toddlers can be fickle but they can also have teddies that they keep for years. Our DC always loved that they had different toys they could only play with in granny's house.

If she looks after him well and it saves you money in childcare, I’d just try to ignore it. We all have odd little ways that other people would probably find a bit weird.

I think it's perfectly fine to have toys that stay at Grandma's house. Clothes too but changing in and out of them seems a bit much. It is a little bit like she's replicating a motherly role so maybe that's causing you tension? But it comes from a place of love and if you think about it grandmothers are part of a matriarchal hierarchy. It sounds like he is well loved and taken care of, she's just a little possessive. Is he the only grandchild?

My MIL always changed my DCs clothes too. The clothes weren’t that different in style to what we’d put them in, the only difference was that she’d bought them. I accepted the excuse that the originals were dirty, wet etc. until one time we stayed there, popped out for five minutes and came back to DC in a completely different outfit. When I asked why, I was met with a hard, steely glare and told they’d spilt juice. She also called my DC her own child’s name and would sometimes slip up and call herself “mum” when I was there too.

Re the toys, we had the opposite in that she was always sending bags and bags of toys. I always assumed it was her way of marking her territory at our house too!

Depends how Sonic was presented. Given to him as a wrapped gift for his birthday, it’s his to take home. As a “oh look at this new Sonic that’s come to play at Granny’s” it lives at Granny’s. My kids had toys in both categories and it was completely fine, they understood that some toys were theirs and some were for playing with when they visited. If the child’s not bothered I don’t know why you are!

The clothes thing is weird, but I imagine she’ll stop when your child protests about having to constantly change. Again, if child is happy (and the shoes fit and the outfit is weather appropriate etc) then I would let her have her fun. She’s not getting his hair cut or getting him to call her Mummy, she’s just playing dress up and unless your child is being upset by it it’s harmless.

She's keeping something special for him at her house, you buying it for your home makes it less special and also spoils your child so he thinks he can whatever wherever he goes. She is good enough to look after your DS every week and is also treating him very well by the sounds of things. If my mam bought my kids something there's no way I'd be demanding or huffing cos they weren't allowed bring it home and I also wouldn't allow them to huff or demand because it's not teaching them anything.

The clothes she keeps and washes at her house, she knows they are there and she has enough to make sure he's clean, she's changing him so your clothes don't get wrecked. You say you dress in "nice clothes" maybe she's afraid he'll wreck them and get given out to by his parents so she changes to avoid that!

She wants him wearing clothes that she has picked. She wants him to have a toy at her house that he will look forward to getting back. The withdrawal of the toy is all part of it “You can have it back when you come back here”
It’s weird controlling and manipulative behaviour.

I always had toys here for dgc and the only ones that stayed here were things that had belonged to my dc originally. Anything else whether from a charity shop or Harrods (one thing once!) went home if the child asked to take it or stayed here if not . An example would be that the original Brio trains stayed here but the new Thomas Brio went home. I never bought clothes for here just either gave them to dd or used stuff from their home. I did most of my child minding at their house anyway. I did 3 days or part days every week for about 13 years until Covid stopped it when youngest was in Y6.

Also good economics isn't buying the same toy twice to avoid a tantrum or giving an explanation of why Sonic lives with nana.

Normal grandparents do not behave like that.

Oh yes we do. Course, we are the kind of grandparents trusted to look after the GC all on our own for whole days /overnight/weekends . The kind of GP 's the GC's love to bits and are very happy with. It's mutual.