So sick of walking on eggshells but can't deal with the fall-out if I don't. Advice please!

[DWofMN]

I'm using DH's account, I'm not a MNer so please forgive me if I mess up the terminology - and apologies that this is long.

DH posted recently about an issue I'm having with my family and the general advice was either to go NC or to stand up to them - I don't feel like I can do either because DM has a temper but I love her dearly and treasure her in my life. She's an amazing GP to DS.

There are a few incidents playing on my mind and I don't know how to handle them:

DH and I are moving house to a new location, just over two hours from where we live. DM messaged me a couple of weeks ago to say that DSis was going on holiday to "nearby" the new house and, because DSis wanted to do an "adult only" activity with her DH, they had asked DM to come along and babysit DN. DM suggested we take this opportunity to show her our new house (I don't see why she needs to see it tbh) and I said I'd speak to the agent. The agent said it basically depends how busy they are - the owners won't allow us to just have free access to the house (it's vacant) which is fair enough so the agent said he'd do a viewing for DM if he has a slot available on the day but that he'd be prioritising people viewing properties who are actually going to purchase them (which is also fair enough). It also tied in well because I'm in my third trimester now and DSis still has my 0+ baby seat from when DN was little - and I need it back. So, I could tie in getting that back from her, I asked her to take it with her so I could get it back and she said she would. I've been anxious to get it back because DSis isn't the most reliable and I'm worried it'll be broken or missing parts and I need to know ASAP because it's part of our whole travel system.

On the day, the agent said that, unfortunately, he's fully booked up and there's no way he can do a viewing of the house for DM but that the vendors have said they have no problem with us going onto the property to look at the gardens and things - and we could also show DM the local area. I relayed this to DM, who was annoyed but ok, and I suggested we do an activity that's right next to the house that DS and DN would enjoy - DM agreed and we said what our ETA was and I sent a link and Google Maps location for the activity. When we arrived, about two hours later, there was no sign of DM and a few minutes later, DH got a text from DM that said "that's too far away..." (even though it's right next to the house she wanted to go and see) so DH replied asking her what she'd like to do. She replied "well, you could suggest somewhere closer for a start" - we don't know where she even is, all she's said to us is that she's staying "nearby the new house" (which was the entire reason she wanted us to book the viewing). She sent us her location, which was almost an hour away (and, by this point, we'd left the house three hours earlier, with a toddler and me being sick the whole time). DH drove the extra hour down and we met DM, DF and DN. DM was in a bad mood the whole time and told us she couldn't stay long (we met at a pub) because they needed to check out by 4pm (it was now gone 2pm) which I thought was odd because they were staying with DSis on her holiday so didn't need to "check out" but whatever. So, at 3.30pm DM went to the bathroom, I checked the time and said to DF we'd better head off to check out - at which point he said there's no rush because there's no check-out time. He said that just as DM reappeared, and she then had a big strop because she'd clearly been caught in a lie and just didn't want to spend any time with me. DF then wanted DH to help with lifting luggage so we went back to their accommodation to help, DSis came back at that point and said that she hadn't brought the car seat because she couldn't fit it in the car... So, I'd spent a day of my bank holiday driving for almost 8 hours to sit with my mum for 2 hours whilst she sulked, have DH sent rude text messages and not get my car seat back! It feels like I did nothing but try to appease her (by trying to get the viewing, by driving the extra hour to her, by pretending to accept she never said they had to check-out, by DH helping them pack, by not responding in kind to her rude messages etc) and all I got in return was her showing that she doesn't care at all.

DS has a birthday coming up and, because people insist on buying huge plastic toys that we have no space for despite us asking multiple times for them not to, we made an online list of gifts we think DS would like that are either activities or very small (a range of prices and no pressure to get anything). The online list is like a wedding gift registry where people say what they've bought so you don't end up with duplicates. For previous birthdays/Christmases, people have asked us for gift ideas and, regardless of what we suggest and even when we say "anything that isn't huge because we have no space", certain relatives insist on purchasing the biggest imaginable toys. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. One of DS's relatives purchased an activity gift from the list to take him to do. The next day, I got an irate message from DM asking why it's no longer available because she wanted to do that one. I asked around and found out, but explained to DM that DS would definitely enjoy doing the activity more than once so she can do it too if she likes - but she said no, she didn't want to do what someone else was doing. So, I had to ask the relative to give that up so DM could do it. Then, on a video call to DM later that day, DS showed her his new toy that he loves that he'd seen whilst we were out shopping (a small toy about £7). DM then got upset because she'd bought him the exact same toy for his birthday (how were we supposed to know that?) and couldn't return it because she'd bought it many months ago. I resolved that by saying we could return the one she has (still in packaging) as if it's the one we bought (they're identical and bought from the same store) and that DS can have the one he currently has a birthday gift from her - so she eventually, and grumpily, accepted that solution.

Then, last night, DM sent a link to our group chat to a holiday home booked for 2 days after my due date this summer. It's five hours drive from where I live, and mine and DH's share would be almost £1000 just for the house. The message accompanying the link said it was so that we could now go on the holiday. DM has been trying to book a family holiday abroad but we pointed out that we couldn't get a passport for the baby (and obviously can't leave a baby that's a day old with a sitter or anything) so obviously we couldn't go - so that was cancelled, with a lot of stropping and angst directed at me. DBro hasn't spoken to me since that was cancelled and DSis has only spoken to confirm she'd bring the car seat and then, when I saw him, to say she hadn't brought it. DSis then responded to the group chat with a pointed and sulky message about "oh, so this is instead of going somewhere nice abroad then?". I feel like I've ruined everyone else's summer holiday plans because I wouldn't go abroad so I feel like I have to agree with this holiday in the UK. But, in truth, we can't afford to pay thousands for a holiday right now and I don't want to book something for two days after the baby is due! I didn't reply in the group chat because I didn't know what to say so then I got a message late last night from DM saying that she's going to phone me today to "nail down my plans for July and August". I can't "nail down my plans" - the baby could come at almost any point in July/August (due date is the very start of August), so my only plan is to be prepared for that.

I feel like the stress of appeasing her is just too much - but it's so much less stress than either confronting her or ignoring her. So, there's no option which isn't stressful. I'm so ill, I have HG and I'm over a stone lighter than my booking-in weight and my weight is going down again. I just want to curl up in a ball, ignore everybody and cry - but that won't resolve the issue. She's going to phone me and I just don't know what to say, I don't even want to answer.

What do I do? I think I just needed to write all of that out.

You need to answer how she is an amazing GM. She's affecting your health and so that of her unborn GC. She's also not giving a shit about your health and bonding post birth. She didn't care that her GS spent a bank holiday doing nothing and wasn't pleased enough to see him to be even pleasant. Your DH said that you aren't allowed to talk about your pregnancy? Why do you treasure her in your life?
You need to go on to the Stately homes section and read the links to help you understand why you are struggling to break free. Your children are being dragged into these toxic relationships. My advice to your DH was to step in to protect you and your children by initially making it clear that the holiday was a no go. Leave them to go abroad.

Right, for the sake of your sanity I’m trying to think of a middle ground between lying down and taking this and telling her to fuck off and never see her again.

The only thing I can think is just to be much, much firmer with your boundaries. When she suggests something that is wildly inconvenient for you, simply say no, explain why very succinctly and wish her well with the plans. E.g re holiday - thanks for trying to sort this mum, but I think you might have some of our dates wrong. Remember the baby’s due beginning of august? Obviously baby could come any time in the weeks before and after and I know you understand we’re really not going to be able to travel. I really hope you guys go ahead without us and have a lovely time but I know you understand that there’s just no way we can join this time.’ If she pushes back, a simple ‘really not possible this time mum, I know you want to spend time with us and we really appreciate the effort, but as I said it’s just got to be a no this time’ and repeat. You can be firm, while playing her by keeping saying you know she’s understands (even if she doesn’t) as it will be harder for her to argue back because she’ll have to openly admit she doesn’t get it and explain why, which she won’t be able to do. And even if she tries, just ignore those bits and keep repeating, ‘no’.

This needs to apply to every interaction where she’s not being reasonable. Accommodate her ONLY when it works for you, and the rest of the time be polite and amicable but firm in your no.

I know lots of people will think this is pandering to her, but if you still want her in your life it’s the only way I can see to handle her. And if it doesn’t work, then you seriously need to consider the relationship moving forward because this can’t continue. It’s mad. But whatever you do, stop rolling over and bending to her every whim. That is the worst thing you could do.

WHY are you persisting with any of these relationships?
Tell them to bugger right off.

I agree totally with this.
I feel so sad that you're in this situation...but there is a way out.
Please do now just focus on your own little family unit (you,Dh,ds and baby).
Never mind the others.
If you're not careful all of this stress is going to make you very ill both before and after baby is born (sounds like it already is). Please, please just concentrate on your immediate little family and place dm, dsis etc on the sidelines. You sound like a very caring person but there comes a limit where those boundaries have to be drawn.
I wish you every luck and good wishes for your new baby and hope you do sort this out. X

the general advice was either to go NC or to stand up to them - I don't feel like I can do either because DM has a temper but I love her dearly and treasure her in my life. She's an amazing GP to DS.

You have been presented with two excellent solutions to your problem, but you don't feel you can do either of them, so unless you can step up and do the right thing, this issue isn't going to go away.

Why the bloody hell do you 'treasure her in your life'? She is causing you endless hurt and stress and doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. She is making you miserable.

She is not an amazing grandparent at all. She's treating you like shit and her interest in your DS is entirely about her, not him. Look at the business with the presents - she doesn't care about what DS actually wants, she only cares about being top dog and shitting on other people. She also doesn't give a toss about your health and welfare while you're pregnant, so she's already being a shit grandparent to your unborn baby too.

Your mother has quite honestly manipulated and coerced you into dancing to her batshit tune all your life and for that reason you're currently completely unable to see the insanity of this whole situation. I strongly suspect that if you don't either stand up to her or drastically reduce/entirely stop your contact with her, it will ruin your life and your marriage.

By the way - as your children get older she will also do this to them, and it will make them miserable too. Surely you don't want that? Do you want them thinking it's normal or OK to spend their lives pussyfooting around a foul-tempered, manipulative woman who treats everyone like shit?!

You have a very stark choice here. You either stand up to her and remove her from all or most aspects of your life, or you will deal with this every bloody day of your life until one of you dies. Up to you.

OP - how was the date for the holiday agreed? Unilaterally by DM, someone else, as a group with you or as a group without you?

No-one and I mean NO-ONE plans a holiday for 2 days after someone's due date unless it is out of spite. The fact that it's your own family that are suggesting this is absolutely remarkable. Your DM/family want things to blow up and based on everything you have said, you need to cut them off substantially - your family is you DH and newborn child.

Stop feeling like you have to 'fix' everything she gets upset about.
If she moans about buying DS a toy he already has, just say 'never mind, he' ll have two'.
When she asks about your summer plans 'sorry DM, I'm not making plans, I'm having a baby'.
When the family moans about the UK holiday, 'I think it's best you plan without us'
When she pulled the stunt on the day you were supposed to be viewing the house, you say 'never mind Mum, we'll meet up another day' and you just makes alternative plans with DP and DC.
When she complains about a relative buying the gift she wants to buy
'never mind Mum, someone has already chosen that gift'. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PETTY PROBLEMS TO SOLVE
Every issue she has is pathetic, stopaling them your problems, just bat them back.

Oh, and also: your siblings are total cunts. Your family are ganging up on you. They're horrible. Walk away.

As for being an amazing Grandma my MIL was too until my dc decided they were too old and stroppy to be extras in the MIL show and developed actual opinions and preferences .
Your mother will be an amazing Grandma only if it suits her

In your position I would tell them all to go fuck themselves. What a bunch of entitled pricks they sound. They are bullying you. I think rather than curling up in a ball I would be getting pretty angry actually.

Is this your first baby OP? It's highly unlikely you will even be able to go as far as the local shopping centre for the first week let alone on a holiday. You will be doing well if you've managed to even squeeze a shower in and get dressed before mid afternoon. They must be absolutely off their rockers if they think you will be in a position to go on holiday - a holiday with a brand new newborn would be impossible. You won't have time for anything but necessities at the beginning. I would read them the riot act at this point.

Just state what’s doable and not. Then broken record.

Her call to firm up plans for July and August? Well your firm plans are to have your baby, you can’t consider the family holiday, say no now, don’t leave it fester. No amendments to the plan will work. I suspect she will try to suggest alternatives, if so then just keeping no. Nothing this summer, no holidays. I hope you stand up for your DC because you are letting yourself down.

Prioritise yourself, your DH and your forthcoming baby, grow a thick skin to any temper from your DM.
My plans for the summer are to concentrate on our new baby & house move - we don't have enough funds or time to come on a family holiday so you must carry on without us. I won't discuss this further, I don't have the energy and you will not change my mind.
They're treating you like crap and you are letting them - you can't stop their behaviour but you can change your response.

Say "a family holiday won't work for us this summer with the new baby arriving. Hope you all find something lovely to book together and we'll perhaps join next time." Nothing further required. And then stop pandering to any of them. And stop worrying what they think of you, you can't change that.

Have a shit or get off the pot OP. Your mother’s a prize cunt. Things won’t change, walk away from it.

I personally would send a 🤣🤣🤣🤣 to whatapp group.. obviously i am not going on holiday 3 days after my due date.. Have a great time.
You need to buy your own car seat... plastic becomes more brittle as it gets older so depending on age may not be ideal anyway..
You need to do some work on yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way..

OP, the way you have built up your family, it sounds like even if you went ahead with the booking, they would be furious if your baby subsequently arrived late and would take it out on you as you couldn't go.

There is clearly more to the way DM is acting. Is she angry that you're moving away? Are things ok between her and DF?

She is a toxic psycho. She's a narcissist. Go no contact with that vile bitch.

You're mother is insane! How can you book a holiday around the time of your due date. Just tell them it''s impossible for you to commit and book for themselves, or are by them including you, DH and DS will you be subsidising their holiday?

Why on earth do you want these people in your life?

But you don't treasure her in your life, she makes you want to cry, she makes you stressed, she makes you feel like shit.

She had a pregnant woman drive around for hours and was rude to everyone, she won't change OP and you will be having these same dilemmas again and again.

I posted on your husbands thread. Honestly at this point you need to put your baby first and tell them you're too ill to visit/ talk or whatever. Get your husband to reply if you can't. Then get some therapy and see if you can do some work on why you treasure someone that treats you with absolute disdain and makes you miserable. I know you love her but she doesn't deserve it and she doesn't love you. I'm sorry but you deserve better

Firstly, reply saying you wont be going on the holiday as it is so close to your due date, tell them to feel free to go abroad and you hope they have a great time, then either mute the group or turn off your phone and just have some peace from them to collect your thoughts.

Secondly, buy a new car seat - expensive and annoying, but your family are enjoying having that power over you, take it away from them. Don't mention it again and if your sister asks, just breezily reply 'oh, don't worry about that, we invested in a new, better one'

Thirdly, LC, you owe them nothing, they are horrible to you, no more appeasing. She should have bought the birthday gift when she first saw it, she will have to pick something else. Lots of 'no mum, that wont work for us' lots of ignoring phonecalls/messages until YOU are ready to communicate with them. Look after yourself, your husband and your children and enjoy your life 💐

I agree with everything that’s been said about standing up for yourself. Stop doing things you don’t want to do. You don’t have to keep bending over backwards to please everybody other than yourself. Explain why you can’t do something in a short and simple way and keep repeating it.

OP , your mum is a bully and is controlling you. Your siblings are also enabling this.

Please open your eyes and ears.

If you continue to live your life dancing to their tune , you may find that your husband will decide that he won't continue with your relationship. He is watching you being trodden on and it hurts him too.

What's the worst that could happen if you stand up to them?
Go NC then you won't have to deal with it.your mum is hardly going to pop round and smack your bottom for being a naughty girl, is she?

Put your own family first and don't expose your children to this toxicity.

Please seek some counselling.

Go low contact.

I voted YABU because you need to stand up for yourself and say no.

How is your DM an amazing GP? She sounds like a complete nightmare, sulking because someone else has already booked an activity that she wanted to do, or because your ds already had the toy that she had bought a a gift.

Tell them that you won't be going on any holiday (UK or abroad) 2 days after giving birth and that they should go without to.

Move 2 hours away ASAP and don't invite them over!