So sick of walking on eggshells but can't deal with the fall-out if I don't. Advice please!

[DWofMN]

I'm using DH's account, I'm not a MNer so please forgive me if I mess up the terminology - and apologies that this is long.

DH posted recently about an issue I'm having with my family and the general advice was either to go NC or to stand up to them - I don't feel like I can do either because DM has a temper but I love her dearly and treasure her in my life. She's an amazing GP to DS.

There are a few incidents playing on my mind and I don't know how to handle them:

DH and I are moving house to a new location, just over two hours from where we live. DM messaged me a couple of weeks ago to say that DSis was going on holiday to "nearby" the new house and, because DSis wanted to do an "adult only" activity with her DH, they had asked DM to come along and babysit DN. DM suggested we take this opportunity to show her our new house (I don't see why she needs to see it tbh) and I said I'd speak to the agent. The agent said it basically depends how busy they are - the owners won't allow us to just have free access to the house (it's vacant) which is fair enough so the agent said he'd do a viewing for DM if he has a slot available on the day but that he'd be prioritising people viewing properties who are actually going to purchase them (which is also fair enough). It also tied in well because I'm in my third trimester now and DSis still has my 0+ baby seat from when DN was little - and I need it back. So, I could tie in getting that back from her, I asked her to take it with her so I could get it back and she said she would. I've been anxious to get it back because DSis isn't the most reliable and I'm worried it'll be broken or missing parts and I need to know ASAP because it's part of our whole travel system.

On the day, the agent said that, unfortunately, he's fully booked up and there's no way he can do a viewing of the house for DM but that the vendors have said they have no problem with us going onto the property to look at the gardens and things - and we could also show DM the local area. I relayed this to DM, who was annoyed but ok, and I suggested we do an activity that's right next to the house that DS and DN would enjoy - DM agreed and we said what our ETA was and I sent a link and Google Maps location for the activity. When we arrived, about two hours later, there was no sign of DM and a few minutes later, DH got a text from DM that said "that's too far away..." (even though it's right next to the house she wanted to go and see) so DH replied asking her what she'd like to do. She replied "well, you could suggest somewhere closer for a start" - we don't know where she even is, all she's said to us is that she's staying "nearby the new house" (which was the entire reason she wanted us to book the viewing). She sent us her location, which was almost an hour away (and, by this point, we'd left the house three hours earlier, with a toddler and me being sick the whole time). DH drove the extra hour down and we met DM, DF and DN. DM was in a bad mood the whole time and told us she couldn't stay long (we met at a pub) because they needed to check out by 4pm (it was now gone 2pm) which I thought was odd because they were staying with DSis on her holiday so didn't need to "check out" but whatever. So, at 3.30pm DM went to the bathroom, I checked the time and said to DF we'd better head off to check out - at which point he said there's no rush because there's no check-out time. He said that just as DM reappeared, and she then had a big strop because she'd clearly been caught in a lie and just didn't want to spend any time with me. DF then wanted DH to help with lifting luggage so we went back to their accommodation to help, DSis came back at that point and said that she hadn't brought the car seat because she couldn't fit it in the car... So, I'd spent a day of my bank holiday driving for almost 8 hours to sit with my mum for 2 hours whilst she sulked, have DH sent rude text messages and not get my car seat back! It feels like I did nothing but try to appease her (by trying to get the viewing, by driving the extra hour to her, by pretending to accept she never said they had to check-out, by DH helping them pack, by not responding in kind to her rude messages etc) and all I got in return was her showing that she doesn't care at all.

DS has a birthday coming up and, because people insist on buying huge plastic toys that we have no space for despite us asking multiple times for them not to, we made an online list of gifts we think DS would like that are either activities or very small (a range of prices and no pressure to get anything). The online list is like a wedding gift registry where people say what they've bought so you don't end up with duplicates. For previous birthdays/Christmases, people have asked us for gift ideas and, regardless of what we suggest and even when we say "anything that isn't huge because we have no space", certain relatives insist on purchasing the biggest imaginable toys. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. One of DS's relatives purchased an activity gift from the list to take him to do. The next day, I got an irate message from DM asking why it's no longer available because she wanted to do that one. I asked around and found out, but explained to DM that DS would definitely enjoy doing the activity more than once so she can do it too if she likes - but she said no, she didn't want to do what someone else was doing. So, I had to ask the relative to give that up so DM could do it. Then, on a video call to DM later that day, DS showed her his new toy that he loves that he'd seen whilst we were out shopping (a small toy about £7). DM then got upset because she'd bought him the exact same toy for his birthday (how were we supposed to know that?) and couldn't return it because she'd bought it many months ago. I resolved that by saying we could return the one she has (still in packaging) as if it's the one we bought (they're identical and bought from the same store) and that DS can have the one he currently has a birthday gift from her - so she eventually, and grumpily, accepted that solution.

Then, last night, DM sent a link to our group chat to a holiday home booked for 2 days after my due date this summer. It's five hours drive from where I live, and mine and DH's share would be almost £1000 just for the house. The message accompanying the link said it was so that we could now go on the holiday. DM has been trying to book a family holiday abroad but we pointed out that we couldn't get a passport for the baby (and obviously can't leave a baby that's a day old with a sitter or anything) so obviously we couldn't go - so that was cancelled, with a lot of stropping and angst directed at me. DBro hasn't spoken to me since that was cancelled and DSis has only spoken to confirm she'd bring the car seat and then, when I saw him, to say she hadn't brought it. DSis then responded to the group chat with a pointed and sulky message about "oh, so this is instead of going somewhere nice abroad then?". I feel like I've ruined everyone else's summer holiday plans because I wouldn't go abroad so I feel like I have to agree with this holiday in the UK. But, in truth, we can't afford to pay thousands for a holiday right now and I don't want to book something for two days after the baby is due! I didn't reply in the group chat because I didn't know what to say so then I got a message late last night from DM saying that she's going to phone me today to "nail down my plans for July and August". I can't "nail down my plans" - the baby could come at almost any point in July/August (due date is the very start of August), so my only plan is to be prepared for that.

I feel like the stress of appeasing her is just too much - but it's so much less stress than either confronting her or ignoring her. So, there's no option which isn't stressful. I'm so ill, I have HG and I'm over a stone lighter than my booking-in weight and my weight is going down again. I just want to curl up in a ball, ignore everybody and cry - but that won't resolve the issue. She's going to phone me and I just don't know what to say, I don't even want to answer.

What do I do? I think I just needed to write all of that out.

And she hasn't broken her ankle. She's trying to make you jump.

But DM has broken her ankle

Hmm

Gosh, I'm drained by just reading this!
Why do they need to have a 'meeting'? You are not some kind of problem to be discussed. It's so bizarre that they don't just accept what you have written to them, and increasingly bizarre that your difficult situation is made out to be causing problems for them.
I'll bet a tenner that DM's broken ankle turns out to be a minor sprain! Absolutely classic diverting attention-seeking neurotic behaviour.

OP, you won't want to hear this, but I'd want to see the X ray, and if that showed a broken ankle, I'd be looking for the sledgehammer.

She is playing you. Sorry, but she is.

Where’s your DF in all this?

I clicked YABU because I don’t think you will ever take the advice being offered here (and on the other thread). You are already making excuses for her and saying we are all wrong in what we are saying

The person I feel sorry for in this whole saga is your DH. This is your family, not his but he still needs to deal with all this drama which with every post is sounding more like a Jeremy Kyle episode

You are the only one that can do something about this and that is to go LC/NC. Do you think you can do that for your own well-being and that of your DH before it’s too late?

It doesn't matter about the positives

The negatives are awful and absolutely not normal. They wipe out any positives.

PLEASE listen to what is being said.
No normal mother would treat her pregnant daughter the way she treats you.
No normal mother would expect her daughter to come on holiday immediately after giving birth

She is vile and you need to not let her anywhere near your DC

@DWofMN I’d just get DH to put on the WhatsApp you’re not well and in hospital but expect to be out later.
I wouldn’t say it’s an appointment or how long it’s for, just be really vague and have DH write it so they can’t say anything directly to you as you’re unavailable.

It would be interesting to see if anyone responds as it didn’t seem they responded to you saying you had a high risk pregnancy and were unwell. Well I’d hope they’d say something but if they don’t, it might sink in that you do not have to please these people that don’t care /don’t care enough about you.

perhaps you should reply cheer up, unlike a high risk pregnancy no one or their baby is at serious risk from a broken ankle.
and it’s quite probably not broken. So a generic three word message ‘sorry to hear’ is the best response.

Also, if she is (supposedly) hopping around in a moonboot or wheelchair confined, that just means you can’t meet up. It doesn’t mean you are suddenly better and able to visit. As I just said above, it is not more dangerous than your pregnancy. You are still more important, she has three other children and you and the baby have only you and your dh looking after you so it’s a no brainer that you continue to look after you.
‘It’s such a shame im not well enough to come over, I hope you’re better soon’ rinse and repeat

I felt that the judgement on DM was quite harsh. I took your advice on writing a message with DH for him to send etc etc. But, in truth, I did think that your perspectives were off somewhat, because this is one snapshot of our relationship and I think our relationship has a lot of positives - which I obviously haven't conveyed very well

This is a classic abusive tactic because if the abuser was nasty all the time you wouldn’t go back for more.
Its almost like a cult

If you aren’t going to go NC then you need to go Grey Rock

Have a few stock phrases that you practice repeating each day so when a meeting is arranged you don’t try to move your own meetings to accommodate anyone. Stop wasting your energy and your life.

Say, “that doesn’t work for me” or when your mum is complaining that someone else bought the present she wanted to buy
”That’s a shame. There are lots of other things on the list”

There is nothing wrong in trying to help someone but if the person you are trying to help doesn’t appreciate it or won’t help themselves then you are wasting your time.

If you find yourself trying to fix something your mother has a problem with or pandering to her you do have to stop and take a step back.

You are going to be a mother yourself.
Putting your own needs and that of your child first is your priority and if Dh likes your mother so much then defer to him to fix things for her.

Let him be the barrier.

Is the reason you won’t go NC because your Dh likes her so much.

In reply to her saying she has broken her ankle
“I wondered what the drama was going to be”

Why would you be at a meeting to discuss what your plans are.
Isn’t it obvious what your plans are.
If you have to point that out that you are going to give birth around that time then they aren’t much of family.

You will have to watch what you say, learn a new way of answering as it sounds like it has become a part of your personality to try and fix things to make your mother happy.
Only no matter what you do it doesn’t work.

Someone mentioned flying monkeys.

Like the drama of the broken ankle (really, or is it a sprain) You will discover who the flying monkeys are.

Omg op just stop

i remember your other thread

you need to step back from this

So, I had to ask the relative to give that up so DM could do it.
You actually didn’t.

stop creating problems for yourself

you can do NC or LC
you can confront it
you can get on with it
or you can manage it and act dumb

oh no DM!! What a shame you couldn’t get that gift, oh well!

oh no DM you wanted to see the house so that’s where we are, never mind we see you soon xxx

oh no DM, I didn’t know you’d decided to change everyone’s summer holiday! No wonder they’re annoyed at you, oh well I’m sure the new plans will be lovely.

oh no dm i really can’t be sure until the baby is here, but I’ll be sure to tell you anything that I can confirm change of subject

all said with a smile. Deflect deflect but don’t give in.

Will you call your kids whores and slap them op? If not why not?

I tried to move the appointment earlier today
why

you need to start asking yourself why. Why do you need to do this
And why do you think you’ll get the outcome you need? Because you haven’t so far have you. Otherwise you wouldn’t keep chasing it.

it doesn’t matter what the snapshot is that you’re giving us op. Nothing positive she’s doing the rest of the time outweighs the things you’re telling us.

I spent 2 weeks in hospital and had 3 operations after breaking my ankle in January. I still can’t walk unaided. If she really has broken her ankle I doubt she would be at home or able to go on holiday in august! She is guilt tripping you, and trying to exert control over you.

This is the only response required. She has not once enquired after your health. Why would you ask after hers?

The best thing you could do op is to remove yourself from the group. I understand you’re not ready for that.

So sick of walking on eggshells but can't deal with the fall-out if I don't. Advice please!

In answer to your OP
Stop walking on eggshells.
Block on all means of communication, then you won't have any fallout to deal with. Buy a new SIM card and change your number if you have to.

But above all consider this:
If you want to continue with being abused then ignore the advice from this thread, continue trying to placate this awful woman and keep on making excuses for her, because it will never end.

Or:
Rip the plaster off and block all contact. The end.

You must understand that by now posters are becoming frustrated with your lack of ability to take in what they are saying and your excuses for keeping in contact. The expression "you have made your own bed and now lie in it" springs to mind.

So what is it to be?
How long is your husband going to put up with this before he walks away?

Broken ankle you say ? takes at least 6-8 weeks to heal, oh dear doesn't sound as though a holiday is on the cards for anyone now does it ? So no need for a meeting

It’s really hard @DWofMN to accept others views of your DM being plan nasty when you have been spending your whole life trying to placate her. Really hard.

Just try to step back a bit and put yourself first. In fact you are not putting yourself first by doing that but putting your baby first. Which is what most mothers do. Just not yours. She’s not putting you first. Or your baby.

Is your DH in the WhatsApp group? If not ask him to reply for you. Don’t try and dictate his reply. Let him reply. Basically you can’t make a meeting today as you have an appointment. There isn’t anything to say other than obviously you can’t do a holiday this year as it’s too close to your due date.

going forward read some of the books etc recommend on here. Start small but not jumping whenever she calls. As others said you didn’t need to do anything about the presents - there were other things she could have bought.

You don’t have to do anything drastic like go NC yet if you don’t feel you can but just start having a few boundaries. This meeting being the first one.

A few times on here I have seen women married to or in a relationship with someone who is really horrible to them in various ways and they say ‘but I love him’ even whilst admitting the bad stuff. They don’t really. They love the idea of the perfect relationship. The perfect man. You are a bit the same. You want the normal loving supportive relationship other people have with their mothers and family. But you can’t have that sadly. Your mother is incapable of that. And she has damaged your entire family. It’s not meant to be this hard. Your mother should be being supportive of your brother and his partner’s issues while still supporting you and your pregnancy. She should understand you can’t go on holiday at that time. It’s not deliberate. It’s just a fact of nature. She is wilfully choosing to make this as hard as possible.

Agree with @Peridot1 here - it’s not you it’s HER being weird and wilful and difficult and unkind. Hope you are doing ok today - don’t go to the meeting and try reading a few of the recommendations when you feel up to it

I have been where you have been @DWofMN , like your's mine can be absolutely lovely, as long as you agree with everything she says, do whatever it is she wants you to do or not do, when she wants you to do it.
I jumped every single time she asked me to, then one day I didn't, and then another time I didn't and I disagreed with her, she is still here, the world is still spinning and she still wants me to jump, but I choose when and how far now. It isn't perfect but it works for me.

What I would say, the first time is the hardest, (it feels alien and almost mean or unkind to say no, you start feeling guilty, try to think of ways to facilitate her demands, wonder if you should just say yes this time.) but you have done the groundwork now, you have said no, you need to stay strong because it will make each time going forward a lot easier.

@DWofMN I genuinely hope that you are able to move past this and gain some level of independence from your family.

Like quite a few others here I’ve found it distressing to read your posts and to hear of a pregnant woman with a high risk pregnancy be put through so much for very little reason.

I do think a lot of this is you being assertive and drawing up some boundaries.

Please let us know how you are

I hope your appointment goes well today @DWofMN.

Just to reiterate, you are allowed to put yourself and your children first; you are allowed to do things the way YOU want to do them; and most importantly, you are allowed to say “no” at anytime to your family.

She’s fine.

Next up will be the ‘flying monkeys’ who will try to get you to get back in line. I assume it’ll be your siblings.

why not give yourself a couple of weeks to read the books and have a think. ‘Lose’ your phone, DH texts the group. It’ll take you a while to get a new one, maybe it’ll have a few issues and you won’t see messages etc etc. stop being available.

or get ‘hacked’ so you have to delete whatapps. Wouldn’t that feel amazing! No WhatsApp !

yes cowardly but you need some space.

In a few weeks she'll deny ever claiming to have broken her ankle.

Broken her ankle? Really? She's been to A&E, had an x-ray, and diagnosed just since you emailed her? Really?

Doesn't sound likely, tbh.