to feel miffed after this date?

[Speckledhen2022]

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

This made me laugh. But agree with every word of it.

"Imagine thinking so very little of yourself that you don't even expect this level of effort from a man you've gone on a date with. And thinking it's normal."

Well this is what a combination of online dating/tindur and the availability of widespread free online (often violent) porn has done to a vast majority of young men now-a-days. Even the seemingly "nice" ones who appear on an initial basis to have things going for them (job, family experiences such as nice holidays etc).

They think online dating and porn means that women will literally sleep with them with barely more effort on their part than the words "Let's meet at the shopping centre".

I don't think OP is at fault here. I think this kind of experience is a lot more common than you'd think.

"you’d honestly think there was a dick shortage around here"

There is absolutely no dick shortage. The world is literally full of dickheads, the OP's date being one of them......

I don't think there can be any justification for being 20 mins late then having a 15 min walk round a shopping centre.
Maybe if you're 14 and had to climb out a window because your parents don't let you date yet ... but even then.

This.

How was the date even agreed?

Surely you said 'lets grab coffee' or 'get drinks sometime' or something?

No one goes 'hey, want to meet outside of a shopping center for a date' with no defined reason or goal.

Frankly a shopping center is a bizaare place to suggest have a first date, I mean are your hoping he would come help you pick out PJs in Primark? thats how odd it seems, why not plan you next date at the butchers or hairdressers.

If you wanted to go to one of the resteraunts near the shopping center then you arrange that, a basic 'yeah Im free this sat, do want to meet at franky and bennies at meadowfield park?' etc...

OP, your thread has made me laugh.

Could you please go on another date just to see where he takes you this time? A ride on a bus? A 20 min wander round Asda? A stroll down a dual carriageway?

I suggested meeting outside the shopping centre because I knew that there were lots of great cafes. I did not suggest going to a particular cafe because I did not know what his taste was. I thought we would meet and then pick a cafe together but he obviously has other ideas which is why he suggested the walk.

Similar, except I met a Swiss guy who did much the same in similar circumstances. An actual adult man who wasn't obsessed with assessing women on free dates walking them around shopping centres. It was like another world.

I'm beginning to wonder if its a British/American thing (although I know there are plenty of decent British men out there who would be horrified at this guy's carry on).

Well this guy wasn't British or American

@AchatAVendre well this guy was not British or American. I quoted the wrong post before.

Oh, how funny I immediately thought of Stratford too! Not Westfield, the Stratford Mall, even though OP said there were nice cafes etc 😶

Where was he from OP?

OP next time on setting up a date online suggest something specific and a timeframe - eg "let's grab a drink from one of the cafes or something. I'm afraid I will have to shoot off because I have [longstanding appointment] at x pm tho" or something like that.

I think putting a lid on the timeframe expectations is acceptable for a first date, the types of first dates which people recount where they meet and get on so incredibly well that they are still off in the sunset having adventures a week later only appear in Hollywood movies so not being easy going about how much time you have got is acceptable in my opinion for a first date.

I always tell my husband to wait for the green man when crossing the road.

What I mean is I couldn't face dating again. I'd get a cat instead.

Well maybe that's how first dates work in his Country. So he wouldn't see it as unusual.

From what you have said here it looks like you were the one to finish the date without going for food. You certainly give the impression that you weren't interested in having a meal with him. He probably felt deflated too. I think you are being really unreasonable and frankly I am surprised he contacted you again.

If it's from a dating app I'd imagine he's had another offer on the same night and was trying to fit you both in. Offering to walk you home was him seeing if you'd let him shag you. The only other explanation I can think of, as you say he's not British, is that something has got lost in translation as far as dating etiquette goes.

Well if you do go on a second date even having a cup of tea in the local greasy spoon will be an upgrade, and if you were to go for the all day breakfast or a sausage sandwich ( not a euphemism) you would be practically engaged!

He is Dutch

Reminds me is a date I had when I was fourteen, with a boy whose Dad ran a market stall in my town. We just walked round and round - barely talked - then went our separate ways. And it was raining. Never saw him again.

I wouldn't have gone for a walk round a shopping centre, or asked if he wanted to go for a drink or food.
Why? Because I wouldn't have been waiting for a bloke who was 20 minutes late, regardless of how often he text me.
Five minutes max then I'm gone.
He was being rude and discourteous just for that.

He's 27 and lives with his parents, he was sounding you out for a shag at your place as clearly he couldn't take you back to his.

A walk, a coffee etc and a chat is great for a first date. Being 20 mins late, suggesting a walk round the outside of a shopping centre, bragging about an expensive trip with ex AND a speculative attempt to get your address or an invite inside after just 20 mins is pushing his luck. Good on you, OP, for refusing a second date.

I finished a shit date of him being late and taking me walking around the outskirts of a shopping centre yes