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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed after this date?

299 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 09/06/2022 21:36

Testina · 09/06/2022 21:28

“This is what dating apps and tindur have done to the dating world. Made men think they literally have to do zero in order to get sex.”

But why would they think that, if it isn’t what is happening? And if it is what is happening - then surely women are choosing it?

Tinder is a shagging playground Testina, a place where you will find both men and women looking for a no strings shag and others looking for a relationship, Just be clear on your profile what is it you want. The problem is people who are not honest about what they're looking for (like the OP's guy). It's very important to ask someone before meeting them what is it they're looking for. Doesn't sound like the OP did that.

Testina · 09/06/2022 21:46

I have used Tinder, @Sandra1984 😀
And I agree that there’s plenty of scope for being upfront.
I just hesitate to say what a PP said - that it makes men not put the effort in for sex. Because if that’s true, then women and expecting it. (aware other gender mix relationships are available!)

Testina · 09/06/2022 21:47

*women aren’t expecting it

Sandra1984 · 09/06/2022 21:54

Testina · 09/06/2022 21:47

*women aren’t expecting it

Tinder is so deceiving testina, I once went on a date with a bloke who stated he was director of communications in a big media company to find myself with this rough looking guy covered in paint who then confessed he was a builder. People lie lie lie on tinder. That's why I stopped online dating.

MadKittenWoman · 09/06/2022 22:18

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 16:17

@loudsnoringcat oh how I wonder what he will treat me to! He would probably take me with him on his weekly shop to Aldi. 😁

Show quote history

Best laugh I’ve had in ages! What a knob. Glad you haven’t arranged another ‘date’ or this would be my 5th LTB of the evening. [Flowers].

StressedMumm1e · 09/06/2022 22:41

Where are his mum and dad going to be while you are watching a movie and he is cooking you dinner

Agapornis · 09/06/2022 22:46

@CamoTeaLaLa haha, yes definitely the old shopping centre rather than Westfield! Have you also been on a weird date there with S.C. Grin

Agapornis · 09/06/2022 23:03

I am Dutch and live in the UK, lol re the stereotypes mentioned above Grin
I assure you a date walking around a shopping centre wouldn't be considered normal in the Netherlands!

AchatAVendre · 09/06/2022 23:53

SurfBox · 09/06/2022 21:31

He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home

to all the people saying he wasn't interested, if this was so he'd not say that.

I don't think anyone's in doubt that he's interested. The problem is that he is showing all the signs of being interested in a quick shag and not in the normal features of even a brief casual relationship, which generally involve building up some rapport.

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 10/06/2022 20:17

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 18:18

What did you talk about as you were walking round? I'm sorry but you are going to have to be our sacrificial lamb and go on another date with this man.

Sorry for not updating sooner. Got super busy. We mostly talked about his luxury holiday with his ex gf after I asked him about travelling. No expenses spared on that one! We also chatted about his job. I told him a bit about my work and interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 10/06/2022 20:23

FOJN · 09/06/2022 18:27

I should have suggested getting drinks or food really. I got the feeling that if he wanted to get food or drink, he would have said 'let's go into this café' rather than saying let's go for a walk and starting to walk along. I was kind of surprised which is why I didn't say anything. I half expected him to suggest it after the walk but he didn't

What did you want? There were two of you on that date why would you only go for a drink or something to eat if HE wanted too? Why did you half expect him to suggest it after the walk? Would you have liked to go for a drink after the walk? I think you need to stop defaulting to men leading the date and make suggestions for the date you'd like to have?

He sounds either socially awkward or tight fisted. I'd say no thank you after such a shit first date. He may not have wanted to waste hours and
£££'s but honestly a coffee should not be considered an extravagance in terms of time or money on a first date and there should be no assumption that he would pay anyway.

@FOJN I wanted to go into one of the cafes. After the walk, I kind of expected him to suggest it. I wasn't too sure about going for a drink after the walk because I felt put out after that strange walk around a shopping centre and him being late. Frankly, I am thinking he is tight fisted and after a shag.

OP posts:
Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 10/06/2022 20:29

StressedMumm1e · 09/06/2022 22:41

Where are his mum and dad going to be while you are watching a movie and he is cooking you dinner

I also thought that. Not that I would ever see him again let alone go to his house. It would be weird and awkward if his parents were there and I was just some random girl that he had met on a dating app and brought home after only meeting once!

OP posts:
StressedMumm1e · 10/06/2022 20:51

Did you reply to his suggestion of Netflix and chill?

Sandra1984 · 10/06/2022 20:53

Speckledhen2022 · 10/06/2022 20:29

I also thought that. Not that I would ever see him again let alone go to his house. It would be weird and awkward if his parents were there and I was just some random girl that he had met on a dating app and brought home after only meeting once!

Show quote history

The whole thing is starting to look a bit serial killery now...

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 10/06/2022 20:56

StressedMumm1e · 10/06/2022 20:51

Did you reply to his suggestion of Netflix and chill?

I replied saying that I would not be interested in a dirty evening with him. He replied saying it isn't dirty and that if that was my attitude, I would be single forever 😯

He asked if there would be another meeting. I said 'No, there won't'.

He replied 'Bye lol' and then blocked me!

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 10/06/2022 21:09

@Speckledhen2022 I replied saying that I would not be interested in a dirty evening with him. He replied saying it isn't dirty and that if that was my attitude, I would be single forever.

Yes because going into very strange mens homes for sex is the best way to find a partner.

Your really dodged a bullet here OP...

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2022 21:16

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:09

I would have suggested getting food or drinks after the walk but I felt put out at that point after he took me walking around a shopping centre surrounded by gyms, a car park, and a building site, rather than going into a café. I was a bit annoyed by that and felt like leaving. I don't understand why he said 'let's go for a walk' as soon as we met rather than saying 'let's go into this cafe'

He suggested something you didn't want to do. You need to take responsibility for not saying "round here? Not much to see. Shall we grab a coffee?"

loudsnoringcat · 10/06/2022 21:48

Good I'm glad you put him straight about his disgusting expectation that you would be willing to traipse round to his house OP.

I think he'll find it's him that will be single - for life.

Also, quite aside from anything else, who spends a first 'date' telling you about a holiday with their ex?? That alone, is sad. Frankly, I wouldn't even believe him. Why the need to tell you that.

I bet he's a fantasist who has barely left his bedroom in his mind house for years.

The reason he didn't take you for dinner or drinks is because he was expecting, as you were walking around aimlessly, for you to suddenly suggest you wander over to your house. He had only one thing on his mind. That's why he asked what you were doing later that evening - he was shocked you hadn't dragged him home already! This is also why offered to 'walk you home.' What a creep.

AchatAVendre · 10/06/2022 22:41

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2022 21:16

He suggested something you didn't want to do. You need to take responsibility for not saying "round here? Not much to see. Shall we grab a coffee?"

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake. "Take responsibility" - why? A date is an opportunity to assess someone's potential romantically, not a responsibility to educate them!

Sandra1984 · 10/06/2022 22:48

SleepingStandingUp · 10/06/2022 21:16

He suggested something you didn't want to do. You need to take responsibility for not saying "round here? Not much to see. Shall we grab a coffee?"

Show quote history

I believe this is being harsh on the OP. I'm guessing this walk suggestion caught her by surprise. An online date is always an awkward situation so she just went with the flow. If a date suggests "going for a walk" I would assume the walk is going to end in a cafe or pub and would (like her) very possibly walk. It's when I find myself 10 minutes later parading around parking lots and bins that I would think "Ok, this is weird as hell, lets go for a coffee mate". Rightly so she was so turned of after the walk that she just wanted to go home.

Deereemer · 10/06/2022 23:25

Best thread I've read in ages.
Op hes a knob.well done on good boundaries!

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 11/06/2022 09:45

Deereemer · 10/06/2022 23:25

Best thread I've read in ages.
Op hes a knob.well done on good boundaries!

haha I'm glad you enjoyed it!

OP posts:
StressedMumm1e · 11/06/2022 09:50

bullet dodged 🤣

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 11/06/2022 09:52

loudsnoringcat · 10/06/2022 21:48

Good I'm glad you put him straight about his disgusting expectation that you would be willing to traipse round to his house OP.

I think he'll find it's him that will be single - for life.

Also, quite aside from anything else, who spends a first 'date' telling you about a holiday with their ex?? That alone, is sad. Frankly, I wouldn't even believe him. Why the need to tell you that.

I bet he's a fantasist who has barely left his bedroom in his mind house for years.

The reason he didn't take you for dinner or drinks is because he was expecting, as you were walking around aimlessly, for you to suddenly suggest you wander over to your house. He had only one thing on his mind. That's why he asked what you were doing later that evening - he was shocked you hadn't dragged him home already! This is also why offered to 'walk you home.' What a creep.

@loudsnoringcat It never even crossed my mind that he could be lying about the luxury holiday he took with his ex gf! I suppose it could have been a lie.

I thought it could have been more of a 'negging' technique to tell me how wonderfully he treated her but say I was only worth a walk around the shopping centre at first. Maybe I am overthinking it

OP posts:
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