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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed after this date?

299 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 13:53

"I agree. I think perhaps he was wise. If they'd got on like a house on fire, one or other of them would have said 'Hey, let's go for a coffee down by the river!' or 'Have you seen the new exhibition at the gallery? Fancy going?'
But it didn't happen."

But he still asked to see her again after the first date and we all know why. And that is why men who do this kind of thing are sad sacks.
If you cannot handle half an hour drinking coffee and having a chat with someone in a cafe and ASKING THEM QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES instead of droning on about a holiday with your ex girlfriend and saying you need to get home cause your mum wants to know where you are.... then you have some serious growing up to do.

No one is asking you to sit through a three course meal. And this kind of reluctance to even bother with a coffee is EXACTLY why OP went along with his suggestion of a walk I would guess, because we all know that if she suggested a cafe he might turn round and say "God no, I just need 5 mins to work out whether i want to shag you"
Romantic eh?

NewMum0305 · 09/06/2022 13:53

I went on a second date once to the cinema, and after the film, he said to me, he said: “Ok have a great night”, gave me a peck on the cheek and walked off. It was one of those cinemas that has a bar in it and there was a trendy food market literally airing the corner (which is where we went for our first date so he knew it was there!)

I literally stood there in which like “WTF is wrong with this guy?” for a few minutes after he left and was even more confused when he messaged for a follow up date.

Long story short, we’ve now been together for 7 years and married for 3 and I still love teasing him about that “date”.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 13:54

So he was actually later in total number of minutes than the number of minutes he spent with you! What a bloody loser.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 13:55

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 09/06/2022 12:45

Did you like him? Feel you want to get to know him better? If so, suggest coffee, or whatever. If not, say no thanks.

What is there to like about a man who thinks a walk through the loading bays is a good first date?

Idontgiveashitanymore · 09/06/2022 13:57

I would message him back telling him the truth, saying it was a shit date.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 13:57

I bet his mother is furious that you've turned him down for a second date!

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 14:01

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 13:57

I bet his mother is furious that you've turned him down for a second date!

Haha. I will update if he replies

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/06/2022 14:03

I think walks are the new coffees when it comes to initial first date to see if you want to go further.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 14:04

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/06/2022 14:03

I think walks are the new coffees when it comes to initial first date to see if you want to go further.

Yes that's a walk in the park, not a walk through the bloody loading bays!

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 14:06

What a strange thing to do. If he wanted to go for a walk, why not meet in a park or something? Very rude of him to not buy you at least a coffee - if not dinner. Peculiar.

TokyoTen · 09/06/2022 14:06

I think YABU why not ask him if he fancied a drink or something to eat together? To complain he didn't ask you, when you could have suggested it seems a bit strange to me.

JellyMonger · 09/06/2022 14:07

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/06/2022 12:12

It seems like he mistook you for a Labrador. If he asked for the date then he needs to organise something, if he doesn't then don't go or just leave when it becomes apparent.

Grin
Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 14:08

HollowTalk · 09/06/2022 14:04

Yes that's a walk in the park, not a walk through the bloody loading bays!

Show quote history

Haha it wasn't just a walk around loading bays, it was a walk past all of the nice cafes, past teenagers who sit around of the steps starting fights with each other and both passers-by , past a car park, a budget gym, a building site and some apartment buildings. So I got a real treat!

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/06/2022 14:09

@HollowTalk loading bays?!

I've had a few dates in the past and most of them it's been coffee first, or maybe drinks, and then if we click, onto something else.

I've rarely had someone offer to buy me dinner on a first date.

One guy I knew who was very well off (trust fund kid) one of our first dates with Pizza Express but then we went to nice restaurants afterwards and one of the first few dates was Tate Modern. But I didn't really fancy him so...

CruCru · 09/06/2022 14:09

Triselly · 09/06/2022 13:10

Go on dates with guys who are enthusiastic enough to want to impress you OP. You can do waaaaaay better!

I agree.

I suspect that he thought he might have another offer which didn’t materialise - at which point he asked for a second date.

The thing is, can you imagine treating a new friend like this? Being 20 minutes late, trudging round then going off after 15 minutes?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/06/2022 14:10

OP - see for me - if you'd had coffee and a walk and even not dinner if he'd texted you to ask you out (and also hadn't been late) then I would've given him a second chance, had I liked him.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 09/06/2022 14:11

BorderlineHappy · 09/06/2022 11:54

I'd give him another chance.
You where both at fault.

Just make a definite plan for food this time.

I agree, but only if you’re at all interested in him.

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 14:12

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/06/2022 14:10

OP - see for me - if you'd had coffee and a walk and even not dinner if he'd texted you to ask you out (and also hadn't been late) then I would've given him a second chance, had I liked him.

I agree with you. If we had had a coffee/cake/coca cola and then walked around a nice park of scenic area or fed the ducks with some chatting,I would have been happy with that and seen him again

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 09/06/2022 14:13

Ohmybod · 09/06/2022 13:31

Well I got to the bit where you wrote “I assumed…” and there’s your answer. YABU because you decided how the date was going to go IN YOUR HEAD and didn’t share this with your date. He was equally vague about the plans and so you both wandered aimlessly. Be more assertive and confirm the plan up front.

Honestly the gaslighting. It's common knowledge that a "date" is spending time at a pleasant activity, usually involving food or drink.

If someone asked me for a date and asked to meet in front of some cafes , yes I'd assume we were going into a cafe. Because I'm normal.

If he instead walked me around a building site and then wrapped up with "What are you doing tonight"? (An obvious brush-off)There is absolutely no way I'd come back with, "Can't we get a coffee together?" I'd feel way too pathetic.

I think anyone normal would do the same as the OP! People here are just arguing for the sake of arguing.

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 14:18

Idontgiveashitanymore · 09/06/2022 13:57

I would message him back telling him the truth, saying it was a shit date.

@Idontgiveashitanymore I am inclined to do this if he replies

OP posts:
Agapornis · 09/06/2022 14:19

I feel I've been on a couple of dates with this persistently late and lazy guy... You're not in Stratford/East London by any chance?
He signed me up for a makeover photoshoot without telling me Grin the person unexpectedly calling me to book it and I had a good laugh about it. There was no third date!

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 14:30

Agapornis · 09/06/2022 14:19

I feel I've been on a couple of dates with this persistently late and lazy guy... You're not in Stratford/East London by any chance?
He signed me up for a makeover photoshoot without telling me Grin the person unexpectedly calling me to book it and I had a good laugh about it. There was no third date!

No, I don't live in that area. The photoshoot thing is awful!!

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 14:31

"I think walks are the new coffees when it comes to initial first date to see if you want to go further."

In which case suggest somewhere scenic - a park? a beauty spot? somewhere, anywhere which is not a shopping centre or an industrial estate??

tiedyetie · 09/06/2022 14:33

Man who leaves me miffed and deflated asks to see me again: what shall I say?

*

😂

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 14:33

@Coffeetree

People disagreeing with your opinion of what's 'normal' isn't gaslighting. Lots of people quite like walking dates, and whilst many would agree that this particular walk wasn't that appealing, that doesn't make them 'normal', 'right', or those who disagree with them 'not normal' or 'wrong'.

If my partner and I went for a walk round in the same area on our first date, we would have ended up somewhere else, because we bounce off each other's positive energy. That didn't happen for OP and her date, and that's fine. Nobody has to be 'abnormal' for that to happen; they just didn't gel.