to feel miffed after this date?

[Speckledhen2022]

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

Loooooool at the idea of him 'feeling deflated' after his whistle-stop tour of the loading bay failed to tempt OP into suggesting going for a drink.

🤣🤣🤣

Dutch = very tight with money, stereotype but true from experience.

@Yolojo I have heard that stereotype and to be honest that crossed my mind. But then he splashed the cash on an expensive trip with his ex gf, so clearly he can spend money when he wants to.

If you play your cards right he might take you up the Aisle of Shite in Lidl.

"You certainly give the impression that you weren't interested in having a meal with him"

I genuinely cannot see anything the OP has said which implies that she was not interested in having a meal with him. To the contrary when they arrived back at the original meeting up point and stood there speaking for 5 mins the OP said she waited for him to suggest going to a cafe for drink/food and he did not.

And even if, at that point, she had given out vibes that she did not then want to go for something to eat/drink , it would be because for the previous 10 mins he had treated her to a circuit of the lorry loading bays behind the shops!!

@loudsnoringcat oh how I wonder what he will treat me to! He would probably take me with him on his weekly shop to Aldi. 😁

😂😂😂😂

TBH I think some the people defending him just have incredibly low standards. People telling her she should have suggested a place...I mean, really? As if that's what the issue is here? People saying that it isn't obvious that meeting at a shopping centre with loads of cafes and restaurants would mean having a coffee or a beer?

Red flag 1 - He showed up late - rude/bad manners
Red flag 2 - He wasn't apologetic about being late - even more rude
Red flag 3 - He told her, rather than asked her, what they were doing, and didn't ask her if she was OK with it - controlling/bossy/selfish
Red flag 4 - Taking her for a random walk with no thought to how threatened she could feel- low empathy
Red flag 5 - Didn't ask her if she'd like a coffee/to do something else - No initiative
Red flag 6 - Asked if he could walk her home and hence see where she lives - a blatant attempt at the easiest shag ever, with again no thought to her safety or feelings - low empathy/oblivious

And we have a bunch of women falling over themselves to blame OP, as if anything she could have done differently would have changed the fact that this man is an absolute tool.

The Dutch are also very direct and very pragmatic, not the most romantic. This might mean he wouldn't read between the lines and just expect you to suggest a meal if you wanted one. It also could mean that he didn't want to spend any money if he didn't think he'd get a shag from you before his other date later in the evening (possibly).

@pixie5121 I couldn't agree more with you

"He is Dutch."

Never dated a Dutch man, but I somehow doubt this is the norm over there.

Cant believe the people saying it was the OP's fault for not suggesting they go to a restaurant!! Like any guy needs that spelling out to him. What planet are some people on, seriously? Might as well date the lamp post.

"And we have a bunch of women falling over themselves to blame OP"

its probably actually a bunch of male posters who are doing this - why assume that the people posting these types of comments are women?

It certainly isn't the norm over here. Lots of my friends are asked to bars and restaurants as a first date.

He has just replied to the message I sent earlier seeming confused about why I am not interested in a second date. I asked him out of curiosity, what a second date would entail, and he said I could come over to his to watch a movie and he would cook for me.

Absolutely. Clearly a country with a lot of shopping centres and car parks though

He now invites you to his house (where he lives with his parents ??) to watch a movie and he will cook dinner for you ... surely that is a code for 'come back to mine for sex' or am I being cynical? .

No, that's what it is.

Welcome to entitled men.

Is he a bit socially awkward OP? The telling you about his ex and the expensive holiday is a bit crass too on top of everything else.

I'm wondering whether you would eat this dinner at the family dining table or in his room tbh.

He is a bit awkward tbh. I know! Like her would treat her to a fancy holiday and wouldn't even want to go into a café with me. Charming.

"he said I could come over to his to watch a movie and he would cook for me"

unbelievable!

I would reply something like "I prefer to date someone who asks my thoughts on what we will do on a date and is interested to know what I would enjoy doing. And so I will have to decline."

In my experience, Dutch people are direct and like people to be direct with them. You said meet at the shopping centre and therefore you met at the shopping centre. If you wanted to get something to eat you should have said so.

So if they'd met at a train station, he'd have expected to walk around the train station? Or just stand there looking at each other?

Meeting places are literally that - a place where you can easily find each other. It's far less awkward than arranging to meet at a venue and then having to scour the place for a stranger who may or may not resemble their photos. It's also much safer - you can bugger off much more easily somewhere like a shopping centre if you realise the person isn't who they said they were.

It's fairly basic common sense that if you meet somewhere like a shopping centre, station or statue, you don't expect to just hang out at that place. I've lived and dated all over the world and have never had an issue with this.

What did you talk about as you were walking round? I'm sorry but you are going to have to be our sacrificial lamb and go on another date with this man.

I should have suggested getting drinks or food really. I got the feeling that if he wanted to get food or drink, he would have said 'let's go into this café' rather than saying let's go for a walk and starting to walk along. I was kind of surprised which is why I didn't say anything. I half expected him to suggest it after the walk but he didn't

What did you want? There were two of you on that date why would you only go for a drink or something to eat if HE wanted too? Why did you half expect him to suggest it after the walk? Would you have liked to go for a drink after the walk? I think you need to stop defaulting to men leading the date and make suggestions for the date you'd like to have?

He sounds either socially awkward or tight fisted. I'd say no thank you after such a shit first date. He may not have wanted to waste hours and
£££'s but honestly a coffee should not be considered an extravagance in terms of time or money on a first date and there should be no assumption that he would pay anyway.