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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed after this date?

299 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

OP posts:
PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 09/06/2022 18:27

So you suggested 'outside the shopping centre' as the date location?

He's likely having the same chat about you "this woman made me meet her outside a shopping centre and then we walked around it, was that a shit date?"

Sandra1984 · 09/06/2022 18:30

He called you on a second “date” to his home to watch a movie? That’s called “Netflix and chill” (aka a no strings shag). Mystery solved. He just wants a shag and he’s not even invested in making the effort to wine and dine you nor he wants to get to know you before. Do ladies fall for this shyte really?

BadNomad · 09/06/2022 18:46

pixie5121 · 09/06/2022 18:12

So if they'd met at a train station, he'd have expected to walk around the train station? Or just stand there looking at each other?

Meeting places are literally that - a place where you can easily find each other. It's far less awkward than arranging to meet at a venue and then having to scour the place for a stranger who may or may not resemble their photos. It's also much safer - you can bugger off much more easily somewhere like a shopping centre if you realise the person isn't who they said they were.

It's fairly basic common sense that if you meet somewhere like a shopping centre, station or statue, you don't expect to just hang out at that place. I've lived and dated all over the world and have never had an issue with this.

Show quote history

The OP has a mouth. She is quite able to speak. She was able to say where to meet. Why didn't she say at any stage, before or during, "Will we go for a drink or something to eat?" Instead, she said nothing, just went for a walk with him when he suggested it. Is he supposed to assume she hasn't got a mind and the ability to speak for herself?

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 19:05

BadNomad - can I ask why you would make excuses for this weirdo?

The OP shouldn't have even had to suggest meeting in a shopping centre fgs! When he asked her for a date, he should have asked her out for a drink, or dinner or asked her what she would like to do at that point. Taken initiative in other words.

Now, to see her again, he can't even be bothered to leave his house (aka parents house) and wants her to traipse round to him. Wtf!

Call me old-fashioned and yes, I am 48, but men never asked you to go to their houses in the 90s! Not until you you knew them well. Nor did they take you on aimless walks by bins! Nor did they take you in dates without so much as as a coffee or cocktail.

This man brings a whole new meaning to "Going Dutch." I would just block him OP. He sounds creepy.

IncompleteSenten · 09/06/2022 19:10

He wants a shag.
Told you so. 😁

Tries to get you to invite him to yours after a 15 minute walk. Next suggests go round to his and watch TV.
He's not even subtle. 🤣

BadNomad · 09/06/2022 19:13

@loudsnoringcat because I'm not narrow-minded, old-fashioned or expect men to please me. Why should women have to wait for men to give them what they want? If you want something, open your bloody mouth. Don't just go along with it then complain afterwards.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 19:14

It's interesting that, on this thread, suggesting that OP, a woman, could speak for herself, seems to be 'OP-bashing', and being an apologist for shit men.

It's really just suggesting that she has some agency, and no attack on her or comment on his behaviour.

There's a lot of conflating and judgment going on.

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 19:25

"Call me old-fashioned and yes, I am 48, but men never asked you to go to their houses in the 90s! Not until you you knew them well. Nor did they take you on aimless walks by bins! Nor did they take you in dates without so much as as a coffee or cocktail."

This is what dating apps and tindur have done to the dating world. Made men think they literally have to do zero in order to get sex.

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 19:27

BadNomad - of course she is capable of telling him she'd like to go for lunch. That's a given. The point is, she shouldn't have to. Obviously.

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 19:28

"I'm sorry but you are going to have to be our sacrificial lamb and go on another date with this man."

No you aren't. You have done more than enough by providing us with an interesting thread and educating some people who do not know how the modern world of dating now works, how little effort men now feel they have to make.

I would decline him as sarcastically as possible.

ChristmasFluff · 09/06/2022 19:42

I'm not into teaching a stranger how to make me happy. I look for someone who suits me as they are.

I want a man who actively takes the initiative and has a bit of something about him. Not some passive boring odd-bod with poor time-keeping who isn't willing to put any effort in.

Looks like OP is the same - nothing wrong with that.

And it leaves all the passive boring odd-bods (with poor time-keeping who aren't willing to put any effort in) for those who want to have a fixer-upper.

But be warned - like fixer-upper houses, they eat up your time and money, and the return on your investment is far from a given.

And yes, I am in my 50s. Looking back, the boys I dated at 14 had more about them than this bloke. They'd have been the joke of the school if they'd taken a girl on a date like that.

I'm sad for young women of today if this is seen as in any way acceptable.

ancientgran · 09/06/2022 19:47

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 19:27

BadNomad - of course she is capable of telling him she'd like to go for lunch. That's a given. The point is, she shouldn't have to. Obviously.

Why shouldn't she? Because she's a woman? I never realised that being a woman meant I couldn't actually suggest something I'd like to do.

Bloody hell all that fighting for equality in the 70s was a waste of time wasn't it. We've gone back to the 50s.

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 20:03

"Bloody hell all that fighting for equality in the 70s was a waste of time wasn't it. We've gone back to the 50s"

Except unless I am mistaken the fight for equality in the 70s was not a fight to ensure that men's expectations were that they need do no more than turn up somewhere agreed and expect your date to agree to sex within 15 minutes of the "date", fail at that, but notwithstanding that failure, have another pop at trying to get that 4 days later in the most shameless and way and this attitude of men is now the absolute norm for almost all online/app dating, one of the main ways of meeting new people supposedly for romantic connections in 2022...

What a victory for equality that was!

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 20:22

@bubblesbubbles11

You're just making stuff up.

Dating, for both parties, is an agreement to meet up and find out if you're compatible. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no obligation to 'treat your date to a meal' or 'buy your date a coffee'. There's no set activity you're supposed to take part in.

OP and this guy were not compatible. It could be that he didn't fancy her. It could be that he was utterly hopeless. It could be that he has some kind of condition. It could be that he did really like her and fully messed up the whole thing because he was hideously nervous. We simply don't know. But it didn't work out and that's fine. But assigning an 'All I want is sex' attitude to him, and saying he's the same as almost all men online dating... well, as I said, you're just making stuff up.

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 20:24

"We've gone back to the 50s."

Oh that old chestnut.

No. I think (I hope)! young women today still have standards. That they can own what they want and have the confidence not to compromise or settle. I bloody hope so, as I have 2 teen girls!

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 20:30

Watchkeys

"There's no obligation to 'treat your date to a meal' or 'buy your date a coffee'. There's no set activity you're supposed to take part in."

Literally at no point whatsoever on this thread did I say anything like the above. I am simply saying that it is exceptionally common for men on dating apps in 2022 to literally expect to get sex or a guarantee of sex within minutes of meeting their date and with not even a semblance of an attempt at finding out what the person they have met is like or enjoys. What OP describes sounds like he is an "oddball" but, as many many men do this, he probably is not that odd. I know this from the numerous anecdotes I have heard from various of my friends and family members down the last decade or so describing something which is not unlike the OP.
I am not making anything up.

ancientgran · 09/06/2022 20:35

loudsnoringcat · 09/06/2022 20:24

"We've gone back to the 50s."

Oh that old chestnut.

No. I think (I hope)! young women today still have standards. That they can own what they want and have the confidence not to compromise or settle. I bloody hope so, as I have 2 teen girls!

Well hopefully if they want to have a coffee/meal/glass of wine they are able to say so and don't feel they have to wait for a man to read their minds and make them feel special.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 20:35

@bubblesbubbles11

they need do no more than turn up somewhere agreed and expect your date to agree to sex within 15 minutes of the "date", fail at that, but notwithstanding that failure, have another pop at trying to get that 4 days later in the most shameless and way

This is made up. It's one of many, many possible and probably interpretations of what happened. He never mentioned sex. He didn't show any signs of wanting sex with OP. He didn't try to get her to agree with or to anything. He didn't mention that or anything similar when he contacted OP a few days later.

You are making stuff up.

DonnyBurrito · 09/06/2022 20:36

From your updates, it sounds like this 'boring passive odd-bod' (great description from a pp) wants the girlfriend experience, without any of the actual intial work of actually making you his girlfriend.

If he was with his ex for a long time, that is easily done to be fair. I actually doubt he's really over her, as he already happily talked about her very soon after meeting you with no self awareness that it wasn't appropriate. Plus, going on a fancy holiday isn't really travelling... If that was the extent of his 'travelling' he should have answered "Not really travelled much, been on a few holidays though" and even then he didn't NEED to mention his ex.

Not that you need another reason to not give him another chance!

Thedogscollar · 09/06/2022 20:38

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 11:42

I feel like sending a message saying either that the date was shit or just saying no thank you

Say both. Let him know how you feel. Don't sit on the fence.

ancientgran · 09/06/2022 20:39

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 20:03

"Bloody hell all that fighting for equality in the 70s was a waste of time wasn't it. We've gone back to the 50s"

Except unless I am mistaken the fight for equality in the 70s was not a fight to ensure that men's expectations were that they need do no more than turn up somewhere agreed and expect your date to agree to sex within 15 minutes of the "date", fail at that, but notwithstanding that failure, have another pop at trying to get that 4 days later in the most shameless and way and this attitude of men is now the absolute norm for almost all online/app dating, one of the main ways of meeting new people supposedly for romantic connections in 2022...

What a victory for equality that was!

Well it sure as hell wasn't that women couldn't suggest going for a drink but had to wait for a man to do it.

I bet if he hadn't offered to walk her home there would be plenty saying what a swine he was, no manners, obviously a gentleman would walk a woman home.

You seem to be the one going on about them having sex, did I miss where the OP said he suggested that or was it all in your mind?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/06/2022 20:49

I would have assumed he was nervous because the date only lasted 15 minutes

But you did nothing wrong OP Flowers

Sandra1984 · 09/06/2022 21:21

I've been doing the online dating thing for maybe 10 years and met a lot of guys, some became long time boyfriends, others short lived relationships and others a quick shag. I was young, had my share of fun, learned a lot (mostly about myself) and I'me very glad I got to experience it. I'm in my late 40's now and haven't done online dating for 3 years which is fine by me as I'm not willing to put the energy and would rather met men in a more organic way (real life).

From experience I can tell you guy is your typical Tinder shagger: not willing to invest and wanting to go straight away to her/his house. There's nothing wrong in wanting a no strings shag, problem is a lot of guys won't make it clear in their profiles which leads to the OP type of scenario.

There's plenty of women on Tinder looking for a quick no strings shag so it's not like him being honest on his profile will stop this guy from getting laid. He should have been honest from the start and told the OP he was looking for a shag instead of deceiving her into a "fake dating scenario".

Testina · 09/06/2022 21:28

“This is what dating apps and tindur have done to the dating world. Made men think they literally have to do zero in order to get sex.”

But why would they think that, if it isn’t what is happening? And if it is what is happening - then surely women are choosing it?

SurfBox · 09/06/2022 21:31

He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home

to all the people saying he wasn't interested, if this was so he'd not say that.