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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed after this date?

299 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

OP posts:
skybluee · 09/06/2022 12:45

I'd actually really like this.

starfishmummy · 09/06/2022 12:46

Sounds like he might have been a bit shy? If youblike him enough then why not meet for a coffee somewhere nice?

BingeBitch · 09/06/2022 12:47

Sorry OP but this did make me laugh. What a weird ‘date’ 15 min walk around the outside of the shopping centre then 4 days later texts asking to see you again? 😂He clearly thought he’d given you a real treat. Maybe he just thinks he’s so amazing that he doesn’t need to try? He is a gift apparently 🤣

Sleepytimebear · 09/06/2022 12:47

Testina · 09/06/2022 12:28

Don’t try to suggest my standards are low 🤣
My standards include only dating people who are prepared to put effort in too.
This guy did almost fuck all.
OP did the square root of almost fuck all!
I’m not saying she should date him - but I’d also be saying to him, don’t date her. Like you say, it’s about matching your expectations for the future. I wouldn’t want to date someone who was passively “taken for a walk” and didn’t say what they wanted to do.

But he does want to date her! He asked her out again! So he obviously thinks he did enough to keep her interested!

We don't know the discussions they had pre-date about plans but the OP said he stated "let's go for a walk". So he took the lead on the "first" suggestion. Even if we are generous and say the couple should take it in turns to suggest activities, his suggestion was so poor wouldn't' count it. I would just be bemused at the whole thing and walk off, assuming the date was no good and we wouldn't see each other again. I definitely wouldn't be flogging a dead horse trying to tempt him out for a coffee! He clearly thought he did enough that she would want to see him again - that's worrying.

Ineedaduvetday · 09/06/2022 12:47

So he's late, tight and only after a shag. Dodged a bullet there OP!

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:48

BingeBitch · 09/06/2022 12:47

Sorry OP but this did make me laugh. What a weird ‘date’ 15 min walk around the outside of the shopping centre then 4 days later texts asking to see you again? 😂He clearly thought he’d given you a real treat. Maybe he just thinks he’s so amazing that he doesn’t need to try? He is a gift apparently 🤣

lol😁 maybe he did think he had really treated me to a lovely romantic date walking around a shopping centre after being 20 mins late

OP posts:
EmJay19 · 09/06/2022 12:50

Maybe he was skint

HenBob · 09/06/2022 12:53

YANBU but learn from this and take some control. You don't want to be a passenger on a first date, you'll end up being a passenger for the whole relationship. Good job ditching that weirdo, but don't stand for that sort of crap again.

skybluee · 09/06/2022 12:54

I mean is a walk really worse than an over-priced coffee somewhere packed full of grumpy shoppers? I'd much rather be outside, although the scenery doesn't sound ideal, it's better than the scenery inside Costa Coffee. I don't think being sat across a plastic table with a cup of hot drink really makes it much better... shame you couldn't have gone to feed some ducks or something.

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:55

EmJay19 · 09/06/2022 12:50

Maybe he was skint

Well whilst on the walk I asked him if he liked travelling and see said he did and proceeded to tell me about a holiday (which I know would have cost a lot of money because I have been to that country twice, and I know the costs of the flights and visa) that he took with his ex gf. So clearly not too short of cash

OP posts:
Testina · 09/06/2022 12:55

I’m didn’t say he wasn’t interested. I said I wouldn’t be, and I’d telling him not to be 🤣

You say you’d have cut him loose at the walk suggesting - I’m not sure I’d even have been there given the 20 minute lateness. I’m not totally hardline on that - someone calling sound genuinely sorry with a good reason, I’d probably wait. Just a text telling me a new time - I’d likely not wait.

But now with the dripfeed about being 20 minute late, I’m even more convinced OP is too passive - taking to MN for advice when she didn’t like the date and he was late!

skybluee · 09/06/2022 12:55

I once had a date take me to Morrison's supermarket cafe. That really was a SHIT date.

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:56

skybluee · 09/06/2022 12:54

I mean is a walk really worse than an over-priced coffee somewhere packed full of grumpy shoppers? I'd much rather be outside, although the scenery doesn't sound ideal, it's better than the scenery inside Costa Coffee. I don't think being sat across a plastic table with a cup of hot drink really makes it much better... shame you couldn't have gone to feed some ducks or something.

I would have loved feeding the ducks! Going for coffee and cake and then feeding the ducks would have been ideal for me

OP posts:
FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 09/06/2022 12:56

You waited for him for longer than your actual date was? You're right not to want to see him again!

Attractinglife · 09/06/2022 12:58

I am astonished that when a man organises an epically shit date like this, turns up 20 mins late, walks around a shopping centre (his suggestion) for ten minutes, that there are posters seeking to blame OP for the shit date. No. The shit date is firmly on the man here. The date 'activity' idea was on him. The 20 mins late was on him.

Femalewoman · 09/06/2022 12:58

It's a walk and chat date.

Unfortunately there are many women who assume the man will always pay for a drink/dinner/movie etc (a couple of my friends did this lots) and maybe some men got wise to always paying. Perhaps they now do the walk and chat date to see if any attraction/interest first to save shelling out what sometimes is a considerable amount for a date with a user.

@Speckledhen2022 could have suggested a drink and either gone 50/50 or if she particularly wanted to sit and eat offered to pay....2022 doesn't always mean fairness for the man on the date financially

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 13:00

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if you have already explained this.
How did you meet him before the date was set up? Did you know him before this date (say beyond just being an acquaintent/met online)?
Depending on your answer I would guess at one or more of:


  • very young and immature

  • very inexperienced at dates

  • was literally just hoping for sex (but still very inexperienced etc) and so was testing the waters in the bizarre hope you might say "lets go somewhere and get it on right now" or "lets meet up tonight and set the world on fire in bed" hahaha

  • completely broke financially so reluctant to spend money on food etc

  • lives with his mum who had cooked his dinner and he was thinking about that during the date

  • hates "shopping" in a typical bloke kinda way so reluctant to spend more time than absolutely necessary near shops hahahaha

But seriously OP sounds like you had a lucky escape!

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 13:01

roughly how old was this date OP?

Nougat53 · 09/06/2022 13:02

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:09

I would have suggested getting food or drinks after the walk but I felt put out at that point after he took me walking around a shopping centre surrounded by gyms, a car park, and a building site, rather than going into a café. I was a bit annoyed by that and felt like leaving. I don't understand why he said 'let's go for a walk' as soon as we met rather than saying 'let's go into this cafe'

If you have expectations about what a date should be (i.e. going into a cafe/ restaurant rather than walking) then you should probably suggest this before you meet. Otherwise you might not be on the same page.

Sleepytimebear · 09/06/2022 13:02

Yea I see what you're saying I just feel I'm not passive at all, very keen to be involved in planning or suggesting activities, but in this specific example I would have been so baffled by his approach to the date I would have cut my losses and walked away. I don't think that means I'm passive, it just means I wasn't going to waste my time on him. But yes, I wouldn't then ask advice about what to do, that's fair.

pattish · 09/06/2022 13:03

Yes, you are right to be miffed! If he had anything about him he would have suggested getting a coffee at least.

My now DP sent me three options for drinks before our first date - a, b and c (we were meeting in a city I don’t know well) and also suggested somewhere for dinner but said let’s play it by ear. I chose option a and it was perfect. We went to dinner and he arranged an Uber for me home too. One of the things I liked about him was that he was decisive but left the ultimate choice up to me.

He’s a keeper😊

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 13:05

pattish · 09/06/2022 13:03

Yes, you are right to be miffed! If he had anything about him he would have suggested getting a coffee at least.

My now DP sent me three options for drinks before our first date - a, b and c (we were meeting in a city I don’t know well) and also suggested somewhere for dinner but said let’s play it by ear. I chose option a and it was perfect. We went to dinner and he arranged an Uber for me home too. One of the things I liked about him was that he was decisive but left the ultimate choice up to me.

He’s a keeper😊

Your partner sounds lovely. what a nice date!

OP posts:
Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 13:06

bubblesbubbles11 · 09/06/2022 13:01

roughly how old was this date OP?

He is 27

OP posts:
onelittlefrog · 09/06/2022 13:06

He isn't a mindreader, OP. That date wouldn't be to my taste either but you can't assume everyone wants to do the same things that you want to do on a date.

If you wanted to do something specific like go to a cafe then you should probably have said that.

luxxlisbon · 09/06/2022 13:06

I dunno why it’s only on men to plan dates in the early days. At least he suggested the walk, you told him you didn’t want to see him again because he didn’t suggest going for food or a drink but neither did you! The entire exchange is weird on both parts.