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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel miffed after this date?

299 replies

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 10:57

Hi,

I recently went on a date with a guy who I met on a dating app. We arranged to meet outside a shopping centre. Next to the shopping centre is a row of great restaurants and cafes. I assumed that for the date we would into one of those and have a drink or something to eat. When I met him outside the shopping centre, he said hello then said 'let's go for a walk'. I was a bit surprised, but I started walking along with him. The shopping centre was surrounded by an area which isn't really scenic so there was nothing good to look at on the walk. We walked around the outskirts of the shopping centre for around 10 minutes whilst talking. We got back to where we started and by that point I thought 'well this is strange'. It isn't like a normal date. We stood there talking for another 5 mins and he asked me about my evening plans and I said just cooking my dinner probably. He said 'oh ok same'. He then asked if I wanted him to walk me home and I said 'No thanks' because I did not want him knowing my address. He said 'I will go home for something to eat. I am a bit hungry'. I said 'ok bye'.

Maybe I am being daft, but I just feel kind of miffed and flat after that date. I just went home feeling really deflated. AIBU to feel miffed and deflated after that date?

OP posts:
Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:10

@Sleepytimebear those are my thoughts too

OP posts:
DeclineandFall · 09/06/2022 12:10

I think the 10 minute walk was to see if he wanted to shag you. Then he offered to walk you home so he probably did. Presumably he thought he was irresistible so he's giving you another chance. Ick.

topshotta · 09/06/2022 12:11

DeclineandFall · 09/06/2022 12:10

I think the 10 minute walk was to see if he wanted to shag you. Then he offered to walk you home so he probably did. Presumably he thought he was irresistible so he's giving you another chance. Ick.

This is so true i didnt think of this but i think it's probably what happened tbh

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/06/2022 12:12

It seems like he mistook you for a Labrador. If he asked for the date then he needs to organise something, if he doesn't then don't go or just leave when it becomes apparent.

Antarcticant · 09/06/2022 12:13

Sounds like the sort of 'date' you might have as a 12 year old with the boy who sits next to you in Geography.

Testina · 09/06/2022 12:13

Sleepytimebear · 09/06/2022 12:06

@Testina yes, you suggesting she is equally responsible for the bad date. Anyone who thinks a 15 minute walk around a shopping centre qualifies as an activity of any kind, let alone a date activity, is not worth my time. You are letting him off the hook massively here. Basically he suggested something so unbelievably shit I wouldn't have even bothered leaving the house for it and that OP should have then saved the date by suggesting food/coffee whatever. I mean I would have turned around, left, and blocked him immediately after this poor show.

I’m not letting him off the hook at all!
I think it was shit (though as I said: I’m pre-Covid walking date era so maybe it’s not quite as shit as we think!). But at least he suggested something, unlike OP who just mooched along like she didn’t have a tongue in her head. It’s not saving the date for him to say, “actually I’m glad to see the back of Covid walking dates - let’s go wild and get a coffee indoors!” - that’s not saving anything, it’s just expressing your preference.

Poptart4 · 09/06/2022 12:14

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/06/2022 11:45

He didn't want to spend any money, so ignored all the obvious places to go and took you off on a hike around a shopping centre. I expect he was also hoping by walking you home you would invite him and provide food/drinks for free. Same idea with him asking what are you doing this evening, fishing for an invite where no money would be spent by him.

I agree with this.

He was probably also hoping after you invited him in for drink/food it would lead to sex.

Regardless I'd refuse a second date as he made absolutely no effort on the first date. and I'd probably tell him that too.

shinynewapple22 · 09/06/2022 12:16

I think at the point where he asked your evening plans and you both had the conversation about going home to get something to eat - at the point where he said he was hungry I would have suggested we both went into one of the cafes/ restaurants to get some food together.

You certainly aren't unreasonable about thinking it was an odd date, but I think you could have been a bit more proactive .

shinynewapple22 · 09/06/2022 12:21

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:04

In my opinion, the point of the walking date was to size me up and see if he fancied me but without spending any money. I have replied to him saying 'I am not interested in seeing you again'.

Fair enough . But next time you have a date i think you ought to be more proactive rather than waiting for the man to take the initiative and going along with their suggestions .

Beingadiv · 09/06/2022 12:23

Weird one!

Yes you could have suggested a coffee but he started wrapping things up after the walk by making small talk about later (I assume rather than in the sense of do you have time for lunch now?) so I would have taken the hint that he didn't want to do anything further with me. Trying his luck for a shag asking to walk you home. That's not the usual thing on OLD at all unless trying it on.

In all, ok the OP maybe could have steered the ship a bit more but he hardly sounds socially skilled or mad keen.

Sleepytimebear · 09/06/2022 12:23

Testina · 09/06/2022 12:13

I’m not letting him off the hook at all!
I think it was shit (though as I said: I’m pre-Covid walking date era so maybe it’s not quite as shit as we think!). But at least he suggested something, unlike OP who just mooched along like she didn’t have a tongue in her head. It’s not saving the date for him to say, “actually I’m glad to see the back of Covid walking dates - let’s go wild and get a coffee indoors!” - that’s not saving anything, it’s just expressing your preference.

Show quote history

OK well all I can think is that your standards are a lot lower than mine! It's not about the date, it's about what this suggests for the future. If he puts in this little effort on day 1 you have no hope with this person. And I actually have no objection to walking dates (although I know some do). A nice walk in the countryside, lovely, sign me up, but walking around a shopping centre is pathetic, and anyone who thinks they've done their bit for the date by suggesting this is not worth dating! I think it's really strange to suggest that I should speak up and offer something to make a date meet my expectations because if I do, this is what I'll be doing for the rest of the relationship.

needredbulltofunction · 09/06/2022 12:26

Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 11:42

I feel like sending a message saying either that the date was shit or just saying no thank you

Oh ffs. You’re such hard work.

If you like him then see him again.

If you don’t then just decline.

Testina · 09/06/2022 12:28

Don’t try to suggest my standards are low 🤣
My standards include only dating people who are prepared to put effort in too.
This guy did almost fuck all.
OP did the square root of almost fuck all!
I’m not saying she should date him - but I’d also be saying to him, don’t date her. Like you say, it’s about matching your expectations for the future. I wouldn’t want to date someone who was passively “taken for a walk” and didn’t say what they wanted to do.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 12:28

Isn't this what dating is for? To find out if there's compatibility?

If he's pissed you off within 15 minutes, then you're not compatible, but 'miffed'? Well, yes, go ahead and feel that if you want to make your day worse...

HangOnToYourself · 09/06/2022 12:28

Did you not discuss the plan before you met? I've never been on a date and not had a vague plan (e.g. let's meet for coffee or let's go for a walk). The lack of plan and also the lack of suggestion of a drink makes you sound very passive. It does sound like a shit date but dates are a 2 way thing

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:30

HangOnToYourself · 09/06/2022 12:28

Did you not discuss the plan before you met? I've never been on a date and not had a vague plan (e.g. let's meet for coffee or let's go for a walk). The lack of plan and also the lack of suggestion of a drink makes you sound very passive. It does sound like a shit date but dates are a 2 way thing

We just agreed to meet outside the shopping centre. He was 20 mins late too. No apology from him.

OP posts:
Ruffelo · 09/06/2022 12:30

needredbulltofunction · 09/06/2022 12:26

Oh ffs. You’re such hard work.

If you like him then see him again.

If you don’t then just decline.

Show quote history

👏👏👏

Honestly, mountains and molehills 😅

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 12:31

You waited 20 minutes stood outside?

Why? How long would you have stayed if he hadn't shown up after 20? Haven't you anything better to do?

milkmaiden · 09/06/2022 12:34

Sounds like a tactic he has to assess a person before going for food with them so he can get away quickly if he doesn't fancy going to dinner with that person.

Yes I'd be miffed, and when he said 'shall we go for a walk' I would have said 'no because I don't enjoy walking'

Original poster
Speckledhen2022 · 09/06/2022 12:34

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 12:31

You waited 20 minutes stood outside?

Why? How long would you have stayed if he hadn't shown up after 20? Haven't you anything better to do?

He messaged a couple of times to say I will be there soon. So I waited.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/06/2022 12:38

If he puts in this little effort on day 1 you have no hope with this person

this applies equally to the OP who also put in no effort whatsoever. It's 2022, the men don't have to put in all the effort, women are allowed to speak up and make suggestions.

yellowsmileyface · 09/06/2022 12:39

He was 20 mins late too. No apology from him.

Okay that would have pissed me off more than the walking date! You spent more time waiting for him than the actual date.

10HailMarys · 09/06/2022 12:39

Based on the evidence, I think he is just incredibly socially inept and doesn't really have a handle on how normal interactions usually work or what's standard for a 'date'.

I don't think it was a case of him not liking you (because he's asked to see you again) and I don't think it was a case of him not wanting to spend any money (because a coffee in a Costa or something isn't exactly bank-busting). And I don't think he was aiming for a shag either, because if that was his aim he'd have more likely tried to warm you up for it with a couple of drinks or something, rather than a walk round a shopping centre). To me, it really does just sound as if he's painfully awkward and has no grasp of social cues/norms.

Don't see him again, because he isn't going to suddenly get the hang of this stuff, ever, and that suggests he is not the man for you.

I would, however, echo what PPs have said - you had ample opportunity to suggest a coffee or something.

goldfinchonthelawn · 09/06/2022 12:40

That wasn't a date. Not sure what it was but it definitely wasn't a date!

If you want to give him another chance you coudl say, yeah, we could meet up as we barely got a chance to get to know each other last time. But how about something a bit more interesting than a walk around a shopping centre?

You could suggest the kind of date you;d like to go on, or just see what he says.

I have no problem with a walk as a first date but effort must be made - find a beautiful park with a great cafe, or a river path with a pretty pub or bring a small picnic and a rug.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 09/06/2022 12:45

Did you like him? Feel you want to get to know him better? If so, suggest coffee, or whatever. If not, say no thanks.