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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

403 replies

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:12

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Bellyups · 08/06/2022 22:16

Yes, I think that’s really quite strange. If you are eating that badly every day and feel shamed enough to hide it, I would assume you had an unhealthy relationship with food

Afterfire · 08/06/2022 22:18

You should have to hide what you eat, that’s very strange behaviour. But equally your dp shouldn’t be judging you for it either. Both of you are wrong in different ways.

holdingonforahero · 08/06/2022 22:18

This is odd... I'm not sure what to advise. Honestly your relationship with food doesn't sound the healthiest. But at the same time, I would hate to be judged by my partner. Maybe your partner is concerned that you aren't eating healthy? Are you overweight or diabetic or have any heart problems? It might come from a good place. Or is he not judging, and it is entirely you feeling guilty ?

In saying that, why is all your money on a joint account? You are an adult. You work, you earn money. You really should have your own bank account that you can have a certain amount of pocket money in it to spend as you please without others judging you.

( although it's really hard not to judge when you've put all of this down on MN.. sorry

Afterfire · 08/06/2022 22:18

*shouldn't

Chickadeeandchic · 08/06/2022 22:21

That is very strange. Why are you hiding it if it's not because of the unnecessary spends, because he shames you or because you are feeling ashamed and don't want him/anyone to know?

Gazelda · 08/06/2022 22:21

Would he begrudge you spending the money if he found out? Or judge you for unhealthy eating habits?

Would you be offended if you found out he had a secret card for spends he'd rather you not know about?

LIZS · 08/06/2022 22:21

Definitely an unhealthy relationship with food and a strange and elaborate deception. Are you an unhealthy weight? Would he mind about your habits?

Notimeforaname · 08/06/2022 22:22

It's not good.
Thats not a healthy relationship with food at all.

Moving or hiding money from your partner for whatever reason is never a good thing

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:22

holdingonforahero · 08/06/2022 22:18

This is odd... I'm not sure what to advise. Honestly your relationship with food doesn't sound the healthiest. But at the same time, I would hate to be judged by my partner. Maybe your partner is concerned that you aren't eating healthy? Are you overweight or diabetic or have any heart problems? It might come from a good place. Or is he not judging, and it is entirely you feeling guilty ?

In saying that, why is all your money on a joint account? You are an adult. You work, you earn money. You really should have your own bank account that you can have a certain amount of pocket money in it to spend as you please without others judging you.

( although it's really hard not to judge when you've put all of this down on MN.. sorry

Yes - just to clarify, it's certainly more me feeling guilty about it than him judging. I know he does worry about my weight and health, but it's never really in a judgy way, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 08/06/2022 22:23

You're either hiding it because you are ashamed of your eating habits, or because you are spending money you don't have. Neither seems healthy. The only other option is that your partner is controlling and critical, but McDonald's most days for breakfast does seem like a lot

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:24

Chickadeeandchic · 08/06/2022 22:21

That is very strange. Why are you hiding it if it's not because of the unnecessary spends, because he shames you or because you are feeling ashamed and don't want him/anyone to know?

It's certainly more my own shame than anything he has said or done, but I think he might be disappointed if he knew

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/06/2022 22:24

Would you feel better if you spent on healthier options?

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:25

LIZS · 08/06/2022 22:21

Definitely an unhealthy relationship with food and a strange and elaborate deception. Are you an unhealthy weight? Would he mind about your habits?

Yes, i'd be the first to admit I'm an unhealthy weight, as i'm 5'1 and over 18 stone currently.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/06/2022 22:26

I think this is unhealthy. I understand where you are coming from - I hate DH knowing if I’ve had a cheeky McDonalds as I feel judged, but I’m a recovered anorexic and I know my thinking is odd. I get over myself and remind myself it’s not a big deal and if he’s judging me that’s his problem.

I think you need to talk with your other half about how you feel. If you want a chunk of cash to spend without him knowing full details, fine, but explain that to him. If he’s a good partner he should understand.

Paq · 08/06/2022 22:26

It sounds like you have an addiction to ultra processed food. This is an amazing podcast which describes how it affects your body and brain. It might give you an insight into you behaviour (which sounds like it's not making you happy).

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m0017tcz

SaveMePlease · 08/06/2022 22:27

Just to clarify, are you:

  1. trying to hide the amount you spend on food outside of your joint groceries;
  2. trying to hide the amount you eat/the type of food you eat; or
  3. both?

Are we talking about say £50 a month, £100, £200, more? It doesn't sound healthy both in terms of your eating habits but also for the relationship whereby you're trying to hide spend from DH. Could you see a therapist or is your behaviour not that big a deal in your eyes?

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:27

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/06/2022 22:26

I think this is unhealthy. I understand where you are coming from - I hate DH knowing if I’ve had a cheeky McDonalds as I feel judged, but I’m a recovered anorexic and I know my thinking is odd. I get over myself and remind myself it’s not a big deal and if he’s judging me that’s his problem.

I think you need to talk with your other half about how you feel. If you want a chunk of cash to spend without him knowing full details, fine, but explain that to him. If he’s a good partner he should understand.

Thanks and you have my sympathy as that must be really tough. It's really not so much about the amount of money, but how much I'm eating.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/06/2022 22:27

Are you working? Why do you need a daily McDonald's? Takeaway if he's working in the evening? Does he do most cooking if he's at home?

Meraas · 08/06/2022 22:27

Isn’t all this takeaway food costing a fortune?

it seems a bit unfair to be funding all these takeaways just for you from the joint account, why not use your own account?

Does he get equal spending money?

Ponderingwindow · 08/06/2022 22:28

If your spending money your household can’t afford, then it’s a betrayal of your trust with your spouse.

that doesn’t sound like what you are describing though. So if you were my friend, I would start wondering if you were being abused? Either by your husband micromanaging your spending or by him being paying too much attention to your eating habits? Possibly in other ways as well?

my own personal experience with a family member who had a secret card definitely clouds my first impression, but abusive spouse flashes like a giant neon sign to me in these scenarios.

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:29

SaveMePlease · 08/06/2022 22:27

Just to clarify, are you:

  1. trying to hide the amount you spend on food outside of your joint groceries;
  2. trying to hide the amount you eat/the type of food you eat; or
  3. both?

Are we talking about say £50 a month, £100, £200, more? It doesn't sound healthy both in terms of your eating habits but also for the relationship whereby you're trying to hide spend from DH. Could you see a therapist or is your behaviour not that big a deal in your eyes?

It's more the amount and the type of food I'm ashamed of, but I guess it's hard to separate the money aspect from that. The money is less of an issue though as we're quite fortunate that we don't struggle month to month.

OP posts:
TruthHertz · 08/06/2022 22:29

I don't think it's a great idea tbh. I can understand struggling to control impulses but actually making an elaborate plan to be able to secretly eat junk food won't make you happy IMO.

DSGR · 08/06/2022 22:29

You’re hiding it because you’re eating very badly and unhealthily and you’re already very overweight. Of course he’s worried about you. This is very much to do with your relationship with food rather than your relationship with your DH?

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2022 22:30

I'd struggle with that. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and battling with it. I'm lucky that my partner isnt health or gym orientated.
I think it would be more beneficial for you each to have your own separate accounts for your spending money so neither of you feel monitored or watched

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:30

Ponderingwindow · 08/06/2022 22:28

If your spending money your household can’t afford, then it’s a betrayal of your trust with your spouse.

that doesn’t sound like what you are describing though. So if you were my friend, I would start wondering if you were being abused? Either by your husband micromanaging your spending or by him being paying too much attention to your eating habits? Possibly in other ways as well?

my own personal experience with a family member who had a secret card definitely clouds my first impression, but abusive spouse flashes like a giant neon sign to me in these scenarios.

Just want to 100% say that this is absolutely not the case. He's a loving husband and great dad.

OP posts: