Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Not to mention that to take the money away from your children to gorge yourself is awful on them. Did you mean to be so bloody rude?

Thank you. I was a size 12 in my teens, so naturally can feel the difference on my body health from then to know.

The 'hiding' is all about shame - you know that really, it's obvious.
And the bigger we get, the more shameful we feel about continuing to eat. Because deep down we think the 'thin' people are judging us for being greedy and having no self-control, and we are embarrassed by that. Even if they are lovely and not unkind at all.

I'm not as overweight as you and my eating isn't as unhealthy as yours sounds, but I DO comfort eat sometimes when I am sad or stressed and when I do, I hide wrappers/packaging from my family because I am embarrassed to be self-medicated with shit food.

I think the best thing for you would be to tell your DH that you are quite low about your weight and eating habits, you are aware that you want to make changes but it is deeply ingrained behaviour so can he support you, but not judge you for going slowly/relapsing/still eating a fair amount of shit as you slowly start to make changes. Then seek out some help for your eating - either via GP or disordered eating groups.

Best of luck OP

Should have said 'then to now' sorry

Your mum and sister or big friend arent the right support, your GP is.

OP, I do this.
But, I have my own bank account (alongside our joint account) - we both do.

McDs, sandwich shop, corner shop purchases are all made with my own debit card. As are clothes/ online orders.

My DH would be shocked if he knew how much I spent on crap food.
I don’t have an answer for you. My relationship with food has always been secretive since I was a young child. I am ashamed that I choose the unhealthy option at every opportunity. It’s a lifetime habit.

Yes and I do feel guilty about lying (well not strictly lying coz he desn't ask but thats splitting hairs I guess) and yes, it is in the £100s.

Thank you. I wasn't like this as a child, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you having struggled with it for so long

You're already on your way to beating this op because you've recognised that you have a problem.

Go see your GP and be brutally honest, that you're addicted to food and eat in secret and can't stop. You need counselling as well as support with a diet.

But you can beat this. This time next year, you could be a normal weight or very close to it. Just think how that would feel!

You eat McDonalds breakfasts that often? Christ OP. I'll be blunt... you wont need to worry about spending too much for long 😬

You'll either be skint... or dead.

Talking to your friend is good and taking on here too. All good.

However you must be honest with your DP and yourself and come totally clean with everything you’re doing.

Its the only way through this.

you can change. But you have to want it.

BMI of 49 is morbidly obese.

I'm sorry I know I already replied to this, but I do just want to say that even if you don't mean to be that words can be so hurtful. I know you might not have meant it to sound like that

Like some others have said it sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with food and so have to hide this from your partner. Not because they are controlling but because of your shame and the fact that they would recognise how disordered your eating is . They must know at some level because of your weight but this would highlight it.

it sounds like you need professional help but may not yet be ready for this. Hopefully this thread will make you realise you need help and this is not a good way to live your life, eating in such a disordered way that you need to hide it. Best wishes.

Sorry but is there any need for that?

Thank you. And you're right, I know I can't hide the weight from him and I do know that he is concerned about it.

Ok op, guilt and shame are horrible emotions but their job is to get us to take action - they're unpleasant for a reason - your brain is literally making you feel horrible in an effort to force you to change.

And even one tiny step towards change can really help alleviate those feelings of shame and guilt.

Simply googling eating disorder support and self referring, or arranging to see your gp will have a massive effect. Baby steps make a difference and the only way to climb Everest is one step at a time.

So sorry to read you feel you need to lie and hide your eating from your partner. Unfortunately this sounds like you have a binge eating disorder and I would immediately speak to your GP or any eating disorder charities in your area for support. As someone who’s had a terrible relationship with food and has spent years gaining weight, hiding what I’ve eaten here etc. - please don’t waste anymore time. Your body and mind will thank you in the long run even if it’s a long road.

let’s say it’s £20/week on McDonalds and then takeaways in the evenings of say £8/night for 4 nights that’s £36/week. So that’s £56/week. Over the year that’s

52x56= £2912 a year.

Thats a nice week away in the summer.

Thats 6 weekends in a country house hotel.

Thats a small used car for a teen

That’s a good amount into a private pension or ISA.

Thats theatre tickets and a night in London once a month.

You could do so much with that money instead of eating it.

It’s not the point.

This could be money for amazing holidays, hobbies, private schooling/tuition, university fees, their first cars, house deposit, wedding etc etc

And you are squandering it spending hundreds every month on junk food to ensure that there’s a good chance you may not even be around for any of the important milestones in their lives.

Sorry to be harsh, but this is really serious and you really do need to take action urgently and tell your GP exactly what you have been doing and the impact it is having on you.

The time for namby pambying around this is long gone. You are jeopardising your life.

Agree

This isn't fatcamp @Robinni

I really feel for you as I have a friend who is overweight and who wants to change. It is hard finding the right step to change but I do think your GP is the first person to speak to (or your partner or a friend).

OP, I want to be gentle but I don't think you would have posted unless you were worried about this

Yes, you are eating too much
Yes, you are eating the wrong things
No, it is not fair on your dp or kids, it's awful

However, I don't think you are doing this on purpose and feel for you

You do already know you are clinically obese and damaging your health
I think you need to go to the doctor and get some help
You can't go on like this, use the encouragement on here to change your life for the better

I felt so sad and sick reading your post. Please, please do something

It is blunt, yes. But I'm sorry, is it really wide of the mark? Maybe you can carry this habit financially, but healthwise? You're 18 stone at 5' 1. The pp is probably not wrong, especially as you're continuing to add to that weight.

You're body, your organs, are carrying double the stress that they should be. Your one heart is trying to keep alive the equivalent of two people. You really need to see your doctor.

It was put very impolitely, but there is a very high probability that you will die very young if you don’t get help.

You are at very increased risk of stroke, diabetes, cancer, or heart attack, and very unlikely to live a normal life for long. You will likely become crippled in middle age, lose the ability to walk, and may well lose extremities or limbs.

As several people have told you, you need to make an appointment with your GP tomorrow and get help.