Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Sorry forgot to say it’s a lady whose on a similar journey and by changing the way she thinks about food and what her body enjoys has helped her really change.

Hi OP. I've just read this entire thread and I was so pleased to hear you're turning a corner. Hopefully this GP appointment will be the first step on a long but very successful road, ultimately making you and everyone around you happier.

I've no comments about your weight, spending, health aspects; you know what you've got to do there. I would just say that I really, really do hope you can find the courage to speak to your husband soon about this. He really does sound a good, supportive man, and you sound like you work as a team in your marriage. It sounds like your husband would be nothing but thrilled and relieved to hear what you've got to say. He's obviously very concerned about you, which comes from a place of love, and I think he'll feel great relief to find you are not only worried too and accepting the problem, but are taking the first steps to turn things around. I'm sure he'll be there for you and help you, which can bring you even closer together.

Oh, and one more thing.. MN is obsessed with separate bank accounts. I've been married for 25 years, a SAHM for the past 10; we've only ever had joint accounts (other than ISAs which are equally filled from the joint accounts and seen as joint money). Neither of us check up on what the other is spending. My DH wouldn't give a hoot (or notice how much I'd spent) if I went out this afternoon and had a splurge on new clothes. He'd just be happy I'd actually done something for myself. Your marriage sounds the same, and there really is nothing wrong with this!

Good luck x

Hi @jadeyxox I’m pleased you’ve posted again, with an update and that you are seeing your GP.
In a post yesterday you said you didn’t know where to start… l’d like to make a suggestion please, if I may?
This is from my own experience- in January I was 20st, and miserable, I was struggling to walk very far at this point but have lost 3st by making small changes but doing it consistently.
firstly I suggest you use a TDEE calculator (free online) and see what your calorie intake should be for a 1-2lb weight loss per week. Don’t think too long term, just focus on doing that every week. To lose weight you need to be in calorie deficit.
Start to track your calories, use the MyFitnessPal app, and you will build up an understanding of foods and nutrition from this. Don’t weigh yourself too much, maybe every 2 weeks, but be absolutely consistent in sticking to your daily calories plus drinking plenty of water. I do at least 30 min exercise per day too. The results came quickly for me. Good luck x

Thank you! I will definitely read it x

Thank you so much! Yes, that’s exactly what DH is like! So glad to read this, beginning to think I was weird for our financial relationship, but glad others are the same!

Just wanted to say well done, you’ve done amazing! I’ll definitely take that on board xx

Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for the lovely replies. I know people
probably think I’m weird for my habits and letting things get so bad, but I really do want to fix things.

not gonna lie, I’m absolutely pooing myself about the doctors tomorrow and nearly canceled it today, but I know I need to do it.

I’ll report back (if anyone is still interested!) but please keep your fingers crossed for me 😊

xx

We all do things differently! Do report back! I for one am very interested in hearing how it went!

Be gentle with yourself op. Doctors can be asswholes too,especially fatphoboc weight based ones.so don't be cut if what they say is a bit like the judge posts on here.the health profession really needs to work on this but sadly we seem not to be.this isn't said to put you off.just something many of us are aware of is still a huge issue.
They should be helping you if say more emotionally. Not just join this diet,lose this much,health aT risk talk.thats not the issue here.
I think you need good talking help around your shame and how your view yourself and some good esteem led therapy or help.so u can find what the issue is.
You need some health behaviours yes.but that's all about what you can add I to your diet not talk of what we restrict you from.
Remember health does not equal weight as a correlation always.if the weight is lost dueto health behaviours then that is health.this shouldn't be about restricting you to make you smaller.but what can we add nutritionally to make it balanced.but with no shame guilt or pitiful amounts of calories that can be sustained.
Health is nutrition.sleep.work.emotions.stress.its so varied.

Hope it went well op - don't forget big changes are the long haul not a quick fix. There will be false starts, set backs, highs and lows. It's as simple and difficult as keeping on keeping on

@jadeyxox how was the app? I’m presuming you heard some things that were difficult to hear.

Hiya, sorry for the delay in replying, have had a busy few days but thanks for asking after me x

Yes it wasn't the easiest appointment. Was obviously very concerned about my weight and BMI. Thankfully my blood sugars were pretty normal but said my blood pressure is really quite high especially for my age. I spoke about my eating habits etc, and she said there's definitely a mental aspect to it.

She's referred me to the weight management nurse at the clinic to try and help me with the physical bits of it, and said she'll refer me to therapy around the habits - but did say that the waits can be long and because its quite specialist then I might want to consider something private if we can afford it.

Haven't spoken to DH yet, I know I need to but still trying to work out what to say.

that sounds positive op apart from the waits for everythhing its the same everywhere

Yes it was probably better than I expected. I was so nervous waiting to go in and be seen.

If you can OP, I would tell DH you have been to see GP and what they said. Otherwise you are compounding secretive behaviour with more secretive behaviour.

He will probably be relieved and impressed that you are being proactive about the situation.

Well done OP! You took the first step, the hardest one!
Are you telling your DH first or going to therapy first to figure out what to tell him? Your DH seems nice from what you say but I'd be really nervous too about coming out with sth like this. I think it's hard no matter how you phrase it and hoe much you plan it, but have some faith. He loves you or he wouldn't care at all imho. Sending you hugs!

how not hoe!

FWIW your DH sounds supportive. It might be a relief to him and you if you address it openly. I had a drinking problem (serious PND followed by an accident that nearly killed me - so I guess PTSD) contributed to self medicating.

DH was so relived when I brought up myself that i was worried and I felt out of control BUT that I was seeking help and explianed to him what steps I was taking.

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, but it was a good thing to do.

Hi OP, I just want to add to the congratulations on seeing your GP.

DH has disordered eating (as does his mum and DSis) and eats when he gets overwhelmed by life. I am the opposite (have had an eating disorder myself). But he had to have major surgery for an unrelated issue last month and before the surgery he was going on a cycling trip - the MN favourite hobby 😂 - and he decided that he wanted to lose some weight for both of these. He started in February and he has lost 2 1/2 stone through small changes to his diet.

Be kind to yourself and perhaps use the money to treat yourself to something nice that you love - other than food - at the end of each week.

also if you can find a support group that would help - DH started through a friend group who all decided they needed to lose weight and did it together.

good luck and keep posting.

Hiding anything and lying to your partner is the start of the end.

Can you seek professional help about your eating issues?

Have you ever really looked at the total you spend?

Would that shock you into stopping it if the health aspect doesn't?

@jadeyxox I think you're amazing. Well done for going to the GP. Have you ever considered a low-carb diet? It has very simple rules and @BIWI runs a supportive bootcamp every few months.

could you start by saying to your DH that you want to think about going to a private doctor for weight management and disordered eating? Then explain that you’ve been to GP and they are concerned about your blood pressure but think you need help with addressing the eating but that the nhs is slow so you think going private might be necessary. If my partner was clearly in need of help and announced they’d made a plan to get that help, I’d be so relieved I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the card and the spending (if we weren’t hard up). I do agree you should confess to the card, but if the focus is on your plan rather than what you’ve done, that might help you both stay positive during the talk? Wishing you luck!

Yes im the same the waiting is the worst part of it all i almost feel like im going to be sick

Thanks for your lovely replies everyone. I'm going to speak to DH about everything this weekend, and bring up the idea of paying for private counselling with him. I am going to tell him about the card, and cut it up in front of him so he can see I'm serious.

Just had an appointment through yesterday with the weight management nurse to discuss options etc, and how to get started. At least I can tell him about that and show I'm making progress.