Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

403 replies

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 22:12

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

OP posts:
HappypusSadpus · 08/06/2022 23:20

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:12

Sorry but is there any need for that?

Show quote history

Yes. Because you need to face up to what you're doing. And sometimes people need to be blunt so it sinks in.

People being kind is doing you no favours other than enabling you and your entitlement towards yourself, and a 'no one is telling me what to do' attitude that I'm not yet sure you're aware of.

Because you doing what you're doing is just that. Deep down it's selfish and selfindulgent behaviour. It's not even self hatred or shame. It's 'I'll do what I want'.

Admit it to yourself, OP. It's not shame that stops you telling your DH, it's because he'd tell you to stop. And you don't actually want to.

Which means it's pure greed, not shame.

Wilburisagirl · 08/06/2022 23:20

I certainly understand not wanting to have to justify or explain behaviours and spending. However hiding your eating habits is a big red flag for disordered eating and I would be trying to get some help regarding that.

Robinni · 08/06/2022 23:26

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:11

I'm sorry I know I already replied to this, but I do just want to say that even if you don't mean to be that words can be so hurtful. I know you might not have meant it to sound like that

Show quote history

@jadeyxox I have been 18 1/2 stone, though a good bit taller than you. Lost it all but I am currently going through a weight loss programme as my bmi crept up to 36 following bereavement.

I had health professionals say to me if it carried on I would be seriously ill soon. That’s with a bmi of 36. And it was a real shock to me.

49 is the point where you need to be going to the doctor as a matter of urgency for eating disorder support and potentially drugs/surgery because you deserve to have a good life and good health. And the manner in which you’re obtaining the food is really detrimental to you and your family. You need help with it and I really hope and pray you go for this because you deserve better for yourself.

TheLadyDIdGood · 08/06/2022 23:27

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0c98s7r

Listen to this podcast by Dr Chris and Xan van Tulekan about food addiction.

HappypusSadpus · 08/06/2022 23:27

As for your kids wanting for nothing, too... what about when they're wanting for a mother?

Is that blunt enough to sink in about what you're doing?

galvanizethis · 08/06/2022 23:27

It sounds like you're ashamed op.I'm glad it's not anything he's doing wrong to make you feel like this but maybe you can use this opportunity to scrap the card and join slimming world or similar. The children deserve a mum who is fit and well -. I genuinely feel for you as I struggle with my diet x

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:28

Robinni · 08/06/2022 23:16

It’s not the point.

This could be money for amazing holidays, hobbies, private schooling/tuition, university fees, their first cars, house deposit, wedding etc etc

And you are squandering it spending hundreds every month on junk food to ensure that there’s a good chance you may not even be around for any of the important milestones in their lives.

Sorry to be harsh, but this is really serious and you really do need to take action urgently and tell your GP exactly what you have been doing and the impact it is having on you.

The time for namby pambying around this is long gone. You are jeopardising your life.

Show quote history

Do you think I don’t know the health risks? I’m not stupid.

OP posts:
Gagagardener · 08/06/2022 23:29

When I gave up smoking, years ago, for the first few weeks I made a point of spending the money I would have spent on cigarettes on something nice for myself. Perhaps you could think about spending the money you spend on something that will help you, such as private therapy/medical support?. (And if your DH is as nice as you make him sound, do come clean to him and ask him for help and support and hugs.) Very best wishes.

Bunce1 · 08/06/2022 23:29

I think the op has got the message now.

I don’t think all these comments about her kids and death are especially supportive and must’ve quite upsetting to read.

@jadeyxox hope you’re ok.

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:29

CanaryWharf2 · 08/06/2022 23:19

It was put very impolitely, but there is a very high probability that you will die very young if you don’t get help.

You are at very increased risk of stroke, diabetes, cancer, or heart attack, and very unlikely to live a normal life for long. You will likely become crippled in middle age, lose the ability to walk, and may well lose extremities or limbs.

As several people have told you, you need to make an appointment with your GP tomorrow and get help.

Show quote history

I know and I do get that. I live in this body every day so I feel the impact the extra weight has on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:30

jackstini · 08/06/2022 23:18

OP, I want to be gentle but I don't think you would have posted unless you were worried about this

Yes, you are eating too much
Yes, you are eating the wrong things
No, it is not fair on your dp or kids, it's awful

However, I don't think you are doing this on purpose and feel for you

You do already know you are clinically obese and damaging your health
I think you need to go to the doctor and get some help
You can't go on like this, use the encouragement on here to change your life for the better

I felt so sad and sick reading your post. Please, please do something Flowers

Thank you that’s such a kind post x

OP posts:
Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:31

saraclara · 08/06/2022 23:19

It is blunt, yes. But I'm sorry, is it really wide of the mark? Maybe you can carry this habit financially, but healthwise? You're 18 stone at 5' 1. The pp is probably not wrong, especially as you're continuing to add to that weight.

You're body, your organs, are carrying double the stress that they should be. Your one heart is trying to keep alive the equivalent of two people. You really need to see your doctor.

Show quote history

Yes and I do appreciate that. I know the strain I’m putting on myself.

OP posts:
expat101 · 08/06/2022 23:32

We have joint accounts, and I would be more concerned if I saw DH transferring money into a pre-paid card account instead of using our debit card.

I would wonder what he was hiding/paying for!

go get cash out when you do your shopping if you must hide your spending habits. But I think you are lying more to yourself than anyone else.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/06/2022 23:32

How old are your DC?
It would be really beneficial to seek professional help.
Start by being honest with DH.

CanaryWharf2 · 08/06/2022 23:32

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:28

Do you think I don’t know the health risks? I’m not stupid.

Show quote history

So are you going to call your doctor’s surgery tomorrow?

You posted here to try to get some motivation to change, didn’t you? You didn’t want anyone to tell you that what you are doing is fine, it was to spur you on to try to make a change.

The best first step towards that change is to go and see your GP.

Do it for your family.

Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:33

HappypusSadpus · 08/06/2022 23:20

Yes. Because you need to face up to what you're doing. And sometimes people need to be blunt so it sinks in.

People being kind is doing you no favours other than enabling you and your entitlement towards yourself, and a 'no one is telling me what to do' attitude that I'm not yet sure you're aware of.

Because you doing what you're doing is just that. Deep down it's selfish and selfindulgent behaviour. It's not even self hatred or shame. It's 'I'll do what I want'.

Admit it to yourself, OP. It's not shame that stops you telling your DH, it's because he'd tell you to stop. And you don't actually want to.

Which means it's pure greed, not shame.

Show quote history

I’m sorry but what have I said that makes you think that I don’t feel ashamed and that I don’t want to stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:34

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/06/2022 23:32

How old are your DC?
It would be really beneficial to seek professional help.
Start by being honest with DH.

They’re 4 and 2 x

OP posts:
Original poster
jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:35

Robinni · 08/06/2022 23:26

@jadeyxox I have been 18 1/2 stone, though a good bit taller than you. Lost it all but I am currently going through a weight loss programme as my bmi crept up to 36 following bereavement.

I had health professionals say to me if it carried on I would be seriously ill soon. That’s with a bmi of 36. And it was a real shock to me.

49 is the point where you need to be going to the doctor as a matter of urgency for eating disorder support and potentially drugs/surgery because you deserve to have a good life and good health. And the manner in which you’re obtaining the food is really detrimental to you and your family. You need help with it and I really hope and pray you go for this because you deserve better for yourself.

Show quote history

Thank you - I appreciate that.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 08/06/2022 23:35

OP, you’ve had some harsh words on here. Don’t get distracted but how ‘nice’ or how ‘rude’ the tone of people’s posts are. Everyone - everyone - wants to help you stop. Because you have to or your DCs will lose their mother earlier than they otherwise might.

However, on the cost of all the food, I think you urgently need to spend on private counselling. If you have any money to spare it should be going on therapy for you which you badly need. And you will get that money - and your life - back in spades if you can slow or stop this.

bridgetreilly · 08/06/2022 23:36

Sweetheart, this is really, really hard but I think you need counselling. It is not normal for adults to hide what they are eating like this. You need some help with sorting out your feelings around food and then you may be able to build a better pattern of eatin*.

FinallyHere · 08/06/2022 23:36

In case you ever decide that you are ready to address it, you might find something of interest in

https://gillianriley.com

An approach to overcoming overeating. Hope you find what works for you.

Bunce1 · 08/06/2022 23:36

So young.

GP first thing.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/06/2022 23:36

I think over eaters anonymous might be a good place to start.
It doesn't have to be religious, you don't have to share, the support of members going through the same thing alongside a sponsor could really help you deal with the emotional side and learn addiction is for life, every day must be treated with the same determination as the first day you decided to stop.

galvanizethis · 08/06/2022 23:36

jadeyxox · 08/06/2022 23:12

Sorry but is there any need for that?

Show quote history

There are some vile trolls on here - just scroll past xxx

TwentyOneTwentyTwo · 08/06/2022 23:36

What does he think you eat? Do you have to lie or does he never ask? I'm asking because if you're eating meals twice is a different issue to being ashamed of the only meal you ate. If it's the latter you could try buying it on your normal card, just once or twice. Explore how that feels and what it makes you want to do next? You might find that it's not as scary to be honest about your meals than you thought. Or maybe you find some key to your recovery. If you have been lying about meals, try being honest about one a week?

If you are eating meals twice, a bowl of cereal at home and McDonald's on the road say, then it will be hard to decrease that. I imagine you'd have to do it very very slowly. Maybe order one less item for a week or two, then another item.

I hope you find something in this thread that helps you OP Flowers