Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Sub an alcoholic drink for the food & ask yourself what you'd think if your DH was doing a similar thing.

I'm hefty so I won't judge your weight. I self-referred myself to the local health board dietitians & they ran a very helpful course. Get some support, food is worse than drink as you can't go cold turkey.

I can understand why you do this. I have a separate bank account from my husband so he doesn't see what I buy, but if I eat excessively or badly I hide the wrappers and evidence. Using the debit card the way you do, is no different to that, it's just a different way to hide a difficult relationship with food. Do you have low mood or low self esteem too?

5’1” and 18 stone is 48.

Yes DH is slim himself. And you're right, its nothing to do with him being controlling etc, this is about how I feel

It seems logical to you, but it really isn't.

You aren't hiding it from him at all. Because it shows on your body.

All you're doing is lying to him about it.

Thank you for the kind reply! And yes I'm lucky as I don't usually start in work until 9.30 or 9.45!!

I do agree with that. I know it's impossible to try and hide this sort of weight gain (although it doesn't stop me trying! lol)

There’s no need to layer guilt on top of a health issue.

Make an appointment with your GP, and go. There is help available.

This isn't within your control anymore I'm sorry you are forced to suffer like this.

It's time medical professionals came up with an extensive plan to help people who are in this situation, intense therapy, hospital inpatient stay, treating food addiction as the serious life threatening disease it is.

No I know but it's hard not to feel guilt when I think of DH and DC

So what are you going to do now? Are you intending to just carry on as you are, even though you acknowledge that your health is suffering?

Are you getting any support?
More importantly do you want support?

This can’t carry on long term and I’m sure that you know that. But it’s really scary, admitting the problem and then seeking help.

Look I know that's a fair question, but if it was easy as just stopping I promise you I would have done

@jadeyxox

This sounds like some sort of an eating disorder.

You need to go to your GP now and get help - counselling, potentially surgery to stop you eating. You’re going to end up killing yourself.

Not to mention that to take the money away from your children to gorge yourself is awful on them.

Get help - now!

If I found out my DP was practicing this level of deception, it would really make me question our whole relationship. Lies and deceit are not the foundations of a healthy relationship.
You must be spending £100's a month.

I do. And I talk to my best friend about it (she's also big which makes it easier) but it's difficult with family as my mum and sister are quite judgemental with it.

I just want to put the record straight and say our kids are not deprived. Yes ok that money could be spent on them, but they don't want for anything!

Yes DH is slim himself. And you're right, its nothing to do with him being controlling etc, this is about how I feel.
As strange as it seems to some it's pretty normal addictive behaviour similar to hiding the wine/vodka bottles around the house, drug addicts covering track marks with long sleeves, Gamblers hiding the bank statements, borrowing off Pete to pay Paul.
Addiction relies on secretive behaviours.

I used to eat in secret although perhaps not to the same extent. I was 5’7 and 17 stone. I then watched my mother in law die a horrible death that was 100% preventable had she taken control of her diet and lifestyle. Her death was particularly hard to take because it was through self destruction. I realised that wasn’t the life or death I wanted. I’m 4 stone down so far and aiming for 2 more.
if you are unable to tackle this alone, please seek help. Your family want you around

Well done, that's amazing, you should be really proud of yourself!

"Not to mention that to take the money away from your children to gorge yourself is awful on them."

That's a disgraceful way to refer to someone who is clearly aware they have a problem. Choice of language matters and shaming someone who already feels ashamed is totally unhelpful. Really no need to frame it in those terms @Robinni

You need to talk to your GP, and be entirely honest.

I'm your height, and a size 12. So not stick thin at all. You are more than twice my weight. I honestly can't imagine how that feels or looks, and what it's doing to your health and to your lifespan. Not to mention your quality of life day to day.

This is textbook disordered eating, with your addictive eating of unhealthy processed food being hidden from those who care about you.

If you want to be around for your DCs and your husband, if you want to be able to join in activities with your children, it's really important that you get the psychological and medical help to beat your addiction and lose weight.
You also need your DH's support to do this, so you have to open up and be honest with him.

I hope you can find the strength to make that appointment and open up to your dh.

That’s really sad that they are judgemental, it’s not helpful. Do you think that maybe they don’t understand why you do it?
It’s hard looking from the outside without all the facts, we all judge people at some point even if we don’t like to admit it (I’m not judging you btw).

I’m glad that you have a friend to talk too although I also meant professional help?

Being deceptive is never a good thing and certainly has no place in a strong marriage. If you feel ashamed of your eating habits to the point where you’re hiding them, you obviously need to get professional help.

Thank you, that's very kind of you to stick up for me like that x