Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

Using a prepaid debit card cause u want to stick to a budget/don't want to carry mash/insert many reason, not that strange

Using it to hide your eating habits and your food expenses from tour husband? Both strange and unhealthy. Either you have a controlling husband who gets on your case, in which case u need to sort the DH problem, or you have some serious mental health problems and some sort of eating disorder in which case you need to look into therapy to deal with either the way you feel about how you eat or address your issues with eating unhealthily.

Not judging you about how you eat BTW. But it's not normal to feel so embarrassed about it to go to such great lengths to hide it from your husband.

And let's be honest, shouldn't a marfiage be based on honesty? It's horrible of you to be so sneaky about your joint finances. Just because it's food spending, and not clothes, shoes etc, it doesn't mean its not a shitty thing to do

As a fellow disordered eater, I understand where you are coming from.

Plain and simple, it’s disordered eating and all part of the same spectrum of disordered eating.

have you ever sought any help or support? It seems to me like you need to work on your thinking and attitudes to food. Keeping eating habits secretive isn’t healthy.

Yes, I think that’s really unhealthy, psychologically as much as physically. It’s like you’re hiding a gambling or alcohol addiction - because that is exactly what it is-you’re addicted.

You can change your behaviour, and you know you should. Then you wouldn’t need to feel ashamed, and you’d feel healthier too.

I work part-time. We share the cooking etc but he works evenings fairly often so I'll cook dinner for the kids and myself, but later on will sometimes get a takeaway. It's not good, I fully accept.

Does your partner pass comments on your eating at all?

I think you need to talk with your other half about how you feel. If you want a chunk of cash to spend without him knowing full details, fine, but explain that to him. If he’s a good partner he should understand.

Can you imagine this in reverse? My dh/dp has told me he's frequently going to take a chunk of cash from the joint account and if I'm 'a good partner' I'd understand and ask no questions.

I do feel guilty about the amount I spend on it yes. We don't really divide the money up like that with equal shares, but obviously keep an eye on what's being spent, in the account etc

We have a joint account and a seperate account each with our "spending" money in. It feels really odd to me that my DH would be able to see if Ive gone out for lunch. I think it's becuase I had a very controlling ex though.

Would it help to have a fund you are saving towards something specific, for the family perhaps. Then your choice is food or fund. He must know you are not consuming only the food he sees you eat.

Eating disorders are rarely as simple as changing habits. It takes time to work through the emotions and thought processes.

What does he think the withdrawal is for?

Occasionally he will but it's never in a nasty or judgy way, it's generally from concern, or sometimes as a joke (again 100% not nasty or mean)

It’s just what most couples do with spending money in their own personal accounts, though. Both my DH and I have ‘a chunk of cash to spend’ without the other seeing what on.

It never really comes up much, but just general spending - for the house, or kids, or make-up stuff, clothes. I just wouldn't want him seeing the amount of transactions showing that I'm on about.

Eating disorders are rarely as simple as changing habits. It takes time to work through the emotions and thought processes.

I just listened to a researcher who argued it goes beyond that. Ultra processed food permanently changes your brain and your gut hormones. Less people "recover" from obesity than from cancer.

I think this is really all about a very unhealthy relationship with food and nothing to do with your DH being controlling or abusive.

Not only is it unreasonable for you to deceive your partner in this way, you almost certainly have an eating disorder. Please get help.

Thanks for all your replies so far! Am doing my best to keep up but if I've missed it and it's something you really want an answer to then just reply again and i'll do my best!!

Maybe it's time to be open with him and find support to change your habits. How much are you spending?
How would you feel if he was hiding things from you?

Eating disorders are rarely as simple as changing habits. It takes time to work through the emotions and thought processes.
Oh absolutely, Libraries - I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. I meant it more in an empowering way, that it is possible to change habits (even if that’s with difficulty initially.)

It sounds like an addiction.
For which you perhaps need understanding and support and to be honest about it with your DH.

Yes, I want to repeat again that this is 100% nothing to do with DH being controlling or abusive!

Its secret eating my DP has recently admitted he does it and how bad it can be think large dairy milk bar all in one sitting. I was shocked but it explained why he seems to eat okay but never loses weight. Its something you need help with you could cut up the card and go cold Turkey or you could speak to your GP and try to get some help.