Boyfriend told me to get a grip....aibu?

[ooohpll]

I'm the type of person who always needs something coming up and something to look forward too.
We have no trips away now till beginning of September.
We have had 3 weekends away this year and came back on Sunday and went to a gig that night.
Now bf has said we need to start saving money for house renovations (which we do )
We will still have fortnightly date nights and days out but no weekends away till September then November we are going abroad.
It just seems so far away.
3 months with nothing except a meal or night out to the theatre (mamma Mia ) to break it up but that's literally the local theatre.
It's not because I'm demanding (I swear ) I just get bored of normal life and just love being out exploring.
Aibu ?
I have been trying to get a night away booked in for late July /august but bf is adamant we should spend summer months at hone.

I’m wondering when you got together with your partner OP? Was it whilst you still had caring responsibilities?

I’m floating the idea that your partner suited you when you had less freedoms and he was happy enough to live with the restrictions you faced. It may just be this is his nature and circumstances mean you’re not quite as well matched as you once were.

Just to echo the travelling suggestion. You could go round the world for 6_9 months and have loads of experiences. Then when you get decide if you want to continue the relationship

@ooohpll

Just to ask as it may influence what advice people give you.

Do you own the house outright following inheritance or is the house jointly owned (ie you paid 50:50 deposit and equally contribute to the mortgage)?

It does sound as if the grief counselling will be a good idea. Poor you, losing them both in such quick succession. There must be a lot to process with having been a carer for so long.

Im wondering if the relationship is good for you, as you seem to have very different priorities. Your bf seems to be focussed on saving and acquiring “things”, whereas you want to acquire experiences now that you can.

You might not be in the right place to be settling into a relationship right now.

The house is my boyfriends.
We pay the mortgage 50/50
And split all bills etc
We save £300 a month each after bills /treats etc

So you are paying his mortgage and towards renovation? I think you probably need to think about a Shae in the property.

He's got a point

Your later posts change things for me. Never pay someone else's mortgage. If he's expecting you to sacrifice your interests to pay his mortgage and renovation costs then this has to stop right now!
Obviously he's entitled not to blow his money on holidays when he has a house to pay for, but he's not entitled to impose those costs on you.

I think you are at different life stages tbh.

No wonder he is keen on you saving your money to spend on renovations on HIS house!

OP, you need some time and space.

1. I hope your share of savings are going into your account not a joint one? If not, make this change straight away.
2. Focus on looking after yourself in your grief and shock. Take time to reflect and reset, and do not make any big or irrevocable decisions while you are in such upset.
3. Later, when you really know what you want in your life, and are having counselling, talk to your BF about your relationship and housing. Paying a reasonable sum in lieu of rent and fir your share of bills is one thing. Putting your savings into renovating a property you have no stake in is a very bad idea, and he has no right at all to expect you to contribute to renovations unless you are named in the deeds, or married.

U sound high maintenence

And is here demand u pay his mortgage.

Sit down and see if u can sort it out.
Otherwise it will destroy your relationship.

*so is he.

@ooohpll I was concerned you might be getting swindled… turns out it is the opposite way about.

As another poster said Putting your savings into renovating a property you have no stake in is a very bad idea, and he has no right at all to expect you to contribute to renovations unless you are named in the deeds, or married.

You need to get your name on those deeds prior to any renovations or you have no rights to anything in the event the relationship collapses.

Sorry to put more on you at a time like this but absolutely say to him that you are not putting money into a house you don’t own!!

This 100%.

I would also stop paying half HIS mortgage until you're on the deeds too.

** actually you are being swindled!! Sorry I worded that badly.

I thought he was taking advantage of living in your property and pushing for renovations so he could lay claim to half of it….

What he’s actually doing is cleverer - he’s got a live in lodger girlfriend to cover half his mortgage and renovation costs and you won’t have a leg to stand on if you split… he’ll take it all.

Please protect yourself!! No wonder you feel you need a holiday!

It’s nice to have things to look forward to but if you need them to distract you from grief you could do with immediate support. If you’re in the UK, speak to CRUSE: www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/ it’s free, you can talk to them whenever you need it.

Also agree with others about your money. If you’re paying 50% mortgage and renovations, your bf needs to include you on the mortgage. Speak to him, see what he says. In the meantime set up your own bank account and keep your money there.

Yabu.
you have loads to look forward to!

Wtf?

I actually disagree that you ‘shouldn’t be paying someone’s mortgage’. It’s called rent. You don’t have to live with your partner and they would be stupid to out your name on it.

However, I can’t tell wether you are drip feeding on purpose, because of the initial reactions and just want people to agree with you. Or wether you genuinely didn’t think it was relevant. Though I would have thought that, the fact that you don’t own it would be really obviously relevant.

But absolutely do not be paying for renovations on a house that’s not got your name on it. Not at all.

That doesn’t change that you need to confront your grief and that running away, eventually, will impact you more. But you shouldn’t be paying for these renovations.

Use the money for counselling.

I disagree with those saying don't pay the mortgage. Most people renting are paying someone's mortgage or at least topping your their income via rent. Don't spend a single penny on renovations though.

I still think you should take off and go backpacking. I did it when I was 18 and it was the making of me. It was so easy to pick up work that I travelled for a few years (New Zealand I found easiest for finding work and finding friends). Eventually I reached a point where I wanted to settle down somewhere but until then, I had an amazing time travelling around from place to place without worrying about life.

I agree with @Andromachehadabadday and @chiffchaffchiff that paying to live in his house is actually a rent payment of sorts (clearly it would be wrong to not pay anything to live there - well clear to me anyway) but if you’re not going on the mortgage you need to seek legal advice on your rights because you’re basically a lodger and have very little to nothing by way of recourse if he decides he wants you out. Your percentage of ‘rent’ should reflect that you need to save to protect yourself in that scenario.

Absolutely do not pay for any improvements or renovations without getting recognised legally on the mortgage.

Personally I don't agree with partners asking for rent - their mortgage would be the same whether you lived there or not. It's not comparable imo to renting privately, where you have legal rights and protection!
A partner who truly cares about you would encourage you to save rather than pay their mortgage, so that if the relationship goes wrong, you would have options. If money is tight a good boyfriend would prefer you spend on counselling to help you come to terms with your losses. You should pay your share of bills but definitely not mortgage and renovation costs.

OP is using the classic tactic of dripfeed when the OP doesn't go her way.

It’s really quite easy to get rights whilst living with your partner. Without having half the house signed over.

paying half a mortgage is likely to be cheaper than paying rent, especially if you live alone. So she can likely save up as well. Except she wants to spend it on experiences. If she can’t save, that’s why. Nothing wrong with it. But it’s a choice.

op absolutely should not be paying for renovations. But even if she now, refuses, she is unlikely to be building lots of savings.

Cant imagine a situation where a woman would be told she didn’t care about her male partner because he moved in and pays half the mortgage and he should only pay a portion of the bills. And that she should be concerned about him building his own savings, while she pays the bills.

If she isn’t comfortable with paying what she is paying, she could always save up and move out and live in her own. That’s unlikely to improve her financial situation.

I absolutely would say this to a man who was living in a house owned solely by his female partner.
And I don't think it is that easy to gain rights over someone else's property - I think you'd have to go to court and prove what you'd paid for, which means having a paper trail going back years and the finances to take it to court in the first place. And even then you'd have no guarantee of success. It's why so many unmarried sahm find themselves in financial hardship.

He is much older than her in terms of life stages. Unless they are getting married and sharing everything legally, then she absolutely shouldn't be paying half for an asset he owns. It might be cheaper than rent, but she isn't gaining any of the security of renting.

You shouldn't be paying 50% of the mortgage if it isn't your house, and you really must not pay for renovations. Do you understand you have no rights to this house and he could chuck you out after you spend all your money on his house?

Anyway, on your original point. Small local adventures can be fun too, and I think you would really enjoy them, sounds like he's rejecting any activity like free concerts and not just going away so YANBU. If he doesn't want to do the same things you do then you can still join meetup or activity groups and get out there to enjoy yourself. You can also go away by yourself if you want. It isn't your house to save for, so spend your money on the things you want to do. If or when the two of you start planning a future together, plans for what to do and how to spend money need to be agreed together. One person dictating isn't an effective relationship.

Sorry for your losses x