Boyfriend told me to get a grip....aibu?

[ooohpll]

I'm the type of person who always needs something coming up and something to look forward too.
We have no trips away now till beginning of September.
We have had 3 weekends away this year and came back on Sunday and went to a gig that night.
Now bf has said we need to start saving money for house renovations (which we do )
We will still have fortnightly date nights and days out but no weekends away till September then November we are going abroad.
It just seems so far away.
3 months with nothing except a meal or night out to the theatre (mamma Mia ) to break it up but that's literally the local theatre.
It's not because I'm demanding (I swear ) I just get bored of normal life and just love being out exploring.
Aibu ?
I have been trying to get a night away booked in for late July /august but bf is adamant we should spend summer months at hone.

I mean, welcome to adulting.

Everyone likes having things to look forward to (well, most normal people).

But we also have to pay for stuff.

Sometimes paying for stuff has to take priority. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry for your losses.

Well no he can’t understand. I thought I could empathise with people who lost their parents. I thought I could imagine how hard it was. But now it’s happened I know I never had a clue.

and everyone’s grief is different.

i don’t think there’s an issue with planning things to distract you a bit. But you are taking it extreme. Having a holiday to look forward to can help. Date nights can. A trip to theatre.

But you need to have something quite big, very often. You have lots to look forward to. But you seem to be running away from your grief at a million miles an hour and want to spend outside your budget.

If you do want to spend all your money on holidays and concerts, that’s what you should do. But you can’t also have the renovations.

and it may mean this relationship isn’t for you.

Do you realise you can’t sustain the level of distractions you need forever.

You seem to be completely ignoring any of us who think you may need to look at dealing with your grief. So I presume, that’s not what you want. But you will need to deal with it sometime.

@ooohpll people who haven’t lost a parent and/or cared for an elderly relative haven’t a clue, it isn’t their fault but they are living in an alternate reality as far as life experiences go.

Please get yourself some counselling
www.cruse.org.uk

Maybe try exercise as others have said, and pick up a skill/hobby.

The holidays are good but you can’t become reliant on any one thing. Start to work through your grief and give yourself a range of activities and good people in life to help you cope. One solution (holidays/outings) leaves you too vulnerable.

if you have read all the OP's posts that's just nasty, if you haven't, you should.

it's not 'drip feeding' to give more background as a thread progresses.

When I was 26 I wanted to travel and do fun things too. And I did it - often with my boyfriend of the time - until I couldn’t anymore because we had a baby (when I was 30).

so i totally get this and you should explore AS much as you can while you are young and don’t have kids to tie you down!

but the problem is probably that your much older boyfriend is at a different stage.

grab the fun with both hands. Life gets very boring later!

Yep, I think he’s right I’m afraid.

I'd dearly love to say what I think, but I just cannot be doing with the drearily predictable 'race to the bottom' comments.

I mean this nicely but if you plan to have kids then you need to adjust your expectations. Doing that now will give you time to work out why it bugs you so much and time to work out how you will cope without big things to look forward to all the time. The daily grind. Throw yourself into renovations maybe

Fucking hate comments like this.

There will always be someone worse off than you, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to complain when you’re sad and unhappy.

“I’m sorry sir, how dare you complain about your cancer, there’s a good chance it’s curable. Some people’s isn’t, so pipe down.”

“I don’t give a shit that your ankle is aching due to the added weight-bearing caused by the loss of your other leg in that IED explosion, some people have no legs. Did you think about that?!”

OP, have you considered seeing a grief counsellor? It sounds like you've been through a lot and now we've had a bit of backstory I can't help but wonder if your need to constantly have something booked to look forward to/escape to isn't an awfully productive way of dealing with things.

I'm on a waiting list for grief counselling
At the minute if anyone mentions my nana or mam I just burst into tears so I'm dreading it.
Even tho I have my BF I feel so lost without them....I just can't get my head around that's it ..they are gone forever .

Sorry if my replies are taking a while I'm at work till 10 so just checking my phone when I have a spare minute
Sorry if I'm not responding to all questions I'm just skimming through

I’m so sorry. You have taken the first step by posting like this, you need to cry and let this all out. It isn’t healthy to hold it and postpone the pain.

I did this for about 18 months then the wheels came off the cart. I’m still getting over it. My dad has become a fitness fanatic and is constantly on you’ve guessed it - holidays! To the point where the rest of his life is a bit of a mess!!

There are people out there who will understand and the grief counselling will help - they have lots of tissues!! It may feel awful but it is the healthiest thing you can do and even though you won’t feel “better” like the person you were, life will shift to a point where you accommodate the loss and have genuine joy again.

Someone (who hasn’t lost a parent) was listening to me describe how I felt - they said “so basically it’s like inside out where family island collapses?” Admittedly Disney movies may not be the most tactful descriptor, however it is sort of what it’s like in that that part of life is gone but there is an opportunity to make peace with loss and build something new.

You will get there, even as disorientating and sad as it is. There will come a point where you can live with it, without heading for the hills. Xx

I feel so much for you, @ooohpll , especially to lose them both so close together and in your 20s. I'll be lost when my mums goes one day no matter how old I am.

Grief does get easier to bear. It's always with you, but tends to come in waves. Over the time, the force of those waves become less powerful.

It's perfectly fine to cry when you need to, as much as you need to. Eventually, your life continues to grow and expand around your grief so its no longer overwhelming.

I'm so sorry about your Mum & Nan xx

Whats the financial situation with the house?

you're 26, it's perfectly normal to want to see the world, do stuff, have fun! Do you really want to 'settle down' & play house now???

I bet she reads all of an Zoo's posts & doesn't have an empathy byosss

Well, you won't be using it for your empathy.

FMD.

It was a huge drip feed. The OP was completely different to the second post, and as a result, responses will be different.

Are you going to ignore the other posters who said the same if not worse to you or am I the only one who is to "jog on"?

No idea what FMD means - but I do have empathy for her, now.

In fact, it's that empathy which is pointing out she's drowned her own thread by writing the OP the way she did and then attacking people. Thanks though.

@minutesturntohours

Seriously, who gives a shit?

Eh?

You’re at a very different life stage to your partner. He’s pushing 40 and you’re still in your mid twenties. You should be going out and seeing things, planning things and having adventures. Especially after all you’ve had to contend with and all you’ve missed out on as a result. The idea of saving up for renovations is utterly depressing. I say make some plans. Keep your diary full and exciting. And assess whether the future looks bleak or lovely in this relationship.

Who gives a shit if she wrote the perfect mumsnet autobiographical post, or drip fed?

Does it really matter?! - We all know what state she’s in now.

So what purpose does it serve being wanky about the manner in which information was conveyed.

People who are distressed aren’t perfect communicators.

You should be going out and seeing things, planning things and having adventures.

She still is getting to do this every second weekend!