Boyfriend told me to get a grip....aibu?

[ooohpll]

I'm the type of person who always needs something coming up and something to look forward too.
We have no trips away now till beginning of September.
We have had 3 weekends away this year and came back on Sunday and went to a gig that night.
Now bf has said we need to start saving money for house renovations (which we do )
We will still have fortnightly date nights and days out but no weekends away till September then November we are going abroad.
It just seems so far away.
3 months with nothing except a meal or night out to the theatre (mamma Mia ) to break it up but that's literally the local theatre.
It's not because I'm demanding (I swear ) I just get bored of normal life and just love being out exploring.
Aibu ?
I have been trying to get a night away booked in for late July /august but bf is adamant we should spend summer months at hone.

I didn’t say gain rights over the property but have rights similar to that of a tenant.

I just don’t get the the thinking that because your boyfriend or girlfriend owned a property, you all of sudden are absolved of paying rent. Of they don’t care about you.

My thinking behind it is that the mortgage is the same cost whether the girlfriend lives there or not and it's an asset belonging solely to the boyfriend. For the same reason I don't charge my kids rent.
The benefit for the boyfriend, in a strictly financial sense is that he gets to split bills, which is a big plus if he's been paying them all as a single man.

He might be thinking of this relationship as a forever deal, which is why he thinks OP ought to pay half of everything but until she has legal rights, she shouldn't be.

He could ask the OP to put what she would normally pay as rent if living elsewhere, into savings. If they get married and share assets, he will benefit from those savings and if it all goes pear shaped, she has money to move out.

Going specifically by the OPs circumstances, I really think she'd be better off if she got some grief counselling as a priority.

My thinking behind it is that the mortgage is the same cost whether the girlfriend lives there or not and it's an asset belonging solely to the boyfriend

Thats a fair point that I hadn’t considered.

I still don’t think I’d be adverse to paying some sort of ‘rent’ on top of a share of bills. Certainly not 50% though, more of a recognition of wear and tear I suppose.

My thinking behind it is that the mortgage is the same cost whether the girlfriend lives there or not and it's an asset belonging solely to the boyfriend.

You could say the same about a landlord.

I paid my DH rent when we first moved in together but proportional to our income so not 50:50, he paid about 2/3. I did not pay for any maintenance or decorating beyond some soft furnishings that were my choice. His three bed house cost about £100 more per month than the shared room I was in so it was a win for me. We did get married and I went on the new mortgage when we moved but if we had broken up I wouldn't have been expecting a handout from his property as that money would have gone on rent anyway.

I guess I don’t see what his bills, if she wasn’t there has to do with it.

If a landlords properties are mortgage free, they don’t only charge what they pay out in fees.

He has a property. He is now sharing that space with another adult. In my opinion, she wants to use that space and live in that house, she should be paying something towards her livings costs.

If you choose not to charge your kids, that’s fine. However, rent has never been only applicable where you have a financial interest in a property.

Also op is getting to split bills. her bill would likely be quite a bit more if she was living somewhere alone.

A landlord isn't the same as a partner though. I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to profit from me, which is what happens if he gets half his mortgage paid. Sucks the romance out somewhat! Renting a house privately is a business arrangement and not comparable, since you absolutely do expect a landlord to make profit and renting does come with some legal protection.

I do agree that they both benefit from splitting bills, which is why it can be a sensible arrangement. So long as she doesn't end up paying for something she has no legal stake in.

Forgot to say, the bills are relevant because although he's sharing his space (with someone he wants to live with, not some random flatmate), he also gets to halve his council tax, water rates, utilities. Those things make it easier to pay the mortgage. Or free up cash for renovations.
In living with him and paying half of everything, to me it feels like he's benefiting more from her money than she is from his, since he owns the asset.

Use the money for counselling?! So suddenly we are all experts on how to overcome grief? People deal with grief in different ways, one of them is doing things that bring you happiness

We are not all experts. Hence the existence of counselling

I don’t disagree but there are limits.

someone may think getting bladdered every night, or heroin, or going on shopping sprees funded by credit cards, or attending the gym for several hours a day makes them happy but in fact their previous ‘happy’ activity has become a defence mechanism and is sought at the cost of other things in their life, usually to their detriment.

It’s a balance and counselling isn’t a bad way to address whether that’s been achieved.

Wow.this level of self absorbment and entitlement is pretty spectacular.

Lot of talk about the bills and rental payment OP is giving DP.

Yes it is acceptable to contribute to your living costs. And I agree that the contribution/rent towards his mortgage should be related to their individual earning power - if he is earning 60% of their joint income that should be his contribution etc.

However, it is absolutely not acceptable for her to have to contribute her money for renovations on his home. When she will have no benefit from it aside from perhaps a more pleasant living environment. In the event the house is sold or they split she’s entitled to nothing.

This is particularly unfair when it’s preventing her from putting her money towards counselling she badly needs and activities she clearly wants.

Admittedly the running away from her grief and splurging on holidays is a real problem - in the sense that she’ll suffer longer term mental health issues if grief isn’t dealt with.

However for her to have to compromise things she currently values to prop up another persons investment/financial security is totally out of line.

Really made me quite cross.

@ooohpll you are very young and seem entirely naive about this situation. Do you have any other older relatives or friends other than this boyfriend? Or has he entirely isolated you from everyone?

Do you like anything about your day-to-day life?

I would assume the problem is you dislike your day to day life? Or is it that "FOMO" - you fear if you're not doing anything big then you're missing out on life?

1. Create a life you don't need a holiday from. If you told me I'd be sitting in my home living my day to day life for the rest of my life, I'd be happy, because I love it. You need this, you can't be itching to escape from your life, this is not living.
2. You don't have to compare yourself to anyone else. You should be doing what makes you happy. Being abroad does not bring intrinsic happiness, you need to look inwards for that.

But if she wasn’t paying any rent, only bills she would be profiting from the fact that he has a house and had it before.

No a landlord and boyfriend relationship are not the same. But you are talking who gets to profit. It’s all about money. People are talking about her legal rights to the property. So it’s going down that route.

She pays rent to keep a roof over her head. The same as the majority of adults do. That is comparable. She isn’t paying for a stake in the house. She is paying to live there.

She is benefitting from his mortgage. Half his mortgage is likely to be lower than rent on her own.

I agree with op bills should always be split based on who earns what. If op earns a lot less, then I would agree she should be paying a lot less than 50%.

@Andromachehadabadday But obviously she shouldn’t be paying thousands of pounds towards renovations….. you wouldn’t pay for a new kitchen, bathroom or extension in a rented house now would you.

This is where he’s being a giant knob.

I guess one advantage to paying rent is that psychologically they will both feel it is a joint home and evens up the power imbalance a little bit. Although it's still my view that in taking rent he is profiting from her, which feels 'off' to me, since her being there doesn't cost him more and does reduce the set bills, while he still owns the asset.

But I do agree that the main thing is the renovations and not giving up everything she values in order to support someone else's financial investment.

You're paying 50% of the mortgage and saving for renovations on a property that's not yours?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You need to be on the deeds. Have you asked? Because if he says no I'd be out of there!

Aww you poor sweet thing. From your original post I was quite judgemental too. It's good that you've suggested days out like this, and he's being unreasonable saying they'd be boring. Can you join a meet-up group which does activities that you'd enjoy? It doesn't sound like he's being terrifically supportive. Sorry for your losses.