Boyfriend told me to get a grip....aibu?

[ooohpll]

I'm the type of person who always needs something coming up and something to look forward too.
We have no trips away now till beginning of September.
We have had 3 weekends away this year and came back on Sunday and went to a gig that night.
Now bf has said we need to start saving money for house renovations (which we do )
We will still have fortnightly date nights and days out but no weekends away till September then November we are going abroad.
It just seems so far away.
3 months with nothing except a meal or night out to the theatre (mamma Mia ) to break it up but that's literally the local theatre.
It's not because I'm demanding (I swear ) I just get bored of normal life and just love being out exploring.
Aibu ?
I have been trying to get a night away booked in for late July /august but bf is adamant we should spend summer months at hone.

yeah looking at your ages etc.

Some people get married, buy houses, pour their heart and soul into doing it up together in their 20s but I think that that's unusual and the age gap suggests you feel you want more fun and adventure before you settle down. I think you should consider if you want to break up, as it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are at all in sync in terms of what you want out of the relationship right now.

Condolences for your losses. In a relationship with an 11 year age gap you're going to be in different places, and you sound quite young for your age. Is this the relationship for you or would you be better off with someone your own age?

If you've been a carer through your teen years and early twenties, it sounds like you just want to catch up with all the spontaneous fun that you missed out on.

Your OP sounded like you were spending too much money but your saying that you're partner won't even go to free events, so it's not the money. If you feel like your partner is getting a bit old and grumpy then unfortunately that probably won't get any better. Some women choose to put up with that and use their friends for their social lives, but they're usually older and feel stuck due to lifestyles. It seems really sad that you're still in your mid-twenties, you should be enjoying life.

No I meant he thinks if we went to the free events we would still be spending money.
As we would go to the coast and end up in the pubs along the sea front or if we go to the free concerts we would end up buying food /drinks in there

In that case OP agree a limit with him beforehand eg a day out at the beach,with what you both agree is an acceptable limit for a budget for coffee or ice cream or whatever. Take it in cash and dont use your card and when it's gone it's gone.

Yes get a grip mind you when you end up single you will be able to book as much as you want . I couldn't cope with this sounds like VERY hard work

I thought it might be that.

Because my mum died in December. I get it.

But you do have trips planned. Date nights etc. and you will spend money at free events.

You don’t have the money to save for renovations AND do lots of things that cost money.

But the main thing is, you can’t live like this forever. As hard as it is, you need to grieve. It has to happen. At the moment you are distracting yourself. That works for a while. My aunt did the same when her mum, my Nana, died. 5 years later it hit her and she became quite poorly. Her mental health was in the floor. My advice would be to start, trying to deal with your grief.

Just wondering who pays for all these holidays and weekends away and date nights and concerts? If its him most of the time then he definitely has a point. If you pay most of the time then thats different.
I'm going to assume you live together and are renovating your house, so you probably just need to think what is more of a prioprity here for you. holidays or sorting your house out?
For him, he sounds like he is realising this lifestyle needs to change in order to secure things a bit more for the future perhaps?
And sorry, but you do come across as quite entitled and childish. your priorities seem focused solely on what YOU want and YOU having fun all the time.

Hi OP, I think you are at a different life stage to your BF - honestly what was he up to at 26? Was he sitting in all the time saving?

You have missed out on the freedom of your early 20’s - split up and live your life. You only get 1. You can settle down and renovate a house when you are older - say about 37!

This is what my life looks like now. I am saving money, not going away until November and being very frugal now. He's quite right, IMO.

I'm so sorry for your losses, that sounds incredibly difficult. Have you looked into grief counselling?

You're boyfriend is still right about this issue, no one has a money tree, but it sounds like you could use some help dealing with your grief. Maybe there are some charities where it doesn't cost no money.

*doesn't cost money 🙈

Honestly love, I think you need to go travelling - visit amazing places, go and work abroad etc. You sound like you would love it and I think you need it.

Sorry but I think you do sound demanding , thousands are relying on food banks so count yourself lucky

Omg you’re being a complete primadonna.

The priority has to be the renovations and wealth building. If you carry on you’ll look back and wonder why you’re skint later on! Give yourself financial security now and you will have greater freedoms later…. Cooling it for a few months for something important is not a big deal, what a drama.

Also if you ever have kids you can kiss goodbye to faffing about like this.

I agree with this. If you have any misgivings at all about where you and DP are in life take the opportunity to get out now. I worked in New Zealand and Australia. New Zealand was particularly easy for jobs, I just showed up at a working hostel and they sorted me out with a job (mostly farming type but it was brilliant, I never went home worried about work).

@ooohpll

1. Your boyfriend is 100% right to prioritise the renovations this will give you both a better life long term.
2. You are being a bit immature.
3. I say this with the biggest dose of kindness and as someone who lost their mother and grandmother within the space of a few months - you need to face your grief. Having all these escapist activities is all well and good but you are never going to be at peace, move on and feel better until you face how awful you’re feeling. Delayed grief response will leave you struggling for years. The best possible thing you can do for your health is see a bereavement counsellor, and spend time with friends and family talking, going on walks and facing your situation. Running away does not help you.

I'm 26 and bf is 37

No offence OP but I think this ^ is at the heart of your troubles.
Yes, some relationships with an 11 year age gap can work. But I think you need to really honestly look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what really attracted you to your boyfriend. Is it because you love him as a person, his personality, you are there to support him as an equal if he is having a bad day etc.
Or deep down is it because in your head you think he somehow has the "resources" or should be more devoted to your every want and need to become your personal "entertainment director"?

Is he much wealthier than you? Does he have stuff you do not have (eg a car? connections you do not have which mean you get to enjoy stuff you would otherwise not be able to?)

11 years is a big gap in my opinion.

Then he too needs to get a grip!

Plan days at the beac, walks, picnics, free concert with friends at the weekend, if he won’t go.

Do you own your house together / jointly?

Do you want to be ‘settled down’ and renovating?

You have had a very tough few years. Maybe you do need to have more time to assess your priorities, see wider horizons?

How far are short breaks a distraction from what you would really like to do?

Even with all the drip feeding you still sound spoiled. Get a grip op.

That's a big age gap.

You are at different stages of your life. He wants to prioritise getting settled and you want to explore and have adventures.

It is totally fine to want both but if you are to achieve either, you need to make a choice.

I'm so sorry for the loss your mum and grandma.

But I agree with PP - you can't just keep spending money in an attempt to get over their deaths - when are you going to get to the stage where you are happy without constant outings?

Who's house is it? If it is your inheritance I would be worried that if he is contributing to home improvements it will give a claim on your home if you ever break up.

He's right you need to get a grip.

You either get the house renovated or you go out lots. You can't afford both so you have to choose.

Ok already go out loads without the weekends away. If you find yourself feeling apathetic or depressed without having 'something to look forward to' that means you are unhappy with your life.

So I'd recommend changing your life until you are happier.