AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday?

[dillydally24]

Just that really. My DC is having a third birthday party which 25 other children will attend. Is it ok to ask that no gifts be given by the other children? My DC will be given a couple of significant presents by me and my DH. I find the flood of gifts for birthdays and Xmas these days completely overwhelming and I don't want it to become the norm for my DC. We already have so much.

So if this is what you were going to do anyway, why bother asking for opinions?
Cannot help thinking you are just virtue signaling TBH .
I personally woulhave accepted presents graciously and donated to the Ukraine charities which most towns have set up !

You're all right in that they probably cannot enforce it if a parent did host for a select few but it is very clear they do not approve
There's no probably about it. They cannot enforce it at all.

Can the party-giver not have fun without getting presents? Also, can the guests not have fun without party bags? Is the party not enough of an event, does it have to be boosted with gifts for everyone?

So what is the going rate for presents now? Let's say £10 each. 25 guests=£250 on presents, in addition of course to what the kid is getting from family. That's an obscene amount of money for gifts for a 3 year old.

Of course there are playdates with just a few children and I have no doubt some will fall on birthdays and include a little cake. DD has a nursery friend in school with an Aug birthday so when they had a little get together over the summer with nursery friends, just DD was there and no others from school. School doesn't care about that

It is clear the aim of the rule is to avoid someone having a big party and avoid inviting just 2-3 children in the class which causes bad feeling all round. The school succeeds in this so there is no resistance from parents

I’ve never heard of this edict from schools that the whole class must be invited. Sounds very odd, and potentially exclusionary. Does it mean the kid living in a two bed flat cannot have a party as there’s no space for 29 kids, but the ones living in big houses with big gardens can?!

@Needmorelego they would not care one bit if you did something at home with one other child in the class plus family members and friends outside of school. The intention behind the rule is pretty clear.

Unfortunately there are some people out there who are petty and would call everyone in the class except your daughter because she had not invited them to the very small gathering you had. By having this rule, behaviour like that is avoided

@prescribingmum I would hope the parents of children in a reception class are adult and mature enough to understand that not everyone would want or can afford a 30 child party.
If parents are petty about this perhaps they need to go back to reception class for a while and learn how to be nice.

@prescribingmum also what I described is hardly a 'small gathering' but just a normal size birthday party in the world I live in.

@Needmorelego you and me both but I can only assume there has been a problem in the past which instigated the rule.

Anyway I am derailing OP's thread with this so I won't mention any more

It is clear the aim of the rule is to avoid someone having a big party and avoid inviting just 2-3 children in the class which causes bad feeling all round. The school succeeds in this so there is no resistance from parents

I find it bizarre that so many parties excluding a couple of children were being held the school have attempted to police birthday parties. Where on earth do you live?
I've got four children, two in primary and the older two are adults. I wouldn't have a clue how many parties have been held that they weren't invited to.
A couple of times they've said "Lily/Freddy said I can't come to their party" and we've reminded them that parties are expensive and people have to limit numbers. They've had to do this at their own parties so it's not a new concept.
I can't imagine making a fuss at school about it.

DD has a nursery friend in school with an Aug birthday so when they had a little get together over the summer with nursery friends, just DD was there and no others from school. School doesn't care about that
. I should bloody well hope they don't!
Not calling you a liar, but I'm still convinced you've misinterpreted some sort of guideline.

@Johnnysgirl I assure you there is absolutely no room for misinterpretation. It is not hidden in a policy but was written in black and white in the paperwork given when starting reception (alongside uniform info, daily routine etc).

I read it as subject to common sense and didn't realise it was so unusual. I have heard on grapevine of cases where parents don't invite children in retaliation at other schools (no firsthand experience).

It's not come up as topic of contention on our parents groups or any meet ups either

Fair enough, so. There must be some right arses at your school, though, for such a policy to be needed.
No school in my experience has ever had parents retaliating against a child by dropping them from the guest list of their own child's party.
It doesn't mean all kids go to all parties, they just invite their friends.

I'm making assumptions here as the policy was in place before we joined. I can only assume it exists because of incident(s) in the past, especially if it is so unusual.

I've heard of parents retaliating and not inviting at other schools on the grapevine, again it's not first hand experience.

Fortunately parents of DD's classmates have been lovely so far and we've had no issues. The policy doesn't bother me, it applies for first 2 years only and we hosted a joint party in reception for the class. The next will be a smaller party for close friends after Y2

@prescribingmum I am very curious what the school can possibly think they can do though if they found out a child had a party with just half a dozen classmates?
Expel the child? Ban the parents from sports day? Say the child can't go to the Christmas disco?
Seriously.... it's none of their beeswax.

I love this for full class parties! Instead of card and present, every child must draw a picture / sticker art / playdo character / whatever for the birthday child and put their name on it, plus group birthday child parties. I'm going to be suggesting this to the YR class group before September!

Rather amusingly I am getting ads for Build a Bear Parties on this thread

I think it’s a great idea , and much better for the planet to have less plastic crap bought. 3 is far to young to care or even have an interest in opening that many gifts. We have done similar 😊

DD's school has a rule that if having a party in Reception and Y1, it must be a whole class party. I feel it is fair as avoids all bad feelings at this young age where friendships are transient but of course, it means hosting for up to 30 once siblings are added in. They have all been soft play/bouncy castle/entertainer party and usually hosted by more than one family where birthdays are close together.
Do you live in an affluent area @prescribingmum ?@prescribingmum ? This seems ludicrous to me. You can only have a party with school friends if you can afford to pay hundreds? My friend looked into booking soft play party for the whole class, at nearly £400. DS wanted to go bowling for him. At £10 a head. He got to invite 7 school friends.

I agree. I couldn't afford a party for the whole class. Quite apart from the stress and work involved in hosting dozens of kids, and the responsibility of looking after them!
I also wouldn't want my children to attend 20+ parties a year.
I am glad parties are usually small where we live. DC1 once didn't get invited to a party of a boy he was friends with and was quite disappointed. I felt very sad for him but we both got over it.

@dillydally24 we did this in April for my DS’s 3rd birthday. I put a note on the invitations as a little poem at the bottom. He still ended up with SO MUCH STUFF 🤣🥴
I definitely think it’s acceptable and did a sigh of relief when a couple of invites we got said the same thing.

My friend did a bday party for her son and each child was asked to bring a wrapped book with them, these were then given out to all the children at the end - a lovely idea!! And no flood of presents for the birthday child (I agree it's overwhelming, our kids have too much STUFF these days!!!) :)

They're the greatest con going.
Dd went to one years ago, and the "party" consisted of the children being escorted by staff round the shelves choosing the accessories (and being egged on to choose right up to the parent's agreed budget ), queuing to get the bear stuffed, and posing for a group photo with the bears.
I think they sang Happy Birthday too, but the shop was obviously open to all other customers as well so it was total chaos.
The child's parents were rightly rooked, IMO.

Can't vote as on the app but YANBU and everyone on this thread saying that you are being mean to your child are idiots, he is 3 ffs.

Why on Earth would anyone want to receive 25 individual gifts for a 3 year old, which will more than likely be plastic shite from B&M.

I know exactly how you feel because I like to be as minimalist as possible and feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of presents that people buy my kids at Christmas and birthdays. Luckily my own DF listens to my requests for clothes vouchers etc but FIL is terrible for buying as much crap as possible.

Every Christmas and birthday I screen most of my toddlers presents and then donate them, if you have a bit of storage space then my advice is to put them away and then wait for the Christmas toy appeals, they really appreciate the donations, particularly when the toys are still in the packaging, I would much rather give the toys to families who literally can't afford anything (even more pertinent at the moment given the cost of living crisis)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Some parents will send gifts anyway. Honestly, he's 3 and probably will not notice, especially if he has your gifts to open at the party.
I know my opinion is unpopular, but this is not unusual where I live. We are also moving away from over the top goody bags and parties. All the over the top parties seem to be more about the parents competing than the kids having fun. Kids need to know how to make their own fun. Pizza, games and a jumpy are the best parties. For those saying it's not about you, in my experience, the kids are too distracted by the sight of the gifts to have fun. The party is about him having fun with his friends. Keep it simple.