AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday?

[dillydally24]

Just that really. My DC is having a third birthday party which 25 other children will attend. Is it ok to ask that no gifts be given by the other children? My DC will be given a couple of significant presents by me and my DH. I find the flood of gifts for birthdays and Xmas these days completely overwhelming and I don't want it to become the norm for my DC. We already have so much.

[TheRoadToRuin]

If he was one or two I would agree. However at three he will know it's the norm to get presents.
Keep them all to the end of the party.
Make sure you note down who gave what.
Put 80% away and let him open the rest.
The remainder you can either re-gift or bring them out when a new toy, reward or distraction is warranted.

[dillydally24]

Should have said: @prescribingmum , I am so on your page.

[BuenaVistaAntisocialClub]

Requesting no gifts is one of those things that may seem pragmatic and sensible to you but is actually quite a big deal.

When I studied social anthropology there was a big focus on gift-giving in cultures around the world. And how it’s a central social tie, and one of the aspects of virtually every society. To try and change the norms of gift giving in a society can be really disruptive for everyone involved.

There’s a reason gifts are traditionally given and received, and I for one would feel really awkward going to a party for a 3 year old without a gift for them. I’d probably panic at the last minute and buy something cheap, like some sweets or something, in lieu of a proper gif anyway.

[Bunnycat101]

It’s a bit tricky if you don’t know the parents but at school there are starting to be more joint gifts at parties so the child gets a bigger toy rather than lots of smaller things. That is working really well and reduces some of the quantity issues while allowing the child to get something they might not have otherwise had.

[Needmorelego]

All these posts about 'to much consumerism' and 'think of the planet dying in a mountain of tat' etc are valid points but really a good change in attitude would be to stop having these ridiculous large parties. No 3 year needs 25 other kids at a party.
I took my daughter to some soft play/rent a church hall type parties a couple of times. Often my daughter never even saw the birthday child or played with them because there was sometimes 40 children there all running around screeching.
Gift was placed on a table (taken home today open later - or going by these posts given to a charity shop) so didn't even get to give the gift to the birthday child.
Thankfully my daughter began to hate these parties so she stopped wanting to go.

[MintJulia]

It's a bit joyless and sad isn't it.

my ds always loved choosing presents for his little friends. I'd turn him loose in the market with a budget of £5 and he was very good.

He won't be the hopeless man who sends his wife shopping for own stuff in 20 years time. It's how they learn.

[WishingOnAStar21]

@prescribingmum

@StoppinBy this would be the ultimate sin on MN where it is considered extremely grabby to consider asking for what is wanted and needed.

You cannot win, if you specify no gifts, it is rude and no-one wants to come empty handed. According to many PP you are also cruel and denying your child the opportunity to open presents and receive endless stuff that they do not need🙄. If you say money only, you are asking for gifts and that is grabby and rude. If you say nothing, you end up with stuff you need to find a new home for (and usually still ends up in landfill within the next year)....

My personal opinion when hosting (for adults or children) is that the cost of hosting is on me and I do not expect anything in return for doing so. I have invited people because I/my child enjoys their company and that is all I would like. If they feel they must bring something, a consumable item is perfect. When we end up hosting a children's party alone, I will be asking for books or a consumable item

Spot on!

[prescribingmum]

@BuenaVistaAntisocialClub this thread indicates how much gift giving is ingrained into us but I just can't understand why it is then so rude/grabby to say that 'if you are planning to bring a gift, we would much rather a contribution towards...'

Personally I would much rather you gave the small bag of sweets as the gift than a cheap toy that will take up space/fall apart quickly.

@Needmorelego DD's school has a rule that if having a party in Reception and Y1, it must be a whole class party. I feel it is fair as avoids all bad feelings at this young age where friendships are transient but of course, it means hosting for up to 30 once siblings are added in. They have all been soft play/bouncy castle/entertainer party and usually hosted by more than one family where birthdays are close together. I personally can't find much to fault in this - even if my child does not play with the birthday child, they are with friends and have fun. I don't view the hosting itself as mass consumerism - it is the decorations (increasingly excessive if social media is anything to go by but this is fortunately not a reflection of the parties we've attended), presents, take home gifts etc which make it crazy. Hosting their friends/class in a running soft play, paying for their meal and giving them a slice of cake is a great birthday celebration for a young child

[Johnnysgirl]

just can't understand why it is then so rude/grabby to say that 'if you are planning to bring a gift, we would much rather a contribution towards...'
Because it's always a bit gauche to try to translate a possible gift into cold hard cash. It's not particularly logical, but it just is.

[RachelAMpls]

The child will be at a PARTY with friends, and probably cake and ice cream. Nothing sad about that. Teaching your child that happiness comes from material objects is sad.

[user1471538283]

Oh do! I used to regularly ask for either no gifts or maybe a pound for my DS's piggy bank. He used to get so many coloring books and crayons. All my DS wanted was his friends at his party. He would have been happy with a chocolate bar if anything. A lot of the presents didn't get opened until much later and it is overwhelming to have so much when you are small.

I think it's a great idea particularly when people are struggling so much. And for them to give and you then donate seems a waste of money.

We had a thread recently about a mother worried that she couldn't provide a present for a birthday party and so many said please just go! Parties are just about the people!

[Johnnysgirl]

You actually asked for a contribution to your child's piggy bank?!

[AmyDudley]

I don't see anything wrong with saying no gifts, And I'm sure your DS will be quite happy with the gifts he gets from you and not expect any more. I think we underestimate children - they are quite capable of understanding that different families do things differently, and that some children will have presents at their parties and some won't.

I think letting people bring gifts and then donating them to charity is quite rude. Some people struggle to afford birthday gifts for childrens parties, to then just get rid of their present is crass in my opinion. Don't ask them to spend the money in the first place.
My kids used to enjoy making up party bags for thier guests and handing them out - small children like giving gifts as well as getting them.

People make a huge fuss about children going without and you being mean - and its ridiculous, a well loved child getting presents from his parents and having a party is not a child who is missing out. When there are children in this country and abroad in dire straits, then it is a ridiculous and slightly obscene attitude. I think you are very sensible to limit the gift giving and concentrate on your DS having a wonderful fun day with his friends.

[Needmorelego]

@prescribingmum how on earth can a school dictate what a person does for their child's birthday. It's none of their business who gets invited to a child's birthday party. How would they even know?

[Johnnysgirl]

DD's school has a rule that if having a party in Reception and Y1, it must be a whole class party
Are you sure you haven't misunderstood? It's common for teachers to refuse to either hand out invitations themselves or allow them to be handed out on the premises if all children aren't included, for obvious reasons.

[AllTheMonacles]

DD's school has a rule that if having a party in Reception and Y1, it must be a whole class party. I feel it is fair
How is it fair and how on earth is it enforced?
Two of my DC's birthdays are always during school holidays, the school would have no idea who was or wasn't invited.

[ddl1]

@Needmorelego

@prescribingmum how on earth can a school dictate what a person does for their child's birthday. It's none of their business who gets invited to a child's birthday party. How would they even know?

It's only their business if the child or parents use the school as a venue for handing out invitations.

[Turnthatoff]

I’m in favour of a no gift policy. I did it a couple of times. When my kids were invited to a no-gift party I’d get them to draw a picture or something. The last time was for a 6th birthday party.

[stuntbubbles]

Tbh DD just had her 3rd birthday party and all the kids who came were so fucking excited to hand over a wrapped gift like it was the best thing that had ever happened to them. And everyone gave sensible things, we’ve used them all: colouring books, activity books, etc, that can be used and recycled, or books, or cardboard puzzles. No single-use plastic, no onslaught of stuff with little bits. House didn’t feel suddenly full of crap, it was fine.

[wouldthatbeworse]

I think it’s fine at 3. Half the guests will bring something anyway.For 4 I’d suggest a smaller party as by then DC will notice.

[prescribingmum]

No it does not just include invites handed out at school. They are fully aware that there is a parents Whatsapp group and all invites go out on there rather than on paper.

You're all right in that they probably cannot enforce it if a parent did host for a select few but it is very clear they do not approve and have requested for parties to be whole class parties or nothing in the first 2 years. Parents have obliged and got together with others with birthdays at the same time as no-one wants to be that parent who has rebelled. It has achieved the aim of no-one hosting for majority and leaving just a few out so I would say it is effective

[dillydally24]

@AmyDudley Thanks. My thoughts exactly.

[bumpytrumpy]

Having a party and then requesting no gifts is incongruous.

If you're that bothered about the environment / being overwhelmed / indulgent culture then skip the show off party.

[bumpytrumpy]

@prescribingmum

No it does not just include invites handed out at school. They are fully aware that there is a parents Whatsapp group and all invites go out on there rather than on paper.

You're all right in that they probably cannot enforce it if a parent did host for a select few but it is very clear they do not approve and have requested for parties to be whole class parties or nothing in the first 2 years. Parents have obliged and got together with others with birthdays at the same time as no-one wants to be that parent who has rebelled. It has achieved the aim of no-one hosting for majority and leaving just a few out so I would say it is effective

This is fascinating!

Does it extend to banning small group play dates? Sharing childcare after school? What if 1 child goes to another's and it just happens to be their birthday?
When is a party not a party... sounds like rules written by government advisors with nothing better today.
I'd expect a school to have higher priorities than trying (and no doubt failing) to police childrens social life outside of school. I have no doubt at all that there are under the radar WhatsApp groups for parties and get togethers.

[Needmorelego]

@prescribingmum I still can't believe a school can even attempt to say whole class parties only.
When I was a child my birthday parties often consisted of children like me (obviously), my cousin (who lived elsewhere) a couple of friends from the street who went to a different school, my best friend who was at my school but in the year below, my older sister, my older sisters best mate and a couple of friends from my actual class....
I wouldn't have wanted 29 other children at my parties - especially children I wasn't actually friends with. My parents wouldn't have had the space or money.
The same with my daughter. The biggest party we ever did was 7 children invited and even that was too overwhelming for her.