AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday?

[dillydally24]

Just that really. My DC is having a third birthday party which 25 other children will attend. Is it ok to ask that no gifts be given by the other children? My DC will be given a couple of significant presents by me and my DH. I find the flood of gifts for birthdays and Xmas these days completely overwhelming and I don't want it to become the norm for my DC. We already have so much.

I have two sets of twins. Parties I always say optional gifts especially as we have a large family who give gifts to. No one opens gifts at our parties. We're always overwhelmed as people as so kind. Any duplicates or things I know they'd maybe not care for all go in my pile for FIND for charity donations at Christmas. Just donate to places or people if it's to much but don't subtlety so your child doesn't notice of course ☺️

Still not about you.

My kids enjoyed choosing presents and loved opening their own.

And maybe some will just put money in a card.

Let it be

(Oh, and a lot of parents will ignore you anyway)

If your child wants to donate. They're not your presents

Your wedding, your choice.

His birthday, his choice

I think this is really mean.

Let your child enjoy being a child - life is miserable enough without depriving them of gifts, and joyous moments like the innocence of children's birthday parties.

Most of the gifts will be nice and your DC may really like them - donate any to charity if you or DC don’t like them. Your child won’t grow up spoilt because they get some birthday presents. Give the poor kid a break.

It's a tricky one, I'm with you on disliking the huge amounts of stuff we have. OTOH it's nice for gift givers; DS is 4 and always quite sure of what a friend wants, and so far he's been correct (feelings are obvious at this age). There is also one child who finds it important to personally give a gift and watch it be opened, because that's the process.

No presents feels mean for attendees and child, but 25 is ridiculous, especially at only 3yo. In an ideal world, it would be nice if the kids could group together to get a few thoughtful gifts, say 5 instead of 25! If you know the parents well, could you suggest to some groups of friends that they group together to choose a small gift?
You can definitely say "no gift required, but if your child wants to give something small...", then direct ideas to something small and say secondhand is fine. I would say to give different suggestions to different people when it's so many, unless it's something that must be small when low cost such as Lego. You could suggest things that have a natural home e.g. a book / art supplies / jigsaw 25 - 50 piece / clothing age 3 / hair accessories / etc.

*Your wedding, your choice.

His birthday, his choice*

The child is getting a party with 25 of his friends, with entertainment and I imagine decorations etc, he's not paying for it and not exactly hard done by!

I read on here about kids parties in Canada called “ Two-sies” where guests don’t bring a present but give $2 each towards a bigger present ( or savings i imagine). They had a box near the door where the money could be posted. I thought it was a great idea and the child still gets the pleasure of choosing a nice toy / experience

Apologies to any Canadians if any of that is incorrect.

Most kids will want to keep everything or at least open it first.

I'd not be putting the decision into a 3 yos hands over what is kept and what if anything is getting moved on. Hes not in charge of the cupboards or organising the toy storage, Doubles, too similar to what he has move it on in the best condition for the charity shop to sell it.

Awful idea - you child will realise he gives presents to his friends on their birthday yet has received nothing back. My 3 year old would realise it is odd to turn up to a party without a gift and probably would say something to the party child about them having no presents.

Op depending on the charity shops some who are chains move stuff around anyway. They may also put toys into storage to put out nearer Christmas time so wouldn't worry about going futher afield.

YANBU, the waste is awful and it's so easy to teach a child that their party IS a gift, especially after a lovely morning with family opening one or two special presents.

The only thing is that you will have to suggest a cheap & easy alternative on the invitation, as it's too uncomfortable to arrive empty-handed.

Don't be ridiculous! He's three years old and doesn't have a choice. I am his parent and it's my responsibility to make his choices for him. That's the main job of a parent. Should I also let him choose what he eats for dinner, where he goes to school, what television he gets to watch? Silliest comment on the thread.

Perfectly reasonable. And admirable. I don’t think a 3 year old will remember previous birthdays and expect gifts.
The huge amount of stuff I’ve seen at dgc parties has made me weep. So much plastic, and most of it made in China.

I hope you start a new trend OP with parents of your child's friends following suit. The waste is appalling and 25 presents is far too many for a 3 year old (or anyone really).

The family of my DD's (24) boyfriend don't do Christmas presents, they give to charity. They are all really involved with environmental/sustainability issues.
Since being with him DD has hardly bought any new clothes, preferring charity shops, though I note she still likes to get some Christmas presents from us. I do give him something small too, like a book, it feels too mean not to, but usually wrapped in pre-used paper!

So start as you mean to go on, you won't regret it.

Just be prepared for sticking to your guns about not giving your child's friends presents when going to their parties.

I used to insist on my children making the birthday card for their friends - half an hour or so keeping them occupied, saving on money and waste and making them think about their friend.
They still mostly make cards for family Christmas/birthdays. I have a huge stash DH refuses to throw away.

You could maybe do a request for a book for his party, I have friends who asked for ‘you don’t need to bring a gift just yourself, but if you’d like to bring one a book would be lovely’ and it went down well, for a christening and one friend did it for her little ones 2nd birthday. Or say craft stuff - put in a big storage box and eek it out over the year for rainy days!

@VestaTilley

Let your child enjoy being a child - life is miserable enough without depriving them of gifts, and joyous moments like the innocence of children's birthday parties.

Err, what a weird comment. I am not depriving him of gifts or a birthday party. He will get some really love gifts from me, DH and close family (e.g., grandparents). And he'll get a birthday party which 25 of his nursery and playgroup friends will attend. They will have a fabulous time. All I'm suggesting is that I curtail the number of presents he receives as 25 is a huge amount and (in my view) completely overwhelming and unnecessary.

My child loves receiving presents but values receiving a few things she loves.

She gets overwhelmed and uninterested with 25 presents which consist of plastic bracelets, hairbands, low quality puzzles, toy kits where things quickly fall apart, felt tips which run out etc

She also loves choosing and giving presents to her close friends - all 25 children at the party would not fit into this category

You won't get 25 rubbish presents though. You'll get some books, some puzzles, some parents will text to see what you'd like.

When both mine were 3 it was mainly books, clothes, one big study plastic truck that is still played with years later, crafts and my eldest got a lunch box from an NCT friend at 3 she still uses and she's almost 8!

The thing I love about gifts from nursery/ school friends are the things I wouldn't have considered buying like when someone got Hama beads when my daughter was 4- I hadn't thought about them as a toy and she still plays with them now (although we've bought her more since).

Occasionally we keep things aside to regift/ use for a raffle or give to charity. I wouldn't worry about parents spotting stuff in the charity shop. How likely is it they'll see it and have bought you something so unique that they know it's the one they bought you?

For my sons birthday is asked people to gift him things for outdoor play-conkers, pinecones, shells, stones etc. he's got enough plastic fantastic stuff and loves all the above mentioned things / considers them 'treasures' so it's a win win. We've got him a mud kitchen and a few bits for the garden so he can use all his new 'toys' out there and his wee pals can collect these things on their own too.

YANBU. Why not? We all have too much STUFF we don't need. Much better for your son, and for the planet. He’ll have a special day anyway, although so many children for a party seems a bit overwhelming, but they’re your nerves!😊
I don’t agree with donating or regifting in the manner suggested by some, better that people don’t spend money on tat in the first place….giving away a gift that someone has spent time and money on selecting, knowing you were going to regift it immediately, doesn’t sit right with me.

Or alternatively we have asked for books in a certain series that he doesn't have any in e.g. he's starting to get into Mo Willems so any of the Elephant and Piggy etc I think people feel odd not giving a gift but if it's something he actually needs / will use then I feel comfortable enough to give people a little direction

Your wedding, your choice.

His birthday, his choice

I absolutely despise these comments as the child would not be receiving the presents if the parents were not holding the party in the first place 🙄
Many young children will get excited and want to keep it all when they open, then swiftly forget. Many families also do not have space for so many things in their home

I would never dream of choosing what happens to a gift given by a grandparent/immediate family on their behalf. That is entirely the child's choice but when hosting a big party and receiving so many gifts, it is my place as the parent to step in and consider how much we can realistically keep. Fortunately my children have little interest in the gifts and party bags but they are the minority

He's only 3 and I don't think 2 gifts sounds like a lot. Even if they're really expensive gifts he won't realise at that age. I do completely understand your view that it's wasteful and you don't want too much stuff but I do think he'd absolutely love opening gifts on the day. I think I'd just accept the gifts, keep a few of the best ones and give the remaining gifts to charity or a children's hospital. You could also keep them to give to other children for their birthdays (keep a note of who gave what so you don't give the same gift back!). We've done that lots of times!

But surely it is our job as parents to guide them away from that expectation then? I don't want my child to only be happy if they have a mound of gifts to open, regardless of what they are.

As I said, I am not anti presents at all and I think a suggestion of books (for example) as a gift still gives a lot of scope for smaller spend for those who struggle to afford all these gifts for parties, and the birthday child gets to open lots of gifts and feel special.

If parties with 20+ kids is the new norm, there has to be a middle ground somewhere when it comes to gifts.