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AIBU?

AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday?

235 replies

dillydally24 · 07/06/2022 09:23

Just that really. My DC is having a third birthday party which 25 other children will attend. Is it ok to ask that no gifts be given by the other children? My DC will be given a couple of significant presents by me and my DH. I find the flood of gifts for birthdays and Xmas these days completely overwhelming and I don't want it to become the norm for my DC. We already have so much.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

427 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
55%
You are NOT being unreasonable
45%
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/06/2022 14:30

Most parties we’ve been to form 3-6 year olds have said no presents, or someone collects a donation and they get one more expensive present
I would hate my kids to get 25 presents

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GlitteryGreen · 07/06/2022 14:41

I just think there has to surely be a new solution now that children are often having (and encouraged to have) whole class parties, which was not the norm previously?

I am surprised at how many people here don't think 20+ presents just from friends alone is excessive, especially when it's multiplied by each child in a class. That's so many and so much waste!

It must be such a pain in the arse for buying parents too...I'd much rather there was some kind of dedicated birthday parties site that everyone used where you could gift a few pounds for each birthday...so much easier and the birthday boy/girl can put it towards something they really would like. On top of getting gifts from close friends and family of course, so they'd still have 'proper' gifts to open.

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Cartoonmom · 07/06/2022 14:50

No gifts is pretty typical at my kid's school (US, east coast). The invitation normally says something like your presence is the best present - no gifts please. Most people listen. Kids who don't bring a gift will normally bring a card though.

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GarageGalore · 07/06/2022 15:02

Because people have different days/times at nursery, at 3 was definitely not having a full 'class' party had about 10-12 kids and had to ask staff which children they played with (I knew a couple but not 10 of them). For the first few years I gave mine secondhand presents, if it is what I thought they would like/enjoy, they wouldn't notice/care and saved me money and recycling.

You lot must be minted the amount of brand new stuff you give to charity. I don't get why you wouldn't regift, saves money. (I still give stuff to charity, it has just been used)
I did two or 3 years of full class parties reception/yr1 (possibly yr2) when dc were frequently changing friendship groups.

Maybe you could ask for recycled presents, would ease your concern about being green/affordability/give 3 yo a present (at 3 they won't know)

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mrssunshinexxx · 07/06/2022 15:07

How old is he @dillydally24 can you explain about asking for donations for a chosen charity instead?

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DogsAndGin · 07/06/2022 15:10

I completely agree with you. It’s a huge pile of wasteful, plastic tat, all made in China, and doesn’t teach the child anything at all.

But, I just don’t think it’s feasible to reasonably request no presents. Maybe don’t invite as many children next time. Or, put all the presents on a table when people come in, and clear most of them away before DC sees them.

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motogirl · 07/06/2022 15:22

Our local food bank takes gifts suitable for children to give to struggling families for birthdays, ask if yours does

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GADDay · 07/06/2022 15:28

Agree with you OP. I think it's fine to ask for no gifts.

No child needs 25 gifts - wrong on every level.

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Wor · 07/06/2022 15:48

I have a friend like you. She finds the presents overwhelming and dislikes the waste and consumerism.

Her children don’t feel that way. Her DH doesn’t feel that way. The grandparents and friends do not feel that way. She triumphantly insists that her child may only have two presents for Christmas and congratulates herself on her ethical living. She does not see how sad this makes her child and those around them.

You find the flood of presents overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean you get to dictate to those around you.

YABU.

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MotherWol · 07/06/2022 15:58

YANBU at all, but this is Mumsnet where you’ll be told you’re depriving your child of a giant pile of generic stuff they don’t need. Most of the whole class parties DD gets invited to say ‘no gifts’ on the invite, it’s fine and the kids still have a great time.

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GlitteryGreen · 07/06/2022 16:03

Wor · 07/06/2022 15:48

I have a friend like you. She finds the presents overwhelming and dislikes the waste and consumerism.

Her children don’t feel that way. Her DH doesn’t feel that way. The grandparents and friends do not feel that way. She triumphantly insists that her child may only have two presents for Christmas and congratulates herself on her ethical living. She does not see how sad this makes her child and those around them.

You find the flood of presents overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean you get to dictate to those around you.

YABU.

But OP is specifically talking in the context of this party, where he could potentially receive 20+ gifts.

She has said he will still receive gifts from his family, so still plenty.

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shivawn · 07/06/2022 16:15

If you want to ask for no gifts then do, it'll probably make things a bit awkward for some people but I don't really think it's too unreasonable.

Having a breakdown or crying over receiving too many gifts doesn't sound healthy at all. I can only imagine how difficult life is for anyone (havent read the whole thread but there was at least one other poster) with such extreme reactions to minor issues.

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yikesanotherbooboo · 07/06/2022 16:31

I don't think one or two year olds need presents from any one but unless your three year old is very sheltered his is likely to assume that presents are part of the deal.
I also don't think it is up to you to tell guests what they can and can't bring. It is rather like those threads where mothers want to dictate the colour or style of gifts that their in-laws buy for their DC. It's rather bad mannered.I'm sure that we are all in agreement about the nuisance value and damage to the planet of all the rubbish gifts but I think it needs to be done gradually and more for the older children who can be reasoned with.little children love rubbishy things don't forget.

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Youseethethingis1 · 07/06/2022 16:32

Having a breakdown or crying over receiving too many gifts doesn't sound healthy at all. I can only imagine how difficult life is for anyone (haven't read the whole thread but there was at least one other poster) with such extreme reactions to minor issues
In my case, it was the feeling of other people imposing huge amounts of things on my home that we have neither the use nor the space for that tipped me over the edge into tears, as if I don't even get a say on what is in my home (that inevitably will be my job to sort/store/bin/tidy/regift/whatever) then what hope have I got with the more important things stressing me out?

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GlitteryGreen · 07/06/2022 16:48

If you want to ask for no gifts then do, it'll probably make things a bit awkward for some people but I don't really think it's too unreasonable.

I also don't think it is up to you to tell guests what they can and can't bring. It is rather like those threads where mothers want to dictate the colour or style of gifts that their in-laws buy for their DC. It's rather bad mannered.

I don't really get either of these comments - these are just parents of other children at OP's son's nursery...surely not people who are actually invested and want to give her child a gift due to a personal relationship between them? Completely different to trying to dictate gifts/no gifts from family.

I wouldn't find it awkward/rude if a party invite from my child's nursery/school friend specified no gifts - I'd just be glad not to have to buy another gift!

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UpInSpace11 · 07/06/2022 17:04

Op I hope you will take from this, that more people agree with you than don't and what you're saying/doing is very forward thinking. Like someone else said, those of us who would do the same, need to start the trend for others to follow. It's about not being materialistic and taking responsibility for waste and the environment.

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Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 17:08

UpInSpace11 · 07/06/2022 17:04

Op I hope you will take from this, that more people agree with you than don't and what you're saying/doing is very forward thinking. Like someone else said, those of us who would do the same, need to start the trend for others to follow. It's about not being materialistic and taking responsibility for waste and the environment.

I doubt this is a trend that will catch on.

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dillydally24 · 07/06/2022 17:13

UpInSpace11 · 07/06/2022 17:04

Op I hope you will take from this, that more people agree with you than don't and what you're saying/doing is very forward thinking. Like someone else said, those of us who would do the same, need to start the trend for others to follow. It's about not being materialistic and taking responsibility for waste and the environment.

Except the votes indicate that most people think I am being unreasonable! However the voices out there who say I am not have been persuasive in convincing me that this is the right thing to do. I cannot bear the idea of my 3-year old receiving 25 presents (in addition to those gifted by close family). It's just a bit gross for so many reasons. I am going to request no presents at this party and all future parties. I set the trend with my wedding and I am going to stick with it. I hope others will follow suit.

OP posts:
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GlitteryGreen · 07/06/2022 17:21

I'm with you @dillydally24

I never even realised it was a thing to invite so many to birthdays nowadays, but since being on MN I can see it's now becoming the norm, so to me the gifting thing has to change, it's just far too much for a child to receive.

I would happily say no gifts, or just request a copy of the friend's favourite book, or even a pack of sweets each that could be doled out gradually. Or just cards! There is no way I'd want my child receiving 20+ gifts from one party, on top of everything received from family.

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MotherOfCrocodiles · 07/06/2022 17:34

Argh, don't donate his gifts!

I bought a play doh set as a birthday present for a 3yo who had enjoyed playing with play doh at our house. A few weeks later the kids were playing at our house with play doh and the mum said, oh, dc loves play doh, we don't have any at home. Presumably because they donated it despite it being a carefully chosen and not inexpensive gift that their dc would have liked. Yay for them.

Bit pissed off I wasted the money tbh and sad for the kid.

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ControlMeasures · 07/06/2022 17:35

I would far rather you said "no gifts" than donated something I'd spent £5-10 on straight to the charity shop. If I found that out, I would be pretty irritated.

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megletthesecond · 07/06/2022 17:36

Yanbu. I wish I'd done this before DS's all class reception year party. I could hardly get everything in the boot.

Why not ask for charity donations instead?

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Josoliesmlaurdog · 07/06/2022 17:42

Do you have a local collection point for the Ukraine refugee…take along some of the presents for children that will really benefit.

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jessicaemily · 07/06/2022 18:10

I think that's a horrid idea. Why would you want to make your child feel different from the others?

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Fupoffyagrasshole · 07/06/2022 18:13

Sure look I was attacked on here before for saying my daughter has 1 small box of toys and it’s a 1 in 1 our policy and that we take books out of the library rather than have heaps of stuff at home - someone actually said she felt sorry for my daughter having such a sad childhood 🤷‍♀️😂

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