AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday?

[dillydally24]

Just that really. My DC is having a third birthday party which 25 other children will attend. Is it ok to ask that no gifts be given by the other children? My DC will be given a couple of significant presents by me and my DH. I find the flood of gifts for birthdays and Xmas these days completely overwhelming and I don't want it to become the norm for my DC. We already have so much.

I don't think many people would have that interpretation, but perhaps I'm wrong.

Dont say no gifts- people feel uncomfortable or worse assume cash
dont ask for a donation to anything
teach your child not to expect gifts and tell them they are lucky to receive anything
let your child open them all (thats the run), then put a load aside- i recently gave two xmas presents unopened to the school summer fair to raffle

Sorry, but you almost certainly are wrong.

That's a really good idea.

This is what we do. My MiL starts buying Christmas presents from January and literally buys 20+ gifts per child. Like you OP I find it really overwhelming and often the gifts were inappropriate age-wise or things he'd already been bought by her before. We politely asked her to tone it down a little but this had no impact, so at that point I took a lesson from Marie Kondo's book. I realised that the gifts had served their purpose (fulfilling her desire to give gifts) and we wouldn't be doing anyone any favours by keeping them unloved in a cupboard somewhere. As soon as I made that link I found it much easier to donate unwanted/ needed gifts to charity shops.

I can't believe so many people have an issue with this, I'm really surprised!!

Does anybody genuinely like their children to receive 20+ presents (of tat, likely)??

I think asking for no gifts is fine, or if not I'd potentially suggest books?

I think you're being completely REASONABLE - 3 year olds don't need and can't manage 25 crappy gifts.

You could suggested £1 from each child for his money box - he might have fun posting each £1 coin through the slot?

Otherwise just accept the deluge of plastic trash gracefully and regift when the other 25 birthdays come round :-)

That's not how little children's minds work.

All of the posters saying 'who wants piles of crap???' and '25 pieces if tat' are why I think it's a bit rude to ban presents. It feels like you're saying that your guests can't be trusted to buy something nice and appropriate. If you don't give any instructions with regard to presents, no banning or requests of cash only, then you let parents buy to their own budget.

I think people who are really concerned about the environmental impact probably have much smaller parties?

But truly, the amount of threads I have read on here where people say they usually spend around £5 (definitely less than £10) on birthday presents for classmates unless they are best friends is so numerous. That's not to say all £5 gifts will be rubbish of course, but let's face it, there isn't much you can get for that these days and add in multiple parties through the year and it's likely not to be anything truly useful/wanted.

I do agree with you on the big parties though and think that's a huge part of the problem. When I was younger, birthday parties were about 6 people max, so you'd receive a handful of gifts and excess was never a problem. The trend of whole class parties has definitely created this issue.

Hi OP,

When my son had a joint party with another boy (whole class invited) I was worried parents might resent buying two gifts or decide not to come because of gifts. We put a note on a little slip of paper in the invitation

There’s no need to bring a present,
We just want you to come along,
but if at all,
please keep it small,
’cause our party is all about fun!

I think it worked well as some came with just a card/ nothing and we had a mix of presents and some were small such as a bag of sweets or a small amount of £ in a card (e.g. £3).

It would be nice in the current climate to take the pressure off gift buying but I wouldn’t ban them completely. I think your child might feel that is unfair.

But truly, the amount of threads I have read on here where people say they usually spend around £5 (definitely less than £10) on birthday presents for classmates unless they are best friends is so numerous

Children don't understand or care about the value of presents though. The fun is in recieving them, opening them, and having something new and shiny. That's why it's so mean for a parent to ask for no presents because they find them annoying to deal with, or because they consider them "tat".

I think of course YANBU but from the range of replies here you’re going to have to try to figure out which side of the fence most it your peer group fall - height of rudeness(!) or perfectly fine to request presents?!

I can actually think of nothing more unreasonable than 25 presents likely from Flying Tiger or somewhere equally plasticky.

One of my favourite traditions from our school is that since the start one parent added the request for no-presents but if you really wanted to then to throw a fiver a card. This has filtered through all years and younger siblings and takes a lot of stress and waste out of parties.

I know this approach is sacrilege to some, and it’s not a hard and fast rule, some still give gifts (I suspect they are actually regifts lol), but I think it works really well.

And one of the nicest aspects I’ve found in our school is that the tradition evolved to also include a handmade card by the kids. This was never requested it just kind of evolved that way. So if my DD is going to a party for group in her class (it’s all joint parties here too!) our prep is a few fivers, and she sits down an hour before and makes some lovely cards. I recently bought a plain white card-making kit, but could also be A4 page folded over….

But obv it’s going to depend on how
you think your group will feel about it!

Yanbu! They don't need 20 gifts and it's one less worry for the other parents, especially considering the cost of living crisis. Personally I'd write on the invite, please no gifts but a handmade picture/card would be perfect

Part of the fun of a birthday at that age is opening the presents. Just sift through later and put some aside for regifting. Pop a postit on each saying who they're from so you don't give them back to the giver.

The trick here is to ask for stuff you would buy anyway, if the parents ask what they like. Drawing stuff, clothes, arts and crafts things, toys for the beach, colouring books/paper, water bottle, gift card to the zoo, maybe a picture of your kid with their friend in a frame, face paints, board games. Those sorts of things.

I hear you about the environmental impact and the relentless stuff. The good news is that it gets much easier quite quickly! My oldest is eight and it has already subsided a lot.

If you say gifts are optional people will take that to mean they can buy something very small.

You can put no gifts but you're likely to get gifts. And if you want to donate them, donate them wherever. The parents aren't going to notice them in the charity shop. Its mostly b&m toys/books given anyway that the parents have grabbed quickly. I have a box of cheapo toys in my wardrobe I just grab out of for birthday presents for the younger ones party invites. I wouldn't even be able to remember what I've given!

I completely agree with you OP and all those who say about the child being disappointed are instilling the value of mindless giving into their children.

Having a party is about hosting and having fun with their friends, not about the gifts they will receive. DD had parties for her 3rd and 5th birthdays. We did not write no gifts because the parties were both joint with another child and did not want to enforce it on anyone else. She did not care about the pile of gifts either time. Her 5th party was 2 weeks before her actual birthday so we did not open the gifts until the day. She had forgotten by the day of her birthday about the pile from the party. As much fun as she had ripping off the paper, most of the gifts sit unopened in a box 4 months on and she will be donating them to childrens' ward of the local hospital this Christmas

I personally do not feel smaller parties is the answer but the mindless giving is to blame. If you are hiring soft play/hall and entertainer, it makes little environmental difference whether you have 10 or 20 children, just extra food to cater for. 10 needless gifts, wrapping paper, plastic to have to offload are a bigger pain than feeding 10 more mouths

Consumerism is a big issue for the environment admittedly but the balloon garlands and throwaway party decorations/plates/cups etc are far worse as they are single use whereas if you give your gifts away someone will use them.

Children’s parties aren’t good for the environment generally sadly (although some are worse than others!)

And why are we encouraging them to have fun in something new and shiny which is usually forgotten in a few days? Surely it is our responsibility to teach them that these things do not have value and fun with friends is the part to enjoy.

Parents who succumb to the 'having something to open' are to blame

If you are hiring soft play/hall and entertainer, it makes little environmental difference whether you have 10 or 20 children, just extra food to cater for.

The point being you dont need to hire (and heat!!) A soft play or hall.

You can just have 5 or 6 little children to tea/in the garden at home.

It's all so bloody ott with kids parties now, and it's mainly about the parents who want to throw a party

We keep a present box in the garage - gets used either for other family birthdays / Christmas / other kids parties or raided in emergency wet day / kids doing my head in type circumstances

Everyone does not have a home that is suitable for hosting parties or the time to prepare.

A soft play is a local business which is open regardless, paying them entry and food cost for 20 children, the parent is spending locally and the children are entertained.

I completely agree with you OP and all those who say about the child being disappointed are instilling the value of mindless giving into their children.

Complete nonsense. I was a normal child who got presents and loved getting presents. I equally loved choosing presents for my friends.

Deny your kids presents if you like, but don't pretend it's for their own good and not yours.