MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

No OP tackle it all at once or you will just have to repeat and do it twice.

Oh this one to me is important. She needs to be called out on her behaviour.

You describe how your MIL is 'toxic', neglects your DC and can be too firm with her, as well as consistently undermining you in your own home.
Why on God's earth are you even considering DC having any regular period of time with MIL when she sounds ghastly?!

this.

Yes. So does the 'DH' if he's letting MIL talk him into believing that cooking and housework are 'wife work'. The OP needs to put a stop to this pretty sharply even if it means kicking off world war three in her house. Stand up to their bullying now or they will walk all over you.

Please don't let her do regular childcare. Because she won't and you will be let down again and struggle.

If your husband insists then please on those days ģo into the office and tell him that he has to supervise his mother.

You are at work. You can't simultaneously look after a young child. It's physically not possible

When together my DH and MIL have this way of making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and I doubt myself.

You mean they are a pair of bullies?

Late af.

Unfortunately if op did divorce the mil would have free access wouldn't She

Tell him straight that unless he is home on the days your MIL is there, that you're not doing it. Leave your DD where she is, she needs the interaction with peers more than she needs to watch you get stressed and your MIL snipe at you

I'd think about what's best for my child. Surely she will be happier and learn far more with a childminder, as opposed to a nanny who sleeps on the sofa watching TV.

Do what is best for you and your dd. Tell mil that your dd prefers it as she has fun with the other little girl who she spend the day playing with. Plus you get more work done.
Your DH doesn’t have to deal with having her there so it’s not for him to decide.
Honestly just say it. If she freaks out say sorry but I’ve made the decision.
Your MIL is being too controlling. Knock it on da head !

How about telling her that you need your DD out the house so you can do work done.therefore childminder is easiest solution. Or do what I did.. tell her that the childminder has updated her terms and will only take on children who are there full time therefore your dd now needs to go full time and part time is no longer an option. That's what I done when ex mil became inconsistent and unreliable but still insisted on providing childcare.

Your MIL doesn't do childcare, she's sits on your sofa soaking up DCs being around and leaves the bulk of childcare to you. You can't WFH like that.

I would not only leave DC at 4 days a week and make it a permanent arrangement from sept but also put her in that 5th day. And register her for preschool ready when she comes of that age, if childminder doesn't offer the free childcare hours.

Your DP can go whistle as he isn't trying to WFH with his mother entrenched on the sofa on her phone ignoring toddler

Either he stays home WFH for gnat 5th weekday with MIL or he agrees to DC going up CM and don't offer to pay, it's shared responsibility and MIL isn't a suitable child carer. I wouldn't even listen to MIL kicking off, put the phone down and ignore it. You know what your DC benefits from and you do not have to let MIL park herself in your sofa pretending she's there to look after your toddler whom she actually neglects

If the child minder sees you this doing this she may just say it’s not worth it and you will lose her. As for MIL simply tell her she can have the child on Saturday if she feels so strongly about it.

I am a mum in law. We look after DGD each week for an afternoon, shortly to increase yo a day because I stop working soon. Your MIL seems not to understand what this is about - she has the opportunity to have fun with her GC each week and to make life easier for you. If it's not ticking both those boxes then there is no point on continuing the arrangement IMO.

You are absolutely right.
your life, your rules. Screw her!
the same way she is demanding to have YOUR child, she can drop off and say goodbye.
you set up your limits specially when it comes to MILs.
If your DP is not happy or unsupportive tell him to come WFH with his mother on his side and you go back to work in the office to give him a bit of his own medicine.

no no no.
stick to your childminder and to your guns.
be happy :)

I think my DH is worried about DD spending the whole day with MIL as she complains she's tired a lot and can be a bit too firm with DD. She also gets very distracted talking on the phone to her friends

Then she shouldn't be looking after DD at all!. The focus here should be on what is best and safest for your DD! So focus on THAT and make a decision with your DH. I know what my decision would be in these circumstances!

When together my DH and MIL have this way of making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and I doubt myself

DH should be working with you in partnership. He needs to grow up a bit!.

Why don’t you have the childminder full time get rid of the mother in law and just let your husband take your daughter over to her house so she sees her. Also if husband can’t deal with her then you will have to say that the current situation is not working out is too stressful and you just want your daughter with other children. Put your foot down as a lot of these mother in laws over step boundaries. Let us know how you get on.

Ok this is my MIL nightmare narcissist with control issues
shes trying to get into your family’s and your relationship’s business by “helping” and if not that, by trying to start a fight

as others have said, you need to point out how much DD loves the extra days with CM and that you get more work done & how it will mean that MIL isn’t so tired from “looking after DD” to actually enjoy her from time to time
do this in front of your husband & MIL like you are reading a shopping list - if/when she kicks off you can say “oh but when you’re here you always say you are tired and my colleagues have commented how I have DD a lot on these days” the kill her with kindness approach, she wants you to agonise over this & then fight with husband… treat it like a done deal (DD is going to CM) and that it’s not something you need to discuss because a) DD loves it & b) you get your work done

Personally, I'd tell your DH that if he doesn't like what you arrange for your DD then you'll quit work altogether and look after her yourself! Then watch him start back peddling when he realises that money's going to be tight and providing for the family is all on him!

Why should your opinion not count here? I think you need to stand up for yourself. Easier said than done I know but it’s not up to her what happens to your child. If it doesn’t work for you don’t do it. Your DH should be backing you up.

Blame work, say you didnt want to say anything that might worry her, but they have been on your case about being available and online during working hours and all staff have to prove that children are in official childcare during working hours, ideally outside the home. You have tried your best to arrange your week that means you might be able to swing one day but ye will have to be very careful to ensure you are fully online at all times without distraction or background noise. You would love to keep up the arrangement but unfortunately some people in work have taken the piss and cancelled childcare so they are paranoid about children at home now.
Job done. Nobody hurt. Big bad employer.

I would put your daughter with the childminder all 5 days. Just say you’ll lose your place with the childminder if it’s not full time or something. It’s not sustainable as it is work wise, and it’s not fair on you.

Call me cynical if you like, but does anyone else think she’d pull out “SuperGran” if her son wfh on one day so that he could get her in all her glory?!

Then it might turn into “But she was great on that day. You should just let her get on with and stop micromanaging/helicoptering!!”

Totally screwing up op’s efforts.

It sounds like MIL needs to feel needed and to be in control.

i think DH needs to grow a pair and back you up. MIL has an ulterior motive. She isn’t there to babysit. It’s sounds like she is there to stir the pot between you and DH.