MIL and childcare

[Sunsetred]

Hi
I am looking for advice on whether I'm being unreasonable and how to manage the situation if not.
My MIL wanted to look after our DD full time when I returned to work after maternity leave. I was not keen for various reasons. However, under pressure we compromised that DD would spend 3 days with the childminder and 2 days with MIL. The 2 days DD is with MIL basically end up with MIL here, stretched out on the sofa complaining that she is tired and watching TV or talking loudly on the phone and then sleeping. Leaving me to work and look after DD. She makes snide remarks throughout the day while she is here and I just find the whole situation very stressful and exhausting as it has made me very behind with work and it was just getting worse. I always feel very anxious the night before she comes over as she will always cause some sort of disagreement between me and my DH. My DH works at the office and so he doesn't appreciate that MIL doesn't actually do anything when she is here and actually creates me more work. Anyway to get to the point, she was recently away for two months and the childminder offered to look after DD an extra day at a very reduced rate on a trial basis until September when we could decide if we wanted to make it a permanent arrangement. She could do both days but I knew MIL would be very disappointed if we took away both days and I could probably manage one day a week with MIL to keep the peace. The past two months with MIL away and DD with the childminder has been an absolute dream. DD loves the extra day with the childminder as is just her and another child the same age that day (she adores the childminder and loves going there every day actually). Also, I have been getting so much work done too and I feel so much better for it. It's made my life less stressful and happier.

My MIL is back and has kicked off today about not looking after DD both days. She wants me to cancel the extra day with the childminder. I said that we cannot as we have agreed on the extra day until September at least. Also, MIL has another two shorter holidays planned between now and September anyway. My MIL is not happy and seems even more unhappier that she hasn't caused a huge argument about it between me and my DH. She keeps calling him and now he has suggested that we cancel the next two extra days with the childminder (which we've already paid for) so MIL can look after DD before she goes on her next two week holiday. I haven't responded to my DH on this suggestion. The thought of having my MIL here again this week is making me feel so anxious.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just have my MIL look after DD for 2 days again? If I am not being unreasonable please help me to manage the situation.

Agree with the idea that if your DH wants MIL to conitnue, but doesn't want her to do it alone he can WFH to support it. Why should you be working till 11 to faciliate this arrangement. Don't be a pushover that the expense of your own wellbeing (and your job).

Whatever you do, Don't have any more children with this man who thinks
Man's responsibility in family life = working full time and prioritising his mother's wants over his wife and child's needs.
Woman's responsibility in family life = work full time including late nights as she tries to fit 5 days work into 3 days because of him, childcare 2 days a week while attempting to work, pandering to his rude and lazy mother while trying to do childcare and work 2 days a week, plus all housework, cooking and cleaning for the household.

You really do have a DP problem, not a MIL one. Honestly, he is treating you like shit. Are you going to do anything about that, or are you going to allow him to destroy your mental and physical health with all this.

Child full time at childminder, MIL told to keep her nose out, and him taking on 50% of housework admin, cleaning, shopping, cooking, weekend and evening childcare etc. Anything else makes you a disrespected skivvy.

Save yourself years of a shite life and just divorce him now, men like this never change.

If you can’t insist on a full time childcare place for your own sake to enable you to work with the least childcare stress possible, then do it for your daughter. She is clearly happier in the full time childminder setting than with your MIL, and she also has a happier mum too as a plus.

Ask yourself why you are prioritising your MILs desires over your child’s needs and wellbeing! Your role as a mother is to make the hard decisions to protect and benefit your child. Insist on it. If your husband doesn’t agree this would be divorceable grounds for me as he obviously does not care about what you think.

Just have the childminder and tell your MIL that you won't have her 'look after' DD anymore. Be honest about her behaviour creating unnecessary stress and drama. She will probably have a fallout over it but allow it to happen and stand firm in your points. She'll accept it and get over it eventually and you'll have less stress overall 🙌🏻

I'm glad you are going to stand firm in this. Childcare is about what is best for the child and the parent. Not about keeping extended family happy.

Fuck that. Childminder full time. She's not actually doing anything with your DD when she's 'looking after her'. It's causing you stress and you are having to miss out on the quality time you should be having as you're having to work through evenings and weekends to make up for her shitness.

Just stop the arrangement - honestly. It's not working. Who cares if it causes drama? She sounds like an absolute nightmare, surely seeing less of her would be ideal. And from your last post it also sounds like her presence in your house is making your DH be less than he should in your partnership. Don't compromise to appease MIL. Put you, your DD and your relationship with DH ahead of this.

I agree with every else but to add to the issues with your plan - what happens when your DD drops her nap? It can happen very suddenly - my DS went from napping 2-3 hours very reliably to not napping at all basically overnight

You describe how your MIL is 'toxic', neglects your DC and can be too firm with her, as well as consistently undermining you in your own home.
Why on God's earth are you even considering DC having any regular period of time with MIL when she sounds ghastly?!

Probably a bit late to the game here but just adding in another option incase it's of interest.
Fully agree with everyone else that you need to be clear about your expectations. You're trying to please everyone and in reality you're pleasing noone. Especially not yourself.

My Mum does childcare for us and I reduced it because she would never say no but I could see it was too much for her. Now, she does school pick up only - maybe you could instigate a similar thing? Childminder til lunchtime and then mil picks up for the afternoon 1 or 2 days a week? She would still get to see her grandchild but would be for less time and she could take her to the park etc so wasn't in your way whilst you're working.

I'm wondering what your salary differences are OP as you mention contributing equally to bills then each keeping what is left. Is that roughly equal amounts? Because if not then I'd look at getting the bills amount changed proportional to salary. Or all money goes into the bills account with a set amount going out to your respective accounts for fun spends.

I'd be sacking your MIL off already.

If she can't be useful and mind your child then what's she there for??

I had a similar issue with my MIL where she would have our DS, but then spend the day sat on the couch watching TV or on the phone. Thankfully hubby backed me up on it, telling her that it's not ok and that DS needs stimuation, taking out, etc.

She's said this so much that it's changed my DH's attitude and behaviour to helping out

I’d be telling him he does his share (it’s isn’t ‘helping out’ or he can go back and live with mummy!)

Hes an adult and manage a dishwasher and a Hoover!

Decisions about your DC's childcare are yours, your MIL's wishes should not come into it.
In your position I would arrange for DC to go to childminder full time.

Do not pay extra for the two days childcare out of your own pocket.

your husband sounds like a lazy man with no respect for you, your job or your contribution to the household.

ensure your H pays his share of the childcare payments. And start demanding he pulls his weight around the house including the kitchen, otherwise I'd not bother cooking for him at all.

If he refuses regarding the childcare ensure you're at work on the days your MIL is meant to be doing 'childcare' and tell him he needs to be around to supervise his mother.

Your husband sounds like a lazy, disrespectful bully.

You need to stop pandering. Get professional childcare and let MIL kick off.

If you don’t feel up to tackling it all at once, keep the extra day with the CM for now.

When MIL goes on the next holiday, go full time and then say it works do well you’re keeping full time. Start going into the office on those days do there’s nobody home if MIL decided to come round and kick off.

DH can do a pick up from CM a couple of days a week and take DD to visit MiL on the way home .

Why are you putting ANY of MIL's needs and demands, ahead of the needs happiness and development of your child?

Good grief, OP, your MIL sounds like a right piece of work.

I think you need to lay down the law with your husband. It is completely unacceptable for her to be judging you and making your life harder and encouraging him to do the same.

What @2bazookas said about putting MIL's needs and demands ahead of the needs happiness and development of your child as well as your own needs for that matter.

Does MIL not have any friends or hobbies to occupy herself with? It's great she wants to spend time with your DD but it's obviously not quality time if she's on the phone, watching TV etc. Be strong OP and set out what you want and what's best for DD and stick to it. MIL had her time with her own kid/s and look how she's still trying to control and manipulate your DH.

Oh and if there's any question or retaliation on your DH's side, then just show him all these comments and tell him to pull his finger out! Good luck 👍

If she doesn’t actually look after her then you would be crazy to have her for that purpose. It’s far too risky for your child.
Its not just looking after a child, it’s about stimulating their learning, having fun, being sociable, setting the best example, safeguarding, planning, taking the child out and about. Your MIL can’t do any of that from her position on the sofa.
In fact she sounds like a liability.
She defeats the object all together.
YANBU to stick with the professional child minder.

I would stop the MIL childcare arrangements altogether, she clearly is not the best option for you or your DD. If DH wishes her to see DD then she can do so on a weekend but this "childcare" arrangement needs to stop. I also wouldn't be inviting her into your house at all if all she does is criticise you.

Update sounds positive, I would go further as others have said and put DD in for the full five days, suggest MIL can come over on the Saturday morning to help if she feels she must or take DD out for the day… imagine that a grandparent taking grandchild somewhere!

You pay the extra days childcare. Get DH to pay for a cleaner!!

Your problem is bigger than your MIL. Your DH doesn't pull his weight. You need to roast his arse.

If he doesn't think the kitchen has anything to do with him, he doesn't eat. If he doesn't think the laundry has anything to do with him, he doesn't have clean clothes. Simple.

How dare he and MIL criticise you, working full-time and doing extra hours late at night and at the weekend, for 'getting behind' with the house? How dare they?

Find your anger and act on it. Meanwhile, pay the extra childminder days and tell the two of them to butt out. And tell MIL that when you want her advice/input on your childcare and domestic arrangements, you'll ask for it.

Woo! You really do have a mummy's boy DH problem here!