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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

414 replies

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 11:56

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 06/06/2022 11:58

I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her

I disagree with her comment but I also find this very full on!

Aprilx · 06/06/2022 12:00

I think your mothers language is a bit over the top and I don’t agree it is traumatising for the baby to not see it’s grandmother, it isn’t going to know. I can imagine many grandmothers would be upset to not see their grandchild for that long on the other hand.

so yes the language is a bit over the top, But then I think your language of being “disturbed” is also over the top. Perhaps in your family it is just a trait. I don’t think this is worthy of any further analysis.

HerculesMulligan · 06/06/2022 12:00

I agree with the first reply - when you have a new baby, of course the people who love you want to share in that experience. With both my DS and my DD, we invited both sets of grandparents to visit our new baby in hospital late on the day of their birth. Don't start your life as a parent by making up daft rules for yourself, for heaven's sake.

washingwakeup · 06/06/2022 12:01

I think being "traumatised" is rather dramatic.

But I also think a 2-3 week ban on all visitors, especially her, is also way over the top.

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:03

I want the first weeks of my baby’s life to be as calm as possible for me and my husband, with just a focus on our family and learning to be parents and bond. I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us? As a previous reply said, a baby won’t know if it’s Granny or Uncle is visiting. I know I felt SO intrusive visiting my SIL and my brother when they had their newborns, despite being invited.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

OP posts:
GalactatingGoddess · 06/06/2022 12:04

If you have a good relationship with her, then 2-3 weeks is extreme to keep her from your (future) baby. It is of course up to you but it can mean a lot to a grandparent to meet the baby in the first days. My DM met DD at 2 days old and I know she would've been in hospital if she could (covid regs)

Her comment was insensitive towards your Dsis though and a bit self absorbed. Was it her first grandchild?

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:04

@washingwakeup why “especially her”?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/06/2022 12:04

I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

I think this is the worrying comment tbh. Why do you want to keep your family so distant?

Chickenmicken · 06/06/2022 12:06

I wouldn't 'ban' visits. You are not royalty. You 'ban' visits for 3 weeks and I wouldn't visit you again. Say you are too tired whenever someone wants to come round. No need to make yourself unpopular.

Paq · 06/06/2022 12:06

A baby won't be traumatised by either seeing or not seeing different people for the first few weeks of life on the outside.

Keeping family completely away for 2-3 weeks seems a bit extreme and precious.

GalactatingGoddess · 06/06/2022 12:07

@greenvelvetcouch just seen your update. Just so you know, In those early days my DM and DF being there brought me a LOT of help. They cooked, cleaned, helped me persevere with breastfeeding, gave me and DH chance to sleep for an hour or so inbetween feeds, kept our spirits up and it was just immensely helpful.

If your DM is a positive and helpful factor in your life then I can't see why it would add any stress?

I will caveat this with the fact that none of my extended family were given the green light to visit until DD was 2 months as I was too tired to host and navigate family dynamics. In reality a lot of them didn't meet her till 6 months plus due to covid which suited me fine

Hugasauras · 06/06/2022 12:08

Obviously it's your call, but introducing family to our new baby was one of the best things about those first few days! I loved seeing my mum holding her first grandchild and just radiating joy.

FilthyforFirth · 06/06/2022 12:08

What an odd thing to have such strong opinions on when you aren't even pregnant...

Nanny0gg · 06/06/2022 12:08

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:03

I want the first weeks of my baby’s life to be as calm as possible for me and my husband, with just a focus on our family and learning to be parents and bond. I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us? As a previous reply said, a baby won’t know if it’s Granny or Uncle is visiting. I know I felt SO intrusive visiting my SIL and my brother when they had their newborns, despite being invited.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

Good job

You want to keep to yourselves - crack on.

But bear in mind they may take you at your word.

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:09

@GalactatingGoddess not first grandchild but first to one of her daughters, which she was a bit obsessed with as well. I think she really subscribes to the weird “daughters are for life, sons are only sons until they have a wife” thing, which is strange as my brother and his wife are closest to her!

OP posts:
washingwakeup · 06/06/2022 12:09

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:04

@washingwakeup why “especially her”?

Because she's the grandmother/your mum? Unless there is some back story, surely she doesn't get lumped in with absolutely everyone else?

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:10

@FilthyforFirth I am.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/06/2022 12:10

I find the language of ‘banning’ family from visiting for 2-3 weeks very strange and quite extreme. I do understand not wanting to open the house up to all and sundry straight after having a baby but equally close family are going to want to meet the baby and share some of the joy with you. I suppose logically it doesn’t really make a difference when you meet a new baby as they won’t remember, but I know when my nephews were born I wanted to meet them as soon as possible. If all is going well once you’re home it seems extreme not to let your Mum around at least for a quick visit and a cuddle, although maybe there is some backstory and behaviour you haven’t mentioned which is putting you off having her over?

florianfortescue · 06/06/2022 12:10

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:03

I want the first weeks of my baby’s life to be as calm as possible for me and my husband, with just a focus on our family and learning to be parents and bond. I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us? As a previous reply said, a baby won’t know if it’s Granny or Uncle is visiting. I know I felt SO intrusive visiting my SIL and my brother when they had their newborns, despite being invited.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

Maybe it's not just about what it would "bring you"? Maybe it's also about what joy it would bring to your DM, who by your own account is a slightly lonely widow?

Her comment is OTT but so is your plan to keep her away for weeks after a hypothetical birth. Try and accept that your DM is a real human being with flaws and feelings, just like you, and react with maturity rather than being "disturbed" by a passing silly comment.

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 12:11

@Nanny0gg I hope they do! That’s obviously what I want….

OP posts:
Odile13 · 06/06/2022 12:11

Well it’s up to you, but I loved having my parents and in-laws come to see our newborn baby. It was wonderful to see them see their new grandchild and the love they felt. I felt so happy.

GailTheSnail · 06/06/2022 12:12

Hugasauras · 06/06/2022 12:08

Obviously it's your call, but introducing family to our new baby was one of the best things about those first few days! I loved seeing my mum holding her first grandchild and just radiating joy.

Agree with this. It's such a happy time and people who are close to you will be so pleased for you. I love looking back at pictures of doting grandparents holding our kids for the first time.

worraliberty · 06/06/2022 12:12

Seriously? Your comments are way more worrying than hers.

I mean, if you read between the lines, your mum was just a bit upset at having to wait due to Covid etc, but you're actually planning on excluding her.

No doubt you'll be one of the MNetters moaning in future that your kid's grandparents aren't particularly interested, or won't babysit as often as you want.

SlashBeef · 06/06/2022 12:13

Are you actually pregnant? Confused Both you and your mother sound a bit OTT. Her with her trauma and you needing 2-3 weeks with nobody getting as much as a glimpse of the baby so you can "bond".

saraclara · 06/06/2022 12:14

Your daughter giving birth is a massive thing. I didn't realise quite how massive, until mine went into labour, to be honest. I was so anxious for her and the baby (and I'm not normally like that).

While I'd never say anything, and I'd have to respect it, if she'd said that I couldn't see her and the baby for three weeks, I'd have found it incredibly hard. On a really primal level, I needed to see them both and know that they were okay.

Your mum might have put it badly, but if I'd not seen them both (and the baby was in nicu) for 37 days, I'd have found it intensely stressful.

I don't expect people to understand it if you haven't been there. I had no clue about the instincts that come to the fore when you become a grandparent, just as I never knew the power of the maternal instinct until I became a mother myself. But I do hope that you'll reconsider your 'ban' and have some empathy for your mum..

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