To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

To be honest, I can see why your mum is lonely, OP.
I'm also extremely independent, but you seem to have emotionally detached from her, which doesn't have to go along with independence.

I'm also a somewhat lonely widow. I brought my kids up to be independent, but it's also nice to be needed sometimes. Or at least, if not needed, allowed to help, and to be appreciated.

And you still want to make the distance even greater.

I think that your mother's use of "traumatized" is just plain silly. But then I also think that your wish to ban her for 2 or 3 weeks when you have a baby is equally silly. Why would you do that? - what would anyone gain by it? - unless you hate her of course - that would then make sense.

OP you are not coming across as a particularly nice person! Also your claim of independence is a excuse for exerting control. Your plan on keeping your own mother away from your PFB for 2-3 weeks when, by your own admission, she is a lonely widow is just cruel.

I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Meh. You can't cope, she can't cope - you are actually exactly the same as her. Only you get to be controlling about it which I am sure you will enjoy.

This post is so sad. For starters, you don't learn to be parents in 2-3 weeks (sadly!) and certainly not by locking your family away in a self- imposed bubble. And the fact that your perception of why you would let family visit at all would be only so they would do childcare for you, is also a bit sad. My daughters have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents and they do very little childcare for us (live far away) so there's nothing in it for us, except the joy of seeing them together and knowing my girls have lots of people in their lives that love them.

Perhaps any sense of entitlement from your mum has rubbed off on you as you also seem to have very rigid and self- centred ideas about family relationships.

Another case of 'They walk among us' here for me, an outlook i have never heard of - especially from some purporting to be close to her own mother. This isn't a transactional relationship but a potential close family bond. Christ I am nicer to my ex husband's girlfriend and her role (great btw) in my children's lives.

You won't be the only person that loves your baby, and whom your baby will love too. And your mother isn't extended family FFS

"Username1234321 · Today 12:48

I never understand banning people from visiting. I loved people popping round to meet the baby, it’s so lovely to have so many people that care about you and the baby. Enjoy it some people don’t have anyone to ban from visiting."

In what way does your lack of an ability to empathise with others' decisions have any relevance to the thread?

My in-laws were the worst about it; and turned up to the hospital three times, including when I was in labour.

But this is completely different? Clearly your in laws have zero boundaries and don't respect yours. My mum only arrived in our town the day after DS was born but he was a bit early so originally we had thought she WOULD be here when I went into labour. It wouldn't have crossed her mind to turn up at the hospital while I was in labour. She would have been at my house cooking us a meal to eat the day we got home and doing some tidying up if we'd rushed out the door unexpectedly. Possibly as a result of American TV shows where 20 people will all be hanging about in the waiting room!?

This is so sad. Your mother is not 'extended family'.

Do people really class their mum's as 'extended family'? You came out of her bloody hooha for god's sake

I’m super interested in all the comments claiming that having boundaries is “controlling”. We’re talking about me and my child, I don’t think doing what I think is best as a parent after doing a lot of research is “controlling”.

(I also wonder if I’d said this was DH’s Mum rather than my own people would react differently, as I’ve seen previously on Mumsnet.)

Wow, you're cold.
My parents and ILs love their GC. It never once occured to me to think when they were cuddling and smiling at baby DS, "what bastards, trying to make themselves feel important."
Your detached personality will be what gets in the way of bonding with your baby not your mum popping in for a short visit.

I personally consider my Mum to be my extended family, as I have my immediate family of my husband and I and soon to be our baby. I will be the same one day if I’m lucky!

Also by any definition my Mum will be extended family to my baby… I think this is a weird thing to get worked up over

I get what you're saying. Neither of my son's grandmother's saw my son until months after he was born. Neither lived near and neither , for various reasons, played a particularly close role in his life. I wouldn't have wanted either of them , particularly my mother-in-law, turning up in the early weeks.

We’re talking about me and my child

But you;'re not. Your original post was about your sister, her child and your Mother. And yet you have turned it into being all about you...

Where on earth have you found research that states isolating yourself post-birth is the best thing to do?

Having boundaries is one thing. Isolating yourself from your families is totally different.

what does your DH think of your plan?

I have just re read and I can't see anywhere where the op actually states that she is pregnant?

Grandmothers .....

There are boundaries and there are boundaries. I'd support anyone in having boundaries about mothers turning up at the hospital or at home unannounced, or staying far longer than the new parents want.
A boundary that says that they can't see their daughter and new grandchild for three weeks, not even for half an hour, is a very different thing.

oh ok, just found a mention of "soon to be baby" but its after I posted

For the record, I've defended plenty of women on Mumsnet who wanted to keep to themselves and not have visitors for the first few weeks. It's the way you're talking about it, about your ideal relationship for your child with their grandparents and the quite transactional view you seem to take to relationships that strikes me as quite unusual.

Maybe I'm odd but I couldn't wait to show mine off, if I hadn't had visitors I think I might have abducted people off the street.

I feel like OP is getting a hard time here. She's talking about setting boundaries. At what point do you have to set a hard, 'ban', 'no visits' kind of boundary? When your softer requests to have your space, feelings and wishes respected are repeatedly stepped over.

OP's mother is entitled to her view that babies need involved hand-on grandparents and it is 'unnatural' and 'traumatic' to keep them apart, but her opinions do not trump OP's wishes about how she wants her own home and family to be. OP describes her mother dismissing/invalidating her sister's trauma and making it all about herself. I'd have concerns and want to put some boundaries in place too.

You clearly don't like your mother. Other issues here rather than the PFB one