To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

People manage without grandmothers. Neither of my son's grandmothers were anywhere near us- one wasn't even in the same country.

I'm surprised by so many of these comments.
I'm having a baby (c-section) in a few weeks and I'm doing the same. I don't want visitors either for the first couple of weeks @greenvelvetcouch

I'm reading more and more of these comments and it seems everyone is saying what they feel OP should do based on their own experiences and relationships with their own mums. OP has said what her relationship is with her family.
My mums going away on holiday the day before my c section for 2 weeks. So she won't meet my baby until they're 2 weeks old.
Everyone's relationship is different with their parents. And people make their own decisions and choices based on their own experiences

@WhatsTheWeatherLike11 also a c-section here, good luck!

Thanks for your rational take on all the posts - this is exactly the point! Not everyone has to have the same relationships with their family/husband/whoever. For us, we’re really happy it just being my husband and I for my immediate recovery and the first few weeks of our baby’s life. I hope everything goes super smoothly for you and your baby!

I love this too. It should be normal to want to share the joy of your beautiful little bundle with your loved ones. I would hate to be, as miserable, possessive and mean minded as someone like the OP nearly as much as I would hate to be related to them.

@PinkSyCo Well I think it’s lovely that people are all different. Variety is the spice of life!

Personally I’m glad I’m not someone who calls others names on the internet, but each to their own!

Personally I’d rather be called names by a stranger on the internet than be treated with disdain by my own child, but like you say we’re all different.

I agree. This thread has some extraordinary posts - a quite astonishing inability to understand not everyone is the same. And such aggressive defensiveness from some posters too.

There's been several posters saying things like "well, wait until there's an emergency/ you need a babysitter". How do they think parents without grandparents, or grandparents in a different country or grandparents who are simply "mad, bad and dangerous to know" cope?

I don't know the OP in real life but I'm forming the impression that if I were a mother and a friend of hers I could probably call her in an emergency. I certainly would not call PinkSyCo.

Yes, I really wouldn't want people coming round to begin with, especially after having a c section and needing some recovery time. I know I'd feel uncomfortable having visitors so soon.
Everyone does it differently and it's important to do whatever is best for you.

Thank you for your well wishes, and good luck to you too!

@KimikosNightmare
Exactly. It's really surprising. Some people are being downright rude and aggressive.

If I had an emergency, I wouldn't call my mum. I have tried once, years ago, only because my partner convinced me to saying "that's what mums are there for" even though I knew what the response would be - (DP and I hadn't been together all that long so didn't know our relationship) -
so I called my mum, and she said she couldn't help me because she was going to the pub.

I've never called her for an emergency since, and she doesn't actually ever comes up in my mind as someone to contact in an emergency.

My DP finds this strange but it's just the way that it is.

Others also saying things like "but they're so helpful! They'll do the washing, cooking and cleaning for you! Why would you reject all of this marvellous support?!"

Who will???? Maybe their parents but again, my mum wouldn't even think of cooking anything for me or cleaning etc.
I moved out of my parents home 10 years ago and my mum has been to visit me 4 times.

People on here just aren't understanding that everyone has different relationships with their parents. And there's no need to be so aggressive and rude just because they don't agree with OP's choices.
Really bizarre.

I think people are understanding of different relationships people might have with their mother but OP says she has a very good relationship with her mother, that they talk daily. That's what makes her decision so surprising and why people are giving their POV from when they had a similar good relationship with their mother and had a baby!

Yes exactly.

The OP clearly has a good relationship with her mother. She is planning on blowing it up for no discernible reason.

I also talk to my mum daily but everything I've written in my previous comments still stand.
It's still OP's choice what she wants to do when her baby arrives.

Of course it's absolutely her choice. But decisions have consequences

OP, I agree with you and please do what’s best for you and your partner. Having a baby is such a challenging time for first-time parents, it stretches you in so many ways, it is not the time to be thinking of anyone else’s preferences and you should prioritise your own wellbeing and recovery. I had a baby earlier this year and we didn’t have visitors for the first week or so. This is what most of my NCT group have done and it seems to have worked well for everyone, so I’m surprised to see so many negative responses on here. You will be recovering from birth physically and emotionally and finding your ways as new parents, if you explain it kindly to the grandparents I’m sure they will understand. Depending on the type of birth you are having and any complications, you may change your mind and decide to have visitors sooner or later, but taking a few days to recover without visitors is what worked best for me and the other mums I know.

YABU!

My grandmother who I loved dearly died while I was in labour with my eldest DS. I was absolutely devastated by the fact that she'd not been able to meet him, and it still upsets me now (and he's late teens).

My in-laws arrived at the hospital by 9am in the morning when DS was born at 1am and they live 4 hours away. My MIL is full on, and interferes, so I wasn't impressed with that, and they had to be told they couldn't stop with us once we came home from hospital. Having said that, I wouldn't have dreamed of not letting them see him and hold him at least once before they were sent back home.

I've read through most of your comments @greenvelvetcouch and couldn't see you mentioning it but do you think that subconsciously you are preparing yourself for a "distant" relationship.

Your mother isn't geographically close so that means a lot isn't going to be possible in terms if her relationship with your DC (childcare for example, which you seem adamant you don't want or need or expect but I wonder if you are over compensating here? You know there is zero way your mum can provide any solid practical help so you are already countering that by saying you don't want or need any help)

Do you brother and sister live geographically closer to your mum? Is she quite involved in thier lives? There seems to be an element of you 'not wanting' things from your mum that she isn't in a position to give?

It probably all ties in with the loss of your dad too. The more independent you are and the less you rely on anyone then the less you'd feel the practical impact of any future losses.

I could be well off of course so forgive me if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Just FYI for anyone who might be planning similar and who finds this thread - I had my baby exactly as planned (& feel so grateful for that!) 12 days ago. We’ve had a very blissful almost 2 weeks just the three of us and today both of our mothers visited us for the first time. It was really lovely and was very emotional as some people had told me it would be, but as expected I didn’t want anyone to come any sooner! If you feel like you will benefit from it, I’d really recommend pulling the drawbridge up for a week or two! Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do!

Also no one was particularly dramatic or devestated by this, at least not to our faces and that’s all that matters to me. Everyone has been very respectful. No Granny’s were harmed in the meeting of this baby, so to speak!

😂😂

Oh how you will laugh at this in a few years. You know having a baby isn’t like it’s shown on the nappy ads all smiling babies and serene mother?

Why wouldn’t you want visitors , especially your mum , I find that very strange

Glad you’re happy OP.

As a mother of two grown up Dds I’d be devestated if they did this to me. As a mum of a daughter, for me it isnt about wanting to meet or hold the new baby (although of course that will be lovely) it is about seeing my daughter and making sure she is ok after going through childbirth!

I haven't read the last few pages but I think there is more to this than meets the eye.
You say that you felt as if your mother was oblivious to your and your sister's emotional needs when your Dad died. This has been triggered again by you feeling that she hasn't acknowledged your sister's stress when her baby was in SCBU and is focusing on her own "trauma".
Trauma is a strong word but I'm sure your Mum was very worried about your sister and the baby at the time.
I think you are feeling some resentment of your mother which you can't acknowledged and might be trying to punish her.
Also you protest a bit too much about your independence, like an adolescent who is still working on establishing distance from a parent.
Are you afraid of being let down by your mother?
I agree with what saraclara said about becoming a grandmother and , on the surface, you sound cruel and lacking in empathy for your Mum, but I think there's more to it.
It's as if you and your mother are pretending all's okay on the surface but deeper down you hold resentment.
Perhaps your Mum hasn't intentionally neglected your emotions but has had a lot of upset to deal with herself?
I hope you have a good therapist ( not the kind who simplistically parent blames) and that you can talk to her about it.
You have an opportunity to heal things or create more hidden pain for yourself and your mother.
In the longer term would your Mum consider joint therapy with you?
and your Mum

Sorry-I missed the update, I didn't realise it was an old thread, apologies if that was all irrelevant. Congratulations on the baby and glad the meeting with the Gran's went well

Having just RTFT, I am so pleased to see your update! I was behind you 100% on wanting some time alone to get used to the new baby congratulations