To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

Very strange that you don't want your dc's first weeks to be having it surrounded by love.

@JustLyra He’s happy with it, he is also quite introverted and whilst has a slightly different opinion on the merits of grandparents and extended families is very supportive of our joint decisions around birth and post-partum.

lol

They will be surrounded by love as we intend to love our child, but thanks for the concern!

That's a tad over-dramatic. A new baby isn't really going to notice anyone other than its mother. I absolutely did not want my mother or my mother-in- law around in those early weeks.

(I also wonder if I’d said this was DH’s Mum rather than my own people would react differently, as I’ve seen previously on Mumsnet.)

No, I'd still think you had massive issues with control and that you could well end up regretting not allowing a quick visit during the early weeks.

Indeed. That was a ridiculously over-dramatic comment.

Perhaps you haven’t travelled much, OP, so can’t relate to the various ways babies are welcomed into the world in other places. It does seem sad that you’re leaning on ‘research’ to justify keeping a newborn baby separate from people who are primed to love them.

I find it hard to understand how your mother being a widow doesn’t make you more eager, rather than less, to involve her at such a pivotal point in both your lives and in the life of her grandchild.

I think banning grandparents from meeting their grandchildren is cruel and controlling behaviour. Unless there's a history of abuse, I cannot see any good reason for it.

Given how hard your mum took not being able to meet your sister's baby, it seems unfathomable. I doubt your mum will ever forgive you

Well you're obviously over thinking what your mum said and overly precious because youre one of those people who thinks banning visitors for weeks post birth is a normal thing to do

This sums up really nicely and much better than I did why this thread feels quite different from the usual posters wanting no visitors for the first few weeks (usually accompanied by examples of their overbearing or selfish behaviour.)

Exactly this.

She's dramatic, you're dramatic. There's no need to go through life whipping up such a performance over the small things, you know? It's a choice.

I think this is a really insightful comment and you’ve actually tapped into one of the only issues I’ve ever had with my Mother, and I think why I was so upset by her comment about my sister. When my Dad died I was young (not technically a child but basically still one) and she just could
not give any space to my grief and trauma. She couldn’t admit that my siblings and I were in pain and she just wanted us to be okay. I’ve worked through it a lot in therapy (which she didn’t think I needed when Dad died either!) and I understand where that came from as she was in so much pain and couldn’t acknowledge what her children were going through on top of that. I have a lot of empathy towards her for that. But I still have a feeling that she doesn’t want to connect with the emotional complexities of her children, and I don’t want her to do the same thing when I have my baby.

Not to be rude but you sound naive... life doesnt stop when you have a baby, if anything you need more help than ever.

2-3 weeks of not seeing anyone is honestly a bit ridiculous and completely impractical.

As for her comments, sounds like a lot of grandmothers I know... Ironically the least involved grandmothers tend to talk the most like that, like if they talk up their involvement people will believe it when its not true.

As for think they are traumatised and need help. I had a medically traumatic birth (where we both died for a bit) it was by far in my point of view my easiest birth I had, the 'trauma' was entirely on others watching it happen not me and my DS.

I HATED people constantly telling me how depressed and traumatised I should be and that I need help to 'deal with it' or was in denial or should try 'meds'. Its 14 years later and there was nothing to deal with and they MAJORLY overstepped the mark trying to push their assumptions of how I should handle it on me.

@greenvelvetcouch I understand you wanting to have time to yourselves after the birth and I feel the same way! We had our first child just as the first wave of Covid hit and so the lockdown rules at the time meant we had a good few weeks to ourselves before anyone (including grandparents) even met the baby. Looking back I really value the time we got to bond as a little family of three and how my husband and I learned how to look after our little one without being in the gaze of anyone else.

Now we're expecting number two and are discussing how we can create a similar environment to bond our family of four once the new baby arrives. We will probably make some compromises so the grandparents don't feel totally shut out but we will safeguard our bubble and do what's right for us.

I know lots of people want to show off their babies and that's great for them, but everyone is different and you need to do what's right for your family.

As I commented, your Mum is being a bit dramatic; but I do not think it would do any harm for you to have some care and compassion towards her; as indeed you will be hoping your own child might towards you in years to come. This is something that you will teach him/her by example, so might be good to start from the beginning.

I am a widow; I have grandchildren. I respect their needs, and they respect mine. I have filled my life with worthwhile activities for the specific purposes of being of some use in my community and not being burdensome to my AC.

Things to think about:

• how it might feel to lose your life's partner - it hurts, believe me; it is like having a limb wrenched off.


• how it might feel to be the widow of someone whom you (as her daughter) clearly idolised.


• how it feels to have lost the central roles from your life, and how hard it is to fill those gaps when you are grieving.


• there will only be a few people in your child's life who will love him/her unconditionally - your mother is one of them - they are precious people.


• there will only be a few people around when you are bringing your child up who will be like a rock - who you can rely on.


• parents bond with their babies (unless there is some major problem) as a matter of course, and a caring grandparent visiting is not going to stop that happening.

I had a difficult upbringing, and realise that when my children were small I did not include my parents as much as I could have, as I was still harbouring resentments. It is one of the few things in my life that I truly regret. One day you will be your Mum - so, unless she truly is a cruel or unpleasant person, do unto her as you hope your own children will do unto you when you reach this stage of life.

I've got 4 grandchildren, was there when the 1st was born and met the others within hours of their birth. DD came home to our house after coming home from hospital rather than to her own home, and I have such cherished memories of each single time. DD jokes that she knew I'd look after her far better than her DH would have done. I've got such a bond with all of them - and in some ways that bond is even more special than with my DC.

To have been kept away from them for weeks would honestly have broken my heart.

OP's mother is entitled to her view that babies need involved hand-on grandparents and it is 'unnatural' and 'traumatic' to keep them apart, but her opinions do not trump OP's wishes about how she wants her own home and family to be. OP describes her mother dismissing/invalidating her sister's trauma and making it all about herself. I'd have concerns and want to put some boundaries in place too

I agree. OP's mother's reaction is completely OTT.

(I also wonder if I’d said this was DH’s Mum rather than my own people would react differently, as I’ve seen previously on Mumsnet.)

I wouldn't have reacted differently, and I actually went back to check if you were writing about your DSIL and DMIL before I replied, so that replied properly.

I would have felt just as sorry for your DH's mum being kept away from her grandchild for three weeks.

@NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc I really appreciate your insight, thank you! Your time with your first born sounds really special. I hope you get the same with your second!

Well good for you. Do you understand not one size fits all? I can't think of anything I'd have wanted less than my mother and mother-in-law turning up within hours of my giving birth.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

@Mischance , you could be me. Thank you for expressing the viewpoint from our position so beautifully.

Can you explain your last sentence a bit more to those of us who’ve never had grandkids? What is it about allowing a few weeks of private time for your DD that would be so heartbreaking, if you’re all going to meet eventually anyway? Especially assuming your DD would also be heartbroken at having her wishes for privacy dismissed/discounted by her own mother?