To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

Life takes many unusual twists, OP, and you cannot guarantee that your child/ren will never have any need of their grandparents.

Obviously you never know until you’re in the situation but this is exactly WHY I don’t want visitors, I know I could be very traumatised post/birth, I could have a very difficult baby and I saw with my sister how quickly things can go very wrong. I’m attempting to manage the things I can control and prepare.

She’s a bit dramatic but you sound a bit ott as well. I would feel very isolated if I banned my mum from my house for 2/3 weeks after birth. You may be surprised at how much support you may need especially female support. Husbands are not always as great as you might think when you bring a baby home

I'm someone who likes my own space but having family around for those early weeks was really special and helpful. When I had my first baby my parents travelled 6 hours to meet her when she was 1 week old. I have a beautiful photo on the mantelpiece of the first time they held her and they both have tears in their eyes. They stayed a few days and DH and I were SO thankful for the help. We were utterly shattered and they did shopping and cooking. With my second we actually asked my MIL (who lives abroad) to stay for a few weeks, partly so she could look after our toddler whilst we were looking after the baby - but also as it was nice for her. She's very lonely. She was a Godsend! She cooked and did some cleaning. She had lots of fun entertaining the toddler while we rested. You have to realise that the baby isn't only yours but part of a wider family. If your mum is alone and lonely why not involve her early on? Banning family members for weeks on end seems uncaring of their feelings and you might be shooting yourself in the foot!

Your mum may have worded it badly but, assuming your sister didn’t ban her, then it’s not natural for a a grandmother to have to wait 37 days.

Its very likely your mum assumed your sister would labour, have a baby, she’d visit, then your sister and the baby would go home and a new normality with the baby would begin.

NICU, covid rules and the likes are not normal and given her daughter and grandchild were going through a difficult time it’s normal that your mother found it difficult.

You sound a bit full on! No visits from anyone for 2-3 weeks?! We had visits from both sets of grandparents on the first day my sons were born (pre covid so we were allowed visits to the hospital). My sister visited the day after and the over the first week, we had all close family and close friends visit. Tbh, everyone was excited to visit and I couldn't wait to show my babies off! You have no idea if you will want visitors or not and at what stage. So why set yourself a rule already? You might want your family to meet your new baby?

Gosh, I’d feel so suffocated if my extended family were like some of you! I think such reliance on your parents and siblings as an adult is really weird. I love my nieces and nephews but I’m not instrumental in their lives, and nor should I be!

I’ll be very excited to introduce our baby to our families when we’re ready, not as a desperate attempt to make them feel important.

You reap what you sow.
You never know what’s round the corner and what you or your future child may need. The reality is that most marriages end in divorce so holding your family at arms length is not wise. You sound really naive and sheltered.

How is a GP who has to drive for at least 4 hours to see you going to be suffocating?

You feel you are intruding even if you have been invited, you want calm, quiet time to bond, you don't ever want child care. You sound very introverted

I can see from your posts that you already have a picture of the type of relationship you want your children to have with their grandparents, which is fine, but please be aware that the bond between them could be much more. Don't underestimate what a wonderful relationship it can be.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

Well this is depressingly transactional. If you have as good a relationship with your DM as you say you do, OP, has it not occurred to you that that early bonding experience with your DC might actually be improved by being around people who love and care for you? It's all about the oxytocin in those early days and you'll want as much of it as you can get! Time spent with close relatives quietly enjoying the baby and cycling through rounds of tea is just as important (IMHO) as time spent with just you, DP and DC.

There's also an element of starting how you mean to go on in terms of teaching a kid who their "team" is. If any baby is fortunate enough to have a loving extended family, big or small, I really don't know why you wouldn't bring them in from the get-go, for your DC's benefit as well as yours.

I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow

Blimey. And you want your sister to have some therapy? Maybe have a look closer to home. Your attitude to your Mum is awful.

And you are very prescriptive in that you think your sister needs 'some help'.

Help your Mum work through her grief. I'm assuming it was your Dad she lost? If so, how are you?

And maybe understand that she's looking forward to being a Grandmother. How long it took her to meet your niece (not your daughter) is none of your business.

I’m very interested in all your opinions though! I’m glad I wasn’t being UR about her comment being OTT.

Interestingly we’ve discussed our plans with some of our family and no one has screamed the house down about it so maybe they’re upset behind closed doors but no one has criticised us to our faces.

OP you sound (respectfully) like someone who sees childbirth as an opportunity to exert control over others.

How can your first thought about a child’s extended family be about how you’ll ‘ban’ them? If / when you have a baby they will have a right to the widest possible range of loving adults you can muster. I won’t bore you with the cliché - but the narrow, strictly nuclear family you’re positing hasn’t been shown to enhance social cohesion or good mental health in the UK …

Honestly, I’d think again. Your child needs people to love them and feel invested in them.

you aren't actually pregnant? Then i wouldn't get into this kind of conversaion until you are...and I don't think your Mum should either. People move to different countries and have babies and its longer than a month before granny and babe meet and the world does not end....and I think its a bit "me me" of your mum to make your sis's situation about her "Oh your sister is fine but me I am traumatised" If it was me I'd be laughing it off in an "oh give over mum" way and changing the subject.

They’re all being polite. …. Unlike yourself…

@sweeneytoddsrazor I’m not introverted (although DH definitely is!) I’m just very independent.

MolkosTeenageAngst · Today 12:10

I find the language of ‘banning’ family from visiting for 2-3 weeks very strange and quite extreme.

Same here. It is such as shame that DMs entitled attitude has forced OP into such language!

I think you and your mum are going to clash. You both have very fixed and opposing views of her role.

hopefully all goes well and you don’t need her in those first few weeks.

but your stance on no visitors for that long is unusual so be prepared to cause a lot of hurt and upset within both families.

but ultimately it is your decision:

good luck with everything

I’ll be very excited to introduce our baby to our families when we’re ready, not as a desperate attempt to make them feel important

I don't understand this. How is it about making them feel important?

It's something huge for your mum and your in-laws. The people they loved most have brought into the world a person who is going to be massively important in their lives, and equally loved. And in your mum's case her daughter will have been at some risk in doing so.

You seem really emotionally detached regarding the importance of this event to the GPs (though I really appreciate that you took my other post on board).
But like I said, it's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

I do hope you've told your mum that you're banning her from meeting her new grandchild in good time.

I would hate to think of her imagining all the newborn cuddles she's not going to get.

It's up to you what you do once your baby has been born. I think in your position I would have told your mother that what happened with the baby being in NICU, etc has affected your sister and if your DM feels traumatised, she should try putting herself in her daughter's shoes. Your sister has no option really other than to carry on and perhaps this lack of drama is why your mother hasn't realised as she's focused on herself.

Wow. I’m someone that needs their space but you are coming across pretty cold and controlling. Is that your intention?

Your Mum is a lonely widow (by your own description) who felt sad she missed seeing her first grandchild through circumstances out of everyone’s control, and you’re actively planning to make that her reality again.

Just… wow.

OP is pregnant ….. and making a rod for her own back 🤷‍♀️

Come back OP when you have your own kids and they have babies, see how happy you are to stay away.