To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

You’re v. lucky to have your mum around and a good relationship and wanting to be with you.

Calling her a lonely widow is so bloody mean, Christ stone her for wanting to be near her new family who might even remind her of when you were born, your dad, happier times?!

Loneliness isn’t catching

Newborns are hard, lonely and boring. You’re about to find out a bit what it’s like to be her.

Your mum saying she's traumatised by not seeing the baby, especially under this econditions does sound a little OTT (unless you're taking it out of context - I know that one of the things I miss the most about my mum is that she was one of the few people who was as invested in the wellbeing of my children as me. When DS had surgery as a toddler, she wasn't hounding us, but I kept her updated because I knew that she was as worried as I was. So I can easily believe that your mum found the baby being in the NICU very stressful).

There are a lot of people on MN who are all about the 3 weeks to bond rule. If that works for you, fine. Personally, I think it's sad. The photo I keep on my dressing table of my mum is of her and 2-day old DS.... the look of joy and happiness on her face is priceless and how I most want to remember her.

I think it's hard because most grandparents (under normal circumstances) would expect to meet a new baby asap, particularly if they are local.

Your mum might be being a bit over the top about it, and making it about her when it isn't, but I think your plan to ban visits even from your own mother for 2-3 weeks after the birth would be hurtful to most grandparents.

I am expecting a baby too and the grandparents on both sides would be puzzled and upset if I said they couldn't meet the baby for 2-3 weeks, unless there was a genuine reason why, like obviously your sister had.

Well of course they haven't!

MN demands that families respect their choices and don't kick off. But it's ridiculous to think that them being respectful means that they're not upset or sad.

I don't see much reliance in any of these posts, just loving family dynamics and families who help each other out? Of course my DM wants to be involved in her grandchild's life. They love spending time together and my DD absolutely adores her.

My mum is three hours away but with my first, she came up when I went into labour to dog sit and when I came home from hospital she had made a huge pot of bolognaise for us and soup for the freezer l, had a cuddle of the baby and then left us to it after checking I didn't need her to stay.

This time she and stepdad have rented a nearby cottage for 10 days to help with older DD when my husband goes back to work after paternity leave.

They aren't intrusive or overbearing, they just love us and want to spend time with us and help us out because that's what loving families do 🤷‍♀️

I think it's a bit weird you are already deciding what kind of relationship your child and grandparent should have. Just let it develop organically and naturally. Watching my mum and DD together is one of the great joys of my life. They just love the bones of each other.

Your DM just sounds a bit dramatic. I'm very much like you. It's all a bit weird 😂

Not introverted, just unkind. And what's worse, not carelessly so. Deliberate, planned unkindness to a 'slightly lonely widow' who just wants to meet her grandbaby.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I am in therapy! Good spot! Love therapy - think everyone should go like they go to the gym.

My Dad dying definitely changed all our lives (obviously) and relationships with each other. He was the person who made all of us work better together. However it isn’t something that feels fresh or raw in my life, although we’re grieving always grieving. Interestingly, I think my Dad would be the most supportive of me in this and would have told DM to get a grip about my sister. He was super distant from his extended family as an adult and always wanted us to be very independent and capable as adults and be able to set boundaries. He was amazing and so loving and really made me who I am, and I know he would have been very happy to wait to meet his grandchildren if that’s what his children wanted!

I never understand banning people from visiting. I loved people popping round to meet the baby, it’s so lovely to have so many people that care about you and the baby. Enjoy it some people don’t have anyone to ban from visiting.

I posted about this when I was pregnant, @greenvelvetcouch , and got the same replies here, but in real life, the midwives, my NCT group, and my friends all pushed us towards planning a few weeks by ourselves. I don't know if the age range on MN now tilts more towards MILs who would hate it; or if it's a big recent change or what, but this was the only place where people suggested it was horrendous.

My in-laws were the worst about it; and turned up to the hospital three times, including when I was in labour. We hadn't told them I was in labour, because I suspected they'd try to come. It was hellish. I took baby to see them when we were released from hospital because I felt DH & baby deserved that, but they've seen him FAR less than they would have done if they hadn't constantly pushed my boundaries, because I feel genuinely traumatised by it. When I was being prepared to be air-transferred, my husband had to be downstairs begging them to leave before the police arrived. They aren't sorry.

If you feel you'll want time to yourselves, prepare people now, expect some entitlement, and get ready to defend it. If you change your mind, you can always invite people over earlier.

(And before anyone suggests it, my parents aren't alive, so this isn't a case of preferring them to my in-laws)

I am very independent as well, but that doesn't mean shoving my family aside.

A desperate attempt to make them feel important? That is just vile. Its an opportunity for family to meet someone they will love and will hopefully love them back.
You are not coming across as independent you are coming across as cold, hard hearted and self centred

Ok it's your choice. It's just such a vulnerable time and you can't do everything yourself. You might be very tired and tearful and need that bit of help. There's no need to try and manage on your own with DH. On the other hand you might breeze through it and love every second! It does sound like you're putting your guard up for whatever reason though.

OP, I'm not particularly close to my family, we live a few hours away, I've never relied on them for any childcare etc. I also had quite a traumatic birth. But having my mum a few days after we got out of hospital was lovely. She held her granddaughter, made me lunch, chatted about what it was like when I was born (I asked!) and it was a lovely time. She didn't outstay her welcome and it didn't interfere with any bonding. And let's face it babies aren't good conversationalists, so it was nice to have someone to chat to!

This is your first isn’t it op?

There’s a saying - “it takes a village to
raise a child” Don’t make up rules till you see what it’s really like.

I don’t see what having visits from extended family would bring us?

Your mother is immediate family, not extended family. She's your mother!!

I'm very independent. And introverted. I'd say you are more... detached.

I hope that you are prepared for the day you become a grandparent if this is how you plan to raise your children.

I'd have given anything for my mum to meet my DC.

Tbh it doesn't sound like you like your Mom much, no idea in the rest of them but perhaps they expect you to keep the baby away from the extended family so aren't suprised

your attitude is very sad

I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

There's a massive stretch between being suffocating and a grandparent looking in to see her grandchild just once soon after s/he has been born. Why assume someone is suffocating just because they're unhappy that they didn't see their grandchild for over five weeks?

OP - I'm an introvert and very easily feel suffocated. I even feel suffocated by own children and DH who I adore!! However after having one child and seeing what those early weeks are like I was VERY keen to have family support. It's why I invited my MIL over for 3 weeks to coincide with the birth of my second child. I'm not someone who depends on the help of others. My in-laws live in southern Europe, my parents live 6 hours away. We're raising our children without any family help. However, it wasn't until I had children that I really regretted the fact I was so far from my parents. It would have been amazing to have them nearby as we raised our children - for us and for them and also for our children. You really sound like you've decided to keep family at arm's length but you can't control how close they'll become. My daughter is 11 and extremely close to her family in Europe. She complains every week that she can't see them more often and said she'll go and live with them at 18!! You think you'll know exactly how you'll feel when you have children but many of us had a complete change of heart regarding family once we became parents ourselves.

Be careful what you wish for.

I see both sides RE the 2/3 week thing. I’m a very introverted person who lives (and likes) a quiet and fairly private life, I love my parents but we only speak every couple of months. They’ve also never really been that open and forthcoming with me about their own personal lives so I’ve never felt comfortable just divulging everything that’s going on with me on a regular basis. Plus i’m an only child, so my life up until this point has always felt a bit ‘under the spotlight’ compared with people I know who have siblings to share the parents’ attention. For all these reasons, having my parents suddenly steaming into my life when I’m freshly postpartum would just feel so awkward and intense.

Sounds like the vast majority of people posting here are much more extroverted and/or used to regular catch-ups with family members. Of course in that case if there was suddenly a rule of 3 weeks it would seem very odd/rude, but otherwise I really don’t see how it’s damaging.

Blimey. Visits from family and the help and support they offered kept me sane!

@TakeYourFinalPosition I am so sorry you went through all that - it’s so awful and sad that people couldn’t understand what you and your husband really needed in that time. I hope you feel as at peace with it all as you can now.

So interesting what you said about people in real life advising you to limit visitors - I’ve had the same experience! Friends who’ve had babies have all said they were glad they had a private post-partum experience or wished they had. And a lot of medical professionals have recommended it or written about it. Very interesting!

You say you're independent but I think you can be fiercely independent while still being able to feel empathy for others and be able to understand that others feel differently to you; your posts seem to indicate that's something that doesn't always come easily to you? Your words about making people 'feel important' to meet the baby really stood out for me as not really grasping the value of these meetings and interactions to others? That it may not be about status, it's about their love for you and this tiny new human in their family?

My own parents didn't meet my eldest until he was five weeks old and youngest was closer to 10 weeks - they live on the other side of the world and we planned them coming for when we knew the baby would have arrived and we could all get a lot out of their time. So I don't think you need grandparents around in the early weeks. But thinking about their relationship with their grandchildren - ultimately that's their relationship, not yours, and by making choices for your children that will potentially limit and diminish what could be a really rich relationship, you are forgetting that your child is an individual in their own right.