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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands Burial Plot

311 replies

Bellysmackers · 05/06/2022 20:13

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/06/2022 05:59

How will having ownership of the plot change anything for the parents?

it doesn’t stop them visiting the grave, laying flowers, sitting at the graveside

so what will change of ownership change for them as parents?

echt · 07/06/2022 06:06

ivykaty44 · 07/06/2022 05:59

How will having ownership of the plot change anything for the parents?

it doesn’t stop them visiting the grave, laying flowers, sitting at the graveside

so what will change of ownership change for them as parents?

They'll be able remove and have a new headstone put in. Probably they'll be able to have ashes interred.

StopStartStop · 07/06/2022 06:29

"The average burial plot cost including the burial or interment fees as they are known is currently £1,986 but this varies hugely depending on location. For example, the cost of the burial plot alone can range from £500 to thousands of pounds if the cemetery is in London."
I searched it. I still think this is what they are after.

It seems very heartless to not give the parents the plot. They raised him, and it cannot be fair that connection by marriage can take that from them.
It seems extremely unreasonable of his family to make such a request. On marriage, a man 'leaves his parents' and becomes one with his wife. Thereafter, she is his next of kin.

Soontobe60 · 07/06/2022 06:42

I’m wondering why they are now asking for the ownership of the plot to be transferred to them? When your late DH died, I’m assuming that you organised his funeral and that it was paid out of his estate. You say you lived abroad at that time - was his funeral back here in the UK? You comment about the house you owned at the time being rented out and being trashed - but that’s not his family’s fault is it?
when my sister died very suddenly, her DP organised the funeral, which we as a family believed was as it should be. 15 years after, our father died and we wished to have his ashes interred with my sister - his eldest daughter. We didn’t realise that we’d need permission off her ex DP and it took some time to arrange this.
OP, without meaning to be hurtful, your late husband’s family are doing what most families would do. They want his burial plot to be owned by his family. They, like me, may not have realised at the time that burial plots actually belong to whomever arranged the burial. Be honest, what are your reasons for the, not wanting to take ownership? If you read back through your own posts, you write a lot about how awful his family were when he died etc which makes it sound like you are being spiteful. If my child died young and I wasn’t able to have any ownership of where she was buried it would hurt beyond belief.
You have moved on - you have another husband and children. His family cannot move on. His parents have lost their child, his siblings have lost their brother, his grandparents their grandchild. You need to do the honourable thing and hand over his burial plot to his family.

ChristmasCurry · 07/06/2022 08:00

After the way they have treated you, I would give them nothing.

JenniferBarkley · 07/06/2022 08:01

They want his burial plot to be owned by his family.

It is. It's owned by his wife.

Ordinarily a MIL proclaiming she's immediate family and the wife isn't gets short shrift on MN.

3luckystars · 07/06/2022 08:22

They are wealthy for a reason. They wouldn’t help you out with the cost of their sons funeral and now want a free grave because one of them is dying.

use your own gut feelings here. What would your husband want. Good luck.

ivykaty44 · 07/06/2022 08:25

They'll be able remove and have a new headstone put in. Probably they'll be able to have ashes interred.

which is disrespectful of the widow

Has there been any mention of offering money to reimburse the widow for the cost of the plot or do they just want it for free?

echt · 07/06/2022 08:35

You have moved on - you have another husband and children

How I hate "moving on". Getting married again in no way implies a lack of love for the dead spouse. He is still her husband, she will always be his widow, always his next of kin.

If my child died young and I wasn’t able to have any ownership of where she was buried it would hurt beyond belief

If your child was married, you wouldn't get any say in it, you wouldn't be NoK.

Fraaahnces · 07/06/2022 10:00

Being remarried doesn’t erase OP’s past with her husband, no matter how long ago - or how long they were together. I suspect if the grave is signed over to “his immediate family” (🤯), I suspect THEY will erase OP’s history with her DH by changing the headstone, etc. Nope… They can buy their own.

MadameDragon · 07/06/2022 12:56

It’s very cruel to say the OP ‘moved on’. She didn’t, she got moved on by circumstances outside her control. She lost a planned future.
A friend died young and unexpectedly shortly after marriage. Her family were comforted that although she had missed out on a lot of her life, she had at least had one of life’s big experiences (deciding to commit to someone) before she died. They’ve never implied the marriage didn’t matter because it was only a few months long because they understood that it was the planned years ahead that counted.

JenniferBarkley · 07/06/2022 13:06

MadameDragon · 07/06/2022 12:56

It’s very cruel to say the OP ‘moved on’. She didn’t, she got moved on by circumstances outside her control. She lost a planned future.
A friend died young and unexpectedly shortly after marriage. Her family were comforted that although she had missed out on a lot of her life, she had at least had one of life’s big experiences (deciding to commit to someone) before she died. They’ve never implied the marriage didn’t matter because it was only a few months long because they understood that it was the planned years ahead that counted.

Exactly. An old neighbour of mine from my childhood died recently in her 30s, leaving a relatively new husband and a little baby. They used a wedding photo on her death notice, it would break your heart to look at her happy smile. I'm glad no one downplayed her husband's grief because they hadn't been married long - that's what's so bloody tragic about it.

Original poster
Bellysmackers · 07/06/2022 15:33

Soontobe60 · 07/06/2022 06:42

I’m wondering why they are now asking for the ownership of the plot to be transferred to them? When your late DH died, I’m assuming that you organised his funeral and that it was paid out of his estate. You say you lived abroad at that time - was his funeral back here in the UK? You comment about the house you owned at the time being rented out and being trashed - but that’s not his family’s fault is it?
when my sister died very suddenly, her DP organised the funeral, which we as a family believed was as it should be. 15 years after, our father died and we wished to have his ashes interred with my sister - his eldest daughter. We didn’t realise that we’d need permission off her ex DP and it took some time to arrange this.
OP, without meaning to be hurtful, your late husband’s family are doing what most families would do. They want his burial plot to be owned by his family. They, like me, may not have realised at the time that burial plots actually belong to whomever arranged the burial. Be honest, what are your reasons for the, not wanting to take ownership? If you read back through your own posts, you write a lot about how awful his family were when he died etc which makes it sound like you are being spiteful. If my child died young and I wasn’t able to have any ownership of where she was buried it would hurt beyond belief.
You have moved on - you have another husband and children. His family cannot move on. His parents have lost their child, his siblings have lost their brother, his grandparents their grandchild. You need to do the honourable thing and hand over his burial plot to his family.

I have not "moved on". Simply married again.

I was my husbands next of kin at time of death and arranged his funeral as such.

I am not being spiteful, merely fulfilling my duties as his wife.

If his family wish for their ashes to be interred with him, o have never been anything but pleasant, regardless of their behaviour and they know I wouldnt be obstructive in this regard.

What irks me, as always, is their underhand and fake way of addressing this. I guess if they had been decent/honest about their reasoning for wanting ownership of the plot we could have discussed internment. As it stands- their history of complete disregard for me makes me less inclined to assist. I'm only human after all.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 07/06/2022 16:33

VirginiaWr · 07/06/2022 05:48

It seems very heartless to not give the parents the plot. They raised him, and it cannot be fair that connection by marriage can take that from them. How they treated OP was poor, but that is not a good enough reason to withhold this from them. Parental love is very different from spousal.

Then why did they not contribute to the costs at the time if it means so much to them?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 07/06/2022 16:45

Bellysmackers · 07/06/2022 15:33

I have not "moved on". Simply married again.

I was my husbands next of kin at time of death and arranged his funeral as such.

I am not being spiteful, merely fulfilling my duties as his wife.

If his family wish for their ashes to be interred with him, o have never been anything but pleasant, regardless of their behaviour and they know I wouldnt be obstructive in this regard.

What irks me, as always, is their underhand and fake way of addressing this. I guess if they had been decent/honest about their reasoning for wanting ownership of the plot we could have discussed internment. As it stands- their history of complete disregard for me makes me less inclined to assist. I'm only human after all.

Show quote history

Posters who think that widows ‘move on’ cannot have experienced the loss of a spouse. Life goes on, of course it does…it has to. But the love for the spouse that died doesn’t just end because they’re gone…at least, not in my case. I’m fully behind your decision to retain control; if nothing else, you’ll out live his parents and so need to retain the control. Fortunately my husband had a good relationship with his parents, as do I still, so this is a non issue for us. But I also know he’d want me to retain ownership/control of his plot, not them. You’re doing nothing wrong x

StopStartStop · 07/06/2022 21:21

I have not "moved on". Simply married again.

Of course. You aren't required to stay single forever. It is cruel of your late husband's family to act as if your marriage is irrelevant.

💐

StopStartStop · 07/06/2022 21:22

And by that I meant your first marriage. Just because your life has continued doesn't mean that the first marriage no longer matters.

Travis1 · 07/06/2022 21:47

Fuck me some of the cunty comments on this are mind blowing.

op I wouldn’t sign it over and I’d cut all
contact with them now. This must be dragging up a lot of old feelings for you 💓

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 07/06/2022 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AppleKatie · 07/06/2022 22:14

Don’t be obtuse.

echt · 07/06/2022 22:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

No it isn't, and I have the views of a number of widows on this.

blubberyboo · 07/06/2022 22:31

People on here are twats.
of course it is your legal and moral right to retain the plot. The only possible reason they could want it is to erase your name or any reference to him having a wife from the headstone. To do so is to actually disrespect their own son by dismissing his love for his wife.

if they merely wanted ashes to be buried there they could ask.
I would call out in no uncertain terms OP that he was your husband you loved each other and the plot will remain in your ownership

NamelessNancy · 07/06/2022 23:05

A few people have asked about what will happen after you're gone op. Will the plot pass to your second husband and/or children with him? I can see why this would be a valid issue for your first husband's family. Is there any scope for you to retain the plot in your lifetime and leave it to them in your will but in the meantime consider any request for internment of ashes?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 08/06/2022 13:40

What a load of unkind bollocks being spouted to the OP on this thread.

So the OP has another husband now so the first no longer matters? Why is that reasonable yet to say that her DH's parents have another child so the loss of another one doesn't matter isn't?

OP in your shoes I would not transfer ownership either. You have been far more reasonable and gracious that many would be given how they've treated you. If they were genuinely sorry and their initial reaction had been due to grief they would have apologised genuinely without wanting something back. They have only apologised because they want something and are still dismissing you. No. That's not ok. And you are and always will be his next of kin

vivainsomnia · 08/06/2022 13:54

It seems extremely unreasonable of his family to make such a request. On marriage, a man 'leaves his parents' and becomes one with his wife. Thereafter, she is his next of kin
A person never leaves their parents on marriage what a ridiculous thing to say. They will always remain their parents. A person can be a spouse and then stop being one.

I think it is sad you make it all about you OP. It's not a weakness to do what is morally right. Yes, they were not good to you. That doesn't mean you get to punish them because you have the power in your hand.

Do the right thing and let them take over. It won't change anything to your life, it will to them. Its a good example to set for your kids.

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