Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

I assume they want to die knowing their ashes can go there. If the OP owns the grave then she can say no to this up to the last minute - indeed she could agree for one parent to be placed there and refuse the other. They would not be allowed to have their names added to the headstone unless the Op requested it.
it is much easier (from their perspective) to know they have ownership of the grave.

They stole from you when your husband died and threatened to lie to the police about it. I'd be reminding them of that conversation when they are contacting you, asking for favours.

My feeling is they'd try to change the headstone or ban you from visiting. There's no advantage to you in signing it over, only potential grief. I don't think you owe them anything. At absolute best I'd say that I would leave it to their family in my will.

A person never leaves their parents on marriage what a ridiculous thing to say.
Genesis 2:24 instructs a man to leave his father and mother and cleave (be joined) to his wife.
@vivainsomnia Take it up with God.

There is a weird analogy for the situation with a step-parent taking over all death & post-death arrangements over and above biological children from a previous marriage. It's another situation that could be argued from both sides & can absolutely suck. In this instance kids have been in the persons life for longer than the spouse. And I'm speaking as a daughter who had to go through a religious catholic funeral for my atheist dad all organised by my step-mum & they had been talking about divorce just 2 months before he died - killed on his motorbike - yet she is still playing grieving widow 11 yrs on. She scattered his ashes in a foreign country without letting me know ahead or seeing if I would've liked to be there. Does it suck - yes! But you sit back and take it because there is sweet f a you can do about any of it legally. Spouse has all the rights in this country here even if the person has kids.

By the way you write about it, OP, I'm not surprised they've struggled to come across any other way.

Your reasoning behind keeping ownership of his remains and final resting place is in all honesty very hurtful.

You have also yet to answer how long you were actually together or indeed, married. Which I suspect is because it wasn't very long at all.

Tell them they can have it, if they agree to purchase another plot in return.

You have also yet to answer how long you were actually together or indeed, married. Which I suspect is because it wasn't very long at all

Irrelevant.

Is that the kind of thing you'd say to someone who has miscarried/birthed a stillborn child/ had their child die in infancy? Thought not.

Why is handing it over to them “the right thing”?

Perhaps the late husband would have been less than thrilled by the behaviour of his family towards his grieving widow. Some dreadful, insensitive attitudes on this thread from people who I imagine would feel very differently had they been treated as badly as the OP describes.

How rude are her late DH's family?

They might as well have said "your not a blood relative and we've decided to punish you for not dying instead and then for moving on;we think it's a competition for who loved him more".

In order to have their ashes interred there they need to have the permission from the owner of the grave however if it's a single plot there can be an awful lot of red tape surrounding it.We're still trying to get my mum in laws ashes interred with her late parents and her elder sister as was her wishes but even though they all three are already buried there we've been hit with one issue after another;it's now been over 5 years.

So if they'd been together for 4 weeks, and got married in Vegas on a pissed-up whim, then he died 48hrs later, you'd think that was irrelevant?

Aye, ok.

If you can't see a short marriage in your 20's is really not all that significant in the grand scheme of things, regardless of the reason why it ended, then you may want to look at improving your critical thinking.

Or are you the type who thinks the boy you fancy at 17 can be your life altering 'one true love'? Give over.

I imagine OPs deceased ex partner would probably be pretty pissed that she's moved on with her life, but then wont give his parents the comfort of having control of his remains and burial plot.

Whatever.

It's none of your business.

Vows are until death do us part. OP is no longer married to him, and as such is no longer his wife. She's someone else's wife.

After the management of his estate she pretty much became nul and void in terms of anything to do with him, other than ownership of the burial plot. Because upon death they are no longer married 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oddly enough unless you're the OP it's equally none of yours, either.

Did you think long and hard to come up with that answer? Or just realised there wasn't much of a valid response. Because you're talking bubbles.

Ahem.

The "til death us do part bit is religion, not law. I am still my late DH's wife and would remain so even if I married again. If any aspect of my late DH's estate came up, even years later, I would be the person in charge of it.

The law distinguishes between the first and any other marriages, that's why all Wills become void on subsequent marriages and have to be re-written. Because the the woman is still the wife of her first husband.

I'm not the one prying for information from the OP. You are.

To be fair, in my experience people say that kind of thing all the time when you have a miscarriage.

@HappypusSadpus have you ever been married? I can only assume not. If you have, how long after the wedding was it before you felt that you actually were your spouse's closest family and next of kin?

For me it was the day of the wedding, because that's the whole point of the wedding ceremony, both legally and emotionally (and spiritually for those who are religious).

I've never lost a spouse, but I can assure you my late father is still my dad, and my late best friend is still my best friend.

I was asking the poster what they would say in those circumstances.

You paid for the funeral, therefore you own the burial plot.

It’s as simple as that.

People who ignore a grieving widow and remove her belongings (as your husband’s belongings became yours), and then taunt her that they will deny all knowledge to the police, don’t deserve consideration.

I would love you to tell this to my grandpa in person, that his marriage of 60 years didn’t count anymore because his wife had died. Her grave was precious to him, as the grave of his wife. Not his former wife. The graves of our loved ones are precious because they are dead. The op owns this one and I personally wouldn’t hand it over to the family that didn’t love him enough to contribute to his funeral costs or to not be very unkind to his grieving widow. You reap what you sow.

Please don't hand over the plot. For the single reason, if they own it and change the headstone (likely) they may erase you. Even if they include you, it may be as a footnote and it certainly wouldn't be YOUR chosen headstone.

Definitely be accommodating and, as you're happy to, allow them to have their ashes buried there if they wish, however don't lose your ownership of his headstone. They need to let him continue to RIP.

OP just to say please don't lose faith in humanity based on the dreadful responses you have had on this thread. Some of them beyond cruel.

You have every right to keep hold of your late husband's plot and you should definitely do so based on your experience of his family.

Wishing you some peace with this situation and hope you can manage to draw a line under this with them.

Thankyou X

There are some deluded people in this world. NO pain is worse than a parent losing a child. Lose your child when they are a young adult then judge. No the grief is not equal and it can never be, How dare anyone marry again yet hold onto the grave rights from 17 years ago out of anger and bitterness. I find these comments shameful. You sleep next to another man every night. You did not stay single bereft in grief which many many women did when they lost their men in the war. You moved on and that is a good thing to have happened. They never will he is dead forever. They might not have been as nice to you as you would have liked but holding the ownership of their dead son as payback is far worse than grieving parents not being as nice as they could have been.

@SabrinaSabrina2022
holding the ownership of their dead son

No person is 'owned', alive or dead.