Husbands Burial Plot

[Bellysmackers]

My first husband died in 2004. It was a very tragic accident whilst we were living overseas and we were both in our late 20s. His family never really bothered with me much afterwards. Never visited me etc. I always felt like they resented me for being the one who survived. Fast forward 10 years later I came home to find a gift on my doorstep from them that just said 'sorry' on it. A bit too little too late for me. I text pleasantries etc from time to time, but we had little contact. Then suddenly out of the blue recently, one family member got in touch via text being friendly, asking how I was etc. I fell for it (like an idiot), thinking there was genuine care there. BUT- she followed it with asking if I would consider signing over the ownership of my husbands grave to them as it would mean a lot and they feel this is the right thing to do as his immediate family. I have literally never even heard of this and would never consider it anyway ( and told her so) but can anybody think why they would want this? Has anyone heard of this before? And AIBU to say no??

NO pain is worse than a parent losing a child

Grief is not a competition.

No it's not. And their pain doesn't take away his wife's pain. And it doesn't explain why they want to own his grave. It won't bring him back or mean they can visit any more often.

How dare anyone marry again yet hold onto the grave rights from 17 years ago out of anger and bitterness.

how would grave ownership help? And it’s grave ownership they didn’t want to pay for 17 years ago

everyone can visit the grave, lay flowers, sit etc

as for woman in the war not remarrying… there weren’t enough men at the end of either wars and why there were so many spinsters in some generations

Oh ffs. Not everyone believes in a God or pays any heed to what’s written in the bible.

OP I second this post. Some posters here have been awfully cruel and hurtful, whatever their motivation is, it’s not coming from a good place. I hope you can disregard their venom and not take it to heart.

The ignorance shown on this thread is astonishing, although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, really. Losing your spouse young is so unimaginable that people can’t really put themselves in that position until they’ve experienced it.

My late husband will always be my husband. I will never move on, or love him any less than I do now. Even if I met someone else, I would still consider myself to be his wife, and I would still love him just as much. That’s the duality of grieving your spouse. Thankfully the law recognises this.

And FWIW, my FIL has lost both his spouse at a young age, and his adult son (who he loved dearly). He says that losing his wife had the bigger impact on his life and was, in many ways, “harder”. That doesn’t make it a universal rule, of course - but grief is not a competition, and blanket statements like “losing a child is the worst possible pain” are neither accurate nor helpful.

My point is that it's a very well known concept, to leave your parents and go to your marriage partner.

It's also quite well known in law, what with being each other's next of kin and all that.

So there, there, dear. No-one assumes you (or anyone else) believe in God.

I don’t think she’s holding on to the rights out of anger and bitterness. His grave is the only thing she has left of him. Show some compassion.

@SabrinaSabrina2022 have you read all of the OP's posts?!

Well, yes, it’s a well known concept. I didn’t raise any issue with the point you made, but instead with the manner in which you made it, referencing a text and a belief system that are utterly meaningless to many. You could have made your point without those irrelevancies.

So sorry for your loss op. Extend the offer to his parents if they wish his ashes to be with him, but other than that you owe these people absolutely nothing. No guilt, no understanding, not even a second thought. Had your late dh been alive you most probably would be together so you were always his immediate family. And that's who you will always also be to him. They didn't accept you back then, and still don't now. So you owe them absolutely zero.

Oh, bless. And you could have kept your comment to yourself.

As could you. And if everyone did that, this forum wouldn’t exist. 🤷‍♀️

So sorry about some of these responses! What did you do @Bellysmackers ? Hope you’re ok

If it were me I would say that as a bare minimum you should leave the ownership to his blood family in your will and let them and let them know that. Otherwise in the future it’ll be owned by your husband/children who never met and never had any connection to him. Also, If the parents bury their ashes there but you retain ownership, then in the future your husbands sister would have her parents grave owned by a family she has no real connection to and would need to get yours/your husband/children's permission to write on her parents headstone. That would be pretty awful.

I think for whatever reason you and your in laws don’t like each other. But also remember some people need to connect to grieve whilst others withdraw completely, so I think being put out that a parent who’s just lost a child wasn’t supportive enough of you is slightly self focused. I would have said it should have been you supporting them. I’m coming from a perspective of having sadly lost both a husband and a child. I can understand an elderly parent longing to be with their deceased child when they die without having it hanging over them that they have to stay on your good side in the meantime in case you change you me mind, as it seems like this is the determining factor to you on what should happen to your previous husbands grave (after all you’re only human). You say that you’d be more likely to hand it over to them if they were nicer to you, rather than what would be the kind thing to do, or how you husband would wish for his parents to be treated.

Will you want your ashes buried with him or with your now husband and child? If so, keep the grave, if not just let them have it. (Feel free to charge them for it!) I have no doubt that you loved him, and nothing that happens to that grave will diminish that xx

At the moment, I have requested that we leave things as they are and let my husband/their son/brother rest in peace. Should his parents wish for their ashes to be buried with him in the future I won't create any difficulties and will assist as best I can. I don't want to get onto "signing ownership of the plot" over. Yes I am remarried. No, this doesn't cancel out the love I had for my first husband. I wish they would let him rest in peace and me move forward in life. I can't stay stuck in 2004 it's not fair.

But what about all the all the points the poster below makes about the difficulty the family may have when you pass and ownership transfers to your own family?

It feels like you are stuck by not allowing them to have full control over their sons grave.

Well done Op, good decision. You've been perfectly accommodating without getting walked over. Right at the start you said you'd never consider handing over ownership and you're sticking with that. You're not being spiteful.

@misssunshine4040 the opening words of the OP's most recent post say "at the moment".

It is something the OP can deal with when she is ready, if she wants too.

It feels like you are stuck by not allowing them to have full control over their sons grave.

What control though? What could they do? Change the headstone? Dig him up? I mean really what difference does it make? They can still go tend it, lay flowers, sit by it and have their ashes laid there. What more would they gain from "having full control"?

Possibly the most selfish decision you could've made. You could've let them purchase the plot back giving them control if you didn't just want to sign it over. He was their son. You were his wife, but you have moved on... yet you won't afford them the same closure.

Awful situation, but genuinely of the belief you are deep down either an incredibly selfish person, or don't quite grasp what would be the moral thing to do here. Which in it's self is concerning and makes, no doubt not just me, wonder if what you've said is really a ballanced version of events.

His family should have his remains.

Disagree it's a selfish decision. The op hasn't said her decision is final, more "for now". Why should she be rushed / pressured into anything.

It's not really for you to fill in blanks to suit your preferred narrative. This isn't a creative writing exercise.

Based on what the OP has actually said his family have her husband's personal effects "I didn't even get a lot of my husbands personal effects because they took them and said if I involved police they would deny all knowledge."

Clearly the relationship has broken down but we don't know why.

It's also pretty disgusting that people are like berating the OP for being married to someone else 18 years later. The fact that she has continued with her life is a good thing. It wouldn't have done anyone any good had she chosen not to move on and live her life.

I agree @lamaze1

This request will have stirred up feelings the op needs to contend with and if the family weren't there for her at the time, she'll need support to process where she's at now.

It's very sad all round.