That’s excessive!!!
OP, please don’t read into those people who tell you to ignore his family. That’s hurtful, they weren’t nice but not horrible enough not to give them the one piece left of their son. We are all mothers here and I can’t imagine ANYTHING worse then this happening to any of us.
Long story - my parents are originally from Iraq and during the war my 16 year old uncle and his whole class were taken by the army as Saddam Hussein was going through his routine human cleansing after the intifada threatened his regime. My mother and her siblings were all in their 20s so he was the youngest. Very ambitious young man and would go out of his way to take care of my pregnant mother while my dad was out seeking refuge to get my mother out.
When the news broke out that they were taken to a different city to all be shot alive and buried in mass graves my grandmother officially lost her life as my mum would describe it, ‘that’s the day I lost my youngest brother AND my mother’. Grief does unimaginable things, no one should bury their child. My grandmother locked herself in her room for 7 years, every day my mother would hear her whimpering, her loud wails still haunts my mother. It seems the heartbreak they saw their mother in has been more memorable to them as they now understand the pain after becoming parents themselves.
My grandmother eventually left her room after a fortune teller came to see her with the news that she believed my uncle was alive (though no remains nor ID were ever found there is no way he is still alive). She of course hang on to that hope but unfortunately she never was the mother they once knew. She turned into an angry women, very short tempered, extremely independent about everything and started blaming my grandfather for what had happened. Whenever she brings up her lost son she laughs loudly and starts day dreaming about how he will come and surprise her with flowers one day with his own wife and kids.
Please don’t take this as me making excuses for your husbands mother, however please forgive her for her shortcomings. Speak to her and ask her why she wants ownership and communicate to her that you didn’t appreciate the comment on immediate family. Tell her you were and still are extremely upset with the lack of support you got from them. The reason I mentioned my mothers story is because her own mother failed to provide her kids with the support they needed when she went through grief of losing a child. It is unimaginable and no one knows how they will react in a situation like this. We can talk and give our opinion however it means nothing as we could never understand such a pain. Just the thought of it makes me teary.
Though you will always remember and love your first husband remember the sacrifices we all make for our children and how much they mean to us. They are our backbone and that is literally where they grew to become the humans we birthed. This is what I personally would do especially since you had no children with him meaning you will have your own place of rest while your first husband can be joined by his remaining family.