...to be really pissed off when people don't tell you...

[FedUpWithInLaws]

that their kid is ill before you see them...

Niece has a horrible cold and nasty cough (better not be COVID). We didn't know til we arrived to stay with the family (drove a few hours to get here and been stuck here 4 days). Now DS1 has caught it. He missed training in his chosen sport to come away for a few days, now he'll have to miss a week more to recover. If it's COVID he'll have to miss even more. He has a big competition coming up so needed the training. I'd never have come away if I knew niece was so ill.

Why do people do this? Drives me insane. When the shoe is on the other foot I always let people know 'little X has a cold, do you still want to come?', 'y has a cough, not sure why, but just letting you know in case you'd rather not come', etc ...

DS2 had a friend over a few weeks ago - again he was sneezing all over both DC, streaming cold, temperature. Mum dropped and ran. Both DC caught it. Now DS1 has missed training from this annoying playdate kid, and again he'll be missing it from annoying niece.

Wish people would not do this. or at least let you know and give you the choice?

Thank you so much @Diam0ndsareagirlsbestfriend

I genuinely expected to get hauled over very hot coals for my post, but instead, as of 8.30am today, you are the only one to have replied to, or mentioned me, and you agree with me!

I think that there are probably two or three reasons why I haven't (yet) been lambasted here.

a) My posts just look too long, so peoe can't be bothered to read them.

b) They have read some of my long posts in the past, and my posts have either annoyed, or bored them.

c) My post actually made so much sense that they couldn't think of an adequate (to them) put down, or argument, so they have chosen to ignore it.

So again @Diam0ndsareagirlsbestfriend thank you for reading it, replying to it, and as a massive surprise, agreeing with it 💐

No - but equally you can't expect people to stay home for weeks just for a lingering cough and a bit of a runny nose

No, but you CAN expect them to tell you about it before they come to your house or vice versa, so they can decide for themselves if they want to see you. That's not the same thing as expecting them to stay at home.

Some kids have allergies and never really have days without a runny nose or tickly throat. I was that kid and I would not have been able to attend school at all if mild symptoms like this weren’t tolerated. I’d always stay away from someone with a new baby or anyone with someone with a compromised immune system if my kids had cold symptoms but it really really isn’t feasible to stay off school/work and not go out on all the days one of my kids has needed their nose wiping/coughed a little bit when they first woke up. Sometimes the incubation periods on these viruses mean you pass them out before the symptoms appear anyway. And sometimes a cough or runny nose continues for days after the main contagious period is over.
Sorry you’ve all come down with a cold OP.

You are right that people should tell you and I always do. I do think you are over reacting though if it is a cold.

This.

There are cold, then there are COLDS. I have a tendency to a slightly snotty nose most of the time (allergies), and me and my siblings are prone to colds.

Sometimes these are very inconvenient, sneezing & nose blowing loads, then I just suck it up. But at other times, I'm quite ill with dizziness, temperature, problems breathing, unable to sleep etc. Both these sets of symptoms are "just" a common cold, as are all stages in between, but though I'm able to work with some symptoms others would mean I'd be a danger to myself and everyone else just driving to work.

But it's "just" a cold!

I agree it’s annoying but would you expect a heads up from the parent of every child at school with a cold and cough ? Different if it’s a stomach bug but nothing just a common cold.

Seldom dangerous to you but you don’t know who they are dangerous to.

It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to tell someone about a lingering cough or runny nose that I've had for weeks on end.

Obviously not, but why would that make a difference to expecting a heads up from coming to your house for a 1:1, totally arbitrary social call?

It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to tell someone about a lingering cough or runny nose that I've had for weeks on end.

Yes I know that. But as a result, there are people thinking "FFS I wish she hadn't come" when you go to see them. My point is that it SHOULD occur yo you. Especially if they have kids who tend to get illnesses much worse than adults.

Assuming those symptoms were originally linked to an actual illness. Obviously you wouldn't care if it was allergies or whatever.

If you are e hauayed, why didnt you cancel? Why putting it all in your in laws and their children? Maybe take some responsibility for your actions.

Well, I doubt they're thinking that, as nobody has EVER said to me "By the way, I have a cough/cold, are you still happy to come over/meet up?"

I've also never cancelled a meet-up due to a cold unless I was properly unwell with it, and everyone I know just goes ahead and meets up as normal too.

There is no such thing as Just a cold. You don't know how that cold could affect other people or their children, elderly or vulnerable family they might be looking after . It's common curtesy not to see people when you are coughing and splattering. The people who disagree are the same martyrs who never take a day off sick and force others to face their martyr germs. It's basic manners which many on where are obviously missing.

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable. But at the same time kids are going to catch stuff and pass it around. Symptoms aren’t always obvious prior to meet ups. My kids start coughing/sneezing/runny nose out of nowhere sometimes. Also I think it’s just part and parcel of the whole growing up thing. It builds up their immunity to it all. In all honesty I wouldn’t expect someone to warn me if their child was unwell as kids can pick stuff up from anywhere. All you can do is keep washing their hands and do your best to stop it spreading. Life doesn’t have to stop.

YANBU OP. It's absolutely the right thing to do to let people know. And to do a test for covid too. DS had a cold a few weeks ago. Tested and not covid. We were due to meet friends - let them know, they declined and rearranged as they had things on the following week that they didn't want to get ill for. Absolutely fair enough. I really can't understand the people on this thread that wouldn't even give friends or family a heads up and let them make their own choice about if they want to take the risk or not, it's common decency.

*Well, I doubt they're thinking that, as nobody has EVER said to me "By the way, I have a cough/cold, are you still happy to come over/meet up?"

I've also never cancelled a meet-up due to a cold unless I was properly unwell with it, and everyone I know just goes ahead and meets up as normal too.*

I'm not naive, it's clear from this thread alone that there are as many people who don't care about this as who do. But I really wouldn't take the fact that nobody has ever mentioned it to you as proof that nobody ever thinks it. Most people don't - because they've been backed into a corner socially, and put into a position where saying anything would look rude. But there are plenty of people who would be wishing you hadn't come.

Yes. Clinically extremely vulnerable people and their families have learned a lot in the last two years which of their family friends give a shit.

Exactly this.

Obviously that is awful and thank goodness she’s ok but people can’t actually stay in whenever they have a cold can they? It’s just not feasible. Yes D&V etc of course you and DC should keep off work/school and stay in but the majority of minor cough and colds people will crack on with life.

My friend does this and it has really affected our friendship.

she has invited us over and told us when we get there that they all have the flu or a vomiting bug.

she has also called to our house and announced ‘we all have headlice’ that was the worst.

I said to her after one vomiting bug incident ‘why did you do that?’ And she said ‘oh they all catch things anyway’ I was like ‘no they don’t if they keep away from each other, and I’m going to have to take time off work now if they get sick.’

So now if she invites us over I ask her a list of questions like a covid checklist 😂has anyone in your house got worms, scabies, runny nose, vomiting, chicken pox, temperatures ….. anything contagious.

And also, she INVITES people over when her children are sick. She also calls to people unannounced when her children are sick.

When my children are sick I shut the house down and would absolutely definitely warn anyone that wanted to call, that we were sick.

Wouldn't mention a cold in this age group since it's completely normal to have many colds and would make socialising impossible. I would mention d&v and anything that involved a temperature and maybe a cough that kept a child up all night. It really is normal for some children to have snotty noses for years up to age 7, just try getting a referral to ent for a permanent snotty nose and they'll tell you to come back when they're older. Lots of kids have glue ear at this age and most usually outgrow it, you can't exclude these kids for the majority of their preschool years for being snotty. It comes across that you didn't really want to see these people and you were only going for your partner's sake. You can't pick who you're happy to be given illnesses from

Not unreasonable at all but I worked in the NHS until 8 years ago and the work ethic/HR policy was such people would come in absolutely streaming. I could never understand it since we had direct contact with vulnerable people. I couldn't do it due to my long term condition being exacerbated by infection and used to get regularly hauled into 'sickness interviews' about my attendance record even though an incidental benefit was the protection from my bugs of both staff and patients. I really hope Covid had changed this terrible culture.

Why is it wrong to expose people to D&V but not a cold? I would rather have the former because it’s over quite quickly. I started with a cold three weeks ago and still feel run down and fatigued, I dread catching a cold.

Couldn’t you have just returned home if you are that worried about your child’s health and sport? Surely if you are that bothered you would have just left?