Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to be really pissed off when people don't tell you...

202 replies

FedUpWithInLaws · 05/06/2022 08:19

that their kid is ill before you see them...

Niece has a horrible cold and nasty cough (better not be COVID). We didn't know til we arrived to stay with the family (drove a few hours to get here and been stuck here 4 days). Now DS1 has caught it. He missed training in his chosen sport to come away for a few days, now he'll have to miss a week more to recover. If it's COVID he'll have to miss even more. He has a big competition coming up so needed the training. I'd never have come away if I knew niece was so ill.

Why do people do this? Drives me insane. When the shoe is on the other foot I always let people know 'little X has a cold, do you still want to come?', 'y has a cough, not sure why, but just letting you know in case you'd rather not come', etc ...

DS2 had a friend over a few weeks ago - again he was sneezing all over both DC, streaming cold, temperature. Mum dropped and ran. Both DC caught it. Now DS1 has missed training from this annoying playdate kid, and again he'll be missing it from annoying niece.

Wish people would not do this. or at least let you know and give you the choice?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 05/06/2022 10:29

It's that your attitudes don't align. I always let my inlaws know when my kids are coughing or very snotty as sil had a baby the same age as mine.They can then choose to come over or not. I am not afforded the same courtesy. If I find out whilst speaking to mil then we avoid going there. I'm not so worried about my 4 year old and 6 year old catching it but when the baby does she goes off her food and her reflux gets worse. That makes my life more difficult because her weight gain is affected and it takes her longer to get over. I also wouldn't want to go and meet up with someone who is feeling a bit rough if I was just about to go on holiday or do something special.

People have different attitudes to coughs and colds, they often don't think beyond their own situation and are selfish.

steppingcarefully · 05/06/2022 10:35

All of you saying 'it's just a cold, children get them all the time', yes they do but not everyone else wants your darling child's cold/cough whatever. Pure selfishness not letting people know. All it takes is a quick message and your visitors or hosts can decide for themselves whether they want to be exposed to it.

Worrysaboutalot · 05/06/2022 10:41

TreeP0se · 05/06/2022 08:25

so what if it's covid. Just don't test.

This is the kind of attitude which could kill me!

RoseMartha · 05/06/2022 10:46

I visited friends once and they didn't tell me one of their kids had d and v. Yes, I caught it passed that to all members of my household. I wasnt best pleased as I have emetophobia

I think it is just good manners to say. We met a friend this week and they told us their teen had a cold. We went because we were meeting outside.

SoSleepyMustWork · 05/06/2022 10:47

Oh my goodness!! This so irritates me!!!!

withgraceinmyheart · 05/06/2022 10:47

I think this is something that works itself out over the course of friendships, and we gravitate towards people who feel similarly to us.

I would keep my kids home for d&v, temps etc but wouldn’t for a standard cold. If I knew there was a particular reason eg new born baby, close to Christmas I would let someone know but I wouldn’t as standard. It’s not healthy to try and avoid every illness, which is why the nhs guidance is what it is.

People who have different boundaries have possibly decided to avoid me/my kids but in the long term that’s better. It’s difficult for friendships to last if you’ve very different values about something like that.

If I had a particular reason to not want a cold eg family holiday, about to visit my elderly gran, I would take responsibility myself and ask before the play date. There are lots of people I simply wouldn’t be able to see if I did this every time though, because their kids are in nursery and have constant colds.

Thebeastofsleep · 05/06/2022 10:48

I don't see a mild cold as something to mention. If it doesn't stop us going about our normal business I don't really class it as being unwell. One of us in the house is almost always a bit sniffly and it's hard to tell if it's allergies or a cold.

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/06/2022 11:07

I think mixing with a well child with a runny nose is alright but if it involves a temperature or D&V the host should inform their potential guests and consider cancelling.

StoppinBy · 05/06/2022 11:12

Ineedmorestones · 05/06/2022 08:29

Yabu. My kids are permanently ill. We’d never see anyone if I took this approach for a snotty nose.

Surely you should be giving people the option on whether to see you with sick kids or not.

My kids and I also constantly catch everything but I 100% tell people if we have plans with them prior to them coming or us visiting.

Your desire to socialise does not trump other people's desire to not catch colds from you and your family.

Onwards22 · 05/06/2022 11:14

I think mixing with a well child with a runny nose is alright but if it involves a temperature or D&V the host should inform their potential guests and consider cancelling.

This is my view too.

Loginmystery · 05/06/2022 11:19

I could not agree with you more. Absolutely hate this behaviour. My children are unwell now and I am keeping them home and not having visitors. It’s awful to be unwell and can be dangerous too.

of course you can’t stop catching things but you don’t knowingly do that to others.

user2908143823142536475859708 · 05/06/2022 11:24

@yikesanotherbooboo that's my take on it too.

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 05/06/2022 11:24

Yep drives me insane too, we've had it where we've gone to visit and the rele has just finishes with d+v, yet didn't mention it so we wouldn't cancel only to then give it to us. Makes me rage to be honest. School mums are as bad though, sending kids to party's unwell or cutting the 48 hour rule short as it inconveniences them for childcare. We had a sickness bug just last week because of this, someone sent their child to a party who had been sick (no one owned up to being the source but there were only children and parents from the class there) 8 children at the party came down with it 2 days later and then other family members got it. All because of 1 selfish mum who didn't want little Billy to miss the party.

ForestFae · 05/06/2022 11:25

I’m curious why people distinguish between a cold being “alright” but Diarrhea and Vomiting is a no go? Personally I wouldn’t do either and would expect to be told but I don’t understand this arbitrary line

Thebeastofsleep · 05/06/2022 11:25

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/06/2022 11:07

I think mixing with a well child with a runny nose is alright but if it involves a temperature or D&V the host should inform their potential guests and consider cancelling.

How do you know if they have a temperature?

I agree about D&V but if my kid is I'll enough that i think they might have a temperature, they're probably too ill to be out and about anyway.

Dajeeling · 05/06/2022 11:27

Well you’d better not ever send them to school etc OP…

Thebeastofsleep · 05/06/2022 11:27

ForestFae · 05/06/2022 11:25

I’m curious why people distinguish between a cold being “alright” but Diarrhea and Vomiting is a no go? Personally I wouldn’t do either and would expect to be told but I don’t understand this arbitrary line

D&V, stops you leaving the house, going to work and doing "normal" stuff. Mild cold doesn't.

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 05/06/2022 11:34

We have 3 kids, I wouldn't go to visit someone if they had a cold. One of my children has asthma, a "mild cold" for someone else can make him vv poorly and can sometimes land him in hospital. He's school age so we have to put up with it happening a lot at school, but we would opt out of visiting friends or relatives with a cold. Kids can't be kept off for every cold I understand that but friends and family visits can be rescheduled.

XelaM · 05/06/2022 11:35

RewildingAmbridge · 05/06/2022 08:29

Most primary school children seen to be ill more often than not, it's training for a hobby sport, it's not comparable to ruining the family holiday, an immunocompromised family member or an important exam. Do you think professional athletes and sports people never see anyone else's children in case they get a cold? 🙄

Some children train at an elite level, so mot "just a hobby" and yes professional athletes ate extra careful not to get ill/injured before competitions

XelaM · 05/06/2022 11:36

not*

MercurialMonday · 05/06/2022 11:41

I find it's one way as well - you have a cold how dare you they do quiet and so what if pointed out.

My DP brought us their cold before our first holiday. Turns out my siblings and their child had also had bad reaction to this cold and ended up on nebulisers none of which I was told. First day back for eldest at school Ds 3 turned into a nightmare - I ended up running down to GP as even that short journey he got worse and was struggling to breathe - he was straight on a nebuliser while they waited to see if he needed an ambulance.

DD1 was digonised as a teen with asthma - so may have happened anyway but still would have made his childhood a bit easier and I think would have been less dramatic.

It is difficult when you have individuals prone to near constant colds - as I was as a child - but I still feel my DP behaved badly.

It's exam period at the minute for two of my teens - I don't want either to come down with anything for next few weeks.

WhatsTheWeatherLike11 · 05/06/2022 11:42

I hate when anyone does this. It really winds me up. I met with a friend a while ago and when I arrived he was clearly poorly and told me how ill he'd been. If he'd said beforehand, I wouldn't have met with him because I'm pregnant and worried of getting ill.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 05/06/2022 11:48

heavyistheheed · 05/06/2022 08:40

A cough wouldn't even cross my mind to be important enough to warn people unless they were bringing a new baby or were immunosuppressed

You'll find a lot of professional sportspeople train through coughs and colds by the way

@heavyistheheed but how do you know that in two days time they aren't going to visit a newborn, or close relatives who are immunosuppressd? They could leave the house in the morning thinking they are fine, then once holding the baby, or hugging the immunosuppressed person, suddenly start coughing or sneezing all over them.

Please don't bother coming out with the trite (and no thought given to it) phrase:

"but they could catch it in the supermarket on the way home, whilst queueing for a till" etc etc etc.

I am talking about the fact that (especially since Covid, which has not just led to so many prople dying, but has also wrecked people's lives) no-one should go out themselves, or with a child that is ill.

I have several children (now adults), if they were ill with anything that was likely to be contagious, I didn't take them out - even if that meant they missed school - and if every parent/guardian had my views, these viruses would not spread like wildfire, which would have the knock-on effect that the virus wouldn't be there, so it couldn't make a child too ill to go to school a day or two later, and therefore the child's carer would not have to take take time off work to stay at home and look after their child.

Yes, the parent/guardian/ grandparent/ friend/ au pair etc of the first child who was ill with a virus, would have to miss their own job, or going out for any reason, as a worthwhile attempt at not spreading the virus everywhere they went; and yes again, a near-sighted boss might complain, but they will moan even more if they find that 3 or 4 more of their staff have to take time off in a few days time, in order to look after their own sick children.

It might seem to be "just a cold ffs", but "just" a cold can quickly turn into something far worse, especially for young babies, the elderly, the immunosuppressed. Please don't suggest that they should stay in all the time then, they deserve to live their lives just like the rest of us. Staying at home because we or our children are sick, is usually just a few days out of our lives, but it can have far more serious effects on any of the people I have mentioned above.

I do understand that it may make many people's lives a little more logistically difficult for a short period of time, but once implemented by enough people, that will lessen dramatically the amount of people who become sick, and therefore the number of people who have to miss work or school etc. During the recent lockdowns, Influenza practically disappeared. Staying at home whilst ill - works. It would be much better for us, both as individuals, and as an economic entity, to have a lot less work and school days missed, due to the vastly reduced spread of viruses by people who are either too selfish, or too stupid too care.

Diam0ndsareagirlsbestfriend · 05/06/2022 11:50

YANBU - I completely agree with you, I would expect to be told so I could at least make my own decision. Especially having someone that has an underlying medical condition in my household. It's so selfish of people to take the decision away from you! Just because an illness is mild for one person, doesn't mean it will effect someone else the same.

Diam0ndsareagirlsbestfriend · 05/06/2022 11:53

@TheLadyofShalott1 thank you for putting this so perfectly - I couldn't of worded this better myself! 100% agree with your view.