...to be really pissed off when people don't tell you...

[FedUpWithInLaws]

that their kid is ill before you see them...

Niece has a horrible cold and nasty cough (better not be COVID). We didn't know til we arrived to stay with the family (drove a few hours to get here and been stuck here 4 days). Now DS1 has caught it. He missed training in his chosen sport to come away for a few days, now he'll have to miss a week more to recover. If it's COVID he'll have to miss even more. He has a big competition coming up so needed the training. I'd never have come away if I knew niece was so ill.

Why do people do this? Drives me insane. When the shoe is on the other foot I always let people know 'little X has a cold, do you still want to come?', 'y has a cough, not sure why, but just letting you know in case you'd rather not come', etc ...

DS2 had a friend over a few weeks ago - again he was sneezing all over both DC, streaming cold, temperature. Mum dropped and ran. Both DC caught it. Now DS1 has missed training from this annoying playdate kid, and again he'll be missing it from annoying niece.

Wish people would not do this. or at least let you know and give you the choice?

I totally agree. I hate it when people do this!!

A temperature or D&V, sure, we'd automatically be home. A normal cold I wouldn't even think to mention unless I knew the people we were meeting had particular health issues.

Likening your DC's training to missing out on seeing an immunocompromised sibling or an important exam is

Totally agree. Until my son was about 7 every cold he got landed him in hospital, sometimes very ill.

The etiquette should surely be to let people know and let them decide if they still wish to mix with you/your child, not just show up and inflict the cold on everyone

I agree. It’s thoughtless not to let guests make the decision to avoid a cough or cold, themselves.

@ForestFae but if your child is really ill then of course you stay home, agreed. But in the case of a snotty nose or cough, I don't think staying home is necessarily. After all, children are still allowed into school where these things are caught the most. Obviously D&V, and things like that, no you shouldn't be socialising them.

And yes, you'd never leave the house if you stayed home each time because, kids are more often than not, have a snotty nose/cough.

Because when kids are unwell, there's anxiety about what it might be that's really horrid, then relief that "it's just a cold", forgetting how miserable it can be, and how unwell you can feel, when you have a cold.

Just stay at home. A host’s child might be incubating something even if they have no symptoms.
Stay home, except for training.

My daughter got seriously ill from someone else’s common cold. That’s “all” it was. I don’t think kids should go into school when ill either but that’s another argument.

That must depend wildly, because I have 3DC and they absolutely do not always have a snotty nose or cough. I can count on one hand the number of times they’ve had colds in the last year.

Jesus. If you don't value the play date, then stop being friends with the family. Be mature about it and stop seeing them once and for all. Why did you accept the play date if you don't like them ?! Don't moan about them passing on a cold here. It's a cold ffs, hardly the crime of the century.

Yes but clearly people have different views of what needs sharing. They might let OP know if it's D&V but haven't thought a cold is worth it. Probably as they are allowed in school etc. If OP is concerned about this I think the best thing for them to do is phone ahead.

Because every parent wants to have to the added stress of looking after an ill child, as though it is hard enough as it is let them fall ill

End of the day they should inform you so you can make a choice, they took that option away from you.

Selfish really, bit like my friends mother in law who full of cold went to see my friends 2nd newborn without telling anyone she wasn't well and now my friends first born caught the cold of her and she has to manage a sick child onto of a newborn baby all whilst she is still in alot of discomfort from stitches.

Utterly selfish

I don’t know why people think just because something is “allowed” that it’s ethical or fair. Just because you can send a child into school with a cold, doesn’t mean you should or that you shouldn’t tell people you’re meeting up with.

Fwiw I don't think it's wrong for you to have wanted not to be around germs if there's an important event going on. Just little kids get ill all the time so in future I think if there's something important- training or anything else then you or DH are going to have to phone ahead and check. Purely because to them they won't know how important these things are to you.

Well DH was speaking to the in laws the whole week leading up to this trip. Apparently all was fine. When we got here niece was coughing a lot and family tried to cover up she was ill saying 'oh she's got this strange cough, had it ages, it's not contagious, don't know what it is'. We had driven 4 hours to get here. I believed them and didn't think much of it at first. Felt sorry for her she had this chronic, non contagious mystery cough and believed they had tested her for COVID and it couldn't be that. It was only after SIL made them all finger food to share and I started chatting with niece I realised she clearly had a cold as well as a nasty cough. I spoke to her on her own yesterday and she told me she was feeling ill and had a site throat along with her cough and cold, and had been feeling poorly for a while before they came away and had been starting to feel better since coming away (so if this is better, it's clearly been bad). I doubt they've done a COVID test as they said they had. Why lie. Why not warn us. Why make the kids all finger food to share when you know your child is ill.

I would never have come if id known DC were going to get ill because niece is poorly. I just think it's important to let people know. It's courtesy. DH could've come on his own.

My DD's little mate came for a playdate, after about an hour announced her sibling was in hospital overnight due to uncontrollable D+V. It was too late to get her to leave at that point, but she hasn't been invited since....I was furious with the mother who hadn't mentioned a word.
We should be able to make our own risk assessments with all the information available.

If do grow a pair, all of you, ffs!

No I get that. If their kids often have colds etc though it might just not register with them to let their guests know. I personally would but that's because I have a rubbish immune system myself but it just might not even enter their minds that it could be an issue if its part of their everyday life they won't realise not everyone is in the same boat

Possibly. Someone earlier said their kids always have colds, mine don’t, so I suppose if you think all kids always have colds it might not register.

If she had a temp or D&V they should have kept her away. Cancelling a holiday for a cold is madness though.

I've always hated this even before covid at work when people came in with colds. It drive me nuts cos I'm susceptible to bad colds, that knock you out, and invariably caught the cold and had to take time off sick. There are ways to avoid infection - not touching your face, for example, but when someone's coughing and sneezing the infection is airborne so unless you stop breathing, you're going to catch it.

Some people have learnt nothing from covid have they? What a thick, inconsiderate bunch they are!

I had a friend who had just given birth to their fourth child. A friend came to visit to see the baby, despite their own child having a D&V bug, despite their child shitting all over their car with it on the way, they still came, 'because he was so looking forward to seeing you all'. Gave the whole family, all four kids and parents, the D&V bug on the visit.

So bloody selfish!

It is a shame they didn't tell you. Before covid, if we had colds and it was leading up to Christmas or something we'd let guests know so they could decide. Often people won't want to get ill before an event. However, some of this is also your responsibility. You could not have stayed. You could have said, "we don't want to get ill because we're planning to do x y z" and then got a hotel and done outdoor visiting, or turned around and gone home. It would have been annoying, but you did have options. Silently seething will eat away at you.
Nowadays, with some flights still requiring a negative test, if I'm 3 weeks away from a flight i prioritise my risk of infection. It has meant that when I've found myself in close quarters with someone who's ill I've readjusted my own plans to keep well. Each of us has responsibility for our wellbeing.

D and V yes, colds no. We never informed before covid so why would we now? Lods get ill, suck it up!

Selfish. People don’t want your nasty germs.

But a cold for you isn't a cold for other people. I don't want to be ill 3/4 weeks at a time because someone was too selfish to stay at home when they've got a cold.