Step mother gifting half brother his ‘birth right’ inheritance

[Undertherainbow00]

I just need somewhere to vent - I’m sure I will be shot down for being unreasonable but maybe someone will see my point of view or will enable me to view this through a different lens…
Family history in brief - step mother has been in my life since just before I turned five (I’m now 43) and she and my father began dating. My parents marriage broke down because of his alcoholism but being the 80’s, the judge decided he could still have my sister and I every other weekend. As a side note, step mother was eight years younger than my father and was approaching her 21st birthday when they got together. She too had a problem with alcohol but they masked their problems to the wider outside world… Her parents were not happy that she was dating an older man who was divorced with two children. However, as time went by, her parents (mainly her mother) warmed to my sister and I. When I was fourteen, my father and step mother had their child, a son. I should add that at this point neither of them drank but my father still had his uncontrollable temper that was often directed at me. She actively encouraged his discipline methods but would also be there to comfort me through my tears.
I fell pregnant at sixteen and to my astonishment both my father and step mother were supportive of my choice to keep the pregnancy. However, it could been seen as fulfilling a prophecy of their making… Problem child, pregnant at sixteen. I would just like to add, any problems I had were directed at myself - eating disorder, self harm and suicide attempts.
I completely got my life together once I was pregnant - worked and set up a home on my own.
That was all many moons ago now and since then I have made an attempt to improve my life chances. I returned to education as an adult and I have a career. However, at the ripe old age of forty three - I have never owned or have been in a position to save a deposit for a house.
Step mother engineered hers and my father’s will like this - their house split 50/50 her share to my half brother and my father’s 50 % share split three ways between all three siblings. Fair?
Anyway, her parents died several years back and left her a significant inheritance. She bought her two siblings out of the parents house as she didn’t want to sell it at that point. Today she has told me that she is selling it as my half brother is very anxious about approaching thirty without owning his own property. She is gifting him the entire proceeds of the house sale - a minimum of £500,000. I just sat there listening to her monologue of how much of his income is wasted in rent - I really can’t relate can I?
She waffled on that it was his birth right as they were his grandparents.
I feel SO angry as their property was bought from the sale of my parents house - so by that logic, my sister and I should have a greater share of their house.
My step mother has always spouted that she loves us all the same but words and actions are completely at odds with the reality of what our lives have been.
I feel bitter that I have forgiven them for their appalling behaviour when I was a child and I have never shared my experiences with my half brother. I have stood back and watched him have everything in life that I didn’t but this has really rocked me and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I am jealous that he will have a home of his own as I fear I never will.
I apologise for this ramble but if you got to the end - thank you! It was cathartic to just get it out of my head!

Inheritence is so sticky, isn't it?

Anyway, I think it's fully right that the SM should leave her parent's house to her son. That's fine.

However, I think I understand why you're miffed, OP. Your father essentially cheated your mother out of her home and her deposit and left her struggling for years. Now, your step brother is going to inherit half the value of the house (his mother's share) and a third of your father's share. So he's going to end up with a much larger share of the house that, had your father been fair with your mother, you and your sister would have inherited.

I know it's legally fine, but I do think that morally, it's pretty lousy of them.

Inheritence is so sticky, isn't it

agreed in that inheritances and finances in general leads to the most bones of contention on mn. There are so many different attitudes and perceptions towards it.

So he's going to end up with a much larger share of the house that, had your father been fair with your mother, you and your sister would have inherited.

Well no... Because it's a completely different house.

The house that OP and her sister could have inherited which previously belonged to both her mother and father has long gone, it was sold what appears to be many moons ago.

This house belongs to the step mother and father and was purchased during the course of their long marriage. It's nothing to do with OPs mother and the step mother is completely right to want her half of her house to go to her son.

People are talking as though the house in question is the same one that was previously shared by OPs mother and father. It isn't.

People are talking as though the house in question is the same one that was previously shared by OPs mother and father. It isn't
this.

I’m always astonished when someone’s posts about their “rights” to an inheritance. People can do what they like with their money. It’s not yours and never has been. Plenty of us go through life knowing full well we will inherit nothing. Get a grip. You need to make for yourself- relying on other people only ends in tears.

I understand you feeling hurt but there's nothing you can do.

My father had 2 children with his 2nd wife and died very suddenly. She got everything and it will all go onto them as I understand it. To be fair she did pass a couple of things on and has said I can eventually have a very particular item but that's it.

I don't need the money but even so it still hurts. Irrational really :(

That's not irrational.

I won't split everything equally with my step children because I want my half to go to my own children but I'd never do my DSC out of DHs half. That's wrong as he is their father.

It's potentially something like 50 years since the money was gifted by OPs grand parents... At what point can we just say it's her dads money and now, as they have built their long marriage on it, half his wife's?

In addition, for all we know, the step mother could have used her own funds to purchase this new house with her husband. It's not been said that the whole house was purchased with the sale proceeds of OPs mothers house and the SM didn't put in a penny. She could have paid half for all we know.

And really, why would OP know that with any certainty? It's not typical to know the exact ins and outs of your parents (even less so your step parents) finances dating back 40 years to when you were a child.

As a child that has no real parents I must say If you want it done do it yourself don't rely on parents to GIVE you stuff, some of us had to do it the hard way with no guidance no safety net no nothing. But we are still here so it must be possible.

I have 2 children of my own and 1 stepson. My will states exactly the same as your step mothers.
My half split between my 2, my husbands between the 3 of them.
My stepson will inherit from his own mother, so how is it fair if he also inherited from me giving him 3 x parents inheritance and reducing my own childrens?

Legally your step-mother doesn't owe you anything. It is unreasonable for you to expect that she shares some of her parent's estate with you, but not unheard of that she would. My grandparents gave me the same amount of $$ as they did their step-grandchildren. However, my parents also got married in the 80s and were married for 43 years when my stepmother passed last year. They are leaving the same amount to ALL four children, each had two children from a previous marriage. (That probably has a lot to do with why they are splitting the estate equally.) However, it's still rotten of her to do that with her/your father's estate since he's already getting a huge inheritance from her own parents. It would be reasonable for your father and step father to split the estate 3 ways equally for all three of their children. After all, you've been in her life longer than her own son. Honestly, this just perpetuates the evil/biased step-mother myth.

I have 2 children of my own and 1 stepson. My will states exactly the same as your step mothers.
My half split between my 2, my husbands between the 3 of them.
If you died first would it automatically go to your husband, is it secure or based on DH carrying out your wish after he dies.

You are not being unreasonable. You should discuss this with your father, however. It seems to me that if your Stepmother's son is already getting an inheritance from his grandparents, and quite a large one, that your father may be open to a 25% split to each child from the sale of the home of your father and stepmother.

Wait until you are in a better place emotionally of course and approach the conversation gently, from a place of wanting to understand. Something like, "There are four of us and it seems odd that we wouldn't each get an equal split, especially since brother has already received a generous inheritance." Just be calm and even about it and let your father speak far more than you do. Listen as much as possible.

Try to keep in mind that technically speaking, no one has to leave any of you anything. That your half-brother received an inheritance from his grandparents is literally none of your business.

I went through this with one of my grandmothers years back where the entire family was arguing over the inheritance, and it was beyond ridiculous. I decided right then and there I would not be a part of all that, and they could fight to the death over the money for all I cared. It was freeing! Sure, I did not inherit a thing, but I have peace of mind and freedom from a toxic group of people.

Best of luck!

In this case it doesn't reduce her child's inheritance at all. It adds to it. So this is a very different example you are giving.

After all, you've been in her life longer than her own son. Honestly, this just perpetuates the evil/biased step-mother myth
This is one of the oddest things I've ever read on MN, which is saying something.
My son is 2 years old and I'm currently pregnant. There are hundreds if not thousands of people who can say that they have known me longer than my children, including DSD.
But my babies are in a league far above and beyond anyone else on the planet in terms of my love for them and responsibilities towards them. This is a completely normal and natural way to feel about your children, and does not in any way shape or form make me evil or constitute some sort of insult to DSD, who is in a league of her own in her own mothers life.

your father may be open to a 25% split to each child from the sale of the home of your father and stepmother
It doesn't matter if he is open to it - if it is joint with his wife she doesn't have to reduce what she leave to her own child to give more to his and I'm not sure theres any way to force her.
The chances are he will predecease her anyway and all he can do is make sure his share is split as he would like between his children. He can disinherit his own son if he likes, and give his elder children more. He can't control his wife though.

After all, you've been in her life longer than her own son. Honestly, this just perpetuates the evil/biased step-mother myth

HAHAHAHA. My neighbour has been in my life longer than my son, what is your point?

your father may be open to a 25% split to each child from the sale of the home of your father and stepmother

He can be as open as he likes but it's not up to him what his wife does with her share both morally and legally if they own as tenants in common.

After all, you've been in her life longer than her own son. Honestly, this just perpetuates the evil/biased step-mother myth.

As if this is how inheritance works! Honestly, some people are batshit.

The split is fair.

OP.
You have us some right odd responses on here. The split of opinion is fairly equal. Some folk think your dad & step mum are way out of line & others think it's totally fair.

That says to me that it's not as clear cut as some pp seem to imply( with their batshit comments etc)

What really really matters is how you feel.

Would you consider taking time to write a letter to your dad & step mum explaining how yiu fee & how hurt you are?

Try not to be accusatory (hard I know) focus on what you feel rather than what they did if that makes sense.

Eg "as a child I felt blah blah" rather than
" when I was a child you did blah blah"

Tell them about your fears and worries & your thoughts re your grandparents legacy to the home etc. As politely & non accusing as you can.
But focus on the feelings & the hurt & the inequality of treatment (rather than the money)

Good luck & ignore the crazies on here .

Mumsnet has a section of stepmums who despise first family kids & also a section of first wives who hate second families. Both setS are best ignored as they bring their own bias into everything & can only see things from that perspective no matter the issue.

If your Dad is splitting his assets 3 equal ways, between his children, be careful about accusing him of creating inequality. Even if you do it politely.