Step mother gifting half brother his ‘birth right’ inheritance

[Undertherainbow00]

I just need somewhere to vent - I’m sure I will be shot down for being unreasonable but maybe someone will see my point of view or will enable me to view this through a different lens…
Family history in brief - step mother has been in my life since just before I turned five (I’m now 43) and she and my father began dating. My parents marriage broke down because of his alcoholism but being the 80’s, the judge decided he could still have my sister and I every other weekend. As a side note, step mother was eight years younger than my father and was approaching her 21st birthday when they got together. She too had a problem with alcohol but they masked their problems to the wider outside world… Her parents were not happy that she was dating an older man who was divorced with two children. However, as time went by, her parents (mainly her mother) warmed to my sister and I. When I was fourteen, my father and step mother had their child, a son. I should add that at this point neither of them drank but my father still had his uncontrollable temper that was often directed at me. She actively encouraged his discipline methods but would also be there to comfort me through my tears.
I fell pregnant at sixteen and to my astonishment both my father and step mother were supportive of my choice to keep the pregnancy. However, it could been seen as fulfilling a prophecy of their making… Problem child, pregnant at sixteen. I would just like to add, any problems I had were directed at myself - eating disorder, self harm and suicide attempts.
I completely got my life together once I was pregnant - worked and set up a home on my own.
That was all many moons ago now and since then I have made an attempt to improve my life chances. I returned to education as an adult and I have a career. However, at the ripe old age of forty three - I have never owned or have been in a position to save a deposit for a house.
Step mother engineered hers and my father’s will like this - their house split 50/50 her share to my half brother and my father’s 50 % share split three ways between all three siblings. Fair?
Anyway, her parents died several years back and left her a significant inheritance. She bought her two siblings out of the parents house as she didn’t want to sell it at that point. Today she has told me that she is selling it as my half brother is very anxious about approaching thirty without owning his own property. She is gifting him the entire proceeds of the house sale - a minimum of £500,000. I just sat there listening to her monologue of how much of his income is wasted in rent - I really can’t relate can I?
She waffled on that it was his birth right as they were his grandparents.
I feel SO angry as their property was bought from the sale of my parents house - so by that logic, my sister and I should have a greater share of their house.
My step mother has always spouted that she loves us all the same but words and actions are completely at odds with the reality of what our lives have been.
I feel bitter that I have forgiven them for their appalling behaviour when I was a child and I have never shared my experiences with my half brother. I have stood back and watched him have everything in life that I didn’t but this has really rocked me and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I am jealous that he will have a home of his own as I fear I never will.
I apologise for this ramble but if you got to the end - thank you! It was cathartic to just get it out of my head!

@weeeeeeeeee I'm interested in why you don't have any greater expectation of your mother-in-law to build up your partner's share.

I'm asking because I'm stuck in a job I hate because it's important - necessary! - to have financial independence. It's not my partner's money.

It's his responsibility to provide for his child and also their mother's responsibility too. They will be fine financially, fingers crossed.

But if they weren't - while I think I have more responsibility to them than society more broadly because of our relationship, I don't have the same responsibility as I do to the children I chose to have. That's because they have a full set of parents already.

It's a shame inheritance taxes aren't higher and housing cheaper which would help a lot to even up the playing field.

But it's not done equally when viewed in terms of it coming from grandparents and then to children.

Step mum and dad live in a house through inheritance from OP's grandparents. So, using step mum's logic, it should be split 3 ways equally between all the grandchildren/dad's children, so a third each. But it's not. Brother will get half plus a third of another half - 83% of the total. The sisters will get a sixth of the total each.

That's part of what OP finds unfair.

Typ - brother will get two thirds, 0.66

I think it’s more unfair than even that.

beciase the inheritance didn’t even come from her dad.

as op sees it her dad took money from her mum in the doveroce that her mum had inherited from her grandparents. This money was then used to buy the new family home.

her half brother is not related to this set of grandparents - either is her dad.

so the money should come back to her and her sister.

but after all these years it would be hard to unpack all that.

That's not how marriage works. You don't keep track of whose money anything was bought with. It just becomes joint assets.

Children aren't entitled to inheritance. You're not entitled to someone else's money. Dad does with his 50% what he wants and mum does the same. It's normal and fair for children to inherit from two sets of parents. Stepchildren don't automatically inherit from a third parent.

Although I'll agree it seems insensitive to talk about it the way she did.

Hopefully your Dbro will do the decent thing and renounce his 33% from your father's half.

No that isn't correct. My understanding is that the SM inherited cash as well as 1/3 of the house. She used the cash to pay off her siblings for the house and so it is nothing to do with marital funds.

The inheritance will come out of a marital asset (the house they are living in and any cash I assume) but I don't see what is unfair about dividing it in half and OP only receiving money from her father's hare. She will inherit from her own mother. Also, OP is in her 40s and her stepmother in her 50s so it seems a bit weird to be worrying about the will. She will probably be in her 70s by the time she gets any money and the SM could easily outlive her.

You are just making things up! They do not live in a house from OP’s grandparents!

Does not seem to be the case at all.

“Anyway, her parents died several years back and left her a significant inheritance. She bought her two siblings out of the parents house as she didn’t want to sell it at that point.”

That's not how marriage works. You don't keep track of whose money anything was bought with. It just becomes joint assets.

Given the length of the marriage, it will be considered joint assets if they divorced but that doesn't mean it has to be shared during marriage. They can divide it as they want. Many people keep their finances separate and that's up to them.

In her second post OP said “Step mother inherited 1/3 of her parents house and a cash amount. She used some of her lump sum to buy out her siblings shares of the house.”

The money is entirely from her half brother’s grandparents- nothing to do with marital assets and nothing to do with OP’s parents divorce.. I can't see why she would expect anything.

Step mother engineered hers and my father’s will like this - their house split 50/50 her share to my half brother and my father’s 50 % share split three ways between all three siblings. Fair?

Yes.

I completely sympathise with you on this.
If your sb is getting 50% from his mum plus 33% from his dad plus 500k from his mum via her inheritance - wtf?!
I have 3 children, only 1 is my dhs. I would never let him leave his 50% to just our biological child!! It will go to all 3 equally.

I think your dads share should go to you and your sister. His son is getting his fair share from his mum AND money from his grandparents.

Family can be so shit over inheritance and I'm sorry they are basically reaffirming your suspicions on your place in the pecking order of the family.

Can you not talk to your dad??

I've looked into split of assets in this situation as dh has 4 dc, 2 of them are between me and dh. This arrangement is pretty standard from my understanding and is usually balanced by the stepchildren also inheriting from their mother. Therefore it's what we will do. And I think their mum has a similar arrangement with her husband, who has a son from a previous relationship. He will be left 50% of their joint assets, and my stepdaughter will split her share between them. All together, from both sets of parents, they will be broadly equal.

Well legally I guess she's right but morally it's outrageous and no way would I treat step children like that.
Sadly money and inheritances can blow families apart. My grandmother left over a million to my cousin who was freshly out of prison (she believed her lies about wanting a second chance), not a penny to her other grandchildren.
Cousin promptly squandered the lot.

Tbf though OP, their house will probably end up having to be sold to pay for care so neither of you will get anything in that case. Don’t depend on any inheritance as it isn’t a definite.

unfortunately you can’t be upset about the inheritance your brother has been given, that’s his grandparents money which they obviously want to keep within their bloodline which is fine.

Have you got stepchildren?

How exactly would you stop your DH leaving is share to his biological child?

Why is it “morally outrageous” to give the grandparents money to their grandchild. It is probably what they would have wanted. OP has her own grandparents.

People on mumsnet seem to think selling houses to cover care fees is inevitable.

while of course sadly it does happen to some people - it doesn’t happen to everyone. There are no reliable statistics on it - but 15% of over 80 year olds live in a care home.

I don’t know anyone who has had to sell a house to pay for care home fees.

I think the issue here is that the joint house of SM & Dad has been agreed to be split 50% to the 1 biological child of SM and 50% to the 3 biological children of Dad (Consensus seems to be that this is reasonable)

BUT
Grandparents house is being treated as the sole property of SM despite the fact that (if I've understood correctly) she inherited 1/3rd of the property and had to buy out her siblings which she did with JOINT money, i.e. 1/3rd of the Grandparents property should be considered as belonging to the Dad. Given the previously and widely agreed principle that Dad's money is to be split 3 ways between his 3 biological children that would give his daughters some degree of moral (if not any legal) entitlement to support to get on the housing ladder too.

My proposal if they are set on selling the house and giving all the money to the kid(s) is 11% (1/3 divided by 3) to each of the girls which from the sounds of it is 50k and a huge assistance in getting a deposit for a house; and the rest to the youngest boy.

Worth making a case both for why you think it's fair and how much the money for a deposit would help you. Of course no one is ever entitled to demand gifts but I can see why this current proposal feels hurtful and unfair.

I would never let him leave his 50% to just our biological child!!
You don't get a say in how another person leaves their own assets. If you coerce him, that's illegal. If he's happy to do that, you didn't "let" him do anything.

I think your dads share should go to you and your sister
You are advocating that a father singles out one of his children and disinherits him. Not cool.

Family can be so shit over inheritance
Clearly.

In our family we work in these principles:
Spouses = Equal
My children = Equal
His children = Equal
So everything I brought in to the marriage, probably about 80% of which was from my grandparents, is now equally DHs, enshrined in how we own our home 50/50 despite all of the deposit coming from me. He's my husband, not my subordinate, and I would not have it any other way.
As my children are equal to me, they will have an equal share of my 50%. So 25% each.
As his children are equal to him, they will have an equal share of his 50%. So 16% each.
If either of my children started huffing that their half sister was getting too much of their great grandparents legacy because I had shared everything equally with their father, my husband, I'd be extremely unhappy with them.

The big question in OPs case is how the SM financed buying her siblings out their parents home. If it was entirely her own money, she can do as she likes. If it was jointly with OPs Dad, why on earth is he not on the deeds too and his new asset available to leave equally to all of his children?

The big question in OPs case is how the SM financed buying her siblings out their parents home. If it was entirely her own money, she can do as she likes. If it was jointly with OPs Dad, why on earth is he not on the deeds too and his new asset available to leave equally to all of his children?

OP has answered the question. The SM bought the house from the siblings using money she had inherited from her parents. It wasn't joint money with the dad and have no idea why OP is bringing up the divorce of her parents 40 years ago or the inheritance she probably won't receive till she's in her 70s anyway.

@thereisaway

It's not so much I don't have an expectation of my mother in law. At the end of the day, we are not entitled to inherit anything from anyone and I'd never give my opinion or expect DP's father to change his will.

I'm looking it from the point of view of a parent. If I met a man when my own DC were 3 and built a life with them and bought my first property with them. If we went on to have more children, there is no way in the world that I would allow him to split our finances so that our joint children would inherit more than my first biological child. This is why I've said OP should be directing her upset at her father and not the stepmum.

And in the case of my DP, however chaotic his mum's lifestyle is, and however much of a nasty man his stepdad is, I know for a matter of fact that if his mum did come into money, she would ensure that my DP would get an equal share. Maybe that's the difference between mums and dads.