Step mother gifting half brother his ‘birth right’ inheritance

[Undertherainbow00]

I just need somewhere to vent - I’m sure I will be shot down for being unreasonable but maybe someone will see my point of view or will enable me to view this through a different lens…
Family history in brief - step mother has been in my life since just before I turned five (I’m now 43) and she and my father began dating. My parents marriage broke down because of his alcoholism but being the 80’s, the judge decided he could still have my sister and I every other weekend. As a side note, step mother was eight years younger than my father and was approaching her 21st birthday when they got together. She too had a problem with alcohol but they masked their problems to the wider outside world… Her parents were not happy that she was dating an older man who was divorced with two children. However, as time went by, her parents (mainly her mother) warmed to my sister and I. When I was fourteen, my father and step mother had their child, a son. I should add that at this point neither of them drank but my father still had his uncontrollable temper that was often directed at me. She actively encouraged his discipline methods but would also be there to comfort me through my tears.
I fell pregnant at sixteen and to my astonishment both my father and step mother were supportive of my choice to keep the pregnancy. However, it could been seen as fulfilling a prophecy of their making… Problem child, pregnant at sixteen. I would just like to add, any problems I had were directed at myself - eating disorder, self harm and suicide attempts.
I completely got my life together once I was pregnant - worked and set up a home on my own.
That was all many moons ago now and since then I have made an attempt to improve my life chances. I returned to education as an adult and I have a career. However, at the ripe old age of forty three - I have never owned or have been in a position to save a deposit for a house.
Step mother engineered hers and my father’s will like this - their house split 50/50 her share to my half brother and my father’s 50 % share split three ways between all three siblings. Fair?
Anyway, her parents died several years back and left her a significant inheritance. She bought her two siblings out of the parents house as she didn’t want to sell it at that point. Today she has told me that she is selling it as my half brother is very anxious about approaching thirty without owning his own property. She is gifting him the entire proceeds of the house sale - a minimum of £500,000. I just sat there listening to her monologue of how much of his income is wasted in rent - I really can’t relate can I?
She waffled on that it was his birth right as they were his grandparents.
I feel SO angry as their property was bought from the sale of my parents house - so by that logic, my sister and I should have a greater share of their house.
My step mother has always spouted that she loves us all the same but words and actions are completely at odds with the reality of what our lives have been.
I feel bitter that I have forgiven them for their appalling behaviour when I was a child and I have never shared my experiences with my half brother. I have stood back and watched him have everything in life that I didn’t but this has really rocked me and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I am jealous that he will have a home of his own as I fear I never will.
I apologise for this ramble but if you got to the end - thank you! It was cathartic to just get it out of my head!

I would think it's fairer to split the money equally between 3 rather than 1 dc gets 66% & the other two get 16 %.

However I think the gps money is separate.

SO you aren't leaving your money to your step-child? But you are banging on here that everyone else should.

Have they structured this arrangement properly from a legal perspective? In order for this to work, they would need to own the house as tenants in common rather than jointly. If the house is held in their joint names, then your father's half reverts to your step mum if he predeceases her (which is the more likely outcome given the age gap) and she can then do as she pleases with her will (eg leave the whole house to her son). If the house is held as tenants in common, then your dad's half of the house would be held in trust while your step mum still lives, then would be split however your father dictates in his will when your step mum dies. It's worth knowing this as there's a risk you and your sister could be disinherited if things aren't set up properly.

Separately, for what it's worth, I think the proposed split is unfair. In our family, my mum and dad's house will be split equally between me and my two brothers, one of whom is my half brother and my dad's step son. I think this is right and proper. Step children are still children and I wouldn't treat my biological children differently to my step children.

I am not sure whether the set up is fair but I do think your step mother talking about buying her son a home as he worries about not being on the housing ladder whilst you are much older than him and will probably not be able to buy is insensitive.

I no it's hard op but this looks to be something your going to have to work through.sounds like your home life resulted on you containing it inwardlyband becoming quite ill with the disorders you mentioned.ypu don't want to relapse and this happen again.so whether this thread agrees or not you need to once again work for yourself to not take this on board.those illness are sneaky buggers and would love to reel you back in claiming safety from this new hurt.
What can you do now?work out what's in your control and What s not.then only set your mind on what you can.if this is happening feel the hurt but let it go.you can't change them,you can't change how your sm felt or treated you.but you can give your compassion and that love yourself.and receive it from so many others in your life...friends partners dogs!
Is your mum still here.maybe go see her or talk to her,not about this but just to catchup,let her no your both going to be ok or just get some connection again to people who do care for you.
Your dad and sm aren't going to change are they?will ruminating and making yourself I'll help that. So create that life you want,including of people who treat you proper.
I am sorry about the money.feel grateful u maybe get some.whst little might help.
Try not to be better.it makes you miserable.if they don't get it they don't.and many others won't because they aren't in your mind or know how deeply it effected you.and that ok.
Now you got to work for you on how to move forward.

Isn't your dad alive? Have you talked to him?

If your dad and step mum sold their house (which you was going to inherit 1/3 of 50% of it) then YANBU. Your dad put money towards the house if this is the case, he should of wanted you and your sister to have something even if it was a small amount compared to your half brother.
If this is the case where are they both going to live now they have sold the house?

I understand you are jealous, but from every perspective what they are doing is fair. What are they doing with THEIR money while they are alive has absolutely nothing to do with you. Granted it was insensitive of your step mother to talk about rent etc impacting your half brother when she knows you are in the same position, but she is entitled to spend her money (both 1/3 inheritance from her parents and the money she and her husband acquired to cover the rest) as she see fit. She has zero responsibility over you and it is her valid choice to help her son. In regards to the wills.. I don't understand how you can think it is not fair. Your DF shares everything equally between his children. What she does with her will is truly none of your business. It sounds like this woman was nicer to you than your own father, so perhaps you need to manage your expectations.

To gift my half brother all this money and to bang on about his worries about renting is just so insensitive.

Why don't you say so? Bring this up with your dad & SM?
Remind them that you too are renting, & have raised a child & put yourself through education, all off your own bat?

But the gps house is made of 1/3 inheritance and 2/3 marital funds used to buy out the siblings.

Plus all inheritance becomes a marital asset.

Therefore if the parents estate is any less than 1000,000 excluding this asset then surely the 1st 500,000 is the father's share as the son has already had the mother's portion?

If you're the executor then that's possibly why she's telling you?

Anyway it's your dad you need to be pissed off with here for treating your mum like that.

And she has no control over your share - that's coming from your dad. For all you know she's tried to explain to your dad he could do the same and help you out.

You keep up the moral outrage over this but do you not see you are doing exactly the same! In your set up 50% will go to your partners blood relatives and 50% will go to your blood relatives, although in your case it is a sister and nieces not your own child as you don’t have one.

This is exactly what OP’s father and step mother are doing, they each get a say in where their 50% of their joint assets will go. Just as you have.

Yes you are doing exactly the same thing!
Also I think in "blended" families assets are often kept a bit separate anyway. Eg. House as Tennants in common. Savings accounts in own name. It just makes it easier especially when kids are involved.

I get it op. They have directly benefitted from your DM and DGPs and now it's all being rolled up so your SB gets half of it.

I would pull away. You thought you were an equal child and you are not. So your SB can sort every single little thing for them now especially as they age.

I don't know why people are assuming SB will have to step up and look after them in their old age either. No child has to look after their parents.

I can understand how you feel.
I think she was very insensitive in how she's handled the situation, talking to you about your brother wasting money on rent when she knows you rent.

I also think it's unfair that she sees inheritance from her parents as something that can be passed to her son only but inheritance from your dad's parents shouldn't be split 3 ways equally the time comes. In both cases the inheritance has passed from grandparents through parents, so should be treated the same.

You can't do anything about it though. Maybe a quiet word to your dad?

I also think it's unfair that she sees inheritance from her parents as something that can be passed to her son only but inheritance from your dad's parents shouldn't be split 3 ways equally the time comes. In both cases the inheritance has passed from grandparents through parents, so should be treated the same. it is being treated the same.. its being split between each parent's children. It's not SM's fault dad has more children.

OP, you still haven’t really explained. You have told us about the will where your SM’s half share will go to her DS while your dad’s half share will be split between the 3 of you. That is their choice, so fair.

i take it that both your dad and SM are still alive (well obviously your SM as you are having conversations with her) so where is this 500,000 coming from? Are they selling the house, or what?

I think a a lot of people are saying YABU. based on the will alone so, without more information, you are getting a rather skewed response!

OP said that the grandparents house was bought out by the step mother, with cash she was also left by the grandparents, not OPs grandparents

The house step mother owns is solely from money she was left by her own family, nothing to do with OPs mother/grandparents

FWIW I feel for the OP. It's not fair if outcomes are so different and it's down to nothing you've done, how hard you've worked, whether you've been kind or not - just random hard fortune.

.

But unfortunately that is live.

if op feels that her mum was screwed over by her dad in the divorce and as a result her half brother is wrongly benefiting indirectly from her mother and maternal grandmothers estate then she should speak to her dad.

the happens so often in step families - wills become so complicated and everyone has a different outlook.

I think OP you are right to be upset.
Your DF knows full well you'll never inherit anything from your Mum as he got the house that was hers when they divorced. Your step Mum, who took you on when she was 21 (so most of her adult life) is happy to watch you suffer but is ensuring her own son is alright.

Yes people can talk about what is fair legally but in real life, most people would be pretty disgusted with this set up. I have to say, although your Step Mother is the one that you are angry with, ultimately, your DFather is the one you should be directing your emotions at. He is the one who should be standing up for you and protecting you, not going along with this.

As you can probably gather, this situation is close to my heart as my DP is in a very similar situation. Due to being the first child of two teenage parents who then split up, he has always been the sibling left out of everything. His mum moved on and had a new family although her situation is rather chaotic and there'll be no inheritance coming from her side. His dad on the other hand met his now wife when my DP was 3 and had a new family.

His dad and stepmother are very open about the fact that my DP is going to get a third of his dad's half only because he isn't a full sibling. They go on and on about it knowing that we, like you, were teenage parents who have done well for ourselves but have always rented so have never managed to save for a deposit. Their other daughter has managed to buy her own property in zone 1 London with their help but DP didn't get so much as a tenner from them once he left school at 16.

It sounds like it's all about money, and I mean obviously that is what we are talking about. But it's more about what the money represents.
That money equals security for the future and I've never understood how a parent can sit back and ensure that some of their children will have financial security in the future but are happy to leave out the ones who have actually suffered the most.

No it's not as the step mum had to buy out her siblings which came from martial money