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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to give baby an English name?

310 replies

OneTonNoodles · 04/06/2022 16:14

I'm expecting, and we're discussing baby names.

DP likes traditional, common, English/ European names. His family is full of Elizabeth, Peter, David's.

I have a DS named Aryan from a previous relationship. I like unusual, uncommon, and would prefer an ethnic name that goes with DS.

I know they're not the same person so they don't need to match but I'd find Persephone and Keith as a sibset jarring.

I'm willing to compromise and choose an ethnic name that is also used in the West e.g. Nina, but DP is not having any of it.

His points are, 1. I got to name DS 2. We live in England. 3. He made 1 suggestion for an unusual name he was semi-ok with and I laughed at him. Therefore IABU.

I don't think I am because I said we can compromise.

OP posts:
thing47 · 05/06/2022 18:36

Harley and Quinn are both boy's names.

I'm sorry @honeylulu but that isn't true. It's an Irish girl's name. It's occasionally used for boys too, but it certainly isn't a boy's name.

Abhannmor · 05/06/2022 19:03

It's a surname here in Cork anyway.

honeylulu · 05/06/2022 19:51

@thing47 really? I didn't know. Which name is for girls in Ireland? Harley or Quinn?

ChompChamp · 05/06/2022 19:58

I’ve only ever known Quinn as a girl’s name.

I like it.

thing47 · 05/06/2022 22:20

honeylulu · 05/06/2022 19:51

@thing47 really? I didn't know. Which name is for girls in Ireland? Harley or Quinn?

Sorry I realised I hadn't made that clear! Quinn is a girl's name in parts of Ireland.

Harley is a boy's name, for sure. Outside of DC Comics at any rate.

ChompChamp · 05/06/2022 22:28

thing47 · 05/06/2022 22:20

Sorry I realised I hadn't made that clear! Quinn is a girl's name in parts of Ireland.

Harley is a boy's name, for sure. Outside of DC Comics at any rate.

Quinn has also been used as a name for female characters in US tv shows. Daria’s younger sister (in Daria) was the one that sprang to mind but google tells me there was another in Glee, and a handful of other shows.

Its also been in the top 100 most popular girls’ names for each of the last 8 years.

HaveringWavering · 05/06/2022 23:01

I had a British Indian friend called Rangan, but it was shortened to Ron. Would that work? Interestingly, his elder siblings both had classic English names (think Colin and Anthea) because they were born when his parents first came to the U.K. and they (but mostly his Dad I think) were very keen to fit in with British culture. By the time my friend was born his Mum had found her voice and insisted that he have an Indian name.

Friends (a white British/Indian British couple) have a boy called Kiran, is that too Irish-sounding to be a good compromise?

JanisMoplin · 05/06/2022 23:28

Personally, I absolutely hate when Indians shorten or Anglicise their names to make it easier for British people to pronounce. Rangan is literally 2 syllables and has a beautiful meaning. Why should he have to make it Ron?

DS has a one syllable Indian name which people Anglicise into Sam.I have taught him to correct them as many times as he needs to. Thrice even.

HaveringWavering · 06/06/2022 00:04

JanisMoplin · 05/06/2022 23:28

Personally, I absolutely hate when Indians shorten or Anglicise their names to make it easier for British people to pronounce. Rangan is literally 2 syllables and has a beautiful meaning. Why should he have to make it Ron?

DS has a one syllable Indian name which people Anglicise into Sam.I have taught him to correct them as many times as he needs to. Thrice even.

I have no idea, but it was his choice, and how he introduced himself. He wasn’t forced into it by people who were too stupid or lazy to say his full name.

Vikinga · 06/06/2022 00:25

There are lots of gorgeous names that are used in both cultures. Serena, Zahra, Maya etc

But I know plenty of people with foreign names in the UK and it isn't an issue. My siblings are married to people from a different continent and their kids names are a mix - some european, some from their spouse's country and one name they made up themselves (doesn't sound like a made up name but it is).

My youngest sibling has a foreign name and had no problem growing up in england with it.

Glitternails1 · 06/06/2022 04:34

JanisMoplin · 05/06/2022 23:28

Personally, I absolutely hate when Indians shorten or Anglicise their names to make it easier for British people to pronounce. Rangan is literally 2 syllables and has a beautiful meaning. Why should he have to make it Ron?

DS has a one syllable Indian name which people Anglicise into Sam.I have taught him to correct them as many times as he needs to. Thrice even.

Plenty of people of all ethnicities with different languages have nicknames and shorten their full name. It’s their preference. For example, Samuel/Samantha (Sam). Sometimes I go by my actual name, sometimes the shortened version (it’s a foreign name because I’m half white half East Asian - my name is not from Europe or Asia).

As a compromise, OP and her DP could choose a name that’s used in Asia and Europe. Or a completely different continent/culture.

DanniDonut · 06/06/2022 05:15

Would one of those name apps help you find something you both like? I can’t help but think your partner is being inflexible.

toucaninjapan · 06/06/2022 05:41

mathanxiety · 04/06/2022 20:11

Some names he's mentioned: Emma, Harriet, Arthur, Eleanor.
Unusual pick: Harlequin.
My list: Zia, Cyra, Pari.
Unusual pick: Zephyr.
His mum suggested Francis/Frances

The DP and his mum are trying to erase your heritage here. They seem to think the baby is theirs, not half yours.

The Harlequin suggestion is a passive aggressive way of saying anything outside of the sacred canon is as silly as Harlequin.

This.

DH is Asian, I am Caucasian, and I chose the name for our DC. DH said he wanted DC to be named after my heritage (well, DC would get his surname anyway so I think it's only natural that mother can choose at least the name), and his family fully supported that, nobody questioned the name I chose.
In your case OP the whole situation with DP and his family doesn't look very good, from what you wrote I got an impression they are having a bit of racist thoughts there.
If you are not married, your child should have your surname only and I also wouldn't compromise about the name.
Btw Zia sounds lovely.

Funkyblues101 · 06/06/2022 05:58

OneTonNoodles · 04/06/2022 16:48

The problem is DP won't compromise at all. He wants a top 10 English name.

We haven't discussed last names. I know it'll end in another argument. He'll want only his surname as per "tradition", I'll want mine as we're not married. Don't think he'll double barrell.

But British tradition is that a child born to an unmarried woman is given the woman's family name..? It's only in recent decades that women have, inexplicably, given their children different family names to themselves.

blue421 · 06/06/2022 06:40

JanisMoplin · 05/06/2022 23:28

Personally, I absolutely hate when Indians shorten or Anglicise their names to make it easier for British people to pronounce. Rangan is literally 2 syllables and has a beautiful meaning. Why should he have to make it Ron?

DS has a one syllable Indian name which people Anglicise into Sam.I have taught him to correct them as many times as he needs to. Thrice even.

Why is this a problem if it's their choice? I know two Jays/Jais with longer names and a Ronak who went by Ronnie. That's what they asked to go by.

JanisMoplin · 06/06/2022 06:53

I don't believe it is a free choice. It's years of having people mangle your name and ask if they can call you by your initials. Eventually you give in and say " Oh you can call me K." Because you are sick of being awkward.

Darbs76 · 06/06/2022 06:59

Go for something that’s inbetween, my Asian / white daughter is called Zahra.

blue421 · 06/06/2022 07:13

JanisMoplin · 06/06/2022 06:53

I don't believe it is a free choice. It's years of having people mangle your name and ask if they can call you by your initials. Eventually you give in and say " Oh you can call me K." Because you are sick of being awkward.

Fair enough if that's your experience.

But it wasn't the case here, it was in primary school and 90% of the kids had Asian names. And the other 10% didn't have an issue in pronouncing Ronak correctly.

ForestFae · 06/06/2022 10:04

JanisMoplin · 06/06/2022 06:53

I don't believe it is a free choice. It's years of having people mangle your name and ask if they can call you by your initials. Eventually you give in and say " Oh you can call me K." Because you are sick of being awkward.

My DH shortens his name because he likes it. No one has an issue saying his full name. It’s no different to a Samuel preferring to go by Sam. I get what you’re saying but I don’t think that’s universal for everyone.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 06/06/2022 10:59

Please tell me your DP’s surname isn’t Davidson

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 06/06/2022 12:16

JanisMoplin · 05/06/2022 23:28

Personally, I absolutely hate when Indians shorten or Anglicise their names to make it easier for British people to pronounce. Rangan is literally 2 syllables and has a beautiful meaning. Why should he have to make it Ron?

DS has a one syllable Indian name which people Anglicise into Sam.I have taught him to correct them as many times as he needs to. Thrice even.

I just don’t think there is a need to do this these days. There are DC from families who originate from all parts of the world in classrooms today, coupled with the more unusual English/American names, the majority of the class will have a ‘different’ name.

DrAmelia · 06/06/2022 15:55

Wow! I am amazed at how insensitive and pugnacious people are on here. First of all, yes, the baby's father does sound uncompromising, but did anyone stop to ask him WHY he prefers the type of name he wants? Mum has given us her reasoning for wanting an ethnically Indian and more unusal name but I have yet to see why the father is choosing his ground.

In reality, despite the feminist crap I've been reading, "it's your body, you aren't married so you get to name whatever, blah blah," at the end of the day, the baby has two biological parents. Why would anyone suggest completely ignoring one parent's choices over another? Is this how you expect the child to grow up, ignoring or dismissing one parent's choices or rules over another? Compromise from both sides is key. Like it or not, just because the woman is carrying the child, does not mean that she is the sole decision maker. Sure, legally she may be, but people need to think of the ramifications of that decision on the child's future. Right or wrong, if one parent does not feel as though they have any choice in decisions regarding the child, beginning with the name, it is possible they will feel no connection to the child and that makes potentially walking away a real possibility, regardless how asinine a decision that would be.

The last point I want to make is more generalized. For those of you arguing about ethnically significant names, such as Aryan, the soon to be baby's step-brother, almost all of your points hold merit. Having spent my entire life, including childhood traveling the world and experiencing many cultures, I can appreciate the pride felt in any particular ethnicity, including names. I believe the problem is not lack of pride or appropriation etc though. The problem is that although those of you reading this forum are able to recognize individual names for what they are.. i.e. culturally appropriate etc, what some posters are trying to say, just not very effectively, is that in countries that are not ethnically traditional, i.e. Indian living in Britian or African living in America, etc... the ramifications of using a culturally ethnic name are not yours to bear. Although I hate that this is true, children can be vicious! In this day and age, regardless where you life, I believe it is safe to say that bullying has taken on a life of it's own. Between familial prejudices, the ease of internet access, and lack of cultural understanding, naming a child an ethnic name that has well known offensive connotations in other cultures becomes a problem for the child. Let's face it, when choosing names for our children, we choose those we like, consequences be damned, but in this day and age, especially if you do not live in a country that shares that ethnicity throughout the majority of it's population, we are setting our children up to be teased, bullied, and/ or simply to experience the nuisance of continuously explaining or spelling their names to peers, teachers, etc.

I believe the comments pointing out the correlation between the step-brother's name and Nazi's is a valid one. Granted not everyone is ignorant and believes that the child or his parents are Nazi's or Nazi sympathizers, but it only takes one bad apple to significantly contaminate a child's positive youthful memories. Parents to be simply need to think about how their child will experience life from a non-ethnic point of view.

famagusta · 06/06/2022 15:59

Wow! I am amazed at how insensitive and pugnacious people are on here.

You must be new to mumsnet

CounsellorTroi · 06/06/2022 16:01

If you're white British, I'd say it's cultural appropriation to give your baby an "ethnic" name because it sounds cool and unusual.

what about Welsh or Irish names? Is it cultural appropriation to use those if you have no Welsh or Irish connections?

famagusta · 06/06/2022 16:02

Why would anyone suggest completely ignoring one parent's choices over another?

this is a partner who has said that it is HIS choice and no movement on this at all.

does this sound like someone open to a discussion?

either way, the relationship sounds doomed before the baby is even born

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